Puking on chivalry
During a party scene in the hit movie, Superbad, there’s a poignant moment when this sweet, inexperienced teenage guy is trying to respect and woo a girl he’s had a longstanding crush on. However, she’s so sloppy drunk and so busy trying to get in his pants that she doesn’t notice. He tells her he respects her too much to have sex when she’s drunk. He tells her she’s beautiful and how much he likes her. And all this poor girl can do is yell at him and throw up.
The easy way out is to blame a decline in chivalrous and wooing behaviors on men. Yet, when you carefully look, both sexes share responsibility equally. Men need to know how to woo and women need to know how to let them.
Sex before the relationship
In a lot of ways, the hookup is the antithesis of romance because the sexual experience comes before anything else. According to Kathleen A. Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus, "In the dating era, students would go on a date, which might lead to something sexual happening; in the hookup era, students hook up, which might lead to dating."
The idea of dating, which is a planned, formal, romantic process, is quickly becoming old school. According to a study by Child Trends, more high school seniors say they never date than seniors who say they date frequently. Why? Because they’re hooking up instead of dating.
We want it now!
The way we date now seems to mirror modern technology. It’s about immediacy. Before voicemail, email, cell phones, IM’ing, and texting, you basically had to call the person several days ahead of time to set up a date. Now, you can text or IM someone to meet you right now–no waiting, no planning. You don’t have to allow for time in the process. The advantage: You can date more people, which gives you more chances to find what you’re looking for. The disadvantage: Less candlelight and fewer sunsets. You don’t take the time to think, is this person special? Is this someone I want to get to know?
What is chivalry really about?
Some people argue that romance and chivalry still exist; they just exist in a different form. Instead of opening doors, buying flowers, and sunset strolls on the beach, it’s about treating women equally, respecting them, and respecting yourself. But can’t equality come with flowers too?
It’s your choice
The fact is, even in an age of hookups, casual sex, and sexting (taking sexually revealing photos of yourself and sending them, usually via cell phone), romance and chivalry aren’t dead unless you say they are. You can make it happen either way. If you’re a guy who wants to woo, act on it. You’ll find women who will respond. If you’re a woman who wants to be wooed, you need to expect that from men you go out with. Don’t lower your expectations. You’ll find what you’re looking for–they are out there.
When searching for profiles on FriendFinder.com, look for clues to their feelings about romance. Does the guy’s profile say that he’s the old-fashioned type or that he likes to treat a woman like a lady? Does the woman’s profile say that she likes to go out with the type of guy who opens doors and likes romance?
For those of you who think that old-style romance is a waste of time, think about some of your own unique ways of making someone feel special.
Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C. is a psychotherapist, doctor of education, and author of Profiling Your Date: A Smart Woman's Guide to Evaluating a Man. Find her online at profilingyourdate.com.