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MIRROR MIRROR 5/9/2006
Mirror Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it
on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed,
she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door,
make my bust-line forty-four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light and her breasts
grow to enormous proportions. Excited, she runs to tell
her husband what happened.
A few ...
1 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Google link 5/7/2006
Go to Google tap in "Asshole" and press the I
feel lucky option.
Jay
1 Comments, 66 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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The White House's new switchboard 5/1/2006
"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard.
Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the
proper office."
"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling
of the war in Iraq, press one."
"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of
prisoners and the White House's endorsement of torture,
press two, and then say the name of the torture site that ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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A day off 4/29/2006
If you ever need a day off work tell your boss you have anal
glaucoma.
What's that?
I just can't see getting my ass into work today.
1 Comments, 83 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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A New CEO 4/25/2006
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new
CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a
guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks
this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money
do you make a week?"
...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
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Angry Management (Don't imitate!) 4/25/2006
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered
a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and
dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely
said, "This is Chris. ...
1 Comments, 184 Views,
15 Votes
,4.66 Score
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A Big Guy 4/25/2006
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great
big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall,
350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his
face and shaking him. He ...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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Job interview of a young engineer 4/25/2006
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And
what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125, 000
a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to
a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, a ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Three Nuns... 4/25/2006
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was
cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know
what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in
Father's room putting away the laundry and I found
a bunch of condoms!" ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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A Baby 4/25/2006
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted
me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off.
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
1 Comments, 91 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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blondes 4/21/2006
Do you know why blondes have empty bottles in their refrigerator?
It could be, that someone do not want to drink something
1 Comments, 115 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Bear conversion 4/21/2006
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
in Marquette. They would get together two or three times
a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made
the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Seal joke 4/14/2006
A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What
can I get you?"
The seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club on
ice".
1 Comments, 131 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Things to say when you are drunk... 4/13/2006
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're
drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to ...
5 Comments, 334 Views,
22 Votes
,5.05 Score
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Bingo... 4/13/2006
A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says
"sorry
mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as
it turns
your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's
nothing
I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious
moments
on earth."
So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught,
she asks
him to accompany her to ...
1 Comments, 193 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Circumcision 4/9/2006
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because a Jewish women won't touch anything unless
it's 10% off.
4 Comments, 302 Views,
19 Votes
,3.78 Score
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Kindergarten 4/9/2006
One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to her class of 5-year
olds, "I'll give $5 to the who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was
St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a little black boy put his hand up and said, "It
was Michael Jordan."
The teacher ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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Sociologists 4/9/2006
How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to actually change the bulb, and the other to conduct
a study on why the bulb needed to change.
3 Comments, 129 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Mortality 4/9/2006
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
3 Comments, 206 Views,
11 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Airplane Ride 4/9/2006
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year.
Every year, there was a pilot there who sold rides in his
WWI-style biplane. Morris would say, "Esther, I'd
like to ride in that biplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane
ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Years passed. Morris and Esther again went to the fair and ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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At a fancy restaurant 4/9/2006
A wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came
over to their table, gave the husband a big open-mouthed
kiss, said she'll see him later, and walked away.
The wife glared at her husband and asked, "Who was
that?"
"Oh, " replies the husband. "She's
my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw, " said ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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Moses & God 4/9/2006
Moses stood on the top of Mt Sinai conversing with God.
"So let me get this straight, " Moses said.
"The Arabs get the oil, the South Africans get the
diamonds, and we Jews get the skin cut off the end of our WHAT?"
1 Comments, 94 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Barber Shop 4/9/2006
A Catholic Priest walks into a barbers to have his hair cut.
The barber cuts his hair, then the Priest asks how much he
owes. The barber says, "Oh, no! I couldn't take
any money from you, you're a holy man!"
The Priest thanks him and leaves. The next morning, the
barber finds 12 diamonds outside his door.
Later, a Buddhist monk comes to have his head shaved. The
barber does ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Naughty parrots 4/9/2006
A lady approaches her minister and told him, "Minister,
I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the minister inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're horny.
Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the minister exclaimed,
"but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your
two ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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The girl in the bar 4/9/2006
This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There
is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar.
He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy
stare in return.
A little while later he tries again, and is again rebuked.
He calls the bartender over. "Listen, I'd really
like to meet that girl. Can you help me?"
"Sure, " says the bartender. ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Feminists 4/9/2006
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six: one to actually change the bulb, and the other five
to start a support group for the old discarded bulb.
2 Comments, 129 Views,
9 Votes
,2.78 Score
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Adam 4/9/2006
Adam was alone in the garden of Eden.
God noticed this and said, "To ease your loneliness,
I will make you a helpmate. She will be beautiful, honest,
supportive, and always pleasant."
"Excellent!" replied Adam.
God said, "But there's a catch. It will cost you
an arm and a leg."
Adam considered this, then asked, "What can I get
for a rib?"
1 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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2 guys in a bar 4/9/2006
One night, a Jewish man entered a dim, deserted bar, sat
down at the counter, and odered a drink. He noticed that
the only other customer was an oriental man sitting at the
other end of the bar. A few drinks too many later, the Jewish
guy got up, went to the other end of the bar, and shoved the
other man off his stool.
"What was that for?" asked the startled man
as he looked up at ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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New suit 4/9/2006
A man ordered a new suit from his Jewish Tailor, but six weeks
later it still was not finished. Frustrated by the endless
delays, he finally cried out, "Why is it taking so
long? I have been waiting six weeks."
"So?" replied the tailor quietly.
"So, you ask? It took God only six days to create the
universe!"
"Yeah", shrugged the tailor, "and NOW
look at it..."
1 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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The Jewish Dog 4/9/2006
Just before services at a synogogue, the Rabbi noticed
a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St.
Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?" asked the Rabbi.
Bernie replied, "The came here to pray."
"Oh, come on!" said the Rabbi.
"YES!" insisted Bernie.
The Rabbi protested, "I don't ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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