Dear Josey,

I have a bit of a shyness problem when it comes to passing a guy on the street that I call it the "bolt" effect. I'll be walking down the street, looking put together, and a passing guy will makes eye contact and, if I'm lucky, flashes me a smile. It would all be fantastic if it didn't cause me to immediately look down or away or even bolt to the other side of the street! I just freeze in these situations. What are you supposed to do? Smile back and then what? Stop? Say hello? What if you're walking in opposite directions? Wouldn't it be weird to just stop? Please help me out here! -Feeling Like A Bolting Dolt

Dear Bolting Dolt,

Most of us are raised being told not to talk to strangers, so why would you expect to suddenly feel the urge to walk up to some guy you don't know on the street and say, "Hey, how ya doing cutie, wanna get some coffee?" It doesn't help that we live in a society where most of us walk down the street pretending other people don't exist and doing everything possible to avoid even looking at each other, never mind having any interaction. It's kind of sad that we're like this but there you go.

So, I don't think you're that unusual (though "bolting" to the other side of the street may be a tad over the top.) But if you'd like to become unusual and actually interact with people out there in the world (something I recommend at all times if you're looking to meet someone), start with baby steps.

Next time a guy smiles at you, force yourself to smile back without worrying about the "and then what" part. Just do that little thing and see how it feels. Most of the time, that's all the person wants. A little returned acknowledgement; a little basic human interaction to brighten up both your days. Next time, take the next step and look back once you pass each other. If he looks back too, flash another smile and keep going. Again, don't worry about "and then what." Just that little flirtation can bolster you both.

After you've done that a few times and you happen to pass a total hottie, heck, why not get real bold and turn around, walk up to him and say, "Hey, how you doing? I'd love to grab a coffee sometime. You game?" Trust me, most guys would be grateful to you for doing what he probably wants to but is equally too shy or scared to do.


Dear Josey,

Several women I've dated have told me after dating them that I'm a player who's just in it for the chase. I have to admit that I seem to meet women, be totally attracted to them and then, once they agree to go out with me and start getting into me, I lose interest. I've always just figured that this was because these women simply weren't "the one" but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. Do you think I just haven't met the right person or do you think there's something else going on here? Why do I always lose interest once a woman is interested in me? -Losing Interest Too Easily

Dear Losing,

It's called The Thrill of the Chase, my friend. And you're not the only one who gets his kicks from it. Many of us – some would say men, more so than women – love the idea of winning someone over. It fills us with reassurance that we've got it, that we're attractive and that we're ultimately likeable. The problem is, once you win someone over, you need another fix. And the cycle begins again as you seek out someone new to fill you with those sensations.

This need for approval is an endless and ultimately unsatisfying cycle (except for that initial short-lived high). But, like someone who tries to get sober or kick drugs and has to get used to the dull roar of daily life without that extra kick, you have to learn to be satisfied, even occasionally excited by the day-to-day life of an actual relationship, beyond the initial chase.

That said, it could very well be that you simply haven't met someone who makes you want to stay beyond the initial chase, "the one" as you say. But she'll be a lot easier to spot if you let her stay in one place for a little while.


Send your dating dilemmas to letters@joseyvogels.com.