Gods country
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Posted:Apr 27, 2011 7:12 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2011 12:05 am 4259 Views
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Without question, and i mean that so don't fecking argue with me, England, when the sun shines is the most beautiful place on this earth. Man i had a blinding time in welsh wales.(wales is in england, just to wind up gower)
And Ironbridge, WOW, a pusie heaven, they outnumber the blokes 10-1, and they are gaging for it!
But i wont interested, nope, i wanted to fish, and fish i did, got this lovely red head on the line, she dint put up much of a fight either, but i returned her to the pub, and hooked a blond.
Don't like the welsh birds though. They speak funny! And a good job too, the new blond was not into that!
So am i going back to spain, might do.
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Banish evil to the fires of hell(ban chocolate)
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Posted:Apr 19, 2011 11:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2011 12:04 am 5211 Views
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If there is a god, and there ain't, he must be raving angry right now. Fuming with steam coming from his ears, if gods have ears and belching fire from where its mouth must be.
Why you might ask, something to do with all the wars and stuff, is it because of simon fecking cowell and all his crap telly shows? Nope, something worser.
See the most beautiful thing ever that it was meant to create, but we now know evolved, is the woman's body. Did you notice then how i refrained from using the bird slang word, in reverence to such a work of art.
Yes without question this object is the most stunningly beautiful thing ever, except the ones with huge breasty things. Though i would say the tench i caught yesterday came a close second.
And whats happening? well all birds are getting fatter, that's what, Horrible rolls of fat hanging from their once beautiful bodies, I mean who would shag one? i wont that's for sure, besides that unless you had a specialist sat nav you would never find it.
Even the second most beautiful bird on ff, Dana, says shes getting fat. Wont be shagging her then!
I say all this because after 4 days without sex I'm looking for some fresh flesh, a new sex object, but it seems I wont find one in Norwich, man they are so fat and pig ugly to go with it.
Ban chocolate and chips thats what i say!
This brings me nicely to the story i was going to tell you about my fishing trip yesterday, see i went to this lake, a beautiful place with lots of fish, and sat down admiring the calm waters on a sunny day. A little later this bird came, sat down near to me and started fishing, unusual i thought, birds don't like getting their fingers smelling of fish, unless they are lesbians and lonely of course. I mean she had black leggings on a girlie T shirt, and respectable breasty things. A little ugly though.
Any way she started to talk to me, feck me man, it was a bloke!
I'm going back to spain! That's after i have spent a week in wales(gower country) fishing, just hope they don't have transvestites that fish there.
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Pigflu is born again
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Posted:Apr 18, 2011 5:12 am
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2011 10:04 pm 4884 Views
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God loves you, he gives you a chalange in life, nagging birds!
Dazed i walked out of the doctors, things dont get worser than this. Your liver is sort of fecked he said, what you mean i cant drink beer again, i said, nope he said!
Well it aint that bad really, just that i cant drink so much beer or have anything thats good for me. feck
So ricardo is a changed person hal a fecking lulia, i went out to buy a bible, so i could hit the doctor with. This non alco beer is shite, so shite i droped it all over my laptop, and had to buy a new one, and cant be pigflu again because i dont know the password.
Not only that im in england.
No beer
No fags
No sex
No german
and a nagging blond.
oooooooooooooo but the fishing is so good!!!!
Dont you just hate life, guess ill be back when i get windows 7 sorted out, and then ill tell you a story about the best nagging women in the world.........and how i dumped it....
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Feck off father christmas
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Posted:Dec 21, 2010 1:35 am
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 7:37 am 5409 Views
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So, look at it my way, they say christmas is a time for family's to get together, well all i can say they must hate each other or they will get together more often, its called ricardo logic.
I hate fecking christmas, and i hate that father christmas even more, i mean whats it all about!
It starts about june when the birds start buying presents that no one wants and builds to a crescendo in december when they start putting stuff in the house.
Take Ricardo's house, the blond has as she called it "decorated" a fecking plastic tree and stuff everywhere, i hate it. I ain't even got anywhere to put my whiskey or ashtray for bits of plastic holly.
And for what, shes going to see the two fat lesbians and the old biddy, and that to me is a bonus, something to look forward too!
Trouble is the pub is closed.
So what am i going to do about it! well as always i have a master plan for life and c. Yep I'm never going to have to see that fat bloke in a red suit any more in my life.
See a fat merican bird has given me an obscene amount of money, and I'm going to buy a fishing lake in the middle of Romania. This has loads of land with it that I'm going to surround with a 20 foot electric fence, no fat bloke will be able to climb that!
Birds are also banned, unless they are bi sexual and come in pairs have small breasty things,red hair,and promise to go home after a week. I'm fed up with pre menstrual girlies that fall in love, and make me fall in love with them, yes I'm going to be a monk!(who fishes a lot)
Ill no doubt change my mind again tomorrow!
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Help
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Posted:Dec 20, 2010 1:44 am
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2010 3:55 am 4253 Views
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Their limbs entwined pulling each others naked bodies closer, trying to be as one, fingers softly touching each others skin, the sensation of pleasure sending shivers through their combined togetherness. Their eyes locked in flirty combat, trying to find a way into each others mind and thoughts, the situation is clear, but can this immense feeling, that no one else has ever been privileged to, can simply be called love.
ooooooooooooo feck kinda made me feel all hot writing that, and that's all the heat I'm going to get, feck its cold in england.
Once again, the second time in just over a week i find my self flying away from that stupid emotion, this time only to land in a snow storm and an airport full up with fat mericans trying to get back to merica.
I found my car eventually, under a foot of snow, and just left it there, the train for me i thought. A train journey with no end only sad thoughts as portisheads dummy played on the i pod.
A night of pre christmas fun with the grand , party hats, crackers and chicken, a cuddle with big .
Man I'm a lucky bloke!
Just don't feel like it today, there are no more flights to spain until after christmas. I think i want to go back to them crossroads and sit down, there you don't have to make decisions.
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Dont mention the war or testicals
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Posted:Dec 17, 2010 1:13 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2011 9:27 pm 5078 Views
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I learned something yesterday, and this just proves even at fecking fifty seven i still have a brain, weather i able to retain this information for longer than a day remains to be seen.
dar dar dar, dar darrrrrrr, that was the phone ringing that was.
Hola hunn, i said, it was the german, veeeevonhorseenfeckenlookie
nien actung, snell. ve have ways of making you come.
Anyway i think she wanted me to look at her horses.
Now ive never been a horsey type bloke, i could never see what they were good for, apart from the by product that makes roses grow. I would say that i don't mind horsey girlies though, strong inner thighs and all that, and that whip! ride them cowgirl!!!
Yep sure enough, there were two horses, big uge feckers, nice i said but why ain't they got any dangly bits! I cut them off she said.
Gulp.
I say old girl,that's a bit drastic, i said in my bestest posh english, playing with my mustache trying not to mention the war or the 1966 world cup final.
She went on to say that a stallion(that's a with balls) can smell a ready pussie(that's if girlie horses have a pussie that get ready) for miles, and he just breaks out of the stable and goes and shags it. Fair enough i said, with a worried look in my eyes, as i saw her male had none either.
Aint there no foreplay, i said, No she replied horses are like english men, thats not fair i said, we ask if you are awake first.
I spent the rest of the day with one hand covering my bits thinking its a good job ive got a cold and cant smell anything.
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I wish (what do you wish)
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Posted:Dec 13, 2010 2:24 am
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2010 10:36 pm 4778 Views
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The war between merica and england had been raging for a month now, a bloody conflict escalating from a argument in a quaint ole Norwich pub.
Feck ya McDonald's, fish and chips are better was the Innocent remark that Ricardo had made, he should have stopped there but the poorly english man had to mention how fat the yanks girlfriend was, dint he!
Ricardo was now a squadron leader in the english air force, charged with the defense of the country, he reflected on the past few weeks from the cockpit of his craft, a leather sofa.
The radio crackled, tone boy his wing man shouted a warning Bandits at 1 o'clock high, sure enough the merican battle group were bearing down on them.
Tally ho!
What chance do we have ricardo thought as he looked at the thousands of gold plated roman chariots scream towards them, their leader a naked woman glistening with oil and glitter. Ophelia he thought, it had to be ophelia.
Ricardo looked round at his fleet, tone boy in the latest version of a old persons massage chair, and gower on a hastily assembled Ikea kitchen chair.
The first wave of heat seeking subway(with peperoni) missiles hit, then nothing
I wish this fecking fever would go!
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What if (Feck its going to be a funny ole 57th birthday!)
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Posted:Dec 10, 2010 9:29 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2010 7:59 pm 5483 Views
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All is not well in the ricardo household where the blond has magnanimously allowed me to sleep on the floor, yes she lets me sit and look at my art, but i think a birthday present is out of the window.
True, i understand the stuff that is coming out of my nose dripping in my facial hair sometimes get sprayed on the telly and her stupid magazine christmas tree, but hey! I'm only a bloke.
I understand that birds have some kind of sixth sense and know that their bloke has talked to another bird.
But is that really an excuse not to wash my undies?, not that i would wash my own undies at the moment, even if i could understand how that dam machine works, best throw them away and get some more, i say.
THen thers what if?
Feck its going to be a funny ole 57th birthday!
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and you can look in their eyes
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Posted:Dec 10, 2010 6:24 am
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2010 7:27 am 4861 Views
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Because I'm poorly, and only because, i have to admit to sitting down and watching the telly when i drink my glass of whiskey, now i normally wont do this because I'm tempted to throw the glass at the moving pictures.
We cant have that, can we, for a start hows my man flu going to get better, if the whiskey is dripping on the floor mingling with all them leds, also i will be charged extra by the cleaner for clearing the mess up. But i really want to, i mean really with a passion.
Its them adverts, for fecks sake, now they tell me them game boxes are good for your health, they emphasize the point with a sort of fit looking bird jumping up and down doing all sorts of things.
Next they will no doubt have a game called wank with william, sort of real life grunts and all, with extra points if you manage to ejaculate in the designated spot, namely the real life sized plastic breasts of jordan, supplied with the dvd.
But what do i know, ive never played a puter game in my life.
So we have gone from fat spotty slobs dressed in hoodies sitting in front of a telly killing people on screen, seemingly enjoying themselves, to now putting a hot looking leotard on and leap around.
Feck this world, its gone mad.
Now excuse me if i appear thick, but whats wrong with a good walk, perhaps a swim, or a few shags, and am i really being that stupid, dint all them fit birds bring out videos you could leer at for just a few pounds?
And then there is ff, shakes his head, stands up, I'm going up the pub, there you will find honesty, and you can look in their eyes.
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Guess something has happend to Ricardo
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Posted:Dec 8, 2010 3:12 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2011 2:38 pm 5832 Views
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Perhaps it was my melancholy mood, induced by driving further from the german, sort of 1 minute, a mile further away, sob, sob. Perhaps its just how i feel.
Really i recon its all my fault, well the fault of my generation, stops and takes another swig of meditional whiskey and stats singing the who song, coughing and sneezing at the same time.
You see, i liked my 8 track player, my lancia sports car, my white suites and gold chains, i even liked abba and the beegees, not that i would admit it, but i watched all their videos on my beta max player. Ok i know you all think I'm some kinda dinosaur and live in the past. But please listen to me...........
There are many routes you can take from Burgos to Santander, a winding minor road that takes you over the mountain, a motorway that gets you there via Bilbo, but this time i elected to take the new motorway right over the top of the mountains, well that's not strictly true, i really got lost and ended up on that road.
The only thing you can say about the countryside of northern spain is that it is blindingly and stunningly beautiful, breathtaking in fact, the mountains above Santander are no exception. The rolling lush green valleys, the craggy wind formed peaks, the crystal clear streams rushing to meet, for reasons unknown the murky rivers of below. Small stone built villages only add to what i think is the most beautiful place that i have ever seen on this earth.
And what do they do? build a fecking motorway through it, that's what.
As you drive, all you can feel is guilt, where once the green grass used to give us the oxygen we breath, now it gives the cows lead and other obnoxious poisons. Once the villages of the farmers, now empty apart from a few remaining elders, unable to stop the roof from falling in, as their young have abandoned them.
I had to pull over, just after the city sized frozen pea factory, i was crying, below me a forgotten village where once love was made, beautiful girls met their dreams in pretty frocks, a hardworking man for life. Entertainment was singing to a classic guitar, and a flirty smile at that handsome prince.
Yes they had no money, no i pod, no whatever.
But tell me dose the stuff, the pills, the recreational drugs, the sexually explicit web sites give the young of today what they once had.
Inner peace.
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