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Barry-UK 50 M
2  Articles
No Speaky English   10/10/2012

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in ...

6 Comments, 169 Views, 38 Votes ,3.32 Score
JKH_54 61 M
13  Articles
"In-Laws!"   6/16/2008

Me and my second wife were driving down a country road one day not saying a word after an earlier ding buster of a battle we'd had and neither of us wanted to to give it up.

As we passed a barnyard of mules and pigs my wife sarcastically asked me, "Relatives of yours are they?"

"That's right Miss Tennessee! They're my in-laws."

2 Comments, 147 Views, 20 Votes ,1.85 Score
Barry-UK 50 M
2  Articles
Medical Advances   10/10/2012

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced ...

3 Comments, 105 Views, 15 Votes ,3.28 Score
JKH_54 61 M
13  Articles
You just never know!   4/11/2013

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband ...

9 Comments, 93 Views, 57 Votes ,0.40 Score
bicholindo 49 F
1  Article
Man and Monkey   5/10/2012

The man descends from the monkey, and monkeys descend from the trees. ...

3 Comments, 84 Views, 23 Votes ,1.14 Score

While walking down the street one day a Minister is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven, " says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me ...

2 Comments, 83 Views, 6 Votes ,4.50 Score
JKH_54 61 M
13  Articles
Old firefighters!   5/23/2010

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They ...

8 Comments, 80 Views, 35 Votes ,1.74 Score
babypower7dk 47 F
76  Articles
Match Made in Heaven   9/23/2013

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?" ...

2 Comments, 78 Views, 13 Votes ,2.81 Score
cetacea 56 F
2  Articles
Aging or something   9/14/2013

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and sked, "How old was your husband?" "98." she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96, " the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
--Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter ...

3 Comments, 78 Views, 17 Votes ,2.56 Score
JKH_54 61 M
13  Articles
Bubba's hearing?   5/23/2010

Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts his right ...

4 Comments, 76 Views, 10 Votes ,3.39 Score
babypower7dk 47 F
76  Articles
a bird   8/11/2007

A couple went into a pet store to buy a canary. They told the salesman the bird had to be a good singer. They heard a canary singing loudly and remarked, “It’s beautiful, and it sings great.”
But when the salesman took the bird from the cage, the couple said, “Hey, it’s got only one leg.”
“What do you want, ” the ...

1 Comments, 72 Views, 10 Votes ,3.98 Score
JKH_54 61 M
13  Articles
Both hands!   6/16/2008

A Tennessee state trooper pulls over a young man in a pickup on a lonely state highway that is driving erratic. The trooper had noticed that the man driving had a woman passenger that was sitting nearly on top of him as he drove and that she had one foot on the dash.

When the trooper walked up to the window of the pickup he could see a beautiful blonde wearing a pink miniskirt with no ...

2 Comments, 68 Views, 15 Votes ,2.37 Score
placid5 41 M
4  Articles
polce jokes   8/12/2007

a thief was running away.... behind him chased by a constable and behind him a polce officer. thief finally ran away... the officer stormed at constable " rubbish, could not grab him?" "but sir i took his finger print for future investigation" replied "where it is"- officer "on my cheeks"- constable

1 Comments, 65 Views, 2 Votes ,1.04 Score
babypower7dk 47 F
76  Articles
Single   9/23/2013

A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”
He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison, ” he says.
“For ...

2 Comments, 63 Views, 12 Votes ,3.33 Score
babypower7dk 47 F
76  Articles
farmer   8/11/2007

An Iowa farmer was tired of hearing a Texas rancher brag how everything was the best on his spread. So the farmer invited the Texan out to his Iowa farm if he was ever in the vicinity. “What do you have on your farm that would interest me?” the rancher asked.
“I have a bull that can outrun the train that goes past my place, ” the farmer replied.

1 Comments, 60 Views, 4 Votes ,3.25 Score
JKH_54 61 M
13  Articles
Little Boy at the Nude Beach !   5/23/2010

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women Have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of ...

1 Comments, 57 Views, 11 Votes ,3.73 Score
cetacea 56 F
2  Articles

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently ...

3 Comments, 56 Views, 13 Votes ,2.14 Score
1  Article
Lamest joke contest winner.   3/22/2011

Two men walk into a bar, third man ducks.

1 Comments, 56 Views, 4 Votes ,4.02 Score
placid5 41 M
4  Articles
prayer   8/12/2007

a man praying to his god- " o lord, give me sorrow, hard afflictions, sleepless nights, restless days, incurable pain"
god replies" my son, why don't you pray clearly that you need a wife?"

2 Comments, 56 Views, 1 Votes ,2.40 Score
countrygirlfla 62 F
1  Article
College Student Vs Senior Citizen   1/15/2011

College Student Vs Senior Citizen

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

3 Comments, 52 Views, 6 Votes ,0.23 Score
babypower7dk 47 F
76  Articles
A well-planned life ??   8/11/2007

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"
"Yes, " said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an ...

1 Comments, 52 Views, 6 Votes ,2.23 Score
goodmorning2011 53 M
2  Articles
Blonde   8/27/2012

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and ...

2 Comments, 50 Views, 14 Votes ,2.98 Score
placid5 41 M
4  Articles
dull headed   8/12/2007

a general wins a battle. media persons"congratulation general, for your victory" general" nothing goes to my credit, all credit to my fellow armymen" a week later his wife gave birth to a child mediapersons" congratulation general, you are now a proud father" general" nothing goes to my credit, all credit to my fellow armymen"

1 Comments, 42 Views, 3 Votes ,4.41 Score
babypower7dk 47 F
76  Articles
MOM...   3/7/2013

Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How's everything in Florida?
Mom: Not too good. I've been very weak.
Son: Why are you weak?
Mom: Never mind.
Son: What's wrong?
Mom: Never mind. It's okay.
Son: Why are you weak, Mom?
Mom: I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days.
Son: That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in ...

2 Comments, 34 Views, 11 Votes ,2.05 Score
Exceller2 56 M
4  Articles
Two Hillbillies   8/12/2007

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. A woman at a nearby table, eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it is obvious that the woman is in distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "can yer swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Can yer breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue ...

1 Comments, 34 Views, 2 Votes ,2.42 Score
Gyuszi16 51 M
1  Article
My life   7/16/2011

Not always possible to good translate a joke (like from Hungarian), but I will try now...

The husband nicknamed his wife "my life" One day the Death camp-out on the door, and he opens the door. I came for your life, -says the Death. Just a moment, -say man -"my life", someone are looking for you...

1 Comments, 27 Views, 3 Votes ,1.47 Score
houari32 28 M
5  Articles
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.   9/23/2013

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few ...

0 Comments, 15 Views, 4 Votes ,2.08 Score
ouss1992 21 M
10  Articles
the expiry date   8/21/2014

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

0 Comments, 7 Views, 3 Votes ,0.98 Score