Old beginings
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Posted:Mar 7, 2009 3:37 pm
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2012 7:22 am 6154 Views
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Woodland story 1
(a StevenTsquirrel adventure)
“A work of comic genius says the Beano”
“Gaun hae a drink yah bam” says some drunk bloke up the town”
StevenTsquirrel flicked his roll-up into a puddle of pee next to the clowns trailer. It had been a long wait but there she was next to the conjuring bears’ cage. Enormous and gloriously grey. Steven trembled with squirrely desire. He didn’t much care that the object of his desire was in fact a male called EnglebertTelephant (very showbiz but male nevertheless)
Steven used his stealth squirrel powers and sidled up to him/her.
“Hay hen fancy gaun fer a bevvy wi us?” said Steven in what he considered his most sexually alluring Scottish burr.
Englebert eventually located him and said, ”Ehh?”
“Fancy gaun doon the disco wi us? It’s big grey things fer free night” burred Steven.
“ehh okay” said Englebert, trying to keep the campness out of his voice .”But I’m not really big on dancing, just big. I tend to give my bum a good shake at the start and by the time the song’s finished I’m pretty much done wobbling”.
“Aye very funny hen. Yer gorgeous. Maun then” said Steven.
“Keep a hold of your nuts. Just let me put on my Kylie shorts and straighten my trunk and I’ll be right with you”
“It’s a braw nicht fer the jigging. Whit’s yer name and ehh if yea don’t mind me askin’ what fersackily are you hen”?
“Yeah it is quiet here. This time of evening the bear usually goes for a shit in the woods”Englebert hesitating tried to think of a really butch name .”My friends call me Endevour and I’m an elephant”.
Steven didn’t have a Scooby what an elephant was but didn’t care as he was already imagining telling his mates about his night of squirrely lurve with the huge grey thing.
“Endeavour? Does that mean ure up for it hen, haha? So ure no a chicken then?”
Steven had a thing about chickens. He didn’t believe they exist. He thinks they were made up to scare small animals, like mortgage advisors or Vet’s, kind of mythological maybe like dinosaurs and God or honest politicians, but people kept telling him , much to his chagrin (and you don’t want to see a squirrels chagrin) they were real. So he’d made it his lifes’ mission to trap one and copulate all over it. (That’ll teach them)
All this despite the fact that mrs HenriettaThen delivered his eggs every morning and that several of his friends had names that ended in Tchicken. But whenever anyone mentioned this Stevens eyes would glaze over and he’d smile as though humouring a mad person.
Englebert emerged from behind the conjuring bears cage wearing sunglasses and a pair of gold lame~ hotpants.
“It does smell a bit like bear pooh round here. Shall we go?”
“You look fandabby-dozey hen. Aye I’m sorry aboot that, I wondered what I stood in earlier. It’s okay though I wiped me hands on me tail.”
“Charmed I’m sure” said Englebert.
There was a pop, a puff of smoke and suddenly a bear appeared in the cage.
“I wish you’d stop doing that Boris. You’ll give some -one diaohhrea”.
Steven quickly leapt to his feet from lying spread-eagled on his back (He’d been told if you pretend to be dead chickens don’t eat you).
“Aye mate if it werny fer the big feller being here I might have used my ninja squirrel powers on yea” Steven said trying to appear cool and cat-like.
Boris chuckled to himself and held out a pack of playing cards to Steven. “Pick a card, go on pick one. I dares you.”
“No leave it Steven or we’ll be here all night. We’re off to the disco” said Englebert.
As they walked off Steven discovered a playing card stuck to his tail.
“How did yer ken ma name hen? am I that famous?” asked Steven.
“It’s written on the playing card stuck to your head” said Englebert.
“Cheesy peeps that bear is good. So whit d’yer do fer a livin’ yea big gorgeous thing you?” said Steven as he tugged at another playing card that had suddenly appeared on his tail.
“I do an act in the circus don’t you know. I lift my leg and I sit on my bum while some bird in a sparkly leotard waves her arms around. Sometimes I kick an inflatable sheep into the crowd. The audience love it.”
“Aye sounds awesome hen” Steven tried his best to sound impressed.
At the door to the disco WilberforceTwolf greeted Steven.
“You behave yourself tonight and no stealing the nuts. In you go. If you’ll just go round the turnstile, ehh, ehh,” He couldn’t think what to call Englebert. “Or you could just step over it, ehh, mate.”
Steven nudged Wilberforce as Englebert went ahead trying not to step on anyone .”I’ve hit the jackpot Berf, shall I ask if she’s got a sister? Her name is Endeavour and tonight Matthew I’m getting my End’ away, haha.
“You be careful she doesn’t just squish you” laughed Wilberforce.
“Ooo I hope she does” leered Steven and swaggered after Englebert, chest out, tail erect (playing card removed).
“You take a seat, well several seats hen and I’ll get you a bevvy. Whit d’yer fancy, apart from me?”
“Surprise me, just not cough mixture , I hate the stuff, it makes me sneeze”.
“Oh aye hen, I wouldny want you to sneeze in an enclosed space. Be right back”.
At the bar, FlirtyTfox served Steven.
“Awright Flir hen how they hangin’? Gonna gee us a Babysham and rotgut, on second thoughts better make that a double and my usual cherry and pineapple surprise” (the surprise being that it was pure rocket-fuel strength whisky known locally as “nippy-sweeties” as many noisy babies were dosed with the stuff to quieten them down.
“So who’s the big grey hunk?” asked Flirty.
“That flirty hen is a bloody big notch on me bedpost”
“You’re a dirty wee feller Steven. Have you no moral compass?”
“I do hen but it always points north”.
As he turned from the bar Steven first removed another playing card from his tail then slipped a big white pill into the baby sham, thought about it and emptied the whole bottle in there.
“There yea go hen, it’s got loads o sweeties in the bottom you’ll maybes need to stir it a bit. Let‘s hit the dance floor darlin’”.
Englebert slowly and carefully made his way to the centre of the clearing, moved all his weight onto his back right leg and with a tremor inducing heave threw it to his left back leg, then stood as still as he could while his body and anyone within 20 foot, shook
At the end of the music ConfusciousTcat announced.
“Confuscious say, we will now begin annual dance competition, competitors please line up in front of judges, I thank you many times“.
The dance floor cleared.
First up were BeauregardTbadger and FingersTfox dancing the woodland waltz (Later Beauregard discovered his wallet, pocket watch, signed photo of BritneyTbadger and several of his fillings were missing. Luckily he was able to replace his Britney pic as Fingers just happened to have one for sale)
There followed a procession of vaguely entertaining dancers and the audience were beginning to lose interest until MarvinTmillipede did his river dance interpretation. He was head, shoulders and torso above the competition and did a hugely impressive Jette (.a whole squadron of jettes actually) when he was announced the winner. He puffed out his chest and strutted the clearing shouting “Hung like a beetle, me”.
“Why’s he shouting that” Englebert asked Steven.
“Oh when he was young, people were forever doing the “99, clunk, 99 clunk joke and asking him if his leg was alright and one day he said “That clunk you hear isn’t my leg sweetheart I’m hung like a beetle, me! and now it’s his catch phrase. He shouts it whenever he gets excited. You can hear him all over the forest when he has sex.”
The night ended with the “woodland woohoo”, a complicated dance involving choreographed feet, hand and tail movements, considered quite dangerous as the previous summer several cows practicing in a field had been ritually burned to death.
“Mon hen finish yer drink and we’ll go fer a wander in the moonlight. I’ve got a stash o stale buns no far from here”
“Buns? Did you say buns?” Englebert said excitedly,” Lead on my furry friend”.
Englebert hoovered up the last of his drink.
“A , a ,my kingdom for a ” declaimed Englebert loudly and slurrily. “I could have played Hamlet you know but no-one took me seriously, no one saw past the trunk. Alas poor Yor,hic, I feel lighter than air hic”.
With one last heave on the block and tackle Steven hoisted Englebert into the oak tree (Known locally as the humping tree).
“Aye pet I’ll get yer a later” panted Steven, ”Just gie us a mo’ to catch me breath”.
“Out, out damn hic, See I could have done Lady McWhatsherface” mumbled Englebert.
Steven scurried up the tree, positioned himself behind Engleberts’ suspended bum, took a deep breath, yelled “remember Culloden” and leapt spread-eagled onto the mass of grey.
At 4 o clock in the morning Steven lay atop the comatose Englebert smoking a roll up and smiling smugly to himself. This was going to be a great story to tell his grandchildren.
He wrote a note and with a dod of chewing gum he found stuck in his tail (along with several playing cards that just kept appearing out of nowhere), he stuck the note between Engleberts eyes. It read, You were enormous babe.
Steven, using his Ninja stealth squirrel powers disappeared into the dawn. (actually he went looking for someone to tell his latest conquest to)
And they all lived happily ever after, sort of.
The END.
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4
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Part 2 of Ditty round-up.
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Posted:Jan 22, 2009 2:37 pm
Last Updated:Feb 4, 2009 6:51 am 5880 Views
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Woohoo!!! I've exceeded the maximum size post allowable and am having to add this post to complete my ditty round-up lol.
And as this one manipulates,
Tells you what's right and what's wrong.
Remember, silly sweetheart.
You're just where you belong.
WHO NEEDS drugS?lol
My father was an Oysterman.
My maw was a home-made Kazoo.
I know you think that's nonsense
But it's absolutely true.
My brother was a Bamford bun.
My sister, just a bike,
Though if she got a pair of spokes,
She'd call herself a Trike.
My uncle was an elephant.
My aunt was a pink gnu.
You think that's only slightly odd?
But she wore a tutu too.
My grandad was an army.
My granny was a soldier-girl too.
I know you beleive not a word of this,
But it's positively true!
I am just a of words.
With the voice to speak them too.
Though sometimes what i whisper
Isn't altogether true.
LOONY TOONS.
It's not that i love you,
But all the words you said, i still recall.
It's not that i want to,
And though i try, i can't forget at all.
I see you, and all the things i want just disappear.
I'm near you, and suddenly i am filled with fear.
It's not that i need you,
But i can't smile if you are not nearby.
It's not what i agreed to,
And yet somehow, you still can make me cry.
I hear you , and everything else is just noise,
You speak to me, and i cannot discern another single voice
I'm saying i love you.
CHEERY LITTLE POEM.
The subject of today
and topic of tomorrow,
Is, how much you can beg or steal
or permanently borrow.
The future of the days to come
and days that surely follow,
Are full of cruel and empty lies
And vows that still ring hollow.
AUCHTERMUCHTY LASSES.
Night descends on Auchtermuchty.
The lights o' street do twinkle.
Ah'm goin' on the toon tinight
To exercise ma winkle.
Oh bonny lass o' Auchtermuchty,
Prepare yer dial and dress.
I'll gie ye such you've never had,
To which you can confess.
MORE BITS OF POEMS.
The start of the affair.
One thoughtless act of kindness.
One throw-away word of concern.
One promise of hope to the hopeless.
One prize you can't possibly earn.
Two souls upon collision course.
Two bodies that merge and mingle.
Two marriages precursive of divorce.
Two once wed, soon are single.
PAST LIFE.
If life had not passed you quietly by.
If love was not a distant memory
You would not sit by the fire and sigh
And long for different company.
When i was young i played with the stars.
The moon was my special friend
Days went on forever
And Summer would never end.
Now i'm old, the moon has turned her back
The stars know not my name.
Days and Summers lease
Play a very different game.
I yearn for youth
Like a starving man longs for food.
My time as a was much too short
And nothing since, has been as good.
HAL ASLEEP POEM.
Sleepy head, come to bed.
Come to your lovers lair.
Leave behind those other kind,
And come where you will not care.
RINYS RIPOSTE.
Take my words and take offence.
Though your righteous outrage makes no sense.
Be upset by my demeanour.
Take umbrage at my household cleaner.
Call me names. Say i'm stupid,
Small and fat, a spastic Cupid.
Find fault with every thought i've had.
Twist my reasoned argument into something mad.
Dub me the epitome of evil, though i'm hardly even bad.
Say i'm a bounder and a dreadful cad.
Funny, silly man. I just think you're sad.
WAITING FOR A KINDER DAWN.
On a promintory,
By the ocean-side,
Lonely as a starfish,
Jeli dreams of salty love
And sings her perfect songs.
Her voice is lost
Among the pebbles and the sand-dunes,
But if you listen to a conch-shell
A whisper lingers still.
Her lovers send her messages
In semaphore and bottles.
Some-times she will answer
In waves and sea-spume kisses.
Still,
Still She sits upon her rock.
Burning in the sun.
An earth-bound star.
A love-lorn of poetry.
Waiting.
Waiting for a kinder dawn.
UTOPIA.
Lost in Utopia
bereft of all your woes
counting all yer fingers
and counting all yer toes
Then you check yer visage
starting with yer nose
and find that even here
there are thorns on every rose.
STINKY POEM.
Run your fingers, my love, gentle,
Over the scars of my youth.
Trace the journey i travelled
to stumble on the truth.
Listen to all my sorrow
and still remain aloof.
Know that it's you
i was born to love
though i offer up no proof.
UNWANTED.
Put my thoughts in a box.
I don't want them any more.
This fear i've been toting's
become such a bore.
Take them away
and drown the lot.
Bury them deep
and leave them to rot.
My worries are useless
and utterly worthless,
Poe-faced and serious
and annoyingly mirthless.
Free me of these
my unseen chains
and you'll free me of all
my unsalved pains.
Give them that dark kiss
that knows no affection
and let me not find them
when i fall to reflection
Close all my thoughts in a box
and put them under the bed.
Then don't bring them out
till the day that i'm dead.
SOME OTHER WORLD.
In some other world
Your absence does not matter.
Your goodbye is an ordinary moment
that's passed.
All the words you said
are simply thoughtless chatter.
It means very little
that your love didn't last.
In some other place
your faithless heart is sleeping
and some careless man
is happily free.
He has no woes
and is not sadly weeping
But Lord knows
that other man ain't me.
HOPE.
On my lonely days,
I find smiling hurts my face
I try to laugh but it rings hollow
I just tuck and roll until tomorrow
Hope i don't lose my place.
On my lonely days,
I count the ponderous hours
I wish my day away.
I hide myself from the grey.
Hope for gentler showers.
On my lonely days,
I try to remember i am cherished.
I take solace where i can.
Accept life has a plan.
Hope my hope hasn't perished.
BACK FROM THE SEA.
Back from the sea,
Back from the sea.
Captain Jake is back from the sea.
What did he see,
Out on the sea?
He saw two lobsters who couldn't agree.
He saw an old halibut taking tea.
He saw a vulgar seagull filled with glee.
He saw a walrus filled with brie.
(They love cheese, do walruses)
He saw a red fish in the Yellow sea.
He saw an octopus 'avin' a pee.
He saw a dream of you and me.
Silly old Jake
Is back from the sea.
bits o poems.
It's been too long since i swam in the sea
and the beach was my bed for the night.
She tastes like guilt, sticky on my tongue
I'm much too old and she's much too young/
Sweetheart come to my lair
You know you'll love it there.
I have a few nuts we can share
and other delights, if you dare.
SOME WORDS.
Some words are poisonous, dangerous.
Some words should not be used without adult supervision.
Some words are not temporary,
remain embossed upon your mind.
Some words disguise the truth.
Some words are joy.
A kiss upon your ears
Will mollify your fears,
Cannot be beleived,
Once uttered, cannot be retreived,
Paint a pretty vision,
Make a hopeless prison,
Lift you high beyond the sight of man,
Do so much more damage than other words can.
Some words want to be your friend,
Are the means to an end,
Should not be out on their own,
Like to talk dirty on your telephone,
Are momentary, fleeting
Some words are a genial greeting.
Some words are verbose, some taciturn.
Some words are a salve, some, frigging burn.
Some words bear repitition,
"Some-words", is this un?
Some words.
WOODLAND CREATURES.
There are creatures in the Woodlands,
Of which we do not speak.
Sharp of claw
and tooth and beak.
In dark of night
you may hear a shreik
As the angry strong
Devour the week.
Beware the dank and verde antique
Where un-named things
snook and sneak.
Their form a shadow
swift and sleek.
There are creatures in the Woodlands,
Of which we do not speak.
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1
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Ditty round-up.
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Posted:Jan 22, 2009 2:29 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2017 6:12 am 6832 Views
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Just my usual quarterly round up of me wayward poems and sticking 'em all in the one post so's i know where they are.
Unless you have a great lurve of scrolling or are seriously bored don't bother with this un.lol
It's longer than some friggin books so it is.
Let's.
Let's shoogle and conjoogle
Let's kiss and let's canoodle
Let's make bouncy babies
Till it looks like we have rabies
Like a foamy-mouthed big poodle
Let's pig out and party
Let's get arty-farty
Let's finger-paint our desires
Let's take our O's and then our highers
Let's play pirates me hearty
Let's be loud and lairy
Let's be kinda scarey
Let's develop an attitude
Let's be friggin rude
I'm a Christmas tree, you can be a fairy
Let's conquer the world together
Let's bitch about the weather
Let's go out and paint the town
Let's lie in the sun till we both go brown
Let's stay in and have a blether.
Don't let him.
Don't let him call you sweetheart
(though he melts you with a smile)
Cos loving only one heart
Is really not his style.
Don't let him call you darling
(though you really wish he would)
He'll never quite adore you
the way you know he should.
Don't let him call you pookums
(silly though it is)
Cos if ever you should let him
He'll know for sure you're his.
Conscience Bridge.
On conscience bridge
extraordinary voices sing of
foul deeds and dark desires,
of murder as a currency,
as petty cash.
On conscience bridge
tortured ghosts gather
to scream their torment
and to celebrate depravity.
On conscience bridge
where i declared my love for you.
Horribly wonderful.
Blacker than all the nights put together
Brighter than all the days
I have loved you in so many
Horrible, wonderful ways.
And when over my last bed
Some idiot preacher prays
Be sure of this one thing he says
I had loved you
And still love you
In so many horrible,
Wonderful
Ways.
Deniable evidence.
My alibi is fool proof
I was with myself all night.
While others may think quite differently
I'm sure you know i'm right.
So when they bring the charges
I hope you will agree.
It might have been anyone who loved you
But it certainly wasn't me.
Love-sick.
Curtail your childish celebrations.
Subdue the singing parrots.
Put away your naughty toys
and consume those party carrots.
She is not coming home today
nor will she be tomorrow
for her heart is filled with ghastly gloom
and nasty-looking sorrow.
I tried to fill her eyes with smiles
but my efforts all were wasted.
There is no cure for sickly love
once the poison has been tasted.
Powdered love.
Reduce your heart to powder
and slip it in her drink
then suddenly she will love you
and not know what to think.
Turn your joy to lotion
and smear it on her arms
then she will adore you
and aprreciate your charms.
Take all your finest feelings
and put them in her larder
then she'll rub you up the wrong way
and make yer thing go harder.
Survival of the thickest.
I am one of the last intelligent men
and when
in 3,010
the last of them
ends his lonely life
with his stupid
and his stupid wife
humanity will stagnate
as moron man and moron mate
wait
for the inevitable date
with unforgiving fate
too late will be the cry
for one with high
i.q.
For there will be no more like me
and certainly none like you.
The language of lurve.
Her eyes tell secrets
she does not know she owns
there are messages hidden
in the marrow of her bones
and when she and i
together are alone
She speaks to me in language
only i condone.
Gawd is in the lightbulb (running around like a mad thing)
Lamp-post oh lamp-post
my electrical friend
you go straight up
until you bend
and in your bowing
light the way
for all at night
and none at day.
Who's a dull boy then?
Captain Jake,Captain Jake
tell us all your secrets
You've seen the sea
You've seen the land
You've eaten cake and biscuits
They say you've swam the Hellespoint
They say you've swam near 50 lengths
Reveal to us your unseen skills
and poke us with your hidden strengths.
A Cheesy poem.
Send me a letter,
write me a note,
Let me know how your life is behaving.
Tell me your secrets,
tell me your truths,
Tell me the things you've been craving.
Send me your hopes,
send me your dreams,
Send me a plan of your journey.
Name me the things that make you laugh
(curse those that make you feel gurny)
Know that i follow each step that you take,
know that i'm there at your side.
On every adventure from which you escape
My heart went along for the ride.
My lonely thought.
My lonely thought
wonders where the others went,
wonders, with the summer spent,
perhaps there is some room to rent
in a less deserted head.
My lonely thought
wanders in it's solitude,
wanders, though it does no good
to ponder on what might or could
have lessened the cold of this bed.
See me in my underpants.
See me in my underpants
What a glorious sight i am.
A delightful, dodgy dollop
Of date-expired ham.
See my toothless smile and gasp
Then decorously swoon.
Many a fiddle has faltered
In playing this sad old toon.
See me in my manly kilt
Hairy legs a-flashin'
I'm every young girl's nightly knight,
A superannuated passion.
See me in all my wonder
and glory in my style
But don't be like the other girls
and run a fricken mile.
When Autumn surrenders her ruby lips
To Winter's cold embrace
I sit by the fire and think of you
And long to see your face.
As cold creeps in
beneath my skin
and rain is in my tear-duct
I recall
the lovely fall
and all the times we f***ed.
Me and Bubbles T Baboon.
I walked a moonlit mile,
I wandered the shadows unthinking,
I laughed with the stars
and gazed at the moon, unblinking.
I know what you'll say,
"What on earth were you thinking?",
"Had you been drugged?",
"Had you been out and been drinking?".
I'd slept from dawn to afternoony
and the dark was so warm and so swoony.
The singers of night sang so croony
But that's why i'm now such a loony.
It's easy for you in your human cocoon
You have other humans with whom you can spoon
But ever since i stared at the moon
My only amour is a friggin baboon
D.I.Y.
When the blood rushes to my underpants
and my mind is befogged by lust
I get out my favourite old screwdriver
and buff away the rust.
Bag bits.
Elouise oh Elouise
Princess of the 7 seas
Elouise my Elouise
Mistress of the southern breeze
Elouise sweet Elouise
Godess of the plants and trees
Elouise strange Elouise
You fill me with an odd dis-ease.
Place your precious hand
Gentle on my simple brow
Take my rising temperature
As only you know how.
In our search for easy dollars
We have made what's good turn bad
We have squandered all the glory
of the blessings that we had
In the forsaking of our nature,
In denying who we are
We have cut away our beauty
and left a weeping scar.
In auld lang syne
My faither and his faither
and ae ma couthie faimily
have wandered this bonny land
o'er purple heathered brae
alang the mahreg ghru
clad in plaid and ghillie shirt
and blessed Scottish clime.
Translation lol
In past times
My father and his father
and all my sweet family
have wandered this beautiful land
over purple heathered hills
along the gloomy path
clad in tartan and gamekeepers shirt
and blessed Scottish weather.
Entombed in poetry
hidden under verdant rhyme
a soul secreted in the imagery
appears from time to time.
In hints and in the half-truth
in borrowed words and phrases
the author exposes his heart
in the kindred love he praises.
When love leaves it's exquisite sorrow
heavy in your tear-sodden heart.
When she smiles ruefully goodbye
Tell her to "just, go and fart!"
Bottom o the bag bits.
Let us never stoop so low
as other men are pleased to go,
for in our stooping we transform
from happy King
to slave forlorn.
In unclaimed guilt
In shame denied
In treachery
In truth belied.
(Dunno where i was going with that lol)
FERN T FELINE's Big Brave Poem.
I kissed the monster
Whilst he was sleeping in his bed.
I leapt up onto his pillow
and rubbed my face against his head.
I'm a brave little girl
and you can't say i'm not.
Cos i sneezed upon the monster
and covered the fecker in snot.
DREAMTIME.
In the beginning,
In the dream-time,
When life was just a canvas
bare beneath an empty sky
and God was yet unborn.
The idea of life
swam in an acid sea
searching for a flint
to scratch it's back upon.
Creation was a damp spark
in the ocean depth,
the after-effect of an itch.
Sure thing.
In certainty and doubt
with passion
and without.
With hope and with despair.
Careless
and with care.
I have been loved
both well and woefully,
and truthfully
both will suffice.
For any kind of love
is always very nice.
.
,
.
,
.
My Heroine,
.
Dew clinging
like a long-neglected lover
to your mascara lashes
sparkles and flatters.
Dawnlight found you
in my grateful arms.
Beloved
So beloved.
I shall not want to sleep
Nor ever want for sleep
You and your magical smile
Have killed the monsters in my head
ODE "R" OF LOVE.
My lass is bonny
My lass is fine
She sends yummy shivers
Up and doon ma spine.
My lass is canny
My lass is fair
She makes me do a s ex wee
Whenever she touches me "there".
My lass is an Angel
My lass is a sweetheart
Makes my tummy feel funny
So's i do a wee lady fart.
LIVING ON FILM.
Catch the moments of your life
Sealed in salt and celluloid.
Face the treacherous truth
You tried so hard to avoid.
You're not the "star"
Just an ordinary player.
And to be honest sweetheart
You really shouldn't care.
WEDNESDAY WALTZ.
Ô My elephant won't come back
My elephant won't come back
I put him in a sack
and took him to Iraq
Now my elephant won't come back
My walrus won't come home
My walrus won't come home
i squirted him with foam
When he was on the telephone
Now my walrus won't come home
My penguins gawn away
My penguins gawn away
took nim to the zoo fer the day
and the fecker wanted to stay
Now my penguins gawn away.
Sing along
My elephant won't come back
(now just the laydees)
My elephant won't come back
(Now the fellers)
Gave him a heffelump snack
and a line of crack
(everybody now)
Now my elephaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant
won't come back. Î
I thank you.I'll be here all week. Enjoy the fish.
(Jake has left the building)
NOT IN LOVE.
How fragile my bashful heart
And so easily mistaken.
Easily misled
More easily forsaken.
So sad my gentle heart.
So quiet and abandoned.
Too strong to be
So brutally, so terribly
Unburdened.
THOSE WHO REMAIN.
You,
In your most perfect sleep,
Left me here
Dull and stupid with sorrow,
Hating the worthlessness
Of every coming tomorrow
And only you,
In your most perfect sleep,
Know the nothingness i fear.
DRINKING MANS LAMENT.
Ours was a lesser love,
A concern of little worth,
Destined to be this passionless
From it's very pallid birth.
An unevolved amoeba.
A single-celled romance.
Sitting by the fire-doors
As the others learn to dance.
We prayed to a lesser God
That one day we'd be free
To love in a larger landscape
and be all we can be.
Ours was a lesser love
But now i can't help thinking.
I might have cherished it much more,
Had i been less busy drinking.
INGENUOUS INGENUITY.
Words a lesser poet writes.
Chosen for obscurity,
For sense with little sense.
Simply for the difference.
In pretence, of ingenuity.
Such vacuous delights.
THE KING OF THINGS UNSAID.
You are the king of things unsaid she said.
You're the prick that's hidden in my bed.
The pain inside my aching head.
The weavil in my daily bread.
The place where my misfortune led.
Where all my good intentions fled.
The teet at which my monsters fed.
The stain on which i monthly bled.
You are the king of things unsaid.
She said.
NIGHT SWIMMING.
In this other world
Starfish bathe in honeyed moon.
Life lowers her ceaseless voice
Quiet in her nightly swoon
Aurora makes a kinder choice.
The wind whispers secrets
Into languid, round-bellied sails.
Murmuring warm and soothing.
Telling all those loved, familiar tales
Gently dreamt and smoothing.
By beautiful degrees
Before remorseless day dawns
A form has slipped into the sea
As the Ocean stirs and yawns
"She" is swimming at night with me.
Oh you kindest of Gods
She is swimming at night with me.
BEASTLY LOVE.
I've loved you like a beaver
I've loved you like a cat
I've loved you like an elephant
I've loved you like a flappy bat
I've loved you like a marmoset
I've loved you like a dawg
I've loved you like a ptarmigan
I've loved you like a slimey frog
I've loved you like an octopus
I've loved you like an orangutan
I've loved you like an eariwig
I've loved you like
An untamed man.
TWADDLE VERSES.
I wandered the glens and braes
In my childhood days
And dreamt of battles and bravehearts
But now i'm old
and ne'er sae bold
I ken when war arrives, honour departs.
Nah that's dreadful.
Let's try again.
amongst the green and purple braes
where timid life cowers
I'd while away my childhood days
And love those blessed hours.
Nah, still rubbish.
in bright and God-kissed light
i lay amongst the heather
And dreamed the day to night
wishing us together.
I dreamed i lived in Idaho
Although
It's a place i do not know
I dreamed i lived in Idaho.
Idaho is lush and green
At least it seems
in my dreams
Idaho is green.
I dreamed i lived in Idaho
Although
It's a place i'll never go
Still
I dreamed i lived in Idaho.
Some flibberty-jibbet soul flutters in the firelight
Caught between temptation and putting up a fight.
Seduction in the shadows of this ever-loving night
The battle to do what's wrong before you do what's right.
Love is not a mystery
It's simple and it's plain
What does not cause you endless joy
Will give you ceaseless pain.
Specktickle girls, spectickle girls
I love you from the top of yer bonce
To your far more private curls
Tiddays the Day.
"If you go down to the woodlands tidday
You're sure of a furry treat.
If you go down to the woodlands tidday
Take lots of fresh nuts to eat.
For all the critters that ever there wuzz
Even ones that don't squeak or buzz
Tidday's the day the critters have their orgy."
THOUGHTLESS.
The empty page looks at me and mocks
A talentless fool who thinks he can write
Every avenue i choose she easily blocks
Deafens my ear and darkens my sight.
DOON BY CALAISBURN.
Doon by Calais Burn
Where aft the numpties gather
To tak' their turn
Wi' drink and drugs and idiotic blather.
Oor hero sits and dreams
Fer dreams are a' he ains
Unhappy as it seems
He'll live, fer a' his pains.
Some Princess stole his easy mind
Broke his spirit and his will
Made his hairt a hollow rind
Bare-alive but living still.
SMELLY GIRL.
The smelly girl in glasses
Turned her face away
So she wouldn't have to look at me
and think of words to say.
Her perfume was a florid cloud
Her ears a vain pretence
Her shades and frosty attitude
A form of self-defence
The smelly girl in glasses
is a little afeared of me
Frightened that a man my age
Might still think sexually.
ASOKA THE CRUEL.
Clad them in molten copper
Let them shreik with laughter then
Will they still find my looks improper
When they're screaming in agonised pain
Build me a chamber for torture
I'll fill it from floor to the ceiling
carpet the ground with pigs ordure
so they'll suffer the torment i'm feeling.
BUM .
Let me climb the ladder in your stockings
rung by rung.
Let me count all your teeth
Just using my innocent tongue.
Let me call you my sweetheart, my lover, my friend.
Let me fondle your b_u_t_tocks whenever you bend.
DENIAL.
I take it back
I don't love you at all
It was just the Summer, just the fall
Just an idea i had
nothing much at all.
I take it back
I wouldn't ever cry for you
It was something hopeful
something i wanted to be true
Just a wish for two.
I take it back
I don't ache to be inside of you.
I never caught the kisses you threw.
Your not the face in every picture i drew.
It just isn't you.
I take it back!
DANCE FOR ME!
Lock all the windows,
Bolt all the doors,
Quarantine every orifice.
Shut up your mouth,
Close both your eyes
And listen to what i am saying.
Do what i utter,
Do what i say,
Do what i do and do this.
Take off your shirt,
Take off your shoes
And dance to the music i'm playing.
FERAL AFFAIR.
In the rising and fall of the half light
In our caravan cave in Clacton.
You'd watch my face for hours.
I'd call you Antoinette and you'd call me Anton.
We were heros with secretive powers.
Though the love that we had was so slight.
In the passing of night to the morning.
In our harbour from all that was real.
You measured me out as a lover.
Showed me the way that you feel.
Under that roof and that cover
Your lips gave a passionate warning.
In the movement of hips on our nest bed.
In our innocent stretch for the truth.
Promises made in the twilight
Surrendered our souls to our youth
Lost our heads beneath that skylight
Uttered that which was better unsaid.
DUMBFOUNDED T DAWGS LAMENT.
It wuzn't me wot ate yer meat.
I never moved from this here seat.
It weren't me, it were the cat.
I'd never do nuffin as bad as that.
I never peed in yer best dress shoes.
I di'n't do no big poo-poos.
I'd never do nuffin like that.
It weren't me, it were the cat.
Di'n't chew through yer video wire,
Di'n't have nuffin to do wit' that fire.
I could never be so mean as that.
It weren't me.
It were the cat!
BIG Girly
She has her own universe.
She has her own gravity.
The sun and the moon are hers
And she's made an asteroid of me.
She has her own border posts.
She has her own demarkation line.
Her circumference is uncharted coasts.
And she's annexed and occupied mine.
WHEN WORDS WON'T WORK
The words that should be said,
Withered, whitened on whisper-lips.
Fell to earth unuttered.
Secrets are saved in the spirals of their DNA.
There are tales of treasure hidden in this bed.
There is hope on the horizon where sunlight dips.
Communication started but sadly stuttered,
And now they speak with nothing left to say.
INVITATION TO VOYAGE
Will you sail with me?
Out beyond the sight of man,
Out upon the feral sea,
Out beyond chart or plan.
Will you sail with me?
DIFFERENT STARS.
Far away on a distant shore,
I tasted loneliness in the salt sea air.
Though my spirit sank lower and lower,
I did not concede to despair.
At night my thoughts travelled to your door,
And took up hopeful residence there.
POETRYS PURPOSE.
A pristine thought so uncorrupted.
A path of reason uninterrupted.
A phrase so beautifully crafted.
No other words suit, once it's drafted.
AN ANCIENT LULLABY
At night the desert sings an ancient lullaby.
Under a gibbous moon a campfire burns.
Below a canvas roof two lovers lie.
Selfish as they are they take their torture in turns.
In turns, in turns, they take their torture in turns.
The stars bless this union of man and mate.
They cling together in fear of seperation.
Hopeful that the unwished for dawn will wait.
Exhausted as they are they make their lovers pledge in perspiration.
In perspiration, in perspiration, they make their lovers pledge in perspiration.
LOVE-STRUCK!
Your Mercedes, sweetheart, swept me off my feet.
Your love left me in the hospital,
Counting my luckier teeth.
My segmented leg thanks you,
for the attention it received.
As for my missing fingers?
Well, i'm sure i had more than i need.
If you hadn't mown me down, darlin',
I never would have met you
And though i'd be a much wholer man,
My life would still be pooh.
Except,
Sweetheart,
The next time you want my attention.
(Though it's presumptious advice i barely dare mention)
Perhaps you could just say hi
and talk about the news?
Rather than counting your kind hello's
In every painful bruise.
After all,
Amour,
Hitting someone with yer big old car,
Is somehow taking flirting just a little bit too far.
P.T. Bar None
Oh Lorraine, my quiche Lorraine
You look a Perfect Treat,
Full of yummy calories
And good enough to eat.
Lorraine, oh my sweet Lorraine,
My French-Canadian dream,
I know you're really health-food
Made with precious cream.
Lorraine, my darling Lorraine,
With all your womanly power.
My living image of Venus
And as tall as the Eiffel Tower.
ENIGMATIC
When sleep will not have me,
I lie restless in my bed.
My woes will not let me be,
(But you my beloved Angel)
Hush the horrors in my head
ONLY JOKING
Only think of this.
My sweetheart and my Nemisis
Occupy one blessed shape.
What a kind and cruel jape.
FAREWELL FORBIDDEN
Put it off till tomorrow.
Let it wait another day.
Keep that thought in abeyance,
While there's other things to say.
Reveal not to me your feelings,
Though they want but for expression.
Say "what a day you've been having"
And stifle your confession.
I shall not hear of past love
And all your present sorrow.
If only you will keep those secrets,
For a happier tomorrow.
If you must bid farewell my darling.
Let it be on a kinder dawn.
Some time when i'm stronger
And can bear to know you're gone.
Though, certain. i should warn you
Such a day may not arrive.
For i find it unlikely i'll stop loving you
As long as i'm alive.
DECEIT.
In the room,lit now
As then by wax and wick.
Where light and love
played it's first-born trick.
Her luscious,
Lying tongue would lick
Till his sweat ran hot
and his blood ran quick.
Under this moon
and under this roof
She offered up lies,
He offered up truth.
She gave him her body
As misleading proof.
Promised an eye for an eye
and a tooth for crooked tooth.
Her heart was a secret
His...indiscreet.
Her lips were a poisonous
source of deceit.
She coupled her lies
to the stains on the sheet.
"I love you, I need you
And i never will cheat!".
EVER ALONE
Alone, ever alone
That word reminds the tears
dammed behind years
of building sea-walls.
Knowing, one small crack
Will bring that monumental edifice
Crumblin and tumbling
Into sand and stone.
I must shore up my defences.
But alone, ever alone
That cruel word betrays me.
What a sorrowful way
to start and end your day.
Alone,
Ever alone.
Bits o poems
You hold your anger so tight
When you're convinced you're right.
I wish you'd let it go
It does you no good at all you know.
Give me sand (lots of sand)
and i'll make a desert.
Give me se lots of se x)
and i'll make love.
Give me land (lots of land)
and i'll build an empire.
Give me fools (lots of fools))
and i'll found a faith.
Ophelia, Ophelia
I love your dark despair.
The feline way you barely seem to care.
Let the whole world gawp and stare.
It means blessed little
to my Ophelia fair.
It gives him such a thrill
To think a girl of 18 shocks
Finds him handsome still.
Eskimo girls, Eskimo girls
I wanna have your babies
I don't even mind if you bite a bit
and maybe give me rabies.
Old age crept into my bones
as i slept away my youth
and all those beautiful lies
were eaten by horrid truth.
I have known love so dark
It swallowed the light from my soul
I have known love so cold
It froze all the hopes of my youth.
A WORD IN YOUR SHELL-LIKE.
You left me
a shell upon the beach.
You struggled so thoughtlessly
beyond my reach.
I wonder
if you wonder at all?
Maybe think
then forget to call?
Here i remain
battered by the tide.
Far too far
distant from your side.
Pick me back up,
put me in your pocket.
Have me polished
and put me in a locket.
I'm just a shell discarded
it's true
But no-one can love you
quite like i do.
UNLOVED and UNWANTED
Never to be desired again
As i was in my youth.
Never again to be happily hoodwinked
'Cause i simply know the truth.
Never to see sleep as an enemy.
Never any less or more lonely
Never, oh never
To be loved as i was.
Never to see naked lust
In youthful, sweetheart eyes.
Never to swallow, unthinkingly
A parcel of obvious lies.
Never to be so terribly wanted
That she declares her soul is haunted
Never oh never
To be loved as i was.
another unfinished poem
I am uncertain of my place in life.
A family man without a wife.
A father in a childless home.
A constant friend but still alone.
FOUL-MOUTHED SEABIRDS.
The Tourettes afflicted seagulls,
Scream abuse as i near the sea.
Dirty little feckers swear worse than smoking Beagles.
And aim in my direction their choice obscenity.
"Feck you, you featherless fecker,
With yer shapeless wings and misplaced pecker.
I'll stick this beak right up yer bum
Then i'll peck yer friggin mum
You vile, obnoxious, human scum."
Seagulls hate people.
It's a fact o life.
Deal with it.
GROWING UP
In the solitude of moments,
I wish upon the moon
and curse my great good fortune
that brought me here too soon
i was destined for much lesser things
i strove and overcame
hark upon my heart-wrung voice
you can do the same.
Take every ounce of courage
expend all your lifes possessions
creep into some lovers arms
and treasure her confessions.
Think for a life-time on love.
Ponder the great unknown.
look back upon your tiny self
and marvel, at how you've grown.
LONESOME DAYS
Catch my incurable disease.
Suffer from my sad malaise.
Dally with my hearts unease,
Then yearn for your lonesome days
JENNY AMOUR.
Jenny amour how sweet your lips.
How gentle the sound of your voice.
You were by far my best,
most wonderful choice.
Jenny amour, the warmth in my bed.
My Christmas present each day.
I love the very damp spot,
Where you languorously lay.
ALL ABOUT THE S EX.
We barely know each other.
Our skins are imtimate friends.
We are enslaved to our naked selves.
But when we speak.
This passion ends.
JEALOUS SEA
The Ocean is jealous of the rivers affair with the land.
The way they kiss so lovingly is more than she can stand.
So she rages at the rocks.Crashes on the cliffs.
Tossing aside mans sailboat toys and flimsy little skiffs.
ORDINARY
Do you think me ordinary?
Do you think me plain?
Perhaps a little quirky
But ultimately sane?
Do you think me common?
Do you think me transparent?
Pure? Unsullied
and hardly ever errant?
DIANA, HUNTRESS OF MY INNOCENCE.
When the daylight sneaks into my room
And falls, light upon your skin.
Finds you weaving,lethargic,on loves loom.
Sweetest
of Dianas kin.
Oh huntress of these bedroom climes,
I am your willing prey.
Catch me with your unkempt rhymes
and have your wicked way.
Tether me to this island bed
With words and silken thongs.
Starve my heart
while it's well-fed
Don't limit to rights.
Do wrongs.
Blindfold your lover, under this cover,
Fire up your favourite toy.
Make a man of what was once
A shrinking little boy.
Take me places i'm too scared to go
Teach me things i really oughtn't know.
Make my intumescence, positively grow.
Make me squawk like a fricken crow.
Diana, sweet Diana.
I know you have plans for that banana.
FAITHLESS.
And so i sing along
To every lovely song
And wonder if her heart is breaking too?
Every sad old tune,
Reminds me, all too soon,
I'll count the cost of being so untrue.
Lonesome is my fate,
For remembering too late,
All i ever truely wanted was you.
SHARON KNOWS
Sharon knows
We are all of the sun or the moon.
We are all playthings of the tides.
It is not emotion but gravity that makes us swoon.
The weather and the way we are simply co-incide.
We are (one and all) facsimiles of another,
Each one claiming their origonal sin.
But in truth, one is sister, one is brother.
Where one family ends a new one will begin.
God was invented to ease a childs tears.
Religion casts a shadow on the soul of man.
Jesus died on the cross to assuage mens fears.
Nothing does as much evil as idiot beleif can.
Sometimes love is neither kind nor gentle
There are places were thought cannot safely travel.
Logic and reason are not sentimental.
There are times when we all might simply unravel.
Words can cut much deeper than any knife.
The wound that's left may never heal.
We're commanded by our emotional life.
What we think is always slave to what we feel.
Beauty is not always easy on the eye.
Horror may have the face of Appollo.
The truth can be deceiving as a lie.
Eat till you're full, for hunger may follow.
She knows too much and not enough
The universe is made of Math's
Seas while seeming calm can suddenly turn rough
Time on earth is measured in laughs.
Sharon knows.
LOVE ME BECAUSE.
Throw your kisses on the fire.
Let love be judged and measured.
See what your smile inspires.
Each uttered word so treasured.
Catch me like the Asian flu.
Fear this heart-born infection.
Listen.
Every word is true.
You are my only object of affection.
Love me!
Because i love you.
ABSENT-MINDED LOVE
I forgot how to love you. I woke up one morning and it was gone.
The certainty, The surety, The guarantee.
No longer able to remember the words to an over-familiar song.
I forgot how to love you.
I'm lost, miserable, forlorn.
Where once you filled me completely,
Now I find, hollowness, emptyness, vacancy.
I forgot how to love you.
ALWAYS ON THE LIST
. .
The one thing I neglect,
The one thing I always forget.
No doubt it would end my sorrow,
So I must remember it tomorrow.
It's not like it's even small,
You'd think I couldn't miss it at all.
Every day returning empty-handed,
Forgetting what my heart demanded.
I'm sure one day I will acquire,
The one thing I truly desire.
I hope, dear reader, you get the gist,
Of, what is always on my list.
AFTERGLOW
Friction burned
and achey-backed
Yawning-tired
and empty sacked.
Dissipated
Sated
Used and abused.
You had your way with me.
Sleepy-eyed
and tousled hair
Unclad, naked
and utterly bare.
Unsuitable
but beautiful.
Sweet treat.
You found me full
and left me empty.
ARBOREAL EMOTIONS.
I am a tree, and when you touch me,
my human ,
it does horrible things to me.
Infects my bark, pollutes my sap
and for a decade I’m dizzy.
I am a tree, and you my human ,
are the wrong species for me.
Perhaps a lovely shrub or even a little Anemone,
Would be a passing comfort to me.
A little bird to roost snugly in my arms,
Has its undoubted charms.
But you my human ,
you are the wrong species for me.
Yet I yearn, over the century, so much for your company.
Though you, my human ,
are the wrong species for me.
BETTER TO GIVE.
I gave you a promise and a ring.
You gave me an itchy rash.
I gave you a big chocolate "thing".
You gave me the lash.
I gave you a nice new home.
You hoiked me out before the paint had dried.
I gave you a silver brush and a silver comb.
You gave me back my fish-fried
.
I gave you encouragement and optimism.
You gave me mockery and derision.
I gave you the future in a pretty vision.
You gave me a bloody big heart-shaped incision.
I gave you a car and a
You gave me a thank you note
I gave you a lucrative divorce
You laughed at the poetry I wrote.
I gave you diamonds and gold.
You gave me second-hand cake.
I gave you the profit from the soul that I sold.
You called me Jack but my name is Jake.
I gave you laughter and smiles.
You gave me grimaces and gurns.
I gave you forbearance measured in miles.
You gave me a winkler that burns.
I gave you unconditional love.
You gave me the instructions for the washing machine.
I gave you all I could reach, below and above.
You gave me a todger that's slowly turning green.
I gave you wisdom and sagacity.
You gave me the horoscope from the "Sun".
I gave you innocence and simplicity.
You gave me little joy and even less fun.
I gave you romance and passion.
You gave me boredom and tedium.
I gave you the latest fashion.
You gave me perfumed odium.
I gave you chips and crispy duck.
You gave me an opener and a tin of cat food.
I gave you bracelets and charms for good luck.
You gave me a coat with a ginormous hood.
I gave you lessons in English and Maths.
You gave me a course of Penicillin.
I helped you comprehend algebra and graphs.
You gave me a pie without the filling.
I gave you the beautiful words in my head.
You gave me the voice of the gutter.
I gave you the Sunday papers and brekkie in bed.
You gave me a twitch and a st-st-stutter.
I gave you all my attention
You gave me a nod and half a smile.
I gave you things I barely dare to mention.
You said my suggestions were vile.
I gave you my place in the sun,
You gave me extremely subdued lighting.
I filled your oven with a beautiful bun.
You said, you wished I’d stop writing!
CHRIS.
Chris is an adventurer.
Discovery is what his life is for.
Chris sees mystery in things life simply explains
Miracles are in every riddle that remains.
Chris's countenance is noble and brave.
There's not a damsel he wouldn't save.
Chris is forbearing and never complains
He suffers in silence all life’s' pains.
Chris is hopeful and optimistic.
No clouds of gloom will ever stick.
Chris is my hero but he's no handsome hunk.
Chris is a beautiful, furry-faced, white Chipmunk.
EAT, SLEEP, DREAM
She takes a rhyme
and tosses it ear to ear,
Juggling the words till the meaning comes clear.
She eats alphabetti spaghetti before she goes to bed
So when she wakes in the night,
there's poetry running through her head.
She lives her life in rhythm and rhyme,
Tries to make her whole life scan,
And it rankles her endlessly,
the asymmetrical nature of man.
She wants the world to be a poem
Not some vulgar piece of prose
And the fact that it isn't,
really gets up her nose.
HAVING HAVE HAD.
Having chosen the path of least resistance.
Having taken the road most traveled.
Having only heard the voice of most insistence.
Having seen all my mysteries unraveled.
I have lived a life of predictability.
I have lacked in talent and ability.
I have rested on what laurels I had.
Always last to follow the latest fad.
Had I chosen differently.
Had I chosen recklessly.
Had I only been able to see.
Safe, isn't how life is meant to be.
HOPELESS ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS.
Don't think, don’t ponder, don’t contemplate,
Don't find things to complicate.
Don't chase the moon or the stars.
Be content with the way things are.
Don't pine, don’t long, don’t yearn.
Don't hope for things you cannot earn.
Don't take risks, trust to luck or chance.
And don't even try to dance.
Don't strive for beauty, be happy with pretty.
Don't be a star, be a celebrity.
Don't try to compensate for things you lack.
Don't love anything that won't love you back.
JACKIE ANN LASHBROOK.
She shares a poetry page with me,
She shares my name.
She writes in a different style to me,
But, pretty much, the sentiment's the same.
I wonder how old she is?
Could be , mother, sister, twin?
I wonder how tall she is?
Could be ginormous, fat as a bus, stick-insect thin.
What does she do with her time?
Does she have family or is she alone?
Is she planning the perfect crime?
Does she talk dirty on her telephone?
Is she a temptress or is she a mouse?
Is she some kind of right-wing nutter?
Is she an adventuress or bound to her house?
Does she prefer margarine to butter?
Is she all dots where I am dashes?
Is she an enigma or plain as paper?
Does she have incredibly long eyelashes?
If we met would I like her?
Is she a duchess or dowager?
Does she drive a big old truck?
Does she have lots of facial hair?
Does she believe in luck?
Is she my ally or my Nemesis?
Does she recognise the "Poets bond",
Will she know where I’m going with this?
And will she reply and respond?
LIMPET LOVE.
Shackled to you,
You know I am.
And you couldn't care less.
Your biddable slave
you know I am,
Just another dolly for you to dress.
Easily you take me,
Easier still, you leave
And I have no say.
One way or another,
you're not really bothered
whether you go or you stay.
Tethered to you,
you know I am.
Should I live or die,
you won't bat an eye.
Stuck with super-glue,
that's me to you.
Your loving, longing, limpet.
LUCIA'S LAMENT.
Lucia longs for love, (like I do).
She yearns for serenity.
She sees dark clouds on sunshine days.
She dismisses, offhand, serendipity.
Lucia sleeps alone (like I do).
She hopes for redemption.
She sees sorrow in every smile.
She calls love, delusion.
Lucia wishes for tranquility (like I do).
She's immersed in cynicism.
Romance is her deadly enemy.
Her closest ally, pessimism.
MATHEMATICAL LOVE.
I have proven
by algebraic calculation.
Should you and I,
simply disregard pi
X and Y
Equals elation
I'll disprove
E=MC squared
if the result is you and me paired.
I'll turn the world of math's
right on its over-sized head
If it means I and you
end up in my bed.
MY RASH DECISION.
You are the irritation just below my skin.
The odd sense of failure whenever I win.
You're high maintenance and low return.
You are the lesson I never learn.
You are the "special" in "special needs".
The destination where all roads lead.
You're all the wrong things I’ve desired.
You are prose when poetry is required.
PERFECTLY NICE.(Amy’s' poem)
From bud to blossom I’ve watched you grow.
I've tried to pass on a little I know.
You've been a joy in my darker days,
A solace in many, many ways.
You've been Jim Hawkins to my Ben Gunn.
I'm your Friday, you're my Robinson.
And though it's no surprise,
(with your beautiful, gentle eyes)
You've gone from chubby grub to butterfly.
I wish I could take some credit for your loveliness
But it's all your own doing, more or less.
So here's one more piece of paternal advice.
Always be what you are, Perfectly nice.
PUTNEY BRIDGE TEARS.
Crying on Putney Bridge.
Owls hoot along the Thames,
On the water are sparkly gems,
And she's as cold as a fridge.
Shrugging and removing her coat
Better to feel the cold
16 and already much too old
She'd like to dive in and just float.
Thoughts like ravens in the Tower
Pecking at her last reserves.
Hanging on for one more hour
Hoping for what she deserves.
Drunken song along the bank.
She tries to catch the words.
Stumbling along to a taxi rank.
The stench of vomit among the needles and condoms and turds
Pockets empty as a bankers heart.
She promises the driver a tip.
He calls her "a dirty little tart".
Knowing shy smile she bites her lip.
Bobbing her head she pays her fare.
Her stomach turns as she swallows hard.
Dreaming herself some-other-where.
Away from this bucket of lard.
She wanders, numbly, through the station,
Feeling quite lost and alone,
Searching the boards for inspiration,
She suddenly thinks of home.
Now it seems not so bad.
The place from where she fled.
Her uptight mother, her work-shy dad.
She wants to return to that life she led.
Boarding the train she sits in "First class",
Knowing only too well, where best to sell her \bass\b.
Just one more trick to take her home.
Back to the delights of Ilfracombe.
SIREN SONG TO SUZANNE.
Call me to you.
Lift your head and say my name.
Borrow a megaphone and wake the town.
Dub me your Prince and give me a crown.
Curse the day you met me, for breaking your heart,
and so easily mending the harm.
Call me beloved. The epitome of charm.
Call me sweetheart. Call me amour.
Say I’m a disease you have for which there is no cure.
Say my name out loud. Like it's never been said.
Say it till it slips,
moist,
into the mattress of your bed.
Say you love me utterly and really mean those words.
Say my voice is prettier than the singing of the birds.
Say you love me! Say you love me!!Damn it! Say it!!
SKIPPER.
I shared his joy.
Stubby, manic tail flicking above yellow waves of wheat.
Each summer morning, door-waiting, desperate for another day to greet.
Furry ball of happiness, adventure-bound.
My much missed, much loved, childhood hound.
SMALL FISH.
When I first caught my sweetheart,
She was a guppy, an elver, a stickleback.
And being too small
I threw her back.
Now.
Now she's a rainbow trout,
A sexy salmon, a dish of a fish.
And I,
Moral-boned idiot,
I threw her back!
UN-ANCHORED LOVE.
Love is not fixed,
anchored like a tall ship in a bay.
It infinitely changes day to day
And is as varied in flavour as ice-cream.
Sometimes it's bitter-lime and green
Sometimes sugary-lemon sweet
Others, a passionate strawberry treat.
Even vanilla-plain has its day.
Every conceivable confectionary
will fill your heart some day.
But no matter how you might pray
For unchanged diet and constancy,
Love is never, ever "the same".
UNCHARTED LOVER.
She wore little more than a Freudian slip
'round her slender waist a golden belt
Adorned with a butterfly on each hip.
She had wonderous, sparkling eyes of green
And few places on her body where a man hadn't been,
But she was unexplored to me,
A tropical, mystery-filled desert isle.
I yearned to surround her like the sea
And chart each part, every glorious mile.
I'm Columbus, DeGama, Livingstone.
I want to take her traveling
Just to bring her home.
UNFINISHED
I did not surrender I was captured,
But if I’m your prisoner, you are mine.
Bewitched, charmed, enraptured,
Your love broke my line.
I was not missing I was lost,
But if you found me, I found you.
Neither of us thought to count the cost,
Now we're imprisoned, What can we do?
I was neither drowning nor waving,
When you dived in to rescue me.
I really didn't need saving.
It was futile, don't you see?
UNLOVED DWARF.
In your presence
quiet is warm,
Comfortable.
In your absence
your silence
punishes.
By your side
I am inspired.
Alone,
I am utterly undesired.
By your side
I'm tall and lithe.
Away from you
I'm under-sized.
Your neglect
Diminishes me.
Come home sweetheart
and make me, Me!
WIMMEN!
For you I altered, re-arranged.
New friends made,
old estranged.
I thinned, I perfumed, I groomed.
With all your wants
I was consumed.
For you I improved, I studied.
Your enemy’s noses I bloodied.
For you I smiled, I wept.
All desire, for you I kept.
I kept myself complete for you
and what exactly did you do?
Ran off with some fat, prat!
WISHING FOR SPRING.
Oh to be thin again,
now that Spring is here.
Oh to be lithe and loverly
Slender, slim, unblubbery.
Oh to be gorgeous
before the summer flowers.
Without the need to exercise
for absolutely hours.
Oh to be miraculously muscled
Beautifully toned and buffed,
Sexily smooth-skinned
and fashionably roughed.
Oh to be desirable
Now that Spring is here.
TEN THINGS.(For Josephine)
Name me ten things you'd like to eat.
Chocolate, fudge, octopussy.
Little piggy-wiggies feet?
Name me ten celeb's you'd like to meet.
The Queen, the Pope, good ole Brucey,
Little pillock, Andre- Pete.
Name me ten places you'd like to go.
Anywhere that's not here,
Anywhere there's sunshine.....or snow.
Name me ten things you'd like to know.
Why sometimes things so far away seem so near,
Sometimes driving fast still feels slow.
Name me ten things that make you laugh.
Posh's fashion sense, Beckham's chameleon hair.
Ducks and frogs in your bath.
Name me ten records to play on the phonograph.
"It's a long way from here to Clare"
The Who, the Stones, Van der graph?
Name me ten things you’d like to do.
Cross the Sahara on horseback.
Ride your bike to Timbuctoo.
(Have lots of pets and tame a shrew)
Name me ten things you’d like to eschew.
Things you say and can’t take back
Having to use a public loo.
Name me ten reasons I love you.
The way you giggle ,goggle, smile.
The things you say, the things you do.
Name me ten things you know are true.
Big brother contestants are always vile.
Stinky cheese smells like pooh.
Name me ten reasons I really love you.
‘Cause ten times, ten times, ten
I DO!
BIG AMY'S BIRTHDAY POEM.
Prime-time Princess, walk out in the world,
Mingle in the crowd.
Have your straight hair curled.
Do all that’s legally allowed.
fall in and out of love.
Sail out beyond the shore.
Search for treasure, below and above.
Open every window and every door.
be free of all life’s woes,
But bound to earth by family ties.
Smile a lot and don’t pick your nose.
Don’t tell secrets and don’t tell lies.
be just as happy as you can.
Take and hold, the joy you acquire.
Remember there’s always, always, another man.
And don’t be a slave to your own desire.
BAD POETRY.
my thoughts,
Put them on your dinner plate.
Sell them off in separate lots.
Open my mind and leave it to fate.
Empty out the dark and the light.
Say it all out loud.
Don’t discriminate wrong from right.
Every belief and bigotry allowed.
Every childish, naïve notion.
(Climb beyond the well-known hills.)
Fill each line with mock emotion.
Immortalise your petty ills.
Have a drink. Pop a pill.
Elucidate something deeply trivial.
Find something precious to kill.
Say you can’t but I know you will.
Find something precious to kill!
MOTHERS MONSTER.
A thumping on the stairs.
A pounding in the hall.
Suddenly music blares.
(“Pink” I think)
But I couldn’t be sure at all.
I lie atrembling in my bed,
As the kitchen kettle switches on.
Preparing myself, in my head,
To be horribly leapt upon.
Silly, but I think of the things I should have cleaned.
All the tasks I left undone.
Then I’m smothered by my own Josey Fiend,
Calling me “her loverly mum”.
Monsters should be malicious.
Demons aren’t supposed to be sweet,
But mine can be delicious,
A wickedly naughty, mischievous treat.
Nose hair plucked, moustache trimmed.
Boots polished, jodhpurs cleaned.
Hair all primped and primmed.
My adorable little Josey Fiend.
Some Angels come in odd disguises.
Some keep thier sweet heart secret.
Some come with hidden prizes.
Some haven't quite flowered yet.
My monster manages me.
She copes with my hard times.
Her affection is the picture of constancy.
Whatever i am, she rhymes.
I wouldn't part with my monster for money.
Unless it was more than fifty p.
She's my sweetest, honey-bunny.
And precious as chocolate to me.
RUDE POEM.
Move closer and grab a cuddle.
Squeeze my bum and squeal.
Get confused, get in a muddle.
Choose another part of me to feel.
Let all your inhibitions melt.
Remove all your matrons’ attire.
Put on your tiniest skirt (or just a belt)
And tell me your rudest desires.
Purr for me pussycat,
Hiss and scratch and bite.
Squeak and say you are my lap-rat.
Do what you know is wrong (‘cause it feels so right!)
TATOOED FOR LOVE.
Inked her name on a friendly skin.
Laid claim to a new possession.
Victory when her hopes were thin.
Ensured the monogomous line of succession.
Her name should make his spine tingle.
He must love her right down to the bone.
She must never, ever be single.
She will not, she cannot, be alone.
SHE IS NOT WAS!
She is beaver honey.
She is pussycat milk.
She is monopoly money.
She is man-made silk.
She's not a genuine antique.
She's not my one true love.
She's not the mountain's peak.
She's not my matching glove.
She was this season's fashion.
She was a passing fad.
She was a momentary passion.
She was,
What made me,
Glad.
HER HAND.
Sorrow in the parting of her lips.
The tongue that licked my tongue.
Departed, my hand from her hips.
Silenced, the song that we sung.
I cannot let go of her hand.
My mind is still holding it now.
Like i'm facing some final demand.
I shan't pay.I don't know how.
I cannot let go of her hand
Her heart is long grown cold
And her smile no longer welcomes.
Ownership may change. She remains unsold.
She has lived in all of my homes.
Oh i cannot let go of her hand.
LAS PALABRES CAEN. (Words fall)
Las palabras caen.
Como piedras en el mar.
A lo lejos de usted a mí.
En el tiempo que lo toma para llorar.
Del nacimiento hasta que usted muera.
Las palabras caen.
Como el padre de días, la noche.
En bellezas amada vista.
En todo que está equivocado o correcto.
De la ignorancia oscurecida a la luz instruida.
Las palabras caen.
LES MOTS TOMBENT. (Words fall)
Les mots tombent.
Comme les pierres dans la mer.
Au loin de vous à moi.
Dans le temps qu'il prend pour pleurer.
De la naissance jusqu'à ce que vous mourez.
Les mots tombent.
Comme le parent de jours, la nuit.
Dans beautés bien-aimées aperçoit.
Dans tout qu'a tort ou bon.
De l'ignorance assombrie à savoir allume.
Les mots tombent.
NEW VISTA
I want a new perspective,
Some clearer point of view.
Wanna swap all my false Gods
For something wholly new.
Wanna eradicate my prejudice,
And the place from where it grew.
Wanna slough all the lies i've been wearing
And only don what's true.
HAPPY IN LOVE.
Happy in the dark, warm hours.
Happy though they know not why.
Happy 'mongst the shadowed bowers.
Happy is the lovers sigh.
FIRST TIMES.
She is stuck onto his body
Adhered by perspiration.
Movement causes rude eruptions
From in between their skins.
Announcing to the world
A lovers declaration.
This sodden, sweat-soaked bed
Is where this love begins.
POSITIVELY IN LOVE.
She is my positive thought.
She is my souls redemption.
What good-intentioned prayers brought,
My Heaven's gate exemption.
She is my unexpired hope.
She's atop my every list.
A problem with which i can cope.
The salve for my aching wrist.
She is my own Britney Spears.
My scarey Mariah Carey.
She's my racing bike with 28 gears.
A dangerous beast 'round which i'm unwary.
She's in every love song that i write.
She's all the sins i confess.
My comfort in the middle of the night.
The great good fortune that i bless.
TOUCHY TOUCHY..
I want to touch you where you've never been touched.
Bulgaria, or somewheres in that area?
I wanna be the favourite thing you ever clutched.
Love is such a leap but loving me is scarier.
DON'T CONFORM TO NON-CONFORMITY.(quit gazing at yer navel)
Never be different for the sake of being different.
Never be the same just to be the same.
Never swallow an idea like an abortifacient.
Never strip away yer idiosyncrasies to see what will remain.
EACH MAN FINDS HIS MOTHER.
The UmbilicalChord is never cut
It is simply grafted from one female to another
And so the nurture of man continues,But
Sometimes the host rejects,
The pre-ordained role
Of
Mother.
HER HESITANT VICTIM.
I am reluctantly in love
I resisted the urge to surrender
And the one who won my heart
Was the unlikeliest contender.
Five foot tall & built like a girl
She beat me senseless with ease.
Flipped my emotions to a gentle whirl
She does with me what she will please.
NUT CRUNCH?
You and i don't suit,
We are inappropriate.
We stradle, so precarious.
The line of love and hate.
And when, one day we topple,
Which side will it be?
Your hand upon my testicles
Or will it be your knee?
PRIMUS AMOUREUSE.
Ah ken't it in ma napper
Thon bonny lass sae fine,
Was never gonnae be
The first and last o' mine.
Though i ken't sae much
I ken't sae little too,
And efter a' these years
She's ben ma heart still noo.
A' other lasses came and went.
Nae ither maids did tarry
Except thon one i promised to
But never took tae marry
KISSYS
I counted all the kisses you gave me.
More than 7 and less than i million and five.
And each and every one of them
Made me glad to be alive.
HOT DAWG! HOT DAWG! GET YER HOT DAWG HERE!
!
I'm bulk-sized buying.
I'm an economy pack o' man.
Others you may not afford.
Me, you most certainly can.
Not so easy on the eye
But easy on the wallet.
A generous man-sized bargain
Whichever way you call it.
42 and growing.
Your rotund Romeo.
I may not be a salmon mousse
But i am your, "Dawg to go"!
LITTLE BALLERINA?
My little ballerina is a dancing pig.
She's a painted potato in a dreadful wig.
She's advertised as medium but really awful big.
Doesn't give good lurvin'.Doesn't give a frig.
My little ballerina is a dancing pig.
PRINCESS IN THE TOWER.
At a window, in a tower, is an angry face.
"men, bloody men!That primitive race.
Without them the world would be a gentler place.
Full of understanding empathy and charitable grace".
Ransommed for the riches she is certain to bring.
Sister to the princes, of the King.
She has all the regal attributes of which the minstrels sing.
Guardian of the most precious, imperial ring.
Her many suitors will fight to win her back.
Will turn upon each other , with no enemy to attack.
Place innocents and unlucky upon the torture rack,
In pursuit of the intelligence they so obviously lack.
DADDY!
I am beautiful and profoundly desired.
I am \bsexo?\b on a stick.
with an interesting prick.
I'm all the masculinity you required.
I am Atlas, i'm a mountain.
I am livin', breathin',
Lovin' and squeezin'.
I'm the source of yer sexual fountain.
I'm the errant toy in yer bath foam.
I'm yer fantasy figure.
I'm a well-hung nigger.
Get NEKKID momma cos daddy's home.
LOVE LEFT ME ALONE.
All my idiot hopes denied by unforeseeable circumstance,
Kissed by the doom-laden lips of fate.
As my lonely soul searched for romance.
It always found love too late.
Always last to arrive at the party.
My eyes meet departing eyes.
Waved goodbye to my hearts liberty.
Discovered too late
As usual
Time isn't all that flies.
pissED ON AND OFF.
Love snuck up on me,
Cloaked and surreptitiously.
Knocked me down intentionally.
Positioned itself over me.
Exposed it's bits
And took a pee.
FUN HAS A NAME.
Where do i start to impart all that thou art?
Laughter on a seal-grey day.
The sound of a well-brewed fart.
A notion too naughty to say.
A fiesty dwarf with a big ole heart.
A smile in yer pocket, a joke to convey.
Beautifully educated, wonderously smart.
An all you can eat buffet.
Fun has a name
and it's name is Jane.
DON'T WORRY.
Dinnae fesh yer heed hen.
Dinnae grapple yer kecks in a knot.
It disnae matter noo or then
A' the baubles and bits that you've got.
Moulah's nae the answer to happiness
Possessions will no bring content
A' yer wealth winnae bring belovedness
Nae property will ca' yea
Heaven-sent.
DOLLOP OF LOVE.
How corpulent is my love.
Such a fat and cumbersome thing.
My slug-a-bed romance
Snoozing quiet and always abiding.
How lazy is my love.
Such a cat among the cushions.
Its length and depth and breadth
Of incalculable dimensions.
THE INTRODUCTION.
I said your name out loud
I liked the way it sounded
I liked the taste upon my tongue
Being with you made me proud
Your love had me confounded
Enamoured by the way, affection so simply begun.
A smile.
A smile and a name.
Started this.
Started this wonderful game.
33 YEARS AND COUNTING.
33 years and counting
my oak-aged lover.
We've had our ups and downs
but always we recover.
33 years and counting
My -desired sweetheart.
When we think it's over
We're really just back at the start.
33 years and counting.
WORDS FALL.
Words fall.
Like stones into the sea.
In the distance from you to me.
In the time it takes to cry.
From birth until you die.
Words fall.
Like the days parent, night.
In beautys' beloved sight.
In all that's wrong or right.
From darkened ignorance to knowing light.
Words fall.
BIGOT.
The snail of your thoughts
Slithers to it's sad demise.
Wether you like it or not
What you beleive are just lies.
No purpose to reasoned debate.
No worthy point will sway you.
You're much too in love with your hate
To let honesty ever betray you.
UNHAPPY IN LOVE.
Being with you makes me lonely.
Sharing this bed makes me sad.
Makes me wish "If only",
I'd kept hold of the love that i had.
PYRUS COMMUNIS.
In her, dark eyes are promises.
Unsaid words are in her kisses.
Under pear tree shade among the Comices.
Love's the word for just what this is.
HUH?
Beloved in these naked hours.
Between the sheets and the twilight.
Hidden where loves' monster cowers.
The gravitational pull of delight.
EVERYTHING BUT YOU.
I have the moon in my tummy and the stars in my eyes.
Got the breasts of the mountains.Got the seas' thickened thighs.
Got every day in history
and days before that too.
Got a multitude of playmates
but all i want is you.
I have the fevered dreams of artists
I have where-ever it is your heart is.
Got everything to satiate my ever-growing greed.
But you and i both know, i ain't got what i need.
I have all the wishes in index files.
I have childrens laughter and babies smiles.
Got everything. You know it's true.
Everything
excepting You!
A LITTLE MELANCHOLY POEM.
Unexpressed, my love.
All the Angels think me lonely.
Unexplored, my love.
They kiss my brow affectionately.
Under-nourished, my love.
Those Angels hold me closely.
Unvalued, my love.
They mock at me exquisitely.
Unexpressed.
My love.
AN UNLOSEABLE GAME.
In candle-light i see her form.
In shadows she rises and falls.
Beloved in this blessed dorm'.
The masculine urge of nature calls.
Touches, on the point of pressure,
Whispered breath upon my skin.
Pleasure given, returned in pleasure.
A race in which we both shall win.
-----OLD FLAMES-----
All my old flames are burning still.
They flicker in a past i don't recall.
All the pictures on my window sill,
Of a time i know, not at all.
ARCS AND CURVES.
All the arcs and curves of her.
All the mounds and hollows.
Set my blood astir, astir
And what most naturally follows.
AUTUMNAL THOUGHTS.
When Autumn surrenders her ruby lips
to Winters cold embrace.
I sit by the fire and think of you,
and long to see your face.
UNDENIABLY IN LOVE.
My love is undeniable!
Like hope
Like the tides.
Like the stars and the sun.
(in whom the moon confides)
where-ever is my love,
There is where my heart resides.
My love is unbreakable!
Like a promise
Like courage.
Like the inevitable coming of age
(we cannot hide nor camouflage)
where-ever is my love,
lies my safe harborage.
HARLEY, ALISON, JASMINE HINDHALF.
You are my idiosyncrasies writ large and loopy.
You are Charlie Brown and i am Snoopy.
You're always talking in the class.
Yer a feller with a shapely \bass\b.
You're the laughter to my life's soundtrack.
You're the supplement fer what the others lack.
OOO (and i know it's contrived) but, incidentally,
You're dick Dastardly and i am Mutley.
You are a rhyme that actually fits.
you're lots o' bobs and other bits.
(see! You thought i would rhyme with tits)
I'd say you were a longed for letter,
But really you are so much better.
You are all my childish games.
You're a funny voice with funny names.
You're chicken stew and i'm a dumpling.
I'm rough diamonds, you are Bling.
You're all the words i want to sing.
Let's face it mate (i
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