~A Cat, A Dog, And A Fire Truck ~
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Posted:Jan 18, 2008 10:30 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2008 11:13 pm 3796 Views
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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Puppy Size
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Posted:Jan 18, 2008 10:18 am
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2008 12:14 am 3704 Views
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This is one of the neatest stories I've ever heard. You will know
precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end!
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to
this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks
now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.
"Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office.
"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle
said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's
always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't
worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her.
They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning.
By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages.
There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one."
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The
volunteer opened the cage door and the carefully picked up the and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"
"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last
few weeks," Mom said.
"No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.
"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the , she did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you
sigh.
I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be
surprised at what you hear. "Life is not measured by the
breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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Natural Woman
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2008 5:43 pm 3793 Views
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I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"
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But It's My Deer
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 1:10 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2008 6:27 pm 3317 Views
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It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going
hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to
take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree
stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come
running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his
face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards
his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!”
followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says,
“Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
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Is Your Computer a Male or Female
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 1:04 pm
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2008 6:27 pm 3666 Views
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As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g.,
"Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a
group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be
referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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One Of Us
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Posted:Jan 12, 2008 11:31 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2008 6:27 pm 3562 Views
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This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
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Are You A Reason, A Season, Or A Lifetime?
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Posted:Jan 12, 2008 9:38 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2008 6:26 pm 3942 Views
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Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was posted for you! People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON. It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
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Death During Sex
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Posted:Jan 10, 2008 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 9:25 am 3745 Views
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Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
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Are You: In Love, Lust or Married?
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Posted:Jan 9, 2008 7:45 pm
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2008 12:07 pm 3703 Views
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LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?
LOVE......................when you argue over how many to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.
LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?
LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your 's game starts.
LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.
LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.
LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.
LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.
LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.
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50/50
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Posted:Jan 9, 2008 1:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2008 10:56 am 3494 Views
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While this is a joke to me it shows that sharing is the way to make a marriage last.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We're old. This is plenty for us. Besides, we've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat her share, and she replied, "Not yet. This time he gets the first turn with the teeth."
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