lawyers, a thin bird and my granddad
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Posted:Mar 29, 2012 10:31 pm
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2012 9:45 pm 8713 Views
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I'm a country boy, i love my open space, my lake, i love cooking at night in my kitchen, even the blond ain't too bad, in fact i love my life. I don't know how people can live in this place, fecking noise and people everywhere. New York the city that never sleeps.
Well i wish they would all go home so i can get some fecking sleep
Lawyers are a bunch of shite bags, he kept me waiting, then opened the door with a slick suite on and a laser whitened smile, he thought a country boy I'm going to screw this bloke.
Well little did he know, i sat down in my new levies and this blinding cowboy hat i brought on 5th avenue, and said, you really need to dye your hair more often, the roots are really grey and I'm keeping my hat on until you stop fecking me around. You have 2 minutes to tell me why i should use your firm of lawyers i continued.
Grandads diary's are hot property, and along with the real estate he owned in New york it means loads of money for lawyers, he quickly saw it my way! In fact he s not a bad bloke, he took me to central park lunch time where i saw my first thin bird jogging!
My granddad was a Royal Marine, and he was attached to a small navy ship, for all you land lubbers that's a technical term, meaning he was stationed on it, it don't mean that he was tied to the ship by his neck! His ship was involved in the evacuation of dunkirk, and its here that he earned his first medal for bravery.
You see them barstead germans were bombing and shooting at us brits stuck on the beach at dunkirk, and all the navy and loads of private boats went over to get them off, well with bullets flying all over the place my granddad jumped in the water and got a line to this boat that was sinking and had no engine, and saved the life's of some 300 people.
In his diary he said i don't know what all the fuss was about, i just wanted to get home and see this red head!(who happened to be my grandmother)and if we had a boat on tow we had to go back to port.
Anyway, on this boat was the of the under secretary of Winston Churchill, i love that term under secretary, its like shes shagging him all the time but hes always on top, feck who would have liked to be squashed by Winston Churchill! So its a sort of jobs for the boys deal, he saved her sons life, she nagged churchill to get my grandad a good job.
My granddad ended up working directly for winston Churchill as a special bodyguard for important people. So here i am in this fecking place trying to get a film deal, and to reclaim this real estate that the papers suggest that he was given for saving another persons life.
I really want to go home.
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New york, New York
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Posted:Mar 28, 2012 10:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2012 9:29 pm 7305 Views
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Feck me, every time i fly from charles de gaul airport they loose my luggage, here i am in a wonder city, with loads of stuff going on and i have only the clothes I'm wearing. And let me tell you they ain't to fresh after that trip.
Ive got this theory, when in doubt drink whiskey, and it works see i don't like flying so i drank loads of the stuff, got a first class upgrade on the cheap and slept all the way over, the stewardess had to wake me up once because i was snoring too loud but hey!
Perhaps that's why i couldn't find my case, i couldn't remember what it looked like!
So its just after midnight here, i cant sleep, because I'm not tired and its really waking up time in france, and i cant go out on the pull because i have smelly knickers on. On top of all that i don't know where the feck i am, new york is as big as Norfolk with 30 times more people and cars. Feck me no wonder the birds are all fat here, they just sit In McDonald's all day because they are scared to go out in case they get lost.
So when in doubt, drink more whiskey and blog.
My granddad never talked about the war, i guess then they did not have councilors like they do now, and just bottled it up inside, but we do know he won some medals for bravery, and he was a Sergent in the royal marines, i know that because he gave me his old dress uniform jacket at the time of Sergent pepper,(the beatles) man i was the envy of my mates!
I have this wonderful photo of him sitting on a camel, so i guessed he was in north africa sometime between 1940 and 1945 though what the feck a marine was doing in the desert, i don't know. The mystery deepened because when i have tried to find out in the past about his war record the web site says, no records.
Anyway just by chance i have found out that he was in France after the war, man, sometimes i wonder about my life, yep i moved here and feck me if i didn't find out he was stationed just up the road in a town called Chabiniss. and that's what the key and the document was all about. You see it clicked that the document had the same logo on as the notair i brought my house through!
So a trip to see the beautiful french bird lawyer who turned out was the great granddaughter of the original lawyer ended up with me having in my hands my granddads diary and some other papers, fecking mind blowing they are too! It turns out that my granddad was a bit of a blogger in his time. Now i know what he got up to in the war.
So tomorrow, that's really today, I'm going to buy some clean knickers and see this robbing barstead lawyer, then go out and see if i can find a skinny bird, that's like hunting a needle in a haystack!
Friday i might even go and see Ophelia!
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Ricardos going to merica today
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Posted:Mar 27, 2012 10:59 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2012 11:47 pm 8251 Views
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The blond says its a wild goose chase, and that was rather funny at the time because we were eating this huge goose that i had just cooked.
You see I'm off to merica, that is if they let me in, yep i drive to paris today and get on a plane to New york this evening, feck i hate flying. The blond wont be coming because she said, with a huge sharp knife in her hands, all merican birds are fat, and she knows i don't like fat birds, so she knows i wont wander.
On top of that we are broke and the lawyer I'm going to see charges me 600 euros an hour the robbing bastead.
Its all to do with something i found when sorting out my stuff brought over in the move. As you know in England the first born inherits over the rest of the family, well as we were a poor family, all i got left from my grandads estate was a wooden box full of coins and a key, there was a mouse eaten document as well but it was unreadable.
Yesterday i found what the key was for, by complete accident, wow.
Perhaps my grandad was not as poor as we thought.
ill tell you more when i know.
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Breast cancer why havent they found a cure?
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Posted:Mar 24, 2012 11:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2012 10:35 am 6429 Views
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I don't know if you can say i like breasts, because i like small breasty things, not them huge ones that you see in the films, eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr. And birds pay good money to have plastic ones, Why?
So it can be argued that I'm a leg man, yep i like legs. But not them huge fat ones that rub together, you know the ones, you have seen them on merican birds.
Yep give me a skinny bird with red hair and small breasty thingies and id be a happy bloke, if i could remember what to do with her.
You see this year I'm 59 years old, (feck how comes it crept up so quickly,) whilst i can still build houses, lift 70 kilos, fish and manage a shag every now and then, gradually my body is wearing out, I'm passed my sell by date.
Ive had a good life, lots of beer, lots of girlfriends, lots of shags and caught a few fish, so I'm not complaining, but this week has been hard.
I found out that two of my ex girlfriends had died, both of breast cancer, both were younger than me. One of them the mother of my love , that hurt me, right deep down in my guts, i loved that girl.
I know that billions have been pumped into trying to find a cure for breast cancer, but ain't it time we spent more. Think about it, why are they spending billions on research to try and find a drug to cure altzimers so old farts like me can remember what their willie is for, when young women are dying.
There are young women out there dying of brest cancer. Young women that die before they need hip replacements.
Denice and Clair I'm sorry that i was not the man you wanted me to be, You were both special people. i loved you then, and still do now.
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Ricardo has gone all soppy(well its spring)
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Posted:Mar 22, 2012 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2012 7:29 pm 6783 Views
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I like spring, i like it a lot, in Spain it seemed spring just passed us by.
The olives and mango's always had their leaves on, as well as the avocado's, in fact the weeds grew in the winter and died in the summer, the showing of the wild orchards in april was nice though.
In England it was always grey, so what ever happened with the trees you were pissed off.
Now in France, wow, just wow!
I walked round the lake yesterday, gobsmacked i was, my weeping willows are full of fresh buds, and their branches are falling towards the calm waters. The fish are dancing in the water again, and all the fresh shoots of the marginal reeds are sprouting, pushing themselves above the surface.
The morning sun, now strong again, shimmering on the surface, man i want to go fishing, but alas i have work to do, and it wont be long before the fish start shagging, so we don't want to disturb that do we?
The massive oaks, black and lifeless in the winter, just starting to show signs of life, fighting their way back from the abyss to produce more acorns, to drop on my toilet roof and scare the living daylights out of me(or the shite out of me if you prefer)
The grass is starting to grow,and that's a pain in the ass, as i have to buy a tractor to cut it, hard when you ain't got no money left, best i go to work again then!
As i walk back to the car, with a grin from ear to ear, i think in four weeks time i have my first paying fishermen coming, now that ain't a bad life, I'm going to be fishing for a living.
The drive back to my house, on small winding French country lanes just enhances my mood, little lambs running their mothers ragged, buck deer skipping, i feel a little frisky myself.
A Nano second i think to myself, its not to far to Paris and that magnolia bird, that might be nice, but nano seconds pass in a nano second, and you know what perhaps for the first time in my life I'm happy with the only one bird i have, the blond ain't a bad old sort!
I guess finally ive grown up.
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Why are there no pussy enlargment adds on this site(dont give up misty)
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Posted:Mar 16, 2012 1:06 pm
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2012 9:31 pm 5994 Views
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Feck, all i get if i was to look in my junk box is adverts for enlarging my wedding tackle, what a waste of good cybre space!
Please, i don't need it
Viagra, what the feck do i need that for, the blond has the sex drive of a newt,(but i love her) even at my age i can keep up with her, and when i have the urge, i just hit it with a wet newspaper, i find the charante times works!
I book a flight, or a ferry, all they do is fecking try to sell me another one, or insurance for the one i booked.
I worry every day(that's a lie because i don't worry) because if i use the net i will be attacked by the advertisers.
Every body is trying to sell something and finding out the net is not the place to try.
Misty, what you have to do is forget them, please don't give up, us old bloggers never die, they just do it less often.
And think about it, why would blokes want their dangly bits made bigger, because they are cheap skate advertisers with no brains that's why.
And another thing, do birds get adverts to make their lady gates bigger? I think not.
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.......Sexist comment coming up...
........they just have .............
Oooooooch
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Worms, god and sox slaves
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Posted:Mar 11, 2012 11:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2012 12:09 am 4523 Views
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So today I'm going to be totally contradictory, nothing new there then!
So, ill start with the evolution thing, you see it has now been proved that we all came from a worm, yep, us, pigs, chimps, tone boy and worms share the same D.N.A. Well that's nice to know, when i put a worm on my hook to catch fish I'm putting out one of my cousins for them to eat! nice. Them clever people have also discovered that when us and Neanderthals shared the earth there was a bit of interbreeding going on, they have found traces of neanderthal D.N.A in humans. Now how they know this i don't know, but they say that some of the human birds were kept as sox slaves by the neanderthals.
So all this just goes to prove that i am a neanderthal and i want a sox slave, any offers?
Then there is the god thing, you see i have now discovered after years of research, the reason he didn't have his own bird to shag, and had to have his by that Mary chick.
He didn't like pre menstrual birds, and nor do i.
You see the blond has now moved to France, and she was pre menstrual at the time, that was bad planning on my behalf, wont it! nag nag nag, all way down in the car, and non stop nagging since.
Why cant i just have a sux slave like my great grandad did.
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A reply to Belgum Magnolia
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Posted:Mar 6, 2012 11:39 pm
Last Updated:Mar 7, 2012 8:40 am 5280 Views
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One Wild Night(thats not to much to ask for!)
It's a hot night, the natives are restless
We're sweating by the light of the moon
There's a voodoo mojo brewing at the go-go
That could knock a witch off her broom
We slither on in and shed our skin
Make our way into the bump and the grind
So I'm passing by, she gives me the eye
So I stop to give her a light
One wild night (blinded by the moonlight)
One wild night (24 hours of midnight)
One wild night (I stepped into the twilight zone
And she left my heart with vertigo)
One wild, one wild, one wild, one wild night
Havin' as much fun as you can in your clothes
Belgum Magnolia had me feelin' alright
It just might be that I found religion
I've been on my knees for half of the night
Then I'm rolling the bones with Jimmy 'no dice'
Gonna take him for a couple weeks' pay
Man, if you lose this roll I take your girlfriend home
So I stopped
But you're not gonna believe who comes walking out
One wild night (blinded by the moonlight)
One wild night (24 hours of midnight)
One wild night (I stepped into the twilight zone)
For one wild night
One wild night (hey,c'est la vie)
One wild night (welcome to the party)
One wild night (life is for the living)
All we've got is one wild night
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Im getting married in the morning
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Posted:Mar 4, 2012 2:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2012 10:11 pm 6009 Views
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The blond it seems has got in her head that i am going to marry her, well she can go and feck herself.
This bloke ain't the marring kind, ask the last two, they will tell ya!
Best I go and buy a new tie then.
So what is it in this day and age that us blokes have to still put up with this ancient ritual of marriage to get a shag or 4, i mean when you do buy that ring, it means the end of sex as we used to know it, i can tell you that for sure.
Let me explain, as you knew i would.
Lawyers were invented because of the black triangle(or sometimes ginger, or indeed the best ones that you have no idea what colour they are until some years later when there is a ring on her finger) sometimes i think to myself that the first ever lawyer in this world was a bird.
Well in fact it was, and tone boy can vouch for that, because 600 years ago he married her, he met her in the middle of Londin, know what i mean arry, and she had a shop with Layer on the board outside.
In walked tone boy, because in them days, he liked a shag, well he no doubt still dose but he cant remember how to do it nowadays, hi he said id like to lay you, well you can she said but first you have to sign this contract.
Tone boy said no way,
Then she got out her huge breasty things
Tone boy likes huge breasty things
Give me the quill he said ill sign
He did
And she went outside and put a w in the layer
And from that day on every bloke that got married ended up loosing their house and their and half of what ever else they had.
So the moral of this story is don't drink to much san miguel when you go on a date with a bird or a few years down the line you will end up spending all your money that you had saved up for your new Lamborghini on a ring, only to find out your sex life ends up none existent. You will also find fecking fridge magnets on your fridge and hair products in your bathroom, not to mention them smelly things all over the house.
Its not too late to go and join my brother in the Philippines is it?
As a matter of fact im not getting married, im just going back to England tomorrow,
SAME THING THEN, FECK
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Life in France
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Posted:Feb 20, 2012 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2012 4:00 am 5141 Views
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I hated the French, well its inbred in an english bloke to hate the french, ain't it, along with the rest of the world it seems.
But you know what, they ain't that bad.
Riccchhhard, the white haired pharmacist said, its not cold eee cum from veeeeeee alps, then why the feck did you get your car stuck in the snow, i thought, but said do they give blow jobs in veeee alps, or was it well I'm fecking cold on the outside here digging your car out, while you sit inside the car.
Anyway the house reform is going quite well, with not to much woodworm or wet rot, well not enough to worry about, yet, but i do have a big huge problem, and its not the one where I'm not getting any sex, its the one where my drains smell, and boy do they smell, it must be the frogs legs!
Well its not actually, you see this house is older than merica, it was built in 1836, and the drains are that old as well! a hole in the ground.
Riccccharrrd, the white haired pharmacist said, can you come and fix my chair, and wot is that ooooriible smell, curry, i said.
I mean what is it with French birds? why don't they say do you want a shag, instead of getting me round every day to mend things, though i would say, dose she wear anything under that white coat?
And then there is the toothless hag next door, what dose she say to me every day? and why is she not in some home for the old, infirm and ugly like tone boy?
You know what, i love it here, even if it dose smell and is fecking cold, its a shame the blond is coming to join me soon, because if she was not i would find out what pharmacists wear under their white coats, and tell the whole world.
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