I’m a snap judgment kind of guy. Like, after one date, I can tell if I could be in a real relationship with a woman or not. My friends give me a hard time about this all the time. They say I give up too easily, or, in the case of the most recent woman, that I commit too soon. I say I know what I know. They say I couldn’t possibly. What do you think?
– Snapped Up in Syracuse
Dearest SUS,
It’s not impossible to know, of course, that you’re attracted to someone–physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, pheromonally–upon the first seconds and minutes of meeting. Sometimes you meet someone and you feel like you’ve known them forever, and other times you meet someone and you immediately wish you’d never met. The question is, how much do you trust your intuition to make decisions based on this initial attraction?
Maybe you have super intuition, or super clear tastes. It’s not impossible that you might know right away if someone is for you. And I’m not gonna tell you that you’re shallow for making these quick judgments. No matter what anyone says, you have a right to date anyone you want, for whatever reasons you want. If you want a series of trophy girlfriends who don’t satisfy you in other ways, that’s your prerogative. If you refuse to date women who didn’t go to an Ivy League school, even though you’re more attracted to their minds than any other part of them, that’s fine, too.
The only problem is when you’re making choices that limit you from actualizing your own desires or locking you into the same repeated disappointments. Here are a few questions to help you better gage if your snap judgments are causing you trouble:
• Do you find yourself dating only one “type,” even though that type drives you crazy?
• Could all of your exes be related? They look and act so similar.
• Do all of your friends “see it coming” with your girlfriends, but you are blindsided when things don’t work out?
• When you commit before you really know someone, are you surprised by “how much they change” during your relationship? Is it possible you’re making incorrect assumptions about who they are, instead of actually getting to know them?
The issue here is whether you’re getting the kinds of results you want from these snap decisions. If they land you in reasonably fulfilling relationships, then by all means, snap away. But if you keep finding yourself stranded and miserable and wondering how you arrived there, then maybe your friends are right ‒ you’re calling it too soon.
If that’s the case, there are all kinds of strategies you can try to take a new approach. Have those busybody friends put their money where their mouths are and set you up–on the condition that you’ll give each woman at least a three-date trial period (assuming she agrees, of course).
Or, before making any big declarations or commitments, force yourself to wait twice as long as you ever have and see if you still want to make a commitment when the time comes.
There are no hard-and-fast rules, so the best thing to do is experiment and allow yourself to adjust your strategies to better meet your needs. You can make mistakes–just make sure you aren’t making the exact same ones over and over. Allow yourself to make some new mistakes once in a while!
Quick Kisses,
Angela
P.S. How soon do you know if you’re interested in someone? The Naked Truth wants to hear your timeline.