The bunny hunters
|
Posted:Sep 5, 2012 10:30 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2012 10:04 pm 15511 Views
|
Lucca, my is a little gay, well he is a little of everything really, part labrador, part basset hound, and part every other breed of in the world. Bless him.
He came from this big fat bird who beat him, and then didn't want him anymore, how could someone do that to a dog? Anyway after four months of love hes nearly forgot his tragic past and become quite a character, and it turns out a half good hunting dog.
In the mornings when i take him for his first walk down the tree lined lanes of this part of France he loves to chase rabbits, he never catches them, though once i did see him with a baby bunny in his mouth, it soon disappeared with a couple of gulps. You see the trouble is, because of his inter breeding parents he cant run very fast.
He sees a rabbit in the distance and off he goes, all ears, tail and wiggling like a snake, then he stops, oooooo feck it he must think, ill go hunting moles instead.(he never catches them either)
So he stands on 3 legs, looking at the ground in front of him and then just leaps forward and starts digging to australia, his head comes out of the ground filthy, with a stupid grin and no mole.
Lucca come into his own when it comes to coypu hunting, he just leaps in the water and swims aside the banks flushing the things out for my mate to shoot them.
No lucca will never catch rabbits, but he knows a who will.
I have my friends staying with me, a beautiful brindle lurcher, brin the renowned cat killer! woooooooooooooooooooosh hes off and in ten seconds hes done a 100 meters and come back with a rabbit in his mouth for lucca to eat.
Lucca and Brin, the gay rabbit hunters.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
A story to end all stories, even the last story that i wrote, that ended all stories
|
Posted:Sep 3, 2012 10:38 pm
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2012 6:48 am 15558 Views
|
Ricardoas lay in the opulent surroundings of his office in total peace with the world, naked oiled bird servants scurried about catering for his every whim. Ricardoas reflected, the roman empire had been good for him, he had risen to chief security officer for the whole roman empire in just four years. Ophelius, he shouted, i need your body again, but first get the slaves to put some more wood on the underfloor heating i want you on top this time.
Yet he was living a lie, his real name was ulfgip warrior king of the iceni tribe, right hand man to Boadicea queen of the norfolk people, and cheif consultant for the book shades of grey, ulfgip was undercover, his task was to gain the romans confidence and then wreck havoc amongst the empire. That will teach them for killing my queen and stopping my beloved Norwich city playing football. Ricardous clenched his fists to try and control his anger, carrow road, the best football stadium in the world was now a killing field for slaves.
Ophelius, he shouted, on second thoughts get that new slave belgumus magnolius, to come as well, i need some practice for the orgy tonight.
Afterward, with a grin from ear to ear, he said, not bad belgumus magnolius, but you must be french, you must get rid of that bush! He clapped his hands and a naked oiled servant bird rushed across the room, get me Pussieus Shaverus here i have a job for her.
Ricardous sat up suddenly, his utopia was shattered, Toneboyus had burst into the room, shouting, boss, boss, you have to come we have a nutter in the jail claiming to be the of god.
Toneboyus, Toneboyus, how many times do i have to tell you, every friday night when the pubs close we get loads of people in claiming to be the of god.
To be continued.......(if i can get some more of them mushrooms)
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Blokes do cry (did you miss me)
|
Posted:Aug 31, 2012 11:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2012 8:46 pm 14690 Views
|
The blond, let me tell you is a nice bird, but she is a bird and as such nags all the fecking time. OOOOOOOOOOO To be free again and get loads of nag free shags. For those of you who have read my blog over the last few years might think I'm living my worse nightmare.
But you would be wrong, there is another one living in my apartment, and hes here for three months.
Yep, ive got a fecking christian living next door to me, and hes one of them born agains, the worse of the worse, even more worser than them fecking jehovies! Listen to me born again, i said to him, if you are any trouble you can feck off, god loves you he said.
What the feck have i done wrong to deserve this.
Anyway if you wondered why its been so peaceful on the blogs its because ive been fishing and living the life, my garden is doing well, and my belly is even smaller and ive found out blokes cry.
And i bet you will too when i tell you!
Twenty six years ago i had a love with this young bird, a beautiful . In her wisdom the mother didn't want me to see this beautiful baby, or have anything to do with her. Who can know what goes on in a woman's mind! Yes there were the promises of she would send photos and let her know who the father was when she was older.
But nothing.
I just thought my didn't want to know about me, no doubt with some bad words about me from the mother.
But then.
She found me!
Her mother never told her about me, and she only found out by accident after her mother had died.
I got this e mail, are you him she said, man did i drink loads of whiskey that night!
I'm off to England soon to meet her, and my new 3 year old granddaughter! Better get the hankies out again.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Paul and Grant who?
|
Posted:Jun 2, 2012 10:26 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2012 12:38 am 16012 Views
|
So its been a while since the last post, ive been busy and on a high, feck man, ive been so high i got vertigo.
I guess you all think ive been having wild pervy sex with seven birds, but you are wrong.
You see ive had my first fishermen down the lake, oooooooooo did it fish well, and its kinda nice cooking for big fat northerners. though i did get pissed off when one of my creations with pork got covered with ketchup, fecking Luddites.
I always did hate fecking Londoners and after having 2 of them down the lake for a week i hate them even more now, fecking things only ate chicken, know what i mean mate, cluck.
But hey!, i got some good feedback and that can only be good for next years bookings, one even said "the best food ive had in France" ill be getting a Michelin star next.
Then the world fell apart.
News from Carrow road, the home of my beloved football team, Norwich city said the manager has quit and the top goal scorer has handed a transfer request in. Well feck them both.
Then the world got put back together,
You see Paul Lambert and Grant Holt were unknown before they come to Norwich, they done well, used the football club, and now they have sold out, good luck to them both. This is life nowadays, no loyalty anymore, just money.
Life moves on, ya cant stop it, Norwich will get a better manager and a younger striker, and my next booking for the lake will be for seven fisherbirds, all with red hair and small breasty thingies.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
So, what was the first record you ever brought (inspired by that belgum bird)
|
Posted:May 6, 2012 9:07 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2012 12:41 am 17382 Views
|
In another life, a past life when i had loads of spots, hair, and a permanent erection, wait for it.....
I was a skinhead.
Yep i used to go round with air wear boots, levi 501 jeans that were too short, and bright green socks, and you must not forget the ben sherman shirt.
Don't laugh, it was a fashion thing.
It was then that i brought a record by Desmond Decker, called i can see clearly now.
I did go through a phase of being a of progressive sort of hippie thing, long blond hair and them bell bottom hipster trousers, but i had to stop wearing them, as just the sight of anything girlie and my willie was sticking above the waist line. Yep id be walking along the street next to marks and Spenser's, and booooing up it shot.
It was then i brought a record called Knights in white satin.
Letters ive written never meaning to send
Now I'm a beer swilling rock yob, who believes the music stopped in 1984. It still sticks out above my jeans, but not so often, and only when i see red heads with short skirts, no nickers and small breasty thingies. oooooo and when i think about Madona, debie harry, Dana............
Rock on!
The first record i ever brought was..........cant fecking remember, ha! but i know the first album i brought was the White album, the Beatles. (though i think i have got that wrong as well)
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Where is that fecking arc when you need it
|
Posted:Apr 25, 2012 8:59 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2012 10:51 pm 17311 Views
|
I don't wear girlie nickers, I'm not saying that i have never wore girlie undies, because that would be a lie. But, i don't wear girlie nickers at the moment.
One of the reasons might be that the blond dose not wear panties, but i think the main reason is that my bum is too big for them, and they are not designed for real men's willies.
So why the feck am i being pestered by adverts for girlie gear whenever i turn on my puter. Its driving me nuts, i go to my e mail account and there they are, girlie bits pouting at me covered by skimpy lace, I'm eating my breakfast reading the times on line, and i get a walk by nipple parade, its enough to drive any bloke nuts.
Now if the adverts were for fur lined thermal long johns, it would be a different matter, i would order 20 pairs, its so fecking cold here. Not only is it cold, it has not stopped raining for 3 weeks. I want to go back to Spain.
My lake is overflowing and i no longer need a tractor to cut the grass, i need a boat, where is that Noah bloke when you need him.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Lets get all deep and meaningful
|
Posted:Apr 12, 2012 10:18 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2012 9:32 pm 18083 Views
|
Them fecking christians would have you believe there is life after death, well they are all a load of nutters!
You see, who the feck would want to live on after your body is all worn out and your brain has forgot what shagging is all about. I mean even if you got hit by a bus and died, do you want to walk round for eternity all bashed up and squashed. Come on you nutters think about it, this heaven place must be a bit crowded by now, full of old geriatrics and toothless haggs, with the odd burns victim thrown in.
Sounds like a Micheal Jackson video.
Then there are them other set of raving lunatics, the spiritualists, man they all need brain scans.
They will tell you (depending on how much of that grass that they have smoked,) that your spirit lives on in a different form and if you have been good in this life, you might come back as a cat.
I suppose its too much to ask, for me to come back as a red heads bike seat.
Nope its all a load of superstitious claptrap, and i can say this without fear of being struck by lightning because i am typing this blog with a silver cross and a bulb of garlic round my neck.
And my fingers crossed.
Having said all that, do you know what? that new of mine is Mutley reincarnated, only this time hes come back with a white willie and no balls
I told Mutley if he kept going off shagging that beech down the road his balls would drop off.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
My name is Luca, i live on the so fa
|
Posted:Apr 10, 2012 10:22 pm
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2012 9:11 pm 19119 Views
|
Wife #2, the wicked witch from madrid, lasted two weeks, not bad i thought. You see we came home from a disaster of a honeymoon and she told me "that dirty smelly animal had to go". Yep, despite the fact she lived with me for six months prior to the wedding, she told me my had to go, or she would.
Well it was no contest, ten minutes later we were on the way to Malaga train station to send the wicked witch from madrid to her mothers.
You see i loved my Mutley, he was my best mate for 15 years, yes he smelt a bit, and he spent most of the time with an erection and a stupid grin on his face, (just like me then i hear you shout) but i was with him longer than i have been with any bird.
Its been over 2 years now since i had to take mutley to the vets and say goodbye to him, his legs couldn't do what his brain wanted them to do, he was suffering and old. In them two years i couldn't face having another dog, and to be honest it seems for the last two years i haven't stood still for five minutes, flitting between England, Spain and France.
But things have changed, and welcome to Luca!
Luca is a three year old bit of everything dog, black and white like a cow, and if you squint it could be a labrador, but then again it could be a basset hound. Luca wasn't blessed in the looks department, yes hes got a pretty face, but has ears bigger than dumbos, and a tail so long it wont look out of place on a , but Luca is my dog.
And Luca lives on the blonds chesterfield, and you know what, she don't mind!
Now i cant stop singing that fecking song!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Easter, huh, what is it good for
|
Posted:Apr 7, 2012 10:56 pm
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2012 8:08 pm 18482 Views
|
Easter you know is a weird thing, people all over the world have time off work, eat loads of chocolate and get fat in celebration of someone who never existed, who was ment to have died and then came back to life.
Are you all fecking nuts?
Why don't you have time off work when you want, not when some false church tell you you have to time off work?
Anyway, the Stupid English they just eat loads of easter eggs, as many as they can get in their mouths at once, then they go and sit down at the sea side in the rain, freezing their bits off, eating fish and chips.
The Spanish, well they are even more nuts, they walk through the streets wearing hoods over their heads carrying this fecking huge statue of a virgin. Well I'm sorry, ya cant be a virgin and get pregnant, nope that imaginary mary bird lied, she went out on the town got pissed and had a shag in a back alley.
As for the French, they have totally lost the plot. I live in this quaint old french village, where life just goes on, Pier the farmer goes to get his morning bread on his tractor, and a bloke rides round on a bike with a stripey t shirt on, and funny hat with garlic and onions round his neck, he stinks.
Anyway last week things kicked off, a load of huge trucks came and turned the village square into a fair ground, then after Pier had picked up his bread, he dropped christmas trees outside every ones houses.
Feck you should have seen the blonds face, she was so excited she got the christmas decorations out, bless her.
Later Claude the council worker came round and tied these christmas trees to our drain pipe, and i guess it was his missus came after him and tied bits of coloured paper to them.
What the feck is going on!
Well we are no doubt going to find out today because they have hung huge speakers outside my bedroom window, the feckers.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The bitter and sweet of being fecking rich.
|
Posted:Mar 31, 2012 9:35 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2012 10:26 pm 18629 Views
|
You know, I'm fed up with talking, I'm fed up with being stuck in a flash git office with a load of suites, and I'm sick to death of New york, even though i own a huge chunk of it.
Its been a long two days, but i suppose its worth it, at least i can afford to buy a tractor now, to cut the grass at my lake.
I have sold the film rights to my granddads diary, and that took some doing because i insisted on only english actors being used. On top of that its confirmed that i own the Empire state building.
Now before you all think this as as some kind of april fools joke i would say that is not strictly true, i just own 47% of the fecking eyesore, making me the majority share holder.
And fecking rich. Good old granddad.
Let me explain, towards the end of the second world war, just a few weeks after d day my granddad was called into Winston Churchill's office, where he saw the man himself and two blokes, identical twins they were. In my granddads own words "two bloody stuck up yanks that looked like two peas in a pod"
He was told that he and his blokes were to accompany these yanks to France so they could check up on the state of the family interests and chateau now that the germans had gone. Aaaawww Winston, he said, i wanted some time off so i can see my bird he said, apparently winston just gave him the look, so he said ok boss.
Well these blokes turned out to be real important, they were the illegitimate sons from a affair their father had with a Indian bird called hiya likeitupthebum (i just made that up) The fathers name was non other than du pont, apparently a rich french yank.
Anyway there they were in France just up the road from where i live now, they were walking all soldier like as there were still a few storm troupers about, and in my granddads words, He tripped over a rock and his gun went off and a german fell out of a tree, but not before the german had shot one of these yanks in the leg.
My granddad and his blokes quickly shot the rest of the germans then tied a rope round the yanks leg so he didn't bleed to death, and took him to a field hospital. He however had to have his leg cut off as it was too far gone to save.
This du pont bloke flew over to France himself to thank my grandad and offer him a job looking after his sons while they were rebuilding the family house that germans had turned into a brothel. He also gave him the deeds to 47% of this tall building that my grandad had never even heard of, and later in his diary swore about.
"fecking yanks he said, i save his sons life and he gives me half of a fecking tall ugly building that's loosing money hand over fist, he cant have liked his sons much."
And you know what, now that the empire state building is mine, ive realised why the other owners didn't put up too much of a fight, i have to demolish it, its now unsafe.
Perhaps ill just have to buy a small tractor! I'm going home to France and the blond
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
