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My Magazine > Editors Archive > cat4 > Not-So-Casual Flings & Chemical Imbalances
Not-So-Casual Flings & Chemical Imbalances   by Josey Vogels

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Dear Josey,

My buddy and I both like the same woman. One night when she and I were just hanging out as friends, she told me she liked my buddy and wanted to know if I thought he'd be interested in dating her. I was devastated but kept it together and told her I didn't know, but that I'd find out for her. I didn't want to, but decided I had to tell my buddy this. He said he wouldn't date her if it bothered me too much, but I feel like it would be unfair to stop the two of them from going out. On the other hand, I can't imagine having to see them together all the time. What should I do? -Friendship Circle

Dear Friendship,


Well, doesn't that just suck. It's very big of you to tell your buddy that this woman likes him. Not that this woman wouldn't find other ways to let him know she was into him. But at least this way you and your friend could talk about it. It's also big of him to say he wouldn't date her if you don't want him to. I've always tried to live by the "don't date guys other friends have dated and don't date guys other friends like" rule. But it's tough sometimes. We want our friends to be happy. What if this is the perfect woman for him? Denying him a happy relationship because you can't have what he can feels selfish. But having to be constantly reminded of it by watching the two of them staring googly eyed at each other across the table also blows.

What to do? It's not like you can date this woman if he agrees not to. That would be really crummy of you. And, let's face it, it would also be pretty crummy to deny your friend potential happiness. But perhaps you could find a compromise. If you tell your friend to go ahead and date this woman, you could ask him if he could keep their relationship away from you, at least until you can get used to the idea. If things really click with them, I'm confident that seeing the two of them legitimately happy together will help you get over your crush on her. On the other hand, if they date each other and it turns out to be a disaster, you won't have to watch any of the mushy stuff and your friendship will have remained well enough intact that lucky you will get to help pick up the pieces. That is, as long as you don't decide to take this opportunity to try and pick up his now ex-girlfriend.


Dear Josey,

I've been dating this woman for a few weeks and we have tons of physical chemistry but every time we get together, we seem to have nothing to talk about and it's really awkward until we start making out. Is it possible to be totally physically attracted to someone but be otherwise be totally incompatible? Or do you think that if we stick it out, we'll eventually feel more comfortable together and be able to have a normal conversation? -Chemically Imbalanced?

Dear Chemically,


It's funny because so many people suffer the opposite problem. They're compatible with someone in every way but there is just no physical chemistry so they just can't make it work. But physical chemistry, while an essential element in every relationship, is really only a tiny percentage of what makes two people make it for the long haul. It is possible to be totally physically attracted to someone you're otherwise not compatible with but eventually, the physical stuff calms down and you actually have to have the occasional conversation (at least until you're comfortable enough to sit in each other's silence). Will that simply come in time while you keep at it like rabbits? Hard to say.

It's normal to have some awkwardness early in a relationship. But if you've truly got nothing to say to each other this early in the game, you might have a bit of a problem. Unless you both can accept that yours is a purely physical relationship and you're realistic about it and realize its limitations and can simply enjoy it while it lasts.

Dear Josey,

Last year, I had an intense involvement with a 24-year-old woman (I'm 35) who left to travel for six months. When she left, we didn't make any promises, but continued to maintain the intensity long distance. Then she started to get distant and say things like "we'll have to see how we feel when I get back" and that she needed to feel free while she was away and I was getting too serious. I was hurt and, in a dumb dramatic angry gesture, I sent everything she had ever given me ‒ pictures, letters, CDs and books - to her home here. After a few unpleasant email exchanges, we've been having some diplomatic correspondence again and I apologized for my anger. I know objectively that I've already marred what should have been a completely free travel experience for her. And after writing all this, I realize that I should tell her about the package right away and that my lingering hopes that she still wants to be with me are what is making me hesitate. And that all the drama is due to the fact that I'm not over her and that I couldn't just say, "you hurt me like hell." Still, I would really appreciate some advice. -Feeling the Intensity

Dear Feeling,


Sure makes you wonder why they call them "casual" relationships doesn't it? I once had a "casual" relationship like this. We got involved with each other, both fresh off of long-term relationships, and neither of us was looking for anything serious. The problem was, while we were trying to be all casual about things, we were crazy about each other.

This kind of thing is almost harder than being in a non-casual relationship because it has all the intensity and drama, without any of the relationship rules. No one can say "I'm falling in love with you," and no one can say "you're hurting me" so instead we make goofy, overly dramatic non verbal gestures like sending packages containing everything the other person has ever given us. It just about did us in. We were locked in a come-here-go-away dance for about six months - until we decided to stop the madness, accept that there is never a "perfect time" to fall in love and gave the thing a serious go.

We're married now.

I'm not saying that you should get your hopes up that your traveling friend will come home, realize she wants a real relationship and the two of will ride off into the sunset. In my case, we were lucky that we both realized we wanted to be with each other. You can only be responsible for your side of the equation. But you need to be honest and come clean about what you want. If you want to give this a serious go, you need to tell her. She may not want the same thing and you have to be prepared for that and let her go if she doesn't. But better to be honest with yourself and with her and find out where things stand than live in casual relationship purgatory.