| Little Johnny what a cute kid |
Jan 19, 2007 6:08 pm Mood: cheerful, 898 Views |  | Little Johnny what a cute kid Body: Little Johnny
Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either". |
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1 comment | |
| Becoming Illegal |
Jan 19, 2007 1:11 am Mood: thoughtful, 857 Views |  | Becoming Illegal (from a Maryland resident to his senator) (I am thinking about sending a version of this to MY senators!)
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes Senate Office Building 309 Hart Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate, and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, Pete McG.............
Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!! |
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| I see stupid people |
Jan 18, 2007 1:05 pm Mood: happy, 811 Views |  | Posted in a group I belong to:
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? ?? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo) !
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha....I needed that! |
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| Evaluation of my last year |
Jan 18, 2007 1:17 am Mood: adventurous, 732 Views |  | I have been thinking hard about my life since I started dating again. I really like this lady I am with now and hope it works, but I have had so many failures in the past that I am scared.
Since my wife got knocked up and left me I was in a deep depression for a few months. Kind of a shock to the system!
It took about five months before I was feeling very sociable again. A friend told me that since I was relatively new to my area and a stay at home dad for most of that time I should try looking online for a date. Turns out there is a good reason most of these ladies are single!
There are quite a few good ones, but sorting through the others is HARD! I met a few who frankly scared me. Another couple seemed possible, but did not pan out. One was living in the trailer next to her mothers and had grown up in that trailer park. One was heavier than I am! (I do like a woman with meat on her bones, but not THAT much.) One had razor stubble on her cheek when I hugged her hello. (Ewwww!) One turned out to have a drug problem. (I teach first responders. Not a good thing!)
I did find one who is almost everything I want! But she has a severe love for her very abusive and controlling ex. She only left because of her three daughters who were starting to get some of the attention. I still have a little crush, but I think that is just because I still bump into her all over. She just lives three miles down the road and drives past on her way into town. She is really nice, but not the One. I want the One. (In full disclosure, she once asked what I am really looking for in a new relationship. The letter I wrote is what I use on my profile here. It is modified, minorly, due to dates I have had since then.)
I then went through a bunch of the locals. Only a few came even close to being datable. One wanted me to protect her from her husband who was getting out of prison. One wanted me because I am a Marine and she needs, um, very physical rough love. (NOT for me!) Many have never been married and are very sweet, but not really marriage material. Too independent for one thing! Funny how they are really nice and even desirable, but not something I would want to live with.
I discovered that the vast majority of desirable ladies are already taken. (Smart husbands!) There are some who had real jerks of husbands and are now available, but they tend to have a fear of commitment. Jerks messed them up good. A few widows are really nice, but they have minor issues too. Too many are looking for a replacement that has all the good qualities of the deceased with a few improvements. I do not want to be a replacement. I am me, not him!
Dating has many hazards! I started to look back at my premarriage days of a decade ago and look at what I liked and did not like. Not a good list! I was different then. Not a bad guy, but not the same as I am now. But it is still a list of things that have been right and wrong in the past and therefore something to work with.
Finally I gave up. I still have on woman who calls, emails and IMs weekly to see if I want to get back together. A couple of others who admit they like me but know I am not interested in anything past friendship still send me messages occasionally.
That is when I joined FF. I was on FriendFinder and met many locals, but not the One I want. So I joined here and BigChurch. Quit the religious one because there was only one local gal. On here there are no real local ladies either, but I decided that the people here are nice and I like many of them.
I think that the best way to find someone is to stop looking! I was on here for a couple of months when I noticed that one of the ladies was becoming more than just a friend. I am still amused by this! It kind of surprised me. I really like another couple of ladies, but they just do not attract me like this one does. I have even found a girl on here who brings out a weird big brother side of me. (I am the oldest of seven and have three of each kind of sibling. I am used to being a big brother! But I have only had a handful of girls bring this out in the past. I am still in contact with all but one. And she is the 'sister' I miss the most.)
I do fear finally meeting this wonderful lady I have found though. After so many disappointments it is easy to wonder if I am just going to be hurt again. I do not really think so though! Dating the locals I would chat for a few weeks and then meet and get disappointed. This lady I have been talking to for months. I feel very comfortable with her! We talk about almost everything. She has completed my thoughts while I was still typing them. Even on the phone! It is kind of scary that she lives in my head like that. But fun too
I do worry a little, still, that I am putting to much faith in one lady. I think we have a great chance! I am taking it slow and carefully. If it does not work I do not want to be hurt! I am fairly sure that this will work, but I am allowing a little doubt to remain.
I think I have come a long way in the last year. I was scared and damaged. I am not fully healed yet, but I am starting to see that the end might be in sight. I sure hope so!
I pray that this year will be better than I hope. I know it will be better than the last two years!
Well, this post is mainly for me. It is also for the three ladies on here that I feel have really connected with me. The rest of you are just allowed a picture of me that I rarely allow. I trust the people that come to my blog like family. Thanks for being here while I heal. |
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7 Comments | |
| Amazing Deck of Cards (Warning: Contains prayer!) |
Jan 17, 2007 11:04 am Mood: thankful, 705 Views |  | Amazing Deck of Cards
It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.
The young soldier knew it was Sunday.
As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.
Just then an army sergeant came in and said, "Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?"
The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."
The sergeant said, "Looks to me like you're going to play cards."
The soldier sad , "No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,
I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."
The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"
"You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
The Five is for the five virgins there were ten, but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives - the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards - there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"
Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting.
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Prayer for the Military
Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on...
Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.
Protect them.
Bless them and their families.
I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
Amen.
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.
There is nothing attached, but this can be very powerful
Of all the gifts you could give a Soldier, prayer is the very best one |
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7 Comments | |
| A morning laugh |
Jan 17, 2007 12:40 am Mood: handsome, 762 Views |  | Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found..
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." =============================================================
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
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| God and the Harley |
Jan 17, 2007 12:36 am Mood: contemplative, 666 Views |  | God and the Harley The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours |
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| Dear Alcohol |
Jan 9, 2007 12:35 am Mood: drunk, 881 Views |  | Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectric eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have \bsexo?\b. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing 6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out 7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night 8. Dance? No I should't I should just sit here in the barstool. |
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| Big 50 |
Jan 8, 2007 11:10 pm Mood: cheerful, 824 Views |  | NO! I am not this old! This is just my 50th post on my blog!
For this I thought I would do something a little different. No silly kid stories, no goofy Marine stories or jokes. Instead I am just going to copy a letter I am sending to the Secretary of the Navy. See? I can be serious! Besides, Kansas City is having a big celebration for him this summer. Anyone want to go with me? 
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Robert A. Heinlein's 100th birthday will occur July 7th, 2007... the perfect time to announce that a DDG-1000/Zumwalt class destroyer will be named for him.
Robert A. Heinlein was one of the most influential writers of the 20th century. At one time or another, his book Starship Troopers has been on the required reading list of all three service academies. In recognition of Heinlein’s influence on readers who would later become scientists and engineers, the NASA Medal for Distinguished Public Service was awarded to him posthumously in 1988.
Heinlein, Naval Academy class of 1929, always considered himself to be a Naval Officer, one who happened to have had to make his living as a writer after being invalided out of the Navy in the mid-1930s because of tuberculosis. His influence within the Navy can be illustrated in part by the establishment of the Robert A. Heinlein Chair in Aerospace Engineering at the Naval Academy, and by his being invited by the midshipmen of the Naval Academy to give the 1973 Forrestal Lecture to the Brigade.
Heinlein's first ship after graduating from the Academy was U.S.S. Lexington (CV-2), at that time the Navy's most technologically advanced vessel. But his last ship, on which he proudly served, was DD-147, U.S.S. Roper – a destroyer.
It only seems fitting that a man who spent his life writing about the 21st Century should have a 21st Century destroyer named after him.
In the decades to come, many ships will be named after this inspiring pioneer and writer. But the U.S. Navy has the chance to name the first one after one of the Navy's own. The U.S.S. Robert A. Heinlein. DDG-1001. |
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| Funeral |
Jan 2, 2007 1:34 pm Mood: contemplative, 1082 Views |  | A fellow Marine had a funeral today. They played these two hymns as well as Taps. Rest in Peace.
Eternal Father Eternal Father, strong to save, Whose arm hath bound the restless wave, Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep Its own appointed limits keep; Oh, hear us when we cry to thee, For those in peril on the sea! God, who dost still the restless foam, Protect the ones we love at home. Provide that they should always be By thine own grace both safe and free. O father, hear us when we pray For those we love so far away. Eternal father, grant, we pray, To all Marines, both night and day, The courage, honor, strength, and skill Their land to serve, thy law fulfill Be thou the shield forevermore From every peril to the Corps. Marines' Hymn From the Hall of Montezuma, To the shores of Tripoli, We fight our county's battles In the air, on land and sea, First to fight for right and freedom, And to keep our honor clean; We are proud to claim the title Of United States Marine. Our flag's unfurled to ever breeze from dawn to setting sun. We have fought in every clime and place, Where we could take a gun. In the snow of far off northern lands And in sunny tropic scenes, You will always find us on the job, The United States Marines Here's health to you and to the Corps which we are proud to serve. In many a strife we've fought for life And never lost our nerve. If the Army and the Navy Ever look on heaven's scenes, They will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines. |
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| To link to this blog (quietman6706) use [blog quietman6706] in your messages. |
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