Dear Josey,

I haven’t little success with dating and falling in love seems even harder at 34. I’m not sure if I’m overanalyzing my dates or whether I should actually take my feelings and intuition more seriously. I tend to break things off immediately when I feel a man’s actions are uncaring or disrespectful. Little things mean a lot to me, like making sure a woman gets home safely, or keeping clean towels in the bathroom. Maybe I’ve seen too many old movies, or maybe I need to watch more reality shows but gallant men seem hard to find. Someone once told me that if you truly love someone you take the bad with the good. Maybe when I finally find love I won’t let the bad things turn me off. I don’t know. Are little things a sign of bigger problems, or do I simply have a problem with attachment?

Gallantly Waiting


Dear Gallantly,

I’m with you on the bad behaviour. I don’t need a guy to lay his coat down over a puddle for me, but a little conscientiousness goes a long way. That goes for women also. I think that in our stressful, time-challenged, what’s-in-it-for-me culture, we’re forgetting how to treat one another kindly. And, frankly, I don’t think reality TV is doing us any favours in that department. Of course, old movies go a little too far in the other direction, creating a romantic vision of love that’s in soft-focus, black and white. I think the true reality lies in between. No one should put up with bad behaviour in any relationship. That said, a dirty towel once in a while should hardly be considered a sign of mental cruelty. I feel like a broken record but once again, relationships are a fine balance between compromise, acceptance, communication and kindness. And getting into them requires a healthy balance of having your guard up while leaving yourself open. Which is why it’s tough. And why you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for not having nailed it by 34. You’re hardly over the hill honey. So you didn’t fall in love and get married at 20. Given the statistics, you’ve probably saved yourself going through a divorce now. Yes, you get more set in your ways as you get older but you also know better what you want and aren’t willing to settle, which is good. So keep your standards up and the radar on. Just try not to worry that there’s a speed trap around every corner.





Dear Josey,

I've had a steady girlfriend for the past four years and I am very happy with her. I cheated on my ex-girlfriend with my current one, which is how we got together. The problem is that my ex has never really gone away. She keeps in touch with me, shows interest in my life, even asks about my relationship with my current girlfriend. There's really no problem at this point, and, as long as I'm good, there shouldn’t be. I try and keep my distance by keeping the conversations very general and the phone calls very short. I’ve let this continue, in part, because I cheated on her, and feel guilty. I don’t miss being with her but I don't have it in me to tell her to leave me alone, like many people have told me I should. I’ve never really had an ex-girlfriend and I’m not sure how do deal with them. How should I handle this?

Association By Feeling Guilty


Dear Association,

There’s one line that jumps out from your letter like a big old red flag: “There’s really no problem at this point, and, as long as I’m good, there shouldn’t be.” “As long as I’m good?” If you don’t miss being with her, why should there be any question of you being other than “good” if I presume by “good” you mean not ending up in bed with her.
It’s perfectly normal to be friends with an ex (I know lots of people don’t agree, but having remained friends with a few of my exes, I’m living proof) but it only works once you’re sure the relationship is absolutely and positively over.
It’s not really any of your friends’ business as friends can never really know what’s going on between two people but my suspicions are raised by the fact that they are telling you to tell her to back off. If her contact was indeed as innocent as you imply, I’m not sure they’d be so concerned.
Sounds like both they and a little part of you worry that things aren’t really over with your ex and that her keen interest in your life is a way of keeping you in her life and vice versa. The fact that you have to work so hard – consciously steering conversations, keeping calls short, while all good things, point to a less-than-healthy “ex relationship.”
You don’t have to tell her to leave you alone entirely. Just delicately say that while you do hope the two of you can become actual friends one day, things are still a little too fresh and you need some distance so you can focus on your current situation. She probably won’t like it, but she’ll lump it. And you’ll be respecting all parties involved, including yourself. After all, you don’t say how your current gal feels about your contact with your ex. Or maybe you’re not telling her. Another sign you need to cut her off, at least for now.
This is why people tell you to end one thing before starting another. It overcomplicates things. And ending up in the relationship with the person with whom you cheated always leaves you with a “potential cheater” flag hanging over your head. Whish is never much fun.





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