Dear Angela,

I couldn't help but write you when I read your last column about long-distance relationships. See, I'm in one of my own, and I don't wanna be anymore. Funny thing, but being apart from my boyfriend has made me realize how much more relaxed and happy I am without him. Absence has not made this heart grow fonder.

We've been together a long time–almost four years–and we lived together for two. I've thought about breaking up with him before, but it always seemed so complicated and scary, having to move out of our place and, honestly, pay all the bills by myself, and also just not have that comfort of being in a relationship. So even though I've felt less than excited about the relationship for a while, I've been kind of stuck in it.

Then, six months ago, my boyfriend's job transferred him down to L.A., a five-hour drive from where I still live, in our old place. We take turns visiting each other one weekend each a month, and honestly, I just find myself dreading those weekends, and not wanting to bother with the drive. Recently, he and I agreed that I should get a roommate to help cover the rent, and now that I have one, I think I'm finally ready to call this baby done.

So here's my question: What's crueler, making him come up next weekend as planned so I can break up with him in person, or doing it over the phone? Either way, it's gonna suck, and I don't think he's gonna like it. Truthfully, I'd rather just do it over the phone, but I worry that this is the worst way ever to break up with someone. My friends are pretty split on this issue. Angela, can you call it?

– Over It in Oakland


Dearest OIO,

Back when I was younger, more idealistic, and more naïve, I would've given you a different answer to this question. And back then, my answer would've been no, no way, under no circumstances can you end a significant relationship over the phone. I would've been wrong.

The truth is, it's not about the exact strategies you use in a breakup, it's about the intention and tone and care that you use. So I say choose the method in which you can be the most respectful–both of yourself and your boyfriend. Choose the method in which you can be the most gentle, the least blaming, the most caring. And then let the chips fall where they may.


So, given your situation and your preferences, here's what I'd do: I'd email your boyfriend and ask him if you can set up a time to talk on the phone about your relationship. Tell him that you have some concerns, and that you'd really like to talk about them at a time when neither of you is rushed or tired or hungry or distracted. Let him know you want to have a caring, honest conversation about what's been on your mind lately.

Then, in the conversation itself, reassure him that you care about him, and that the reason you wanted to have this conversation over the phone was because you felt you could be your best self this way. Like many people in the process of having their relationship dissolved, your boyfriend may kick and scream and put up a fuss. And he may try to put the screws to you for doing this over the phone. If he does, reassure him and yourself that you've chosen this approach with the very best of intentions. Let him know that you didn't want him to travel all that way, just to have to go through a break up and turn around and go home. No matter what he says, just be gentle with him and yourself, and continue to honor your respectful intentions.

Fiber Optic Kisses,

Angela

P.S. Wanna chime in? What about email breakups? IMs? Texts? Share your high-tech breakup stories with The Naked Truth.

Angela is a semi-official love guru and the author of five books, including Talk to Me: Conversation Tips for the Small-Talk Challenged and Love Tune-Ups: 52 Ways to Open Your Heart and Make Sparks Fly.