The hell you will.
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Posted:May 5, 2011 10:56 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2011 1:53 am 6372 Views
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And mericans, you are lucky I'm in a good mood today after breaking the lake carp record yesterday.
His only crime it has been internationally agreed was to be born as the of the bloke who lives in a tent, yet he died horribly with his own little .
I mean, come on, the united nations agreed that the people of libya needed some protection, they explicitly stated there was to be no attack on the bloke that lives in a tent.
What the feck is going on? it was a command center they said, yet the only commands going on there was, get me a cup of tea woman.
So, the mericans went into another country with their black Hawks without that country's permission and shot the bin man. No they executed him, in cold blood. They treated his body with respect they said, yes they chucked his body off the deck of an aircraft carrier, that's like 21 floors up.
Mericans kill more mericans each year than any so called terrorist's, yet at least they are given the law to protect them from the gun ho military.
I'm sorry merica, you have not evolved from the days of the wild west, and that saddens me.
The bin man, like it or not, agree or not, was fighting for what he believed was right, just like you and me are. You mericans used him and financed him when he was killing russians, just like you are using us brits to try to finish the war you started in Afghanistan.
I'm sorry but as a so called super power your foreign policy stinks, just like the english one did, in the days when we were a super power. Is it about time you gave up trying and looked after your own people? and banish your distorted religious beliefs forever.
The hell you will!
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Along comes Ricardo the messiah
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Posted:Apr 18, 2011 10:12 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2011 12:05 am 6230 Views
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About five billion years ago, as we know now, there was a coming together of cells that started the process of evolution, the tree of life, as that clever english bloke Darwin called it. Bit by bit us humans became what we are, and the whole thing was going along nicely, until that bloke jesus came along and fecked it all up, then a few hundred years later old Mohammad came and put his boot in as well.
See them Italians got in on the jesus thing, even though they were the ones who killed the bloke, they decided that it was ok for the priests to shag little boys, and blokes should only have one bird.
That was the end of the world as we know it.
See, gradually the birds got used to this and realised they can nag their blokes as much as they liked, and get away with it. So a whole new thing happened, ya cant go up the pub, ya buy the wrong type of coffee, ya snore, and ya treat me like a sex object. And what could us blokes do to fight back, nothing, because it cost to much to get rid of them.
The other side of the world, old Mohammad was laughing, he could have 3 birds, or more, so he got as many blow jobs as he wanted and never got nagged, because the bird dint want her head chopped off.
Now johnny from the west was so jealous, that he decided to wipe out them arabs, hasn't worked though, because there are so many of them, and they have got loads of oil.
So, along comes the Messiah el Ricardo multi national shagger and exile from spain because he dumped the german, to fight for blokes rights.(well would you go back when she cuts the balls off all her animals) I'm now going to the european Parliament to get a new law made, all birds must now date blokes in pairs, no more relationships will be allowed involving just one bird.
Don't suppose it will stop the nagging, but the sex will be good.
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Bojour, do ya think im sexy
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Posted:Jun 14, 2011 3:42 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 12:2 am 4370 Views
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As you all know i like a bit of ambiance in my posts, so i thought tell you i am now typing this outside I'm my summer kitchen, naked, feck its hot here in spain! Now i know most of you wont want to know this, but for those who do and worry for me, don't, my belly is protecting my willie from the harmful ultra violet rays.
And that's first what I'm going to run on about today, and if you detect a change of direction of my posts, i can assure you its by design, I'm now going to be good bloke! I'm fed up with being bad bloke, it don't get you laid.
So what was i saying, oooooooooo yes, well i started to link big bellies and bald heads with a reason, but never got there. So ill start from scratch.
Right, its been a busy week, First the greatest being that has ever lived, the god that lives amongst us Paul Lambert, and to you that's the manager of Norwich city football club introduced on stage the second greatest being that has ever shagged a blond, Rod Stewart.
Man, my hero at carrow road, i never thought id see the day! and me and the blond were right up the front. This bloke is even older than tone boy and hes still blinding!(unlike tone boy of course).
I would like to say, despite the accusations of the blond i wont looking at my ex girlfriend who was playing on stage alongside Rod, well not much anyway. Before i forget this is where the bit of the bald heads and big bellies come in, well ive never seen so many in one place before in my life, so if you are a bird who likes bald head big bellied blokes, go to a Rod Stewart gig.
Its been a funny old week, i fell in love with the blond again, not that i ever fell out of love with her, i just fell in love with the german for a bit, th ats all. And i still have all my bits intact!
Then, i went for a drive to spain. Now, normally i would say i love driving through France, because you come out the other side. And the french birds, feck, any bloke, including me, who has shagged a french bird will tell you that they smell and taste of garlic. I along with everybody else in europe hate the French.
So the next bit will come as a bit of a surprise, when i was in France i done a bit of man shopping, Yep, I brought a fishing lake, a house, and a barn to convert. I'm moving to France.
Feck knows what the blond is going to say!
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Sorry gowerboy.
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Posted:May 17, 2011 12:41 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2011 12:26 am 6872 Views
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I wrote a soppy poem today, feck it was soppy to the extreme. Extreme poetry is something i have no talent at, or at least so i thought.
And then it got me laid.
Fecking hell gower and tone I'm so sorry, poetry is king, well sort off, for today only.
Thinking about it, its not the first time i got laid because of a poem i wrote, the blond fell to my charms of a poet, along with the photo of my bum, and then there is no doubt that the millions of birds on ff threw their undies at their laptops when i have posted my world famous poems on here.
Nothing like self delusion is there.
Ophelia, ophelia,
why not let me feelia
See, ive done it again.
I love doing an introduction for one of my posts, i can say whatever i like, and not get my bits cut off.
Now for once, and for once only perhaps, the next bit is loosely connected with the first bit, well sort off, its art anyway.
For the past 20 years ive been collecting art, mostly in the form of abstract naked birds. I can say here, and don't ask me how i know, but, i have the sister painting to one that ophelia has hanging in her bedroom, her spare bedroom i should say before you all think you lucky bastard.
Now before all you birds get excited and think I'm some sort of paul getty with both ears, and want to shag me without me writing you a poem, i should say the whole lot cost less that a footballer earns in a week, and they are not worth anything, because i don't want to sell them.
So, you cant imagine, you cant fecking imagine, what comes next.
See left over from my german period, hanging on the wall outside my front door, is this what looks like an exhaust pipe. Now to you yanks its a muffler, i love that word, muff, muff, oooooooooooo.
What the feck is an exhaust pipe doing hanging outside my front door you may ask, well it was in aid of anglo german sexual relations of course. Only its not really an exhaust pipe, and its not rusty, it just looks like one.
Any way, im getting bored and want to finish, so i will, it turns out that this muff, muff, ler, is now worth 10,000 euros, as the artist, if you can call him that is now famous.
Best bring it in then.
There was a girl called dana
who thought a willie was a banana
she peeled the outer case
Cant say the last line, I'm laughing to much, funny how a shag makes you in a good mood for a bit! Rock on poetry.
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The shade of the summer kitchen
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Posted:May 15, 2011 2:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 2, 2011 7:58 am 5495 Views
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So, I'm back in spain, a great huge blubbery sweating mass, feck its hot here, but that's good ill be like a twig in 3 weeks without fish and chips.
You know what? ive come to the conclusion that most people in this world are fecking stupid, take ryan air for example, that great Irish airline who likes to mug people. They have a rule that you can only carry 10 kilos of hand luggage on the plane, and to enforce it as you go to the departure lounge, commonly known as a cattle pen, they have a line of butch polish stewardess waiting to weigh your bag.
Now mine was over, as you would have expected with the size of my undies, so they said throw something away or pay 40 euros, feck off, i ain't throwing my undies away, or paying 40 euros. So i put the lap top down the front of my jeans, ate the sandwiches and walked through, that's better they said.
What the fecks up with them, there is still the same weight going on the plane.
Fecking thing was delayed 3 hours as well, so it meant i went without a fag for 7 hours, bastards!
I hate flying, but now the stress of yesterday has gone, I'm sitting now in the shade of the summer kitchen, drinking coffee and typing this rubbish, the pool is filling up and the birds singing and ive just come up with a master plan.
When ive finished this I'm gong to put the laptop down my shorts so the german cant cut my best bits off......sorted
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bla, bla, bla
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Posted:May 11, 2011 10:29 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2011 1:19 pm 5214 Views
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The life of retirement thunders along at a breathtaking pace, i seem to be enjoying this retirement better than the last one.
Fishing, fishing, fishing, well its better than shagging anyway! not. Will i ever get laid again? It must be nearly 3 weeks now, sin sexo that is.
It matters not, as them actors say, I'm resting. Tuesday was a brilliant day, my beloved football team Norwich city had a civic reception at the city hall, 40,000 people lined the streets to watch them go by in an open top bus. Delia Smith made a few speeches from the balcony, She had two to many gins, man she was pissed. But do you blame her, she put millions in that football club, and now she gets it all back!
I'm being too nice, ain't I! Sorry about that sometimes i cant help myself.
Well, ive got a busy few days ahead of me, I'm off to spain on saturday, and tonight I'm going to take the blond to a wife swapping party, i hope to get a fishing rod for her, well shes feck all good as a girlfriend!
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The three steps to heaven
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Posted:May 2, 2011 11:00 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2011 9:32 pm 4978 Views
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Ricardo is a happy bloke.
Despite all what birds say about life and all that, it don't take much to make a bloke happy, we don't need the latest gizmo's or a brand new pulling car, just a little sex will do, and a shag i got! woooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooo.
Now i would have been content with that, sufficient to make me smile all day and dream about another one later, but there is more!
Sitting by the lake in the sunshine(I'm begining to like england again)with that stupid grin on my face and a little stiffy, i was watching my float dance on the still waters, feck me i said to myself, ive got a bite!
varrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooom my line just flew from the reel it was a biggie, for twenty minutes it was me against this huge fish.
Stops to sing, whats that coming out of the lake, is it a monster!
(still with the stupid grin, but an even bigger stiffie)
It went this way, it went that way, it went deep into the lake, it jumped out of the water, but my shaking hands took the hook out of a ten kilo carp, man that was better than sex. How i wish ophelia was there to take a photo of it, because as you see below it was so big my i pod could not get the head or tail in.
So you are thinking, man, no wonder hes a happy bloke, well there is more!
My beloved football team, Norwich city yesterday won a football match, and it won them promotion to the premier league.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
You see, miracles do happen, now sitting here with a even huger grin and the hugest stiffie, all I'm waiting for now is for ophelia to walk in the door!
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Why do we educate birds
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Posted:Apr 30, 2011 10:42 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2011 5:32 am 4563 Views
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Ive got a house full of girlies, millions of them it seems, the blond, her non lesbian sister, SILF to you, and two little girlies under five. There is also a 7 week old little boy as well and hes my mate, he seems to taken to me and I'm the only one who can get him to sleep. So as i walk round the house with boy in my arms tripping over the detritus of girlie's, i look at this wonder and think, why cant i shag your mum.
For now, at 6 o'clock in the morning i have peace and quiet, locked in my study with my laptop, it must be nearly two weeks since ive had a shag but i avoid looking at the rude sites. Even if the blond would let me shag her, and she wont, i couldn't now anyway, because she don't allow shagging when her family are here.
Can you imagine that?, next week the two fat lesbians are coming to stay, doing what lesbians do in the bedroom next door, and no sex for ricardo. Then i will look at the rude sites, just for educational purposes you understand, i mean what do lesbians do naked in the bedroom next door.
So today i actually looked at the blogs, feck me man, why do they educate birds?
Its a waste of us blokes money we pay in taxes that's what. They say we are a market driven world now, and that means if all the birds in the world stopped work, it would drive blokes wages up, and birds could stay at home doing what they should be doing, cleaning and cooking.
I mean listen, you give them an education that lasts for five years after school, they go to work for a year and then have babies, what a waste of fecking money. No, after school all birds should go out to work for 5 years before they breed, in a supermarket or a fast food chain.
Do you want fries with that?
Lets just face it, when it comes down to it, all birds can talk about is the hats that other birds wear at weddings.
Now i am going fishing, and I'm not going to tell the boss of the women's institute where I'm going.
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Feck the royal wedding
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Posted:Apr 28, 2011 10:56 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2011 1:15 pm 4819 Views
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There is a fecking street party outside my house today, yep a fecking street party in aid of that fecking royal wedding.
It makes me sick just thinking about it.
You cant turn the lap top on, the telly on, or even the radio with out hearing about it. The flags are out in the street, the papers are full of it, and the blond is driving me fecking nuts. Even the pub, where i cant go any more, is having a party and has got flags all over the place.
The blond, who wont let me shag her anymore, is going to watch it on telly and has given me orders to vacate the house, I'm going to do this gladly, I'm going fishing again.
You see whilst the blond and millions of other birds around the world are watching going ooooooo rrrrrrrrrrr, all the blokes in the world are going fishing, or playing golf. Tone boy, who is england, is right now camping out in london waiting to see the thing live, now i ain't worked it out if its a clever plot to pull an old bird, well lets face it there will be no competition, or is it he really is a bird?
And whats it all about, well let me tell you.
See all the birds around the world when they watch it on telly will be shouting, screaming even, you lucky bitch. Not because the prince is some good looking hunk, but because hes loaded with dosh.
All she has to do from 1 o'clock onwards is to open her legs every now and then, or perhaps her mouth, and she gets a huge pay out. You see the prince and princess are no different to any other couple.
After a few months, boredom and familiarity will set in and the prince will be looking for fresh flesh, and she will be on FriendFinder showing her bits to the world on cam, looking for some arab like her mother in law. Then they will get a divorce and the king will try to kill her.
And me, as a reluctant tax payer, will foot the bill.
Yep, feck the royal wedding, I'm going fishing.(and im not telling C.I.5 where)
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