Dear Angela,

I'm kinda new to dating. I was a "late bloomer" and then I jumped into a couple of consecutive monogamous relationships. So now, for the first time really, I'm going out on good old-fashioned date thingies, rather than morphing friendships into romantic relationships. And last night I went out on a date that--how can I put this?--I have no idea whether it was good or bad or something or nothing.

Maybe I'm overstating it a bit. Of course, I know what a bad date is. I actually felt like I was gagging, I was so turned off by this one guy I went out with (so arrogant!). And of course, I can imagine what a great first date with a stranger is like (bells, whistles, etc.).

But this date was somewhere perfectly in between those two extremes. If I never saw him again, that'd be okay--no harm, no foul. But if I saw him again, that might be nice, too. We had a nice conversation. He's plenty cute and smart. We're different (he doesn't follow music and I'm in a band), but it doesn't seem like our core values are opposed. It was just a wash.

My question: do you think real love can spring from "plenty nice enough"? Or should I cut my losses now and look for someone who makes my heart pound?

--Pitty Pat in Pittsburgh


Dearest PPiP,

Sometimes you meet someone and you just know. Maybe you want to touch the person, or you find yourself unable to make eye contact, or you suddenly feel like challenging the other to a duel. Whatever your signal is for "Wow, oh wow, yes, please, wow, yes!" that signal is blinding and deafening. You know you'd do anything to be with this person.

A friend of mine calls this, "The burning of the loins." If she or he doesn't feel that same intensity, but that's how you feel -- fine, but I'm more open to considering a quieter signal. More like, "Hmm, maybe, I don't know, this could be kinda nice for tonight, or maybe for a while, or who knows -- I don't know."

That feeling is definitely worth pursuing past a first date, because most of us aren't our full, best selves during those awkward social experiments. Even if you're socially adept, you probably feel self-conscious. And if you or your date is shy, you may behave quite differently than you would once you get to know each other. So if you sense possible potential, I say go out on that second date.

There's something far more telling about a second date. You've both admitted to having some interest in each other--some attraction or curiosity--or you wouldn't be on that second date. So you can both relax a little into that first ring of acceptance, let down your hair a bit, and see what blossoms. And a kiss or three sure never hurts, in gaining clarity about what kind of chemistry you might share.

From there, the relationship usually heats up or cools down, making the decision far clearer. But if that doesn't happen, and the two of you still stay in that 50/50 zone, you'll have to ask yourself what you're truly longing for in a relationship. If you know you want the burning of the loins, it'll be time to move on. But if you want someone you can simply lean into and quietly enjoy, then by all means, do.

Second-date Kisses,

Angela

P.S.
What's a great second-date activity? The Naked Truth wants to hear how you take the next step.