Nothing is better than your own bed
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Posted:Jul 27, 2011 6:08 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2011 10:21 pm 7452 Views
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Where the feck am I, its wednesday, and fecking hot, i must be in spain.
Man, its a hard life all this international business man bit, ive been up and down them motorways more that a whores draws on a good night. Now i have some peace for a couple of weeks, I hope.
How the feck do the big boys cope. Ive stayed in so many beds in the last week, more than i did when i was handsome and virile.
But now i an the proud owner of a fishing lake in the middle of France. Feck ive made it big time!
So now, women of the world, you are safe, Ricardo's gone fishing!
But for now im going to bed, on my own, in my own bed, blisssssss
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So, do you still believe in god
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Posted:Jul 18, 2011 10:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2011 5:35 am 6243 Views
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I never was a christian, i always preferred to believe in what them blokes with bandages on their heads said, and i had myself down for coming back as a Lady's bike seat, that was until i saw my big fat mate riding his hot girlfriends bike. Perhaps now i could come back as a pair of white Cotton panties, size 10 of course so he cant get them on.
As you know i ain't got a lot of time for that god bloke, because there ain't one. Now i could run on for ages, about this and that to back my bold statement up, but i cant be bothered.
It is sufficient to just point you at that book, the bible, and say read it, and then read the book by Charles darwin. Ten years later after being bored shitless, and a stinking headache, you will see what i mean, man they are hard reads.
Better to get a copy of rustler.
It always has amazed me how a whole industry of academics has evolved around the bible, as this book is a very carefully selected book of short stories, mostly written hundreds of years after what was meant to happen, supposedly happened.
Did i tell you 4 years ago i caught a 3 meter long carp and had sex with four bi sexual women on the same day.
For nearly two thousand years, millions of clever people have tried to find proof of his existence, there are even a bunch of stupid yanks looking on a mountain for the remains of that ark, that no doubt sank because of them elephants were shagging and caused the boat to capsize.
Yet in two hundred years the science of D N A has proved the theory of darwin, beyond any doubt, that we evolved.
And here we are, all them good christian leaders of nations so rich, letting millions of starve, after all they have no oil.
And these are the people living in the area that we first came from, 90,000 years ago.
Man, these people are walking for days, weeks, and their are dieing on the way, just to get some food. Is it not more humane for us to drop some food from a plane, or is it better to drop a bomb on a tent.
Cant we just send some trucks in?
Or shouldnt we have known what was going to happen and done something before it got to this point. After all it would have only taken a UN worker in the area to be aware that the crops failed.
Dont these people deserve the help that we could give them, for less than the cost of one bomb on a tent.
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A story to make your hair curl
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Posted:Jul 5, 2011 4:46 am
Last Updated:Nov 1, 2011 8:47 am 7087 Views
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I would like to say here and right now that i like bird watching(the ones with wings) but i wont, because i would be telling porkies, you see i like pussie watching on the nudist beach.
There's ones all nicely shaved with bits hanging down, ones with no bits and there's ones that no doubt if you were perverted enough to look you will find Dr livingstone, completely lost in the forest. Whats up with some birds, ain't they heard of bic razors, and personal hygiene? i recon no.(they must be german)
And that's what this post is about today, the chase and the disappointment.
Now first a lesson to all you birds, blokes like shagging, period.
So for all them soppy poems they send ya proclaiming endless love and eyes that reveal you inner soul, read they want to get in between your legs. Without exception.
Now I ain't adverse to a bit of romance every now and then, though i do prefer the direct approach, do you fancy a shag sort of thing, it normally works, either that or you get bashed.
So on with the story, it was one warm summers night and boink she was there, right in front of me, man a vision she was. Black hair, brown eyes, and so so pretty, i had to have her. It took some time though, i had to read the gower book of poems, the soppy bunny book, and spend endless hours talking to her all romantic like.
I even admit to using the soul mate line, (blokes note when all else fails use the soul mate line) But this particular night i made my move.
Dinner on the beach, a table apart from all the others nearer the still Mediterranean sea(gave pedro a huge tip in advance) wild orchids in a vase(from my land) and a special menu of lobster and chips. It was a full moon that cast a romantic glow around the beach
She was ravishing, slinky black dress hugging her slim body, her hair shone in the moon, just a little makeup applied to perfection, she had spent a lot of time for tonight. I changed my jeans.
Later after a wonderful meal, though the chips were too salty, we walked hand in hand along the beach to my penthouse overlooking the sea(our shoes were in the other hand to complete the soppy image)
In my apartment we kissed, wait while i consult the book, yep long passionate tongue kisses(thanks bunny)and some how our clothes fell to the floor whilst still holding each other and looking into each others eyes(thanks again bunny)
We fell to the bed naked whilst still looking into her eyes my mouth kissed down her body, my tongue moving over her erect nipples softly, she moaned and her body gave a slight spasm, further down my tongue explored. (had to stop typing for a bit to put the air con on)
then,
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
fecking hell woman you don't expect me to kiss that growler do you!
like the black forest, it was.
So now i only pull on the nudist beach, you can see what you get before you try it.
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Man skirts and stuff
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Posted:Jun 29, 2011 10:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2011 10:35 pm 6426 Views
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So, its been a while, what with the mad yank coming to stay and then the blond, well the blond is still here actually. Spain is still hot, as indeed it will be until the end of october when it might rain, and ya know what that means don't ya!
Yep Ricardo's nudist colony is up and running!
See my house here is in the middle of nowhere and its got a few high walls and a nice pool..... so come and join in, i wont look, honest.
Now normally i don't wear anything until the end of october, cept perhaps a man skirt when i go to the pub, and i do wear a t shirt and man skirt when i drive to the nudist beach, you get some funny looks from birds when you go to the supermarket, but they just want to lift it up and see if you have any undies on.
And i let them
I love this place in the summer,i don't know what I'm going to do in fecking france, can you walk around there starkers? I did have one of my brainwaves though, my fishing lake is going to be the only one in the world that is for naked girlies, should work well!
It has its bad moments though, like the other day, there we were kit off, the blond and me getting our bits brown, cooooooooeeeeeee, we heard, and this bird walked down the steps.
Do you remember me she said, I'm chi chi, who the feck is chi chi
Then it came to me, she was this daft canadian bird who rented a house of mine in the village ten years ago, man she was hot then! but then she was called Sharron. I never did shag her, and i cant remember why, perhaps i did.
Anyway she took her kit off and joined in the spirit of Ricardo's nudist center, shes gone all veggie and skinny and is some sort of Buddhist, i thought all Buddhists had big bellies like me. But hey, what the feck do i know.
The blond and her seemed to get on well, and i had to jump in the pool as my thoughts turned into a 3some, as they would.
Perhaps next time.
Well tonight there is a party on the nudist beach, its a hard life, ive just got to make sure i stand well clear of the bbq
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Bonjour, do ya think im sexy
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Posted:Jun 14, 2011 3:44 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2011 12:19 am 7794 Views
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As you all know i like a bit of ambiance in my posts, so i thought tell you i am now typing this outside in my summer kitchen, naked, feck its hot here in spain! Now i know most of you wont want to know this, but for those who do and worry for me, don't, my belly is protecting my willie from the harmful ultra violet rays, and i have my cowboy hat on protecting my head.
And that's first what I'm going to run on about today, and if you detect a change of direction of my posts, i can assure you its by design, I'm now going to be good bloke! I'm fed up with being bad bloke, it don't get you laid.
So what was i saying, oooooooooo yes, well i started to link big bellies and bald heads with a reason, but never got there. So ill start from scratch.
Right, its been a busy week, First the greatest being that has ever lived, the god that lives amongst us Paul Lambert, and to you that's the manager of Norwich city football club introduced on stage the second greatest being that has ever shagged a blond, Rod Stewart.
Man, my hero at carrow road, i never thought id see the day! and me and the blond were right up the front. This bloke is even older than tone boy and hes still blinding!(unlike tone boy of course).
I would like to say, despite the accusations of the blond i wont looking at my ex girlfriend who was playing on stage alongside Rod, well not much anyway. Before i forget this is where the bit of the bald heads and big bellies come in, well ive never seen so many in one place before in my life, so if you are a bird who likes bald head big bellied blokes, go to a Rod Stewart gig.
Its been a funny old week, i fell in love with the blond again, not that i ever fell out of love with her, i just fell in love with the german for a bit, thats all. And i still have all my bits intact!
Then, i went for a drive to spain. Now, normally i would say i love driving through France, because you come out the other side. And the french birds, feck, any bloke, including me, who has shagged a french bird will tell you that they smell and taste of garlic. I along with everybody else in europe hate the French.
So the next bit will come as a bit of a surprise, when i was in France i done a bit of man shopping, Yep, I brought a fishing lake, a house, and a barn to convert. I'm moving to France.
Feck knows what the blond is going to say!
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Its a hard life
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Posted:Jun 4, 2011 11:54 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2011 4:32 am 6388 Views
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You birds just don't know how lucky you are, you just wake up in the morning with your breath, get out of bed and sit on that toilet.
Us blokes, well, its hell, see there was a mistake in our genes, when we wake up we don't know what to do, shag, pee, or fart. Millions of thought process have to be computed before any decision is made.
For a start, can we fart, i mean, have we known the bird next to us for longer than 3 months, is there actually a bird next to us, or is it a dream that caused this erection.
Then, i mean you have really got to go, but, i mean why waste this throbbing thing that woke you up. So you start poking the back of the lump next to you, no response you open your eyes, ooooooo its the wife, she let me shag her last week, so its the toilet then.
First the fart, then you know you will have to get up, next you have to start the process, you hit your willie with a newspaper, down boy, you shout. Desperate by now,you have to get a thing that's pointing upwards to pee downwards, and them birds wonder why we pee on the seat. It just don't work, our aim ain't that good in the mornings.
So, you manage it, you don't know how, but you did, and you are feeling pleased with yourself as you walk down the stairs for a coffee and a fag. A little grin, you know you are going to get nagged at, but its worth it, as you hear the scream from the bathroom, your wife has just sat on the wet seat.
That will teach her for not letting me shag her, you think.
Back to spain this week, to lay by the pool and drink some beer, its a hard life.......
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I guess its the last ophelia post
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Posted:May 27, 2011 12:32 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2011 1:01 am 7171 Views
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You know these blogs are now so boring, and the yank has been staying with me for a week, my liver hurts. Tomorrow i have to fly back to fecking england and report to the blond, who will no doubt check me for strange hairs, as well as go through my bag to see if there are any girlie undies, again.
It seems the end of a life time, today i have just had the news that some one wants to buy my country house. So i will be totally doshed up, and nowhere to live. Ricardo is going to be dangerous with that sort of cash.
No bird, wherever they are in the world, will be safe, so my love ophelia, there's a bloke who is going to look after ya!
For my last post, before i go and fly into an volcanic ash cloud, and perhaps forever. A ricardo red wine induced thriller.
President oricardo, woke up with a start, duck he shouted to the naked first lady ophelia laying by his side, we are under attack.
You stupid brit, ophelia said, its your hangover bashing around your head.
Oricardo, shook his head and the sound of guns went away, he looked at ophelia, her short soft hairless curvy body(sorry gal)
begged him to make love once again, well whats the point of a morning erection if you cant have a shag! Oricardo grinned to himself, he was so pleased that the first law he passed when coming into power was open government, and he turned on the cam.
Two hours later, two hours of unrivaled passion, lots of grunting, and other stuff that goes on when shagging, if i can remember 3 weeks back! Oricardo got from the bed, feck he said I'm late for the g 8 meeting.
Did i say this was going to be a thriller, better put something thrilling in it then.
Diplomacy had come a long way in the 6 weeks oricardo was president, feck off was the new buzz word round the deep purple house, the first thing oricardo done when he was elected. Fecking boring old place, he thought, ill paint it, ive got nothing else to do. So when eventually he walked into the G 8 meeting, naked, the new protocol for meetings no one was surprised.
In fact there was a wild orgy going on, the brit twins were shagging each other, and the french bloke was eating garlic, the italian had a couple of under age sexatarys on the go. The german was nagging at the blond, vou vill let me give your man a blow job,ves vou can vatch.
Ive got to cook my pork chops now, i cant do thrillers by the way
adios amigos
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Breaking up is easy
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Posted:May 18, 2011 10:22 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2011 9:05 pm 6336 Views
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I hate them blokes who sit behind their desks, in their fecking little rooms with things round their necks and white coats on. A load of educated wankers is all they are.
Ya got to stop drinking, ya got to stop smoking, on and on millions of times, worser than the german, and she was the worser of the lot. Stands up, fag in mouth, big belly doing my Winston Churchill impression, after all i can mention the war now
Never in the field of human conflict, has a bloke had to suffer so much, for so few blow jobs.
Sits down and try to think where i was going with all this piffle, yes that right doctors, or can i say facish hitlers, i can now, and i can also mention the 1966 world cup final. They should perhaps learn in their education that some people don't want to live an extra ten years, ten years of having their bum wiped by the .
Ok you have probably guessed that I'm pissed off at not being able to get pissed, well i am a bit, but not as much as being told i cant drink coffee.
I am a coffee expert of world renown, i drink gallons of the stuff and am a complete addict, not even the fact that i no longer have hangovers has dampened my enthusiasm for the stuff.
Slurp.
There's some more caffeine going round blocking my artery's and building up to a good old get it over quick heart attack.
So, by now you should have established i like coffee, and from this you could deduce that i know what brand i like, you don't have to be sherlock holmes to work that out. So as i type this unable to move because of loads of boxes, the detritus of the germans existence, i reflect.
We have here something you are not going to believe, because i didn't buy when i done the shopping, the brand of coffee she likes, i am a selfish no good yob, with no respect for her, and this was brought to my attention at least 7 times a day. Nag, nag, nag. She likes the stuff with out the good bit, and that to me is like sex without the sperm.
Despite i have the best willie she has ever seen, and my paella is better than the spanish can cook, and without question the best builder in the world, i buy the wrong brand of coffee.
Well, i said to her, its easy, piss off and go and buy your own fecking coffee I'm fed up with your nagging.
Yep, breaking up is easy.(despite the fact you have to go without a shag for nearly 3 weeks)
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The girl with the blue knickers
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Posted:May 13, 2011 3:48 am
Last Updated:May 14, 2011 6:46 pm 5798 Views
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I didn't feel like going fishing today, I'm fished out, well i just told a little lie again, the real reason is ive got a hangover. I know, i shouldn't be drinking on account of the liver and all that, but hey, its not every day you say goodbye to your brother.
Yep i might never see my brother again, ever. So we got pissed together, as you would.
See, I'm off to spain on saturday and hes off to the Philippines to start a new life with his eighteen year old bird, nice work if you can get it!
Now, i can hear you say, why the feck don't you go over there to see him, well i cant, for a start i don't like long haul flights, and as well id end up shagging miss big bum, that's dana to you.
Not that i don't want to shag miss big bum, i do, but she will nag me, i know, and we all know that big huge bad bloke don't like nagging, dose he.
I mean what do you do on a 18 hour flight, on top of a ten hour stopover in some godforsaken airport in the middle of nowhere, where do i put my legs and will we crash. And i wont be allowed to smoke.
Now that has nothing to do with the girl with the blue undies, oooooooooooo i love that word, undies, she says she wants to show us more. Do we really want to see more? not really, ive seen enough pussies in my lifetime.
Now after all that dribble, i come to the good bit at last.
See my brother is no idiot, he knows that all his bird wants a bit of financial security, and a goodish life, he knows they haven't got a lot in common, and there's a 35 year age difference, but what he says is that he don't give a feck.
We have both tried the conventional relationship bit, and failed. I guess its something in our jeans (called the man brain) We are just not made to do the sitting by the fire with a paper bit.So whats wrong with wanting a bit of tight young fresh flesh in your bed at night?
Nothing.
Some might say hes paying for sex, like he would with a , but we sat in the pub last night, swaying quite a lot, we worked out that in our combined 5 marriages and 10 live ins we have spent a total of two million pounds in lost houses and maintenance.
So that's a lot per shag!
Stands up, turns round (dont ask me how I'm typing at the same time)and start the mantra, i wont crash and i can get pissed on the plane. (repeat 100 times and then you can go on long haul flights)
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Ready tied tie dye
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Posted:May 8, 2011 10:44 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2011 12:02 am 6353 Views
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One good thing i suppose about not being in fashion, is one day i will be in fashion, and that day seems to be here.
Feck me ricardo is cool!
I hate it when the two fat lesbians come to stay, it means i have to cook all weekend, with an erection, not easy if you have to get close to the oven to make that special sauce! Man, them birds can eat! On top of all that it was the blonds birthday so we had to go out of a saturday night.
I suppose its not as bad as it seems, after all how many blokes get to go out with three good looking birds, and two of them just happen to like shagging each other. I made a bit of an effort to dress up, after all i reckoned as it was the blonds birthday she might want a shag, out came the new ben sherman, the clean but well worn wranglers, a posh jacket and a matching bandanna.
Alas the blond still dint want to shag me!
Norwich was buzzing, the football team has just won promotion, and i guess they all knew i was out on the town. Its a funny place is my home town, yes there are the new clubs that house the thousands of semi naked with piercings and tattoos, and there are the old bars where i used to go when i was a .
Tell me how do them get a shag nowadays with all that boom boom music going on, ya cant use ya best chat up lines with all that noise can ya!
So i took them to this place, a sort of cellar, its now a bit posh, but as i stood at the bar i recalled misty eyed when i saw the clash spit there, good job i had a bin liner on, before that even the four tops played there, man, good times.
At midnight i left them to do what girlie's do best, talk, and walked home to my house, man, what a special moment.
It was a warm evening, whats happened to our rain?, my jacket hooked on my finger and slung over my shoulder, alcohol free and smiling, i hadn't a care in the world. As i looked around me dire straights and for my next trick played in my head, i kicked a coke can through an ally way reinacting the grant Holt goal against ipswich.
A young girl walked towards me, her make up smudged and looking disheveled, did she have a good time? or did it all go wrong, i said good night, she glared, i guess a bad night. A gang of boys with hoops in their ears stagger across my path, mouthing off about what they were going to do, have a good night i said to them, thinking who in their right mind would shag them. They grunted.
All of a sudden I'm feeling north of middle age, and I'm pleased about it, its not going to change anything though!
For my next trick.
Yep i am going to do that motor home trip round europe for a couple of years and spend my sons inheritance.
Its nice to leave them crossroads!
Ps, the two fat lesbians brought me a tie dyed bandanna that is already tied, a blinding invention for old blokes who find it hard to tie one because his shoulder hurts!
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