Take a moment to think back to the best relationship you’ve ever had. It probably won’t take long for a flood of romantic, sexy, and loving images to pass through you.
It’s bittersweet, isn’t it? Something that was once so real and spun you into a romance high is now relegated to some memories with missing pieces.
What you need to learn to do now: take those bittersweet memories and make use of them, so you have a sweet romantic future to look ahead to. Here’s how:
Find out if it was all about the heat
Yes, we need to take a minute and dissect the best relationship you ever had. What were the ingredients? Most likely it was heavy on the spice.
When they’re describing their most amazing relationships, the majority of people focus on the physical attraction and sexual chemistry that was there. Erica, a hairstylist, reminisced that the best relationship of her life was also the “best, most intense sex she ever had.”
The reality is that until Erica and those of you like her (whether you’re a man or a woman) aren’t going to be able to move completely past “the best relationship of your life” until you find similar chemistry again.
The thought that may be getting you down is, “I’m never going to have that kind of chemistry with someone again.” However, you need to wipe that thought out of your mind–now! Eventually, you will again have that kind of chemistry with someone (and probably even better), if you’re truly giving other people a chance at romancing you.
Also, try to look at the relationship objectively and see if the chemistry was one of the only things the relationship had. If that’s the case, this kind of “empty” chemistry is more easily replaced than you might think.
Ask yourself, “Is the memory of the relationship better than the actual relationship?”
Memory plays tricks on us. Jacob, a teacher, had all these idealized pictures in his head of his “best relationship” that included Mexico, the heat of the summer, sexy swims, and sunsets. The non-idealized version: Unreturned phone calls, being cheated on, and quite a few boring conversations.
Keep a list of all the bad things that were part of your best relationship. As you move on with new people, you might find that the best actually had a lot of worst in it.
Realize you’re not out of “great loves”
In the Sex and the City series, Carrie starts to wonder if she’s out of “great loves” after Big and Aiden, the two formidable men in her life. You might be wondering the same. Do I only get one or two hot, down-to-the-soul relationships in one lifetime?
The answer is no. You can’t put a number on love. And besides, the guy or woman who you thought might have been your soul mate could have been just a tide-you-over mate until the real relationship ‒ the one you’ve been waiting for ‒ comes along.
Know you’re getting closer
If you’re able to look at this past relationship from a new perspective, you’ll be able to find out what made it good and what made it not so good; the things you did to make it grow and the things you did to make it stall.
The fact that you’re able to do this means you’re freeing yourself from the past and are closer to an even better future relationship. Take what you’ve learned from the best relationship in your life to find and develop an even better romance!
Caroline Presno, Ed.D. is a freelance writer and author of Profiling Your Date: A Smart Woman's Guide to Evaluating a Man.