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Pranks To Do In The Office 4/28/2005
1) Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's
computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature.
This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user
into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace
the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!"
They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
<br>
2) Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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Marketing 4/28/2005
The optimist says, "The glass is half full."
<br>
The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
<br>
The marketing consultant says, "Your glass needs
re-sizing."
0 Comments, 77 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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The Perils of Late Life Births - The New Baby 4/28/2005
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old
woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
<br>
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"
one asked. "Not yet, " said the mother. "I'll
make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
<br>
Thirty minutes had passed, and another ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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Polly Want a WHAT? 4/28/2005
Okay, please excuse me for this one, but it's so FUNNY!!!
<br>
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing." <br>
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
<br>
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?'" <br>
...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Creation 4/28/2005
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually Michael, the archangel found
him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where
have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction
and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look
Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's
a planet, " ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
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You've Got Mail! 4/28/2005
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the
house. A little later she came out of her house again went
to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting
ready to edge the lawn, she ...
0 Comments, 132 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER! 4/28/2005
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
<br>
2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
<br>
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
<br>
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to
keep up with me. Good job!
<br>
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
<br>
6. I thought you had to be in ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Blonde Kidnapper 4/28/2005
A blonde was having financial difficulties and decides
that she has to take some serious action, so she goes to the
park and kidnaps a young boy and writes a ransom note, "I
have kidnapped your . Leave $10, 000 behind the old
elm tree and your will come to no harm", she pins
the note inside the boys jacket and sends him home.
<br>
Next day sure enough there was $10, 000 behind the ...
0 Comments, 177 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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Things Women say at work 4/28/2005
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make up
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent
lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have ...
0 Comments, 122 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Athiest and the Bear 4/28/2005
What powerful rivers!!! What beautiful animals!!!"
he said to
himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard
a
rustling in the bushes behind him.
<br>
He turned to look. He saw a 7 ft. grizzly charge towards him.
<br>
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over
his
...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Mother Nature 4/28/2005
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into
the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing
just about
every buttercup in the patch.
<br>
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke,
a little old woman appeared.
<br>
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how
long ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Growing Wild 4/28/2005
An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and
jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the
mirror, admiring
his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with
the exception
of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
<br>
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried
himself in the
sand, except for his penis, ...
0 Comments, 141 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Should you be Institutionalized? 4/28/2005
During a visit to the mental asylum, Mr. Douste-Blazy,
Director of
Health, asked the director what the criteria are that
define a patient to
be institutionalized.
"Well, " said the director, "we fill
up a bath tub, we offer a
teaspoon and a tea cup to the patient, and we ask the patient
to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand, " said the director, "a
normal person would
...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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A WOMAN WHO READS 4/28/2005
One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read
her book.
<br>
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What
are you doing?"
<br>
...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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-OF-A 4/28/2005
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two
in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, "Is that a of a beech or a of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands
on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you
are a ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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UNTIL DEATH SEPARE US 4/27/2005
Treatment is treatment
More than half century of total harmony in that marriage.
Then he dies and, it is not long a lot, she is also going to
the sky.
There she finds the husband and she runs until him:
- Oh dear....That good to meet again you.
- It doesn't not come, gosh! The treatment was:
"Until that ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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DEPUTIES OF THERE... 4/27/2005
The English deputies, in the Mother of the Parliaments,
1. They don't have right place where to sit down in the
Camera of the Common ones;
2. they don't have offices, they neither have secretaries
nor automobiles,
3. they don't have residence (they pay for yours in
London or in the
provinces);
4. they don't have free airplane passage, except ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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A WALK IN THE PARK 4/26/2005
D. Beatriz, organist in a church, is 80 years old and single.
It was admired by all by her sympathy and sweetness.
One afternoon, it invited the new priest of the church go
have a snack her house.
He was seating in the sofa, while she went to prepare a tea.
Looking upward of the organ, the youth priest repaired
in a glass jar with
water and, there inside, it ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Little Old Lady in Court 4/25/2005
Defence Solicitor: Will you please state your age?
<br>
Little old lady: I am 86 years old
<br>
Defence Solicitor: Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night o April 1st?
<br>
Little old lady: There i was, sitting on the garden seat
at the side of my house on a warm spring evening, when a young
man came creeping up and sat down beside me.
...
0 Comments, 147 Views,
11 Votes
,5.22 Score
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FAST MAINTENANCE 4/25/2005
In a room of a great hospital they are about 20 patient in
serious state, that one find submitted to the machine for
artificial breathing.
An electrician was making a service in this hospital and
then, he entered in this unit room, saying:
–Personal, we will give a breathed very deep, that I need
to cut the light for five minutes!
0 Comments, 75 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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RP 4/24/2005
... THE BEST DEFINITION OF RP
RP is a party guided by intellectuals that study and they
don't work,
formed by militants that work and they don't study,
commanded for
syndicalists that don't study and nor they work and
supported by voters
idiots that work like mads
but they don't have money to study...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Many Jokes condensed in one Page - ENGLISH HUMOR 4/24/2005
SCENE 1: SUBJECT ENTERING IN A FARMING.
- Do you have poison for mouse?
Have!are you taking it? - asks the clerk.
- No, I will bring the mice for eating here!!!
SCENE 2: IN THE BOX OF THE BANK, THE SUBJECT WILL CASH THE
CHECK.
- Will it take in money???
- No!!! please give clips and erasers!!! ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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If you love ... 4/24/2005
If you love something, set it free.
<br>
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
<br>
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
<br>
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never
behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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Advantages of being a Man 4/24/2005
1 If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
<br>
2 Everything on your face stays its original colour.
<br>
3 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
<br>
4 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
<br>
5 Same work...more pay.
<br>
6 Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
<br>
7 Wedding dress -- $2, 000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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CALMING YOUR 4/23/2005
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained
a ascreaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating
softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't
scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
Awoman standing next to him said, "You certainly
are to be commended for trying to soothe your , Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
0 Comments, 77 Views,
5 Votes
,1.19 Score
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Men Super Store 4/22/2005
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where
women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It
was laid out in five floors.
<br>
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor,
you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor,
you couldn't go back down except to leave the place,
never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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Get Me The Manager 4/22/2005
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale
hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to
a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close
to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his
cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
<br>
"Are you the owner?" <br>
she ...
0 Comments, 143 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Different Father 4/22/2005
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate
their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward
and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something
that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth
never quite looked like the rest of our .
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the
most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped ...
0 Comments, 143 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Nobody's job 4/17/2005
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done was sure that Somebody
would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's
job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up
that Everybody blamed ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Who am I ? 4/17/2005
I am first in everything,
I am the center of honesty,
and the end of all trouble.
I am not in difficulty,
I always come in time,
and I'm never out of money.
I am never in war,
always in peace
I come only twice and still make three.
<br>
<br>
I never get in bad company,
I always end a dialogue,
I always finish the game.
I am always in your dreams,
...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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