Dear Angela,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and I think he’s the absolute bee’s knees. He’s sweet, he’s trustworthy, he’s fun, and he cooks. While we’re still too young to be thinking about forever, I can’t help but wonder if someday he might be the one.

Trouble is, he just moved 800 miles away to go to business school. We talked for a second about me moving with him, but I have a great job and all my family and friends are here. But we just couldn’t bear to break up, even though my parents think that’s the only practical thing to do. Do you think it’s possible to keep things going for the next two years, even though we’re so far apart?

– Ditched in Denver


Dearest DID,

The first (and easiest) answer to your question is that anything’s possible, especially when it comes to love. The two of you can indeed have an awesome, easeful, super-fun, absolutely satisfying long-distance relationship (LDR). But the real question you might both want to ask yourselves, at this starting point and at regular intervals along the way: Is this strategy of being in an LDR bringing us both joy?

A lot of times, especially in romantic relationships, it can be easy to get all tangled up in “should's” instead of focusing on what’s meeting your needs. Doing what you think you should might lead you to decide at the outset to try to make this work for the next two years, and then do all kinds of things you don’t actually enjoy to make that happen. That approach is a recipe for disaster, a breakup, or at the very least a relationship which feels more like a burden than a joyful contribution to your life. And we don’t want that for either of you.

For some relationships, space allows things to grow and deepen and find new outlets for exploration. And for others, the distance brings up all sorts of stresses and problems that sap the fun right outta things. Here are two tips to help you fall into the later category:

Be creative and open-minded. Explore what combination of ways to connect feels best to both of you, including but definitely not limited to phone chats, texts, emails, Skype sessions, handwritten love letters and other mailings; visits however often seems reasonable; and meetups at some midpoint or other fun destination. If one approach never seems to work, either because it’s not fun or it makes you feel sad or lonely or jealous, keep trying other approaches until you find what works for both of you.

Be open to whatever happens. If in three months you find that you’re having all kinds of fights and hurt feelings, or that one or both of you is feeling too lonely or bored or cranky about how rarely you see each other, be willing to say (or hear) that it isn’t working. And then reassess: would you rather move to be with him, or take a break, with the idea that you’ll check back with each other in three months to reassess how that’s working, or ramp up the in-person visits, or try some other strategy that seems like it might be more joyful? Work together to carve out your own best happiness, even if that means making the tough call to break up.

While your parents may have a set idea of whether or not an LDR is a good idea, the great thing about being an adult is that you get to try things for yourself. Just reassure them that you’re gonna try out the LDR and see how it feels. Let them know that you’re exploring what approach might bring both you and your boyfriend optimal love and happiness, and that you’re open to whatever you discover along the way.

Faraway Kisses,
Angela

P.S. What’s the best way to make an LDR work? Share your do’s (and don’ts) with The Naked Truth.

Angela is a semi-official love guru and the author of five books, including Talk to Me: Conversation Tips for the Small-Talk Challenged and Love Tune-Ups: 52 Ways to Open Your Heart and Make Sparks Fly.