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Ouch! 7/5/2013
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?"
he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
...
2 Comments, 181 Views,
289 Votes
,7.13 Score
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The Perfect Employee? 6/28/2012
The Perfect Employee?
<br>
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
<br>
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
<br>
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
<br>
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
<br>
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
55 Votes
,8.66 Score
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the american, the brazilian and the PORTUGUESE guys 8/6/2009
THE WERE 3 MEN IN A PLANE WHICH FELL IN A LOST ISLAND. ONE THEM
WAS AMERICAN, ANOTHER ONE WAS BRAZILIAN AND THE LAST WAS
FROM PORTUGAL. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR SOME FOOD WHEN THE
NATIVES FOUND THEM. SO, THE TRIBE´S CHIEF SAID: "-
IF YOU WANNA LIVE, YOU´LL NEED TO FIND 2 FRUIT´S IN THE JUNGLE
AND BRING IT TO ME". THAT WAS EASY THEY THOUGHT.THE
AMERICAN WAS THE FIRST ONE TO ARRIVE.HE BROUGHT ...
3 Comments, 234 Views,
23 Votes
,3.60 Score
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Things to say when you are drunk... 7/2/2013
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're
drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to ...
5 Comments, 334 Views,
22 Votes
,5.05 Score
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Gross but funny 1/23/2014
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it
all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him
to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy
continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock
it off. You're going to break something." He
stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one
last ...
4 Comments, 95 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score
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Wrong Finder 12/3/2009
There is this horrible guy, he grunts in answer to a question,
he bull dozes his way to the front of any cue he can find.
<br>
But he has a parrot, the only thing he loves.
<br>
So he takes the parrot with him to the bank, and tries to jump
the cue. the security see the parrots, and since animals
are not allowed, he goes up to him and asks: Sir is this animal
yours?
...
0 Comments, 302 Views,
16 Votes
,0.34 Score
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Apple Pie and Coffee, Please 9/23/2013
After many years of trying, the Russian family has finally
able to bring grandpa to America to live with them. The old
gentleman could only speak Russian.
Each when the family members were at work granpa would spend
his time at the park, walking, watching the
play and feed ducks a few crumbs he brought along.So that
he will be able to get a lil something to eat, thet thought
him ...
3 Comments, 103 Views,
13 Votes
,2.14 Score
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not yet 7/5/2013
a three year old boy was examining his testicles while taking
a bath. "Mama", he asked, "are these
brains?"....mama answered " not yet "
1 Comments, 84 Views,
12 Votes
,2.98 Score
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The Female News Anchor 8/6/2009
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
true story...
The female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches ...
3 Comments, 95 Views,
12 Votes
,3.86 Score
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Blonde 8/27/2012
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving
all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're
here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was
a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there
was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
11 Votes
,3.54 Score
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Man and Monkey 5/10/2012
The man descends from the monkey, and monkeys descend from
the trees.
...
2 Comments, 84 Views,
11 Votes
,1.30 Score
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25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP 9/14/2013
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
2. Having \bsexo?\b in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook
up" and "break up."
...
2 Comments, 60 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
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The annoying cell phones 8/6/2009
In a sauna, several men wearing only towels are chatting
when, all of the sudden, a cell phone starts ringing. After
a few rings, a man answers:
"Hi, honey? You're at the sauna?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey, you won't believe me, I'm at the
store and they have a mink coat that's... magnificient!
So beautiful, and at such a ridiculously low price!"
"How much for the mink coat, honey?"
"It's ...
2 Comments, 167 Views,
10 Votes
,5.18 Score
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The Gospel According to Saint Podge 6/1/2021
In the beginning, there was Word. And the Word was Coke.
And it was good.
Yea one day, God did look upon his garden, and He saw Coke
and Coke was sad, and He asked Coke, “why for thou art sad?
Is there not enough … glasses of plenty?” And Coke replied,
“verily Lord, this is a kitchen of most wondrous delight.
But there is no one to share this kitchen with ...
2 Comments, 68 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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Refill, please.. 7/5/2013
The district attorney was cross- examining the murderess
on the witness stsand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your
husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal
dosage, didnt you feel the slightest pity for him, knowing
that he was about die and was wholly unaware of it...."Yes"
she mused". come to think of it there was just a moment
when i sort of fely ...
2 Comments, 88 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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MENTAL TEST 7/5/2013
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function,
and his hostess naturaly
broached the subject in which the doctor was
most at ease." Would you mind telling me, Doctor, "
she asked, " how would you detect a mental deficiency
in somebody who appears com
pletely noemal?"
"Nothing is easier, " he replied.You ask a
simple question which anyone shuold answer with no ...
2 Comments, 97 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Opening a bank account 8/6/2009
A man enters a bank in Zurich and steps up to a cashier to open
a bank account.
"How much money will you deposit initially?"
asks the cashier.
"Three million, " whispers the man.
"You can speak out normally without problem, "
responds the bank teller. "You know, in Switzerland,
being poor isn't something to be ashamed about."
2 Comments, 150 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Truly Poetic 7/5/2013
The birth of our second , a , came after along
and difficult labor. But it was definitly worth it when
our beautiful girl emerged, perfect in every way.Later
in my hospital room, my husband was looked at here tenderly,
w/ tears in his eyes. Then he was glanced up at me, I expected
him to utter something truly poetic.Instead he asked,
"what did we decide to call her again?"[/COLO...
3 Comments, 86 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score
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old lady's enemies 7/16/2011
A mass is being held..../ Priest: who among you has enemies?..../ (everyone raise their hands except for an old lady)...../
Priest: the old lady right there doesn’t have an enemy,
How old are you?..../ Old lady: 90 yrs old..../ Priest: she have gone along way, isnt that great for a 90yr
old lady, how come you don’t have enemies?..../ Old lady: they are all dead!
4 Comments, 80 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Sunday school 5/25/2011
A young boy was sitting in his sunday school class when the
teacher asked him "when you die what part of you goes
to heaven first"? the young boy pondered for a minute
then said confidently "Your Feet!" The Teacher
puzzled replies " how do you figuire that when you
die your feet go to heaven first?The Young boy states"The
other day I was walking past my Mom and Dads bedroom, I looked
in and saw ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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And God created the Swiss 7/8/2009
When God created the Swiss, the latter became quite dear
to God's heart. So He asked the Swiss:
'My dear Swiss, what can I still do for you?'
The Swiss asked for beautiful mountains with lush green
meadows and crystal clear mountain stream. God fulfilled
this wish and asked again, 'What more do you want?'
The Swiss answered: 'I would now like to have healthy,
happy cows on the meadows, ...
1 Comments, 192 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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prehistoric 10/30/2012
What do you call a lesbian dinosaurs
A LICKOLOTAPUS
1 Comments, 18 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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IRANIAN MINISTER SACKED OVER FAKE OXFORD UNIVERSITY DEGREE 3/27/2013
Parliament in Iran has voted to sack Interior Minister
Ali Kordan after he admitted a degree he said he obtained
from Oxford University was a forgery.
Mr Kordan said he had received the doctoral certificate
in good faith, but it was later revealed as a crude fake.
MPs have accused the president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of
grave naivety for having been taken in by the lies of his ...
1 Comments, 7 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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South Carolina Crazy Law 5/24/2015
Dumb South Carolina Laws
It is considered an offense to get a tattoo.
Performing a U-turn within 1, 000 feet of an intersection
is illegal.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! All schools must prepare a suitable program for Francis
Willard Day.
Dance halls may not operate on Sundays.
Horses may not be ...
1 Comments, 10 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Humorous story 6/1/2021
Thanks to this crisis, good den a lot of stress and change
his mind. And now forced to go into hospital Sane Mental
Hope.
As usual, at the hospital every day was given a job by the
doctor, there are sweeping the floors, clean glass, sweep
the yard, etc.. Den good coincidence given the task of watering
the flowers every afternoon.
One afternoon, very heavy rain. My friends have ...
1 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
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I Want To Buy That 11/28/2017
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can
buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve
blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing,
and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Are You Really Sure? blonde 2/6/2017
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm
a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to
me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Dirty Joke about Little Billy 7/30/2015
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet
rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and
it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad
came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his
legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in
the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, ", that's
so God can reach down from the clouds and ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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ALAN , CHARLIE , JAKE , EVELYN 'S jokes 11/9/2011
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't
say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is
what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D? ...
1 Comments, 5 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Good to be American 1/31/2016
1.You can have a woman president without electing her
2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3.You can call Budweiser beer
4.You can be a crook and still be president
5.If you've got enough money you can get elected to
do anything
6.If you can breathe you can get a gun
7.You can invent a new public holiday every year
8.You ...
1 Comments, 4 Views,
0 Votes
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