Dear Angela,

A few weeks ago, I saw a woman here on FriendFinder who really piqued my interest. From her profile and pics, she seemed to be just my type–sweet but witty, sexy but goofy, super smart but not too serious in her tastes. So I spent maybe an hour thinking up just the right little message to send her. When she emailed me back the same day, I was more excited than I’d ever admit non-anonymously.

After a week of email banter, we happened to be online at the same time. We chatted for over an hour, and it was so much fun. I laughed aloud the whole time, and by the end of it, we had an in-person date. At the end of our first date, I thought we’d had a good time, but I wasn’t sure if she was into me. So when she agreed to a second date, and suggested we watch a movie over at my house, I was thrilled and relieved. She came over, we had a great time, and sparks flew.

I swear, I’m not a total spazz. It’s not like I think this now means that we’re gonna be together forever–or even that we’re now exclusive. But I couldn’t help but notice that she was back on FriendFinder later that same day. Does going from my bed to her inbox mean she’s underwhelmed? I’m having a hard time not taking it personally.

– Stalking in San Francisco


Dearest SIS,

Ahh, the joys and agonies of online dating at FriendFinder! On the one hand, you may never have met this woman in the course of your daily life. And it’s awesome to connect with someone with whom you genuinely enjoy spending time. But it’s also true that we now have unprecedented abilities to monitor each other’s activities online. Pair that with how easy it is to misread the tone and intention of emails, and we’ve got ourselves a potentially crazy-making situation.

Here’s the thing: You don’t know why she logged in again here, and you don’t know what it means:
• Maybe she was thinking about her connection with you and returned here to look at your profile again and compare it to her in-person experience.
• Maybe she was feeling vulnerable about your new connection, so she came here to browse, as a way to remind herself that no matter what happens, there are plenty of fish in the cyber sea.
• Maybe she received messages from new people and she wanted to look just out of hypothetical curiosity. Maybe she’s seeing a couple of people at once, and she wanted to check in on someone else.
• Maybe she’s got a touch of cyber addiction and she looks at the site more as a habit than a goal.
• Or maybe she realized your connection isn’t quite right for her on an ongoing way, so she was getting back here to see what other possibilities might be out there.


Ouch–I know, that last one in particular doesn’t feel fun to contemplate. And the important thing to note here is that there are dozens of possible scenarios for why she came back from your place and logged back to the source. You have no idea which scenario is true. Sure, you can spend all day convincing yourself that the worst-case scenarios must be true. We do that to protect ourselves. But honestly, that kind of mental self-torture is way worse than actual rejection.

So my advice to you is to make yourself vulnerable, tell her how much you enjoyed your time with her, and ask her out on a third date. If she says yes, enjoy your time with her. And whenever you feel like you need to know the answer, ask her if she’s seeing anyone else, or if she’s still using the site to meet new people. Try to be curious, not accusatory, and be open to hearing her answer, whatever it is. For all its fun, dating can be a vulnerable experience for everyone, and the more you can keep your heart and your mind open, and focus on what you want instead of what you fear, the better off everyone will be.

Cyber-Obsessed Kisses,
Angela

P.S. How long do you wait before asking someone if they’re seeing someone else? The Naked Truth wants to know.