Dear Angela,

I’ve been seeing this guy for several months, and I really like him. He’s smart and funny and ridiculously hot in bed (I mean, wow. Just, wow!), and neither he nor I seem to be looking for anything serious right now. It’s the perfect situation…kind of.

Here’s the thing that’s worrying me: I’m usually the type who talks things out with the people I’m dating. I share my thoughts and feelings liberally, and invite the other person to do the same. I feel most at ease when I know what the other person is thinking. I like to know where I stand.

And especially in this situation, I’d feel way better getting some confirmation from him that he’s enjoying our connection, and that it feels satisfying to him. But when I’ve tried to ask him, he somehow manages to evade the question. He says he doesn’t really know what’s happening between us. And then he kind of disappears for a while. Then he reappears, and the hotness resumes.

This cycle has happened a couple of times now, to the point where I’ve just come to try to enjoy the situation for what it is, without asking any questions. I feel pretty clear that he’s not super good with processing, and I’m doing my best not to take his vagueness personally.

On the one hand, I’m glad I’m able to roll with this situation and continue to really enjoy it, even if it is challenging for me sometimes. On the other hand, I notice that I’m getting so worried about scaring him off that I feel way more passive than usual about making my own requests. How do I draw the line between compromising and being compromised?

– Bendy in Boston


Dearest BiB,

There’s a fine line between bending and breaking. On the one hand, you want to consider someone’s needs, limitations, and vulnerabilities, and be sensitive to them. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to force someone into a skillset or natural inclination they don’t possess.

And it’s great that you’re able to appreciate what you do share with your hot gentleman caller. It’s a sign of maturity to value your own needs, while also recognizing that you may not get all of your needs perfectly met in any one situation. For instance, you may get your need for processing and sharing met in your friendships, and forgo it for now, if the connection is meeting other needs (like companionship and fun steamy times).


But you’re also asking the right question: how much compromise is too much? And the good news is that only you can answer this question for yourself. Despite books to the contrary, there are no rules in relationships. You get to determine what works for you. If you find that you feel disempowered and more unhappy than happy with your silence, then by all means, share your requests with him, with an open heart and a sense of curiosity. If it ends as a result, that might be painful, but you’ll still have your sense of self-respect, and all you’ll be losing is a relationship that, try as you both might, just wasn’t the right fit over time.

That said, if you’d rather avoid rocking the boat for now, that’s okay, too. It’s all right to choose your need for harmony over your need for expression, if that’s what’s more important to you in the moment. There will likely come a time when you feel like you are too uncomfortable not to speak up, but there’s nothing wrong with waiting until that time to speak (just don’t wait past that time, and explode rather than share). The trick is to keep checking in with yourself on that happiness scale, and act accordingly.

Flexi Kisses,
Angela

P.S. How far are you willing to bend for a relationship? The Naked Truth wants to hear your own personal “rules.”