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woodlandcreatures

stories for old kids

forget me
Posted:Nov 11, 2020 2:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2024 4:9 am
1582 Views

Forget me

If i should leave
sooner than you ever thought
try to remember
the love we made
and the dreams we caught.
If i should slip, quietly
to some other sphere.
Remember the laughter and smiles
from whilst i was here.
Don't waste your time
with sorrow and regret.
Be glad for our days
and gently forget.
0 Comments
bag bitty
Posted:Sep 16, 2017 8:17 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2020 11:05 am
5655 Views

Found this in the bottom o me bag Maybe one day i'll finish it lol

Some dame in a dress made of promises
Is heating the room with her smile.
I memorise her in a snapshot
to keep in my "lonely nights" file

She gets the smoulders in her eye
when she says she's in trouble
That some Gawd-forsaken man
Has burst her pretty bubble.
1 comment
I don't believe it!
Posted:Jul 2, 2017 7:07 am
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2017 3:25 pm
6253 Views

I don't believe in chickens
I don't believe in Gawd
I don't believe in mermaids
But i do believe in cod.

I don't believe in your hysteria
I i don't believe in your dramatics
I don't believe in make believe
But i do believe in mathematics.

I don't believe a coward's bold
i don't believe that hot is cold
I don't believe the lies i'm told
I do believe i'm getting old.
0 Comments
Stump in vegetative state
Posted:Jun 22, 2016 12:35 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2017 7:12 am
11909 Views

Stump in vegetative state.

During an interview with the national enquirer television news? Mr Stump appears to have fallen into a vegetative state.This reporter has a transcript of the interview, it reads-
"Mr Stump you have mentioned in passing that it is your intent to build a wall.Could you tell us more about that?"
Sure Trisha. Firstly may i say your breasts look very perky.I don't wanna be politically correct here but i'd love to see you on your kneees in front of me.But the wall?The wall is gonna be beautyfool.It's gonna be terrific."
"And i believe that the Mexicans are going to pay for it?"
"Of course.Of course and it's gonna be fantastic."
"And the Mexican government are happy to pay for it?"
"They're gonna pay for it because we need it because of all the and drug monkeys they keep sending here"
"So they have agreed to finance it?"
"They're going to pay for it and it's gonna be great"
"I don't want to push you on this too much mr Stump but you are quite sure that the Mexican government are indeed willing to pay for Americans to build a wall on American soil?"
"You don't get it Trisha.We're gonna build a wall and it's gonna be soup herbs"
"No i do get what you're saying but i just don't quite see how you think you'll persuade Mexico to pay for the wall"
"It's them that are the problem.They have to pay for it.Right.You understand right?"
"Well no not really mr Stump.What will motivate them to pay?
Is it your intention to talk harshly to them or give them a nasty look or do you intend to threaten to nuke them?"
"Look they are a small backward country and we are America.They'll do what they're told,okay?"
"Why?"
"Are you stupid,I just told you"
"Well no you didn't really.You just keep repeating drivel.Do you intend to declare war on Mexico if they quite rightly refuse to pay you a peso?"
"frickle, burrr, smimp"
"Are you alright mr Stump?"
"Shipoopy"

At this point smoke was seen rising from mr Stumps hair-piece and he appeared non-responsive,Members of his entourage carried him from the set,
Later a representative issued this statement,
"Today the Stump units battery control suffered a minor overload.Unfortunately the control wig being of East European manufacture and rather old may be difficult to source parts for. In the meantime we would like to say on behalf of the Stump unit, Women should be in the kitchen or the bed,Black people have smaller brains than white folk and all muslims hate America.Thank you,I shall now take questions."
"Rodger Pooplesnaffle, Wig weekly.As the Stump unit is undergoing repair would it be possible to improve the power unit and increase it's current working parameters of a slow-minded 5 year old to something more suited to a prospective commander in chief?"
"We have looked into this but have found that to increase the units brain functions to that of a simpleton 8 year old would require such a large battery that mr Stump would have to constantly wear a top hat to disguise the new control wig and we think that might make him look foolish"
Not all of the Stump staff managed to keep a straight face at this statement and 2 interns were instantly you're fired for giggling.
A later statement from the Stump camp was by a Pedro Grandepenis (The initial representative having been you're fired for using intelligable language and being too smart for his booties)
Senor Grandepenis said."Ello peoples of America i just wants to tell you that mr Stump he ees a good man and he very kind too me.He say often to me i have a lovely bottom and he geeve it little squeeze,He say one day he like to have me take pee on him.I would like to add that Mr Stump has normal sized peepee."

Later (after another representitve was you're fired for coming up with the phrase "too smart for his booties" for being an intelectual snob.) a representative who looked suspiciously like Senor Pedro Grandepenis had this to add.
"Good day my American cousins.How are you all aih? My name is Harvey Hugedick and i would simply like to add that as a Canadian immigrant to this grand country that it's all lies that mr Stump has a small diddler.I can assure you all that he is as well-endowed as any 5 year old."
Later it was decided to simply use a computer to generate appropriately misogynist,racist xenophobic statements on behalf of the Stump camp. This is the statement in full."Black people are bad, Foreigners are bad,Muslims are bad.Women are sex-objects or stupid,Horses are bad.drug monkeys are bad.
The computer was you're fired for being horsist.
Even later a representative that looked suspiciously like Harvey Hugedick isssued this statement.
"Gidday mates, Brian Bigwillie ere.How they hangin? I'd just like to say that mr Stump has a chipolata sized dicky. Seriously guys you wouldn't even throw it on the barbie."
Currently mr Stump remains in a vegetative state but it's believed the parts to repair his hairpiece have been sourced and he will be back talking moronic drivel by the weekend.I've been your reporter Hamish Adultknob.Good evening.
2 Comments
Stumps wonderful world of reason
Posted:Jun 22, 2016 12:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2016 1:17 pm
13542 Views

"So we're gonna build a bridge across the sea from New york to Paris.It's gonna be beeyutiful.It's gonna be big.No Bigger.It's gonna be lots.It's gonna make thousands of jobs. It's gonna be great."
"Sorry? You're intending to build a bridge between New York and Paris?"
"It's gonna be beeeyutiful"
"How are you going to pay for this madness?"
"Maybe you're stupid.We're gonna build a bridge and it's gonna be terrific"
"Yes mr Stump but how are you going to pay for it?"
"The French are going to pay for it."
"So the French government have agreed to pay you to build a bridge from new York to Paris?"
"It's gonna be fantastic people"
"And the French are willing to pay for it?"
"Somebody throw this idiot out.He just doesn't get it.We're gonna build a bridge people"
"A bridge across thousands of miles of sea? Which sea mr Stump?"
"What are you?retarded? Across the sea and it's gonna be terrific."
"Yes mr Stump but which sea?"
"The sea dummy.Are you for real?We're gonna build a bridge people"
"Do you have any other plans to make America great again mr Stump?"
"We're gonna build a ladder to the moon and it's gonna be huge, No bigger. It's gonna be lots people"
"A ladder to the moon? Who's gonna pay for that? (This is going to be good)"
"The Chineese are gonna pay for it and it's gonna be beayutriful people.It's gonna make thousands of jobs and America will have all the cheese we want"
"Cheese?"
"What are you, stupid? You just don't get it.We're gonna build a ladder and it's gonna be terrific people"
3 Comments
end o the world not in a bang but a burble
Posted:Jun 22, 2016 12:29 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2017 8:51 am
11713 Views

"Hay Boris there's a cliff ahead"
"Scaremongering,burble"
"No seriously Boris, look"
"Fear-mongering,burble"
"Can't you see it.It's not just me .Thousands and thousands of us can see it"
"Blackmail, hypocrisy, burble"
"Hypocrisy?"
"I just like saying it.It makes me seem clever to stupid people,burble"
"But you're clearly dim"
"Veni, vidi vespa burble"
"Huh?"
"Bit o Latin, the oiks love it, burble"
"You and your lemmings are dragging us to ruination"
"So?burble"
"You'll go over the cliff with us"
"Look you silly oik, i saw a chance to be taken seriously as a contender for prime minister and took it. It doesn't matter what happens to the rest of you oiks and i know something you dummys don't know, burble"
"What?"
"I have a parachute made of money,burble"
"But the rest of us don't you scumbag"
"Well you should have got one don't you think old chap,burble"
"Man but you and the stump have so much in common,both self-obsessed pea-brains who don't give a shit about anyone but yourselves",burble"
"Oh i resent that old chap, Stump has never said anything that would mislead you to believe he's clever, burble"
"That's true.OMG Boris you just said something true, won't your head explode or something?"
"Burble,burble burble"
"Oh no are you broken?"
"Burble, burble burble"
"Boris?"
"Sorry just had to reset,burble."
"When we're all lying horribly injured at the bottom of the cliff how will you excuse leading us to such a sorry state?"
"I'll blame the e.u. of course, or maybe immigrants or the mentally and physically unwell or the Scots.Doesn't matter who i blame.I'll be prime minister and be able to do all the things dodgy Dave dreamed of doing.Not just slash benefits but eradicate them,if yer breathing you should be working.Slash services,slash pensions, privatise the NHS.It's gonna be great.And hay with a bit of luck turning our friends into enemies might just give us the chance to declare war on France or Spain or Germany.Third times a charm right?
"You forgot to burble"
1 comment
chrimbo ode
Posted:Dec 26, 2015 4:16 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2015 12:07 pm
13750 Views
CHEERY CHRIMBO POME

Age is a crime
worse than fraud
worse than robbery with violence.
Age is the silence
of voices which once sang
and the salty tang
of summer nights and romance
abandoned.
Age is forgetfulness and dithering
hopeless imprecision.
Not knowing why you came this way
The speeding of ones day to day.
The rapidity of hours.
Preferring baths to showers.
Age is aching bones and
collecting ills.
Knowing each hour wounds
but the last one kills.
Age is
worst of all
knowing love will never
once more call.
Age is a crime.
0 Comments
wearing ma clobber
Posted:Nov 11, 2015 5:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2016 10:27 am
14473 Views

Wearing ma clobber.

Ither lassies might wear ma shirt
but you can wear ma boabble hat.
I'd even let you wear ma skirt,
though yid need ta get fat to wear that.
I'd certain let you wear ma wellies
(pack 'em oot wi' a' ma smellies)
There's no a thing you couldny wear
it's just a matter o' do you dare?
3 Comments
open doors
Posted:Nov 2, 2015 9:16 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2017 8:53 am
14202 Views

Every open door is not a chance to flee.
Every window not a perfect point of view.
The herd may howl
but you need not agree.
The only heart you need honour
beats inside of you.
1 comment
baggy bit
Posted:Oct 28, 2015 10:27 am
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2018 1:54 pm
14237 Views

Bag pome

We see what we want to see
and nothing more.
We hear the notes to our own sad song
but do not knopw the score.
All of us are idiots
with precious little sense.
Our cowardice collosal.
Our ignorance immense.
1 comment

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