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The Relationship Guru, Vol. 1 Starting today, an FF blog column for all of your relationship related inquiries, ably addressed by me, THE Relationship Guru. Keep those letters coming, folks. I tell it like I see it, and how! Dear Relationship Guru, My boyfriend slobbers a lot when we kiss, so much so it feels like I'm doing tongue hockey with a rabid Labrador. Please advise. Dribbled At In Des Moines Dear Dribbled, It might help if you shove a couple of those cotton wads they put in your cheeks while at the dentist's, or better yet, get one of those suction hoses they hang in there while you're having a root canal. If that doesn't work, have him swallow a bath sponge. Sincerely, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho instead of Oh God in the throes of passion. |
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2/3/2009 5:46 am |
Dear Relationship Guru, How can I tell my boyfriend that it hurts every time he touches my *tut* (censored) because of his hangnail?  Would it not be too embarrassing if I just offer him a manicure?  
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2/3/2009 5:55 am |
Also, my boyfriend told me to buy and read carefully the book - " Romancing the Butt."  Would you know if this book is similar to the book you finished reading, the "Anal Pleasure" 
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Dear Relationship Guru, How can I tell my boyfriend that it hurts every time he touches my *tut* (censored) because of his hangnail? Would it not be too embarrassing if I just offer him a manicure? You can try nibbling off the hangnail as part of foreplay. And since you're a real woman--don't spit, swallow. Masticatingly, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Also, my boyfriend told me to buy and read carefully the book - " Romancing the Butt." Would you know if this book is similar to the book you finished reading, the "Anal Pleasure" "Romancing the Butt" is the advanced version of "Anal Pleasure." I heard there's a VERY interesting chapter in there involving spatulas. Gluteus Maximusly, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru. A question. What is spotted dick? And how can I avoid catching it? Signed, Paranoid in Peoria. ~ B. A spotted dick is what Ron Jeremy has after playing connect-the-12-dots with a bingo marker. I'd avoid Ron Jeremy. Dottily, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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2/3/2009 1:17 pm |
Dear Relationship Guru, My long distance girlfriend and I are both cybervirgins, and have both promised that we would wait for each other for that special moment. I am beginning to wonder now if my gal has been true to her word. I have noticed an alarming pattern in her words when we chat (i.e. she now posts "I loooooooooooooooove yoooooooooooooou mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy darling"). I can't help but think that she has been unfaithful to me. Whatever shall I do? Signed, DoubtingDingusMagee
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2/3/2009 3:02 pm |
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2/3/2009 5:10 pm |
Dear Sherry329, You can try nibbling off the hangnail as part of foreplay. And since you're a real woman--don't spit, swallow. Masticatingly, The Relationship Guru Thank you for your advise. I guess I'll just have salt and lemon on the side to go with the hangnail to be swallowed. Yours, Sherry
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2/3/2009 5:20 pm |
Dear Sherry329, "Romancing the Butt" is the advanced version of "Anal Pleasure." I heard there's a VERY interesting chapter in there involving spatulas. Gluteus Maximusly, The Relationship Guru Are you suggesting the kitchen area as the best place while me and mah bf master "Romancing the Butt"? Yours, Sherry
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2/3/2009 5:33 pm |
Dear Relationship Guru, My bf says "thank you" instead of giving me a hug or a kiss after each time we had s*e*x. Do you think he really loves me? Perplexed, Sherry
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Dear MS, Please do not drink any hot beverage while reading this column. I will not be responsible for any monitor spraying that happens. As for foreplay lessons, may I suggest looking for a man with a hangnail, and doing what I advised Sherry329? Otherwise, please send $59.99 for a copy of "Anal Pleasure and Health" for more details re foreplay. Helpfully, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru, Is it true--men don't make passes at women who wear glasses? Sincerely, Di No, it is not true men do not make passes at women who wear glasses. I had an aunt who was a dead ringer for Henry Kissinger and she constantly had a big hairy Russian man asking her, "Hello my little babushka. Want to see my big rolled up blini, da?" Flirtily, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru, My long distance girlfriend and I are both cybervirgins, and have both promised that we would wait for each other for that special moment. I am beginning to wonder now if my gal has been true to her word. I have noticed an alarming pattern in her words when we chat (i.e. she now posts "I loooooooooooooooove yoooooooooooooou mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy darling"). I can't help but think that she has been unfaithful to me. Whatever shall I do? Signed, DoubtingDingusMagee No, she is not being unfaithful, she is practicing yodeling as part of foreplay. Buy her wooden clogs asap, and start calling her Heidi. Wistfully, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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2/3/2009 10:24 pm |
Dear Relationship Guru, If a woman says to me that money isn't important.. is she just dreaming that it's not important to me.. so i'll give it all to her? significantly, Hung_Drawn_Quartered
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 Toothsomely, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru, Thank you for your advise. I guess I'll just have salt and lemon on the side to go with the hangnail to be swallowed. Yours, Sherry No no no no no salt and lemon. It HAS to be chocolate. Where's your sense of romance? It may be a hangnail, but it can still be ROMANTIC. Sweetly, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru, Are you suggesting the kitchen area as the best place while me and mah bf master "Romancing the Butt"? Yours, Sherry Don't you know the kitchen is the laboratory of loooooove? Whipped cream, chocolate syrup, ice cubes--you get the idea. Should you require more suggestions, please send $79.99 for my autographed copy of "101 Kinky Ways with the Meat Thermometer." Sizzlingly, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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LOL Guru! Is that an inquiring LOL? Inquiringly, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru, My bf says "thank you" instead of giving me a hug or a kiss after each time we had s*e*x. Do you think he really loves me? Perplexed, Sherry It depends. Is he being grateful you're finally giving him some rest? Cheekily, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Guru, The missus caught me with her sister. But of the dozen I had, this is the best wife. She cooks everyday, keeps the house clean, painted and maintained. She can rebuild the motor on my bass boat, and helps keep and train my 30 dogs. How can I trick her to believing nothing happened? Didn'tdoit in Seatle Never mind the problem. What I want to know is, how soon can you send her over so she can rebuild the motor on MY bass boat? Opportunistically, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear Relationship Guru, If a woman says to me that money isn't important.. is she just dreaming that it's not important to me.. so i'll give it all to her? significantly, Hung_Drawn_Quartered Yes, she's dreaming. Wake her up so she can go on a shopping spree with your credit card. Materialistically, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear MS, Spotty pajamas, nibbling your own hangnail and forgetting you're a woman are serious symptoms. In order to find your womanhood again, will send you Hung_Drawn_Quartered with his credit card. Matchmakingly, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear wander_in_star, If I spy a female version of Quentin Tarantino heading my way, I shall start running. Thanks for the heads up. Anxiously, The Relationship Guru I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Dear tommy56english, Eh? What's that you're saying, sonny boy?? Signed, The...wait, who am I again? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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this is sooo funny! tita, will send u my Q in private tho..  have a wonderful day!  "never view anyone as a priority that views you as an option!”[ 
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