Friendship is about companionship, bonding, trust, and support. That's not so bad. It's good actually. The problem is what is friendship not about: chemistry, physical attraction, and yes, sex. And that's not even a problem unless you're attracted to and want to have sex with a "friend." If that's the case you'll find yourself in a kind of purgatory—a state of limbo where you have some of what you want from a person, but not everything. And that thing that's missing—it can eat away at your gut.
Stop drinking the "friends with benefits" Cool Aid
"Friends with benefits" is a myth. There can be no such thing. Once the sex starts, by definition you're no longer friends. What are you then? Hooking up, casually dating, non-exclusive—the key is, you are no longer simply "friends." Your life will be a whole lot less complicated if you stop trying to preserve the friendship and realize you're hooking up since "friends with benefits" is an impossibility!
Loose the exes
Are you one of those people who try to stay friends with your exes? You still text, still IM, still meet up. A few leftover exes here and there is no problem. However, if you've got a gaggle of used-to-bes surrounding you or you find yourself overspending your time on one high maintenance ex, start to figure out why. Are you hiding in the dead-end friend zone? Keeping your exes around creates a buffer that new potential dates can't get through. It's you living in the past and not moving on to your future.
Forget friends first
If your goal is really to get out of the dead-end friend zone, you've got to let go of the idea of being "friends first" and seeing what develops later. About three quarters of you probably gasped right now and are saying to yourselves, "No way, friends first is the best way of starting a foundation to a lasting romantic relationship." Wrong!
Starting out as friends is the best way of starting a foundation to a lasting friendship! Now about two thirds of you are thinking this means you are going to have to rush into a relationship and have sex before you're ready. No, it absolutely doesn't. Try dating and taking it slowly rather than labeling yourself as some platonic companion to someone with whom you have chemistry.
Realize your love interest is not your "best friend"
So many people say they want to marry their best friend. Seems simple enough, but the glitch is that a marriage partner is so much more than a best friend. Attraction,\ and romance up the ante. So if you are looking for a long-term love, look for someone to date, not a best friend.
Don't forget to flirt
Friends don't flirt; love interests do. If you like someone, don't act like a buddy. Instead, show off your seductive moves. Wear something that says, "I put effort into this." Give some good eye contact, insert some compliments into your emails, and come to the game with a hot, "I'm more than 'just a friend'" attitude.
Ask for what you want
You may be unconsciously setting yourself up for being "just friends." If all you are truly looking for is a friend, than that's fine. But don't put all this stuff on your profile that leads people into thinking all you want is friends, when in your heart of hearts you want more. Don't be afraid to say, "I'm interested in dating." You won't get what you want if you don't ask for it.
Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C. is a psychotherapist, doctor of education, and author of Profiling Your Date: A Smart Woman's Guide to Evaluating a Man.
