Dear Dating Girl,
I've been in a relationship with a really nice guy for about nine months now. The only thing we've ever argued about is that, even though it's been over a year since he broke up with his last girlfriend -- whom he dated for two years -- he still has various artifacts from their relationship scattered around his cluttered room -- things I know he's
only kept because they're from her. I know he'd never cheat on me, but it's kind of unnerving to look up while getting it on and see his ex girlfriend’s hair clip lying around. He says the relationship has faded into the background in his mind so these things mean nothing but he knows they bother me so why doesn’t he make more of an effort to get rid of them? I wonder if I’m making too big a deal out of this. Or maybe I’m jealous because I don’t have many mementoes from past relationships, none of which have lasted as long as this one. What should I do?
Tired of Facing His Past
Dear Tired,
I hardly think your problem is that you don’t have more hair clips from your past relationships, though you may well feel threatened by the fact that this is your longest relationship, while his with this woman lasted two years. You’ve only got nine months on her two years and her stuff may be a constant reminder of that. But regardless of why it bothers you, it bothers you and you’re right, even if he claims it means nothing (or especially if it means nothing) , he should be respectful of this and ditch her stuff. Or at least put it somewhere that you won’t see it while you’re getting it on. It’s fine to keep a few token items as reminders of past relationships. I’ve never believed in erasing one’s past. It’s what makes us who we are in the present. But generally these things have some significance. Unless they shared elaborate hair doing rituals, a hairclip isn’t exactly keepsake material.
Ask him why he keeps this crap around. If he says it doesn’t mean anything, ask him to clear it out, or at least clear it out of your sight. If he’s simply a packrat who can’t clear his clutter, tell him you’ll be happy to help. If he still can’t do it, methinks the relationship hasn’t faded as far into the background as he says it is.
Dear Dating Girl,
I am a divorced mother in my 40s with two pre-teen children. Several months after leaving my husband, I began dating a man, and we have been together for over a year and a half, and things are great. We see each other every night - except on the weekends he has his children. He has two children from a previous marriage the same age as my kids and they all get along. We have discussed moving in together, which for me, would not only be financially beneficial but would also give us more time together. I also have to admit that I would like to have a man around the house and a more traditional family life. I am aware of the pitfalls of creating a blended family but I think this is a workable situation. He says we’re partners in a committed, loving relationship, but that he is just not ready to co-habit and doesn’t see any benefits in it for him. Although I respect his decision not to want to move in, how long does one wait? I don't want to end up spending the next 10 years waiting for something that will never happen.
Moving In or Moving On
Dear Moving,
At least you’re being honest about what you want. So many people can’t admit what they want for fear of pushing the other person away and end up pushing the other person away by playing martyr in the relationship because they’re giving up what they want for the other person. I know relationships require some compromise, but compromising on the biggies like whether you live together or not is a little tougher than letting him sleep with the window open when you like it closed. You want to live together. He says he’s not ready. But will he ever be? You’re smart not to want to wait 10 years to find out. So don’t. Ask him now. If he says no, you’re right, you have to respect his decision. But you have to respect yourself and decide whether you can accept that (without playing martyr or using it as ammo) or not. You can’t change his mind, but you can decide if you want to change your own. Could you be happy in this relationship without living together? If he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready, again, tell him you respect that but only if he can respect that you can’t wait forever. Give him a time frame of say six months or a year and then let it go. No bugging him every two days to see if he’s made up his mind yet. When the times’s up, make him make up his mind, and then, depending on which way he goes, you can make up yours.
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