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True Love 8/30/2007
She was just the bootlegger's but he loved
her still!
1 Comments, 90 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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MIND READER....... 8/12/2007
Mind Reader
<br>
<br>
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends $5, 000 and feels pretty good about the results.
<br>
On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before
leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't
mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
<br>
"About 32, " the clerk replies.
...
1 Comments, 127 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Why i fired my secretary...... 8/12/2007
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling
too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife
would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!",
and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she
didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that's wives for you, the
will remember..The came in to breakfast and didn't
say a word. So ...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Percription for Cyanide 8/12/2007
A lady tells the pharmacist that she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, "Lord have
mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law!! Absolutely not!
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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B....I.....T......C......H 8/12/2007
B is for beautiful
<br>
I is for Intelligent
<br>
T is for Talented
<br>
C is for Creative
<br>
H is for Human
1 Comments, 340 Views,
30 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Who Do You Want To Be? 8/12/2007
Three nuns riding in their jalopy truck suddenly get into
a horrible accident and died.
<br>
At the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them, "Sisters,
because you've been such faithful followers, I'll
give you a second chance at life." The sisters were
so excited over this.
<br>
St. Peter continued, "I'll let you be whoever
you want to be but only for an hour."
<br>
...
1 Comments, 351 Views,
16 Votes
,3.57 Score
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Do You Ever...? 8/12/2007
Two elder ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
<br>
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
<br>
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
<br>
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
<br>
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
<br>
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the ...
1 Comments, 287 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score
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Cruising 8/12/2007
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in
the wind.
<br>
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me,
madam, I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
<br>
"Yes, I know, " said the lady, "I need
both hands to hold onto this hat."
...
1 Comments, 274 Views,
15 Votes
,4.97 Score
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Coping With Advanced Senility 8/12/2007
PRAYER
<br>
Dear Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
<br>
As I've grown older, but refused to grow up...
<br>
I've discovered:
<br>
ONE - I started out with nothing,
and still have most of it.
<br>
TWO - My wild oats ...
1 Comments, 262 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
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At the Bar 8/12/2007
Two guys sitting in a bar one afternoon pouting over their
wives' getting after them.
<br>
First guy says, "I'm gonna start calling my wife
Encyclepedia Brittanica."
<br>
Second guy asks, "Why is that?"
<br>
First guy answers, "The bitch knows everything!"
1 Comments, 291 Views,
11 Votes
,3.35 Score
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In Training 8/12/2007
An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender,
"Me want beer."
<br>
The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall draught beer and the Indian drinks
it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure
into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks ...
1 Comments, 294 Views,
13 Votes
,3.31 Score
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Kemosabe Waters the Bushes 8/12/2007
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding
when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over
to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs
over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten
by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to
do." So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor,
Lone Ranger has been bit by a ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
0 Votes
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Movie Theatre Humour.... 8/12/2007
A rural farm boy takes his pet duck to the movies, but the
movie theater won't let the duck in, so the boy hides
the duck down his pants.
<br>
He finds a seat next to two older ladies.
<br>
The duck manages to squeeze it's head out through the
boy's zipper.
<br>
One old lady nudges the other and says "look at this,
I can't believe it", to which the other ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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bra shopping 8/12/2007
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a
bra and
set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered
an
upscale department store and approached the saleslady
in
lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
<br>
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left
the
store and proceeded to another department store where
she is
rebuffed in much the ...
2 Comments, 273 Views,
12 Votes
,3.33 Score
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HOT LINE .. 8/12/2007
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
<br>
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
<br>
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
<br>
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
<br>
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
...
2 Comments, 224 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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The Sesame Street Bus 8/12/2007
This guy starts a new job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street
Route. His boss tells him he doesn't have a whole lot
of as they all are very special , with individual
needs.
<br>
The first stop 2 very large little girls get on and their
mother introduces them as Patty Lou, and Patty Sue, she
tells the bus driver that they require their own seat because
of their size.
...
2 Comments, 261 Views,
9 Votes
,2.78 Score
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PENIS WATS A RAISE.. 8/12/2007
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
<br>
1. I do physical labour
2. I work in great depths
3. I have to go in head first
4. I do not get days off, weekends or public holidays
5. I work in a damp environment
6. I work in high temperatures
7. My work exposes me to contagious diseases
<br>
Response from Management:
...
2 Comments, 242 Views,
17 Votes
,4.82 Score
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City workers 8/12/2007
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a
hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill,
fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging
a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe
how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. Finally ...
1 Comments, 196 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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THE BUM 8/12/2007
A bum, who obviously has seen more than
his share of hard times, approaches a
well-dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
<br>
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are
not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
<br>
"No, sir, I don't drink, " retorts the
bum.
<br>
<br>
You are not going to throw it away ...
1 Comments, 183 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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WHY IT SUCKS TO BE A PENIS 8/12/2007
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
...
1 Comments, 192 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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DESERT 8/12/2007
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying
a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door
said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying
that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the
desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies,
"Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why
are you carrying around that car door, you ...
1 Comments, 196 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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Random thoughts 8/12/2007
A Woman's Random Thoughts
<br>
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things
like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and
my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to
be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat." <br>
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead
unless it's good. He's ...
2 Comments, 243 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score
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A computer is owned bye a redneck if... 8/12/2007
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
<br>
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
<br>
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
<br>
4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
<br>
5. The password is, "bubba."
<br>
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
<br>
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
<br>
8. The printer ...
1 Comments, 144 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
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lunch times blues .. redneck style 8/12/2007
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction
work
on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating
lunch
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned
beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going
to jump off
this building."
<br>
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again!
If I get burritos one more ...
1 Comments, 186 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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Pa's gonna be mad 8/12/2007
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load
of
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
<br>
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget
your troubles. Come in
with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
<br>
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered,
"but I don't think
Pa would like me to."
<br>
"Aw, come on, " the farmer ...
1 Comments, 193 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
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The Best Sick Day Excuse 8/12/2007
A woman call her boss one morning and tells him that She is
staying home because she is not feeling well
<br>
"what's the matter?", he asks.
<br>
"I have a case of anal glaucoma", she says in
a weak voice.
<br>
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
<br>
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
2 Comments, 313 Views,
12 Votes
,3.68 Score
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misunderstanding 8/12/2007
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment"
stories
I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked
up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker
got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
"Price check on lane thirteen, Tampax, ...
1 Comments, 240 Views,
13 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Forrest Gump is wrong 8/12/2007
Forrest Gump is wrong,
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates,
it's like a jar of jalapenos.
You never know when it's going to burn your ass.
<br>
~~~~~
1 Comments, 165 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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tell jokes 8/12/2007
Why do walruses go to tupperware parties? Because they're
looking for a tight seal.
1 Comments, 168 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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The Bullet 8/12/2007
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times
in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets
in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy .
All was fine for 16 years, and then one walked into
the room in tears.
...
1 Comments, 238 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score
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