It seems that men in their twenties are less kind, imaginative, and mysterious than their teenage counterparts. Dating in general has therefore been less thrilling because many men won’t even attempt to plan a nice date, let alone hide the fact that they are really jerks in nice guys' clothing. I’ve been stood up, let down, and even expected, in some cases, to pay the tab! Flowers and gift giving have essentially ceased, unless offered as atonement for sins. Plus, men are more sexually demanding, as many have had one-night stands by now. Suddenly, they expect to make it to home base after the first pitch. Thus, the fact that I’m a slow runner is rarely respected. All of this has robbed me of my once pleasant outlook on dating.
I am extremely thankful for my current soon-to-be wed status, for the mere thought of being thrust back into the dating pool frightens me. I’m sure some of my former dates would say that I’m exaggerating, and blame my miserable encounters on my “hard-to-please nature,” but I’m not convinced that I’m the picky malcontent they proclaim. Determined to prove my critics wrong, I decided to ask some friends and acquaintances if their dating lives had changed over the years and why. I was also curious to see what people felt contributed to the way dating changes over the years. What I learned has made me realize that in spite of the critical eye and aloof dating practices I exercised in my twenties, I'm not such a sourpuss after all:
• “Over the years, dating has become less of a game and more of a chore. It was a lot of fun as a kid, doing everything for the first time and learning about how to attract a woman. As I got older and more focused on my career, finding somebody that shared my ambition became important, so I looked at what a woman had going on upstairs just as much as the physical. I’m divorced after ten years of marriage and two kids. Nowadays, I’m focused on raising my kids, so I’m not looking for someone to marry. I just want a companion and someone that my kids would like to be around. The best thing about dating now is that for some reason, it's a lot easier for me to be honest than it was when I was younger. Honesty helps a lot when you are looking for warning signs in a person, like being needy, greedy, and stubborn. The only problem I face is juggling the role of parent, employee, and dating, while trying to find time to do what I want.”‒Richard, suddenly single, age 39
• “It seems that society tells us that we should be dating, and that everyone is dating, which I don’t necessarily find to be true. I’ve always been focused on school, and I didn’t date in my teens. Now that I’m in grad school, it seems to be even harder to date and meet people. One must definitely put more effort into dating as they get older and become more ambitious, than they do in their teens.”–Sharifa, single, age 26
• “Lack of consistent transportation, employment, and women interested in dates that seldom involved less than three people kept the teenage me in the loser's circle. My twenties were different, as they included several long term and very healthy relationships, due in large part to personal growth in college and early employment experiences. I think the fundamental difference between men and women as they progress through their twenties is that men often spend those years trying to find themselves, while women are searching for their life partner and are thinking about motherhood. In my thirties, I have been very direct and up front with women about everything, including letting them know that I'm not interested in getting married now. Some women respect that and others seem to think that they can change me. I'm not interested in being the consummate bachelor until I'm forty. I just have some very involved and demanding professional projects that consume most of my time. I've had very healthy relationships and I know what they require, but since I'm not in a position to make those commitments and sacrifices, I limit my dating.”–Andre, single, age 33
• “Financially, teen boys don't have as much money to take young girls out, so I experienced nicer dates in my twenties. I was pretty naive in my teens and unaware of how manipulative boys could be. Later, in my mid to late twenties, I was looking for a man that I could settle down with, so I was much more into the character of the individual rather than the shallow things I was consumed with in my teens and early twenties (like looks). I think when you're younger, you’re not thinking of long-term goals. That is why in retrospect, dating added up to a lot of wasted time for me. Yet, there were of course many lessons that I learned along the way. I see how people can become jaded in their later twenties and thirties due to numerous disappointing dating experiences.” ‒Ayana, newlywed, age 30
• “When I was younger, I chased all the pretty girls, but none of them gave me the time of day. As I got older, I calmed down a bit, and it was then that I became more successful in my pursuits. Thus, I believe that teenagers are too eager and move too fast, while twentysomethings learn to pace themselves. By thirty, one should therefore know how to balance the passion of youth with the patience experience brings.” ‒ Paul, single, age 26
• “I didn't date in my teens, but from the outside looking in, I thought I was missing out…until I experienced dating in my twenties. I then decided it was good that I was a late bloomer. I think dating in my teens would have been too emotional for me, because in my twenties I found the emotional side of relationships too distracting while in college. There are definitely more psychological games played in the twenties that I found very irritating, because it meant that most people were not honest about their intentions. In my thirties, dating has become more serious. I find that men are very clear about their intentions whether it be marriage or ‘freelancing,’ and I appreciate them for being upfront about their wants, likes and dislikes. In fact, I find that most men are quick to look deeper into my personality and lifestyle so that they can quickly assess whether or not we should continue dating. It's refreshing to date in my thirties because there is less static, and I can quickly read the ‘phonies’ and run fast in the other direction!”–*Shelah, single, age 33
• “I didn’t really date in my teens (like go out), although I did have a few girlfriends. I was very shy, which didn’t help things, because women perceived that as lacking confidence. Plus, I was smart and not very popular, and girls at that time seemed to be interested in popular guys with flashy things. Back then, girls would tell me that I was too nice. I gained more confidence in college, which helped me as I began dating in my twenties. Also, women’s expectations seemed to change, which also helped, as they became more interested in what I had to offer in terms of a relationship–although some still say that I’m too nice.” ‒ Terance, single, age 27
• “In general, dating doesn’t seem to be much different than it was when I was younger. I dated older women when I was a teen, and I had a lot of fun. When you’re young, you aren’t looking for anything serious, which is why it’s easier to be carefree about it. In my early twenties, I did start looking for something more serious though, and that’s when I fell in love and got married. However, things didn’t work out, and I got divorced eight years later. Dating is good now, because I’m more mature. Plus, I’m not looking to get married again anytime soon, so I’m having fun like I did in my teens. Yet, the downside is that it seems that women don’t care as much about men’s feelings these days as they did when I was younger.”–Wilber, suddenly single, age 35
Alas, I’m not alone; for everyone I surveyed has noticed significant changes in their dating life throughout the years. I know that after getting my heart broken for the first time in my late teens, my view of men and relationships changed for the worse. In my bitter days, I started to see men as one-dimensional creatures that were ruled by their small second head and large egos. This warped view caused me to date men that ranked significantly below my usually high standards, and I guess since I didn’t expect much, I didn’t receive much. Who knows, since our attitudes appear to be consequential of our experiences (and vice versa), maybe some of the guys I dated were burned by girls in their teens, causing them to become more selfish and less accommodating in adulthood.
The great Latin poet Horace once said, “Life is largely a matter of expectation.” I guess that’s why I wasn’t able to find my Prince Charming until I changed my outlook and finally let go of some of the resentment I was harboring toward men. Not all my respondents shared the negative outlook of my darkest dating days, of course, but the general consensus seems to be that as we get older, we can lose track of the fun of dating. On the other hand, when we let in a small ray of our carefree days, so that a hint of the fun returns, it seems to bring good dating luck with it.
*=names have been changed.
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(Halima)