Dear Angela,

All my life, I’ve tried to take the breakup high ground, making sure my latest ex is out of my system (as much as possible) before I start dating new. Getting over someone often takes me months, and once, after a long relationship, it took me several years. Waiting to jump back into dating always seemed like the emotionally and morally best way to handle the situation, but it has also resulted in long periods of singleness in between relationships (yep, I tend toward serial monogamy), which can be sad and lonely.

A couple of weeks ago I broke up with a guy I was seeing for six months. It wasn’t a serious relationship–I always knew we wouldn’t work in any long-term way–but the connection was just what I was needing right now, and I’ve been way more upset about the split than I expected to be. A few friends have been encouraging me to get back out there, and they say that “there’s no quicker way to get over someone than to get under someone new.” Do you think that approach would work better, or just make things worse?

–Rebounding in Rochester


Dearest RiR,

The question to ask isn’t which approach is right, but rather which approach is right for you. And further, which approach is right for you right now–because all breakups are of course not the same.

Here are some questions to ask yourself, in general and on a person-by-person basis, as you try to figure out what would feel best to you now:

• Does the idea of dating bring you joy? Does it feel fun or exciting or hopeful? (If yes, you may want to take a few baby steps, and at each new step ask yourself the same questions. Pause when the answer is “no” or “I’m not sure.”)

• When you think about being physically intimate with someone new, does it make you want to sigh with relief or tear up with grief? (Company can be comforting, or it can simply flame the fires.)

• Do you have enough internal and external support to handle any painful feelings or situations that may arise from new dating situations? Are you up for making yourself vulnerable? (Try to be honest, and above all else, be gentle with your sweet self.)
Can you see new potential partners as people in and of themselves, or are they just weapons against your own painful memories? (Dehumanizing others isn’t gonna soothe or satisfy you or the people you date.)

• Do you want to date, or would you rather just cuddle up with friends or cry in bed? (This is one of those “Trust your intuition” moments. All the time, we’re told to override our intuition in favor of what’s good for us. Don’t believe that hype. Be your own best friend, and encourage yourself to do what feels best to you, not what you think should feel best to you.)


No matter what you decide, you can always change your mind. If you go out with someone new and it only makes you feel worse, try someone else or hang by yourself. Life is a marvelous experiment. The only mistake you can make is not tuning in to your true needs on each step of your journey.


Rebound Kisses,
Angela

P.S. Should she wait or jump back in there? The Naked Truth wants your two cents.