| Flood Ravaged Iowans Idiotically Move On |
Jun 27, 2008 11:06 am
Mood: envious, 190 Views | Flood Ravaged Iowans Idiotically Move On
Two weeks ago cities across Iowa were inundated by record floods. Now, as the waters recede, some Iowans are finding themselves victimized again -- by their state's self-destructive work ethic. Blogger / flood victim Dave Burge reports from the scene.
As an Iowan and the proud owner of two big screen LCDs from Coralville Rent-A-Center, I've seen my share of weather disasters. But, even with full 1080p HD, I never really stopped to think that it could happen to me. So when the floodwaters of the Iowa River reached my own home this week, I suppose I was unprepared for the devastation -- and the aftershock that my fellow Iowans would sabotage my once-in-a-lifetime golden ticket on the FEMA gravy train.
I was enjoying midmorning cocktails on the patio of my estate a few blocks from the Iowa River when I first heard the flood warnings, and when I turned on the television I saw the shocking pictures of downtown Cedar Rapids inundated by the rising Cedar river. The implication was obvious: Ka-Ching!
As many of you know I am a victim of the subprime mortgage crisis, and have been battling eviction while our do-nothing Congress holds up my bailout money. With video like that -- and with a $2 million flood insurance policy -- your old pal Dave was 24 hours away from the mother of all disaster jackpots.
With the river rising by the minute it was time to spring into action and prepare. I went to the rec room and woke up my colleague Kyle off the pool table. We drove to the Wal-Mart Supercenter to stock up on a two-day supply of Old Mil and spray paint, which I calculated would last us until the start of post-flood "discount shopping season." While we were in the checkout lane, I realized the store was eerily quiet. "Where'd everybody go?" I asked the cashier.
"The radio said to orderly evacuate to higher ground," she said. "I guess they all did."
That seemed a little weird to me, but hey, I figured shorter lines for FEMA cash cards. And less competition for the weekend free laptops at Best Buy.
After we got back to the house I called up Randy and Chuck, and invited them over to celebrate with one last pre-flood tear around the back yard on the dirt bikes. But when we finally got down to the river, we saw a man-made tragedy unfolding before our eyes: a fireline of volunteers was reinforcing the levee with sandbags.
"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled.
And the guy is like, "hey, grab a shovel and help us fill some bags." I turned and looked at Kyle, and even though he was completely baked he couldn't believe these idiots either. Luckily they loaded up in a truck and went downriver after about an hour, so Randy and I borrowed a couple Bobcat loaders from the construction site down the block and knocked a big hole in the embankment. All that was left now was to spray paint some plywood protest signs for the TV helicopters, have a few drinks, and wait for that sweet watery windfall.
The next morning I woke up on the patio with a hangover which wasn't exactly helped by Tammi Jo kicking me in the ribs. When I looked up, she was standing over me, waving an envelope.
"You forgot to pay the flood insurance bill again, didn't you."
Shit. I mean, what am I supposed to do, woman? The freaking Big Game lotto was up to $250 million last month, for crissakes. When I rolled over I saw that the river was still 15 feet from the patio, so I figured I'd have enough time to call the insurance company and have my policy reinstated. But then they give me the old shyster rigamarole -- "I'm sorry Mr. Burge, but you have to have two consecutive months coverage," bla bla bla, like I have some kind of two month flood crystal ball that will magically remind me to pay the bill.
I told the insurance lady I could pay her for the back premiums next week after I got my FEMA credit card, but she's like, "I'm sorry, that's not allowed," and when I offered to pay her today with some unused lottery tickets, she just hung up. Tammi Jo stood there on the patio glowering at me, ankle deep in the river.
"Um, they're looking into it," I said.
Over the next 24 hours I floated around downstairs on little Dakota's inflatable Spongebob pool raft, figuring that was probably safer than going upstairs where Tammi Jo was. She eventually calmed down when I explained to her the insurance thing was just a temporary setback, and that the cash airlifts and class action lawyers would be coming any day now. And, if we played our cards right, we might be looking at a three year hotel vacation in Vegas. As a peace offering I volunteered me and Kyle to take the bass boat up the Coralville Strip to do a little "bargain hunting."
I was worried we might be a little late for the good stuff, but when we moored the boat at Chuck E. Cheese and waded over to Wal Mart we discovered that the parking lot was empty and the windows were still intact. Sweet! We grabbed a couple of carts and started ramming the doors, with little effect. Luckily a couple of Coralville cops pulled up in a cruiser. "How about a little help here, man?" I asked, handing the one cop a rock. "Those flat screens aren't gonna last all day."
Guess what? He hits his stupid siren. Kyle and I hauled ass around the back and dove through the underbrush by the railroad tracks and barely got away from the two cops, who apparently wanted the Wal-Mart inventory all to themselves. "Protect and Serve," my ass.
We walked along the railroad tracks behind the strip, and it was the same story at every damn store: locked up, and not a single shopping spree mob in sight. I was getting pretty worried at that point, because I promised Tammi Jo I'd be bring home some jewelry and electronic stuff, and you know how she gets. Anyway, we walked the tracks into Iowa City, when we saw a school gym with a big sign that said "REFUGEE CENTER."
Bingo! This was our chance to pick up some quick eyewitness tragedy story cash from the tragedy reporters. But when we got inside there wasn't a single TV camera, and it was half empty except for a few ladies with little kids.
"Where is everyone?" I asked.
"Oh, most of them volunteered for sandbag and cleanup duty," said the stupid old lady at the desk. "Isn't that nice?"
Oh, great. I looked over on her TV set and the reporter was talking about how all the "hardworking Iowans" were "quietly pitching in," and "picking up the pieces," and "stoically moving on." Frankly, I'm getting a little sick of being labeled with these kind of destructive stereotypes. Hey, media - what about the Iowans who aren't necessarily stoic or hardworking or self-reliant? Or don't we matter in your stupid media soundbites?
It was clear that somebody needed to take the bull by the horns and create some socko headlines to keep the media ball rolling. Kyle and I tried to get some of the little kids to start a riot inside the Refugee Center, but that fell apart when Dora the Explorer came on. Next we tried calling CNN to report possible cannibalism, but they just hung up. The only real violence I sparked was when Tammi Jo showed up at the gym with Dakota and Tiffani. And her 12" Maglite.
After getting first aid from the old lady at the desk, Kyle and I headed over to Chuck's to stay for a while.
We tried calling some Hollywood celebrities to see if they would organize a telethon benefit for us or something, but that was a gigantic waste of time. I probably left 30 unanswered messages at Scarlett Johansson's office. Kyle got through to Kanye West, who threatened to pop a cap in his ass. Even Sean Penn refused, like he's got anything better to do. The closest we got to any deal was Richard Gere, but he canceled after he found out Iowa wasn't part of Tibet.
After the third day the river had dropped and most of the TV trucks had packed up and left. Chuck's old lady Rhonda was yelling at us to leave, plus they were out of beer. I figured Tammi Jo was probably calmed down by now so me and Kyle walked back to my place. When we got there she was standing at the front plastic sheet, and handed us some shovels and mops.
"Get to work."
"Isn't FEMA suppose to ship in some Mexicans to do this sort of thing?" I ask.
She pointed down the street. All the neighbors were back, cheerfully cleaning crap out of their yards and basements.
"THANKS A LOT," I yell over at Gary, the moron next door.
"Any time, Dave!" He waves back with that stupid grin of his. "You betcha!"
So there you have it: a 500-year, gold plated, biblical grade flood, and all I have to show for it is a sore back and a basement full of soggy rental stereo equipment. This tragedy has been brought to you by a negligent government and an indifferent media. And most of all, my neigbors: 3 million stoic, self reliant, hard working morons who can't figure out a million dollar opportunity when they're waist deep in it.. And they wonder why they call us "Idiots Out Walking Around."
Screw this state. I'm moving to Vegas.
Oh, and Scarlett Johansson? Call me. | |
|
0 Comments | |
| Hippies Accidentally Create World's Largest Mercedes Sign |
Jun 25, 2008 4:49 pm
Mood: tired, 201 Views |  | Hippies Accidentally Create World's Largest Mercedes Sign
Posted by Harvey at 11:57 AM
Ithaca, NY (AP) - While attempting to create the world's largest peace sign, festival-goers in Ithaca, NY, created the world's largest Mercedes sign by mistake.
Can you imagine the smell?
5814 participants gathered to form the familiar symbol of pacifist activism, but - through either oversight or stupidity - only formed three of the four radii required to create a traditional peace sign. Since the missing radius was the lower center line, the symbol they formed was actually the trademark hood ornament of the Mercedes-Benz automobile - a quality German luxury car since 1926 - rather than the anti-war symbol created by a British nuclear disarmament protestor in 1958.
"Dude, this totally sucks!" observed participant Summer Sunshine Rainbow Rabinowitz. "We were, like, trying to tell Bush McChimpyhitler that his war totally blows, but somehow he managed to get his Haliburton oil buddies in here to screw us over with some sort of totally covert inside job. Just like 9/11!"
Other participants, such as Moonglow Moonbeam Johnson suspected less conspiratorial causes. "'Twas the weed, my man. The Acapulco Fire-Bud has a way of rendering one incapable of creating complex geometric figures. Heck, we're lucky we didn't end up with a swastika, or - even worse - the Windows logo."
Ithaca High School sophomore Trevor Dougherty, the organizer of the attempt, claimed they were still successful. "Maybe it's wasn't a peace sign, but Mercedes isn't all gas-guzzling & global warming. After all, the high priestess of high people, Janis Joplin, used it as an icon of war resistance in her song, 'Oh Lord, Won't You Run Over George Bush With a Mercedes Benz', which I once saw on YouTube or maybe somebody's MySpace page."
"Anyway," Dougherty concluded, "we all got super-mega-stoned, and that's what REALLY matters." |
| |
|
0 Comments | |
| Comforting the Afflicted |
Jun 19, 2008 10:51 am
Mood: adventurous, 224 Views |  | Comforting the Afflicted
Posted by Harvey at 10:00 AM
(In My World Fan Fiction by Harvey)
Fresh from single-handedly saving the state of Illinois from the ravaging flood waters of the Mississippi, Barack Obama arrived in Detroit in search of more hapless victims of seven years of Bush-McCain policies to rescue. Passing Wayne County Community College, damsel in distress Marilyn Pace cried out in anguish, causing the presumptive Democratic nominee to leap into action.
"There, there, photogenic white girl."
"Help me, Obamessiah!" cried Marilyn, "I've spent all my money on clothes, shoes, jewelry, vodka, Red Bull, piercings, and back tattoos! I've no money left for tuition! How will I pay for school without getting a job like some fat, unpopular girl whom the national media's cameras love not?"
"Fear not," declared Obama, striking a puffy-chested super-hero-like pose while patting her on the shoulder in a way that he hoped would be difficult to construe as sexual harassment, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you. I will shower you with thousands of previously unavailable tuition dollars. All I ask in return is that you do a good job, keep hanging in there, and make good choices. Like voting for me to prove you're not racist," he added with a "maybe I'm kidding, maybe I'm not" grin that glinted under the glare from the press's light like an Orbit gum commercial.
"But how will you pay for it?", sobbed Marilyn.
"Same way I'll pay for everything I promise - by stealing money from someone who has more of it than you but less than me. Like from kid over there who looks un-fair-sharingly wealthy."
"But I'm not wealthy!" objected the target of Obama's accusation. "My clothes aren't Old Navy faux-raggedy, they're Salvation Army REAL-raggedy!"
"Questioning me is racism!" Obama snarled, poking a menacing - yet impeccably manicured - finger into the boy's chest. "Now stop showing antipathy towards those who are different than you and pony up!"
"Like most of today's youth, I'd gladly give my life to support your hip & trendy multicultural neo-welfare state, but I spent my last dollar at the Friends of the Earth bake sale. Would a tofu brownie help?"
"Won't cooperate, eh?" frowned Obama. "Very well... YOU!... uh... Secret Service guy... uh... what's your name?"
"Tom"
"That's way too complicated for me to remember without a teleprompter," scowled Obama, "I'll just call you Whitey. Ok, Whitey, dangle that guy by his ankles & shake him until he dewealthifies. This white female demographic representative needs tuition money."
Tom's shaking produced nothing, save vaguely effeminate mewlings of protest, an unused-but-optimistically-kept condom, and a clearly not-empty crumpled plastic sandwich bag.
"ALLLL RIIIIGHT! WEED!" shouted Obama, stuffing the baggie's contents into the bowl of a colorful glass pipe which had traveled from his jacket pocket to his hand with eerie ninja quickness. "Time to inhale... frequently."
"But... but...", wept a befuddled Marilyn, "you said in your book that you'd given up drugs YEARS ago!"
"Change happens," whispered Obama hoarsely, exhaling as little as possible.
"I don't understand how this helps me pay my tuition," Marilyn blubbered as she turned a bit to her left to allow a CNN cameraman to capture her good side.
"Hope will pay your tuition. Hope for change. And change is me. Vote Obama '08. But now I must go."
"Don't leave me!" wailed Marilyn, pausing to make sure a New York Times reporter spelled her name right. "Only you and your blessed fountains of government revenue - which will NOT be gouged from the nearly-empty pockets of those who work hard and play by the rules - can save me from my undeserved and completely unavoidable fate which I couldn't possibly have seen coming or planned for when I first decided to attend college several years ago!"
"I'm sorry, but I must. I have to go vet the vetter who's vetting my Veep vetter. UP, UP, AND AWAY!" shouted Obama as he thrust his clench-fisted arms in the air, leapt towards the sky, and landed chin-first onto the ground a moment later.
"Heh" chuckled Obama, standing up and dusting himself off, "forgot that I can't fly. DAMN that's some A-Prime smoke! Hey kid - still got that tofu brownie?". |
| |
|
0 Comments | |
| The War of the Busted Bucket |
Jun 16, 2008 2:17 pm
Mood: adventurous, 228 Views |  | The War of the Busted Bucket
In 1325 a group of young rowdies from the Italian city-state of Modena decided to have some fun by making an incursion into the territory of the nearby rival city-state of Bologna. When the dust had settled, several Bolognese had been slain and the Modenese hoodlums were fleeing home, taking with them an old leaky water bucket which they proclaimed to be “the spoils of war.”
Now this wasn’t just a matter of a criminal atrocity by some juvenile delinquents. Bologna and Modena were on different sides of the great political struggle of the day. Bologna belonged to the Guelf party, and supported the primacy of the Pope over the Holy Roman Emperor, while Modena was Ghibelline, supporting the authority of the Emperor. This dispute lay atop others, which had festered for centuries, including various unsettled territorial claims between the two cities. In short, the citizens of the two cities hated each other.
At Modena, the young men were received as heroes, for having stuck it to the Bolognese. And, of course, the Bolognese were enraged and demanded that the Modenese punish the young men in question and return the bucket, along with an apology. The Modenese refused. So Bologna declared war. There were several indecisive skirmishes and an occasional battle, and a substantial body count accumulated.
The decisive moment in the war came on November 15, 1325, when in a surprise attack at Zappolino, near Mantua, the Modenese defeated the Bolognese, despite being outnumbered, with only abut 10,800 troops against 22,000! So the Modenese were able to keep their bucket. And although many years later the Bolognese actually defeated the Modenese in another war, and demanded the bucket, even offering cash for it, they never received it; the Modenese claimed that they could no longer find it. Though that was perhaps a little bit of a lie, for the bucket is still in Modena, on display in the cathedral. |
| |
|
0 Comments | |
| World's Evilest Thugs Shocked as GOP Takes Hell Hot Spot |
Jun 14, 2008 11:35 am
Mood: annoyed, 261 Views |  | World's Evilest Thugs Shocked as GOP Takes Hell Hot Spot
By Ted State
6/13/2008, 9:17 am
(Dante's Inferno, 7th Level) - Senator Dick Durbin's (D-I comment "The hottest ring in Hell is reserved for those in politics who attack their opponents' families" made to NBC's Norah O'Donnell has sent shockwaves to evil thugs around the world, who thought they were a shoe-in for the top hot spot in the eternal pit of damnation and hellfire. An assortment of Nazis, Communists, terrorists, and other violent and sadistic figures were found consoling each other shortly after Durbin's official announcement.
~
This is not the first Durbin's statement that has had international thugs peeved. In 2006 he also compared Nazis and Communists to the US troops, dashing the hopes of many in the US Armed Forces, who naively believed that liberating Iraq and pacifying the Middle East would put them in the top spot. And now he denied them even the hottest ring of Hell.
"I was really looking forward to the hottest ring of hell, which has got to be a lot cooler than Falujah," said Pfc. Smith who is serving his third tour in Iraq. "But since the place has been reserved for Obama's critics I guess I'll have to wait 'til Halliburton gets into the air conditioning business, or maybe I'll just borrow Joe Stalin's sweater."
"I really thought we had the hottest spot locked up after starting a war in Europe that killed 60 million, including over six million of God's chosen people," said Dr. Joseph Goebbels, a spokesperson for the National Socialist German Workers Party. "If we had known that the hottest ring in Hell is reserved for those who challenge a Democrat politician's wife, we would've called Eleanor Roosevelt a bitch and saved the world an awful lot of trouble," he added with dismay.
"What does a guy have to do to get some props up in here?" said an incredulous Joseph Stalin. "No offense to the Nazis, but we killed over 20 million of our own citizens and we are still playing second fiddle to the GOP!" bemoaned the one-time 'Gardener of Human Happiness,' who looked very upset. "After all those cold Russian winters I was looking forward to the hottest part in Hell. Maybe my friends at the People's Cube will knit me a red sweater so I don't get chilly in the second hottest part of hell," humbly added the erstwhile Great Architect of Communism, Coryphaeus of Science, Father of Nations, and Brilliant Genius of Humanity.
"Since we only killed around two million people we always knew we were a dark horse for number one, but we felt that what we lacked in quantity we would make up for with the savage way we did it," sighed Cambodian communist dictator Pol Pot. "I tip my red cap to the GOP. They just simply outplayed us. Still I am proud of all my men and I wouldn't change a single play. They just left it all out there on the Killing Field and you gotta respect that," said Pol Pot, adding that he was looking forward to earning the top spot next year.
Dick Durbin said he didn't believe combining the positions of a Hell's spokesperson and a Democrat Senator presented a conflict of interest. |
| |
|
0 Comments | |
| The Navy Invented Sex |
Jun 9, 2008 2:03 pm
Mood: amused, 357 Views |  | The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.' |
| |
|
1 comment | |
| In love |
Jun 8, 2008 5:32 pm
Mood: loved, 370 Views |  | I love my wife 
Today my son was driving us both crazy and he was almost glued to her, but she still managed to get stuff done (shopping, etc) that I would have quit and gone home and tried again tomorrow. She is an amazing woman 
I love you Mary! |
| |
|
3 Comments | |
| visiting all the dinos! |
Jun 7, 2008 10:01 pm
Mood: tired, 351 Views |  | Last Sunday we picked up my son and traveled back home. I still hate that trip! His mother did make it easier by taking him to a lake about a third of the way towards our house so that the trip was much shorter than the usual five hours.
Monday we played, but Tuesday thru Thursday he was in "Summer Camp" at Gymboree for three hours each day. He is also signed up for Tae Kwon Do on Tuesdays and Thursdays. A nice full week! Gives me and Mary lots of time while he is getting worn out.
He was great all week, until Thursday. Then he was fussing at Camp and when we picked him up he knocked his coloring sheet out of Mary's hand! He threw a fit all the way home! Crying, whining, fussing, all most cussing... He told us he hates rules, he hates having parents and wants to live by himself.
I think he is turning into a teenager! 4 going on 14! I am scared!
However, he has been very excited because Friday we drove to Kansas City to see the Walking With the Dinosaurs and eat at the T-Rex Cafe.
Wow! This is a really cool Cafe! Animatronic dinos all over, a Build-a-Dino Workshop, a sandbox with Dino-Bones to dig up... All kinds of Dino stuff. It was so cool! We ate dinner there Friday night when we got in and we were all kind of pumped up for the Walk With the Dinos Saturday morning.
The Walk was way cool! If any of you get a chance, go see it! Those dinos look so real! We had front row, almost center seats and WOW! I thought the dinos might bite us! Or lick us, in the case of the herbivores.  I am not going into details so that people can see it themselves. You HAVE to! Don't worry about taking kids, a large number of couples were there as couples. What a great date Better than a regular movie.
However, after the Walking, we ate lunch back at the Cafe, returned to our hotel and decided that the room was just not comfortable enough to stay in another night. Not a bad room, but hard beds and a four year old who now cranky after all the adrenalin from the planned events was wearing off. So, we drove back home tonight, ate and tucked in for bed. The Croc Hunter had napped in the car for a couple of hours and fought sleep for a couple of hours here, but I was insisting and refused to let him get up. Mary snuggled right in a passed out reading her book, then the cat jumped on her, so she finished the last few pages and went to sleep for real. I decided that I am still a little hyper from the caffeinated drive and so I am writing about it
Besides, we both miss you guys! And gals!
In other news, Mary's computer is still acting up and she has ordered a new one. She returns to work full time on Monday and is feeling much better. I had a root canal on Wednesday and on Friday I caught some chicken in the stitches and ripped them loose while trying to get it out. After a few hours of feeling the silly thing flop back and forth in my mouth, I pulled it out.
I'll let Mary tell you more. Her stupid cat did something that you will want to hear about! Cats are stupid!
Have a great week! |
| |
|
1 comment | |
| Invasion of Normandy |
Jun 6, 2008 9:10 am
Mood: nostalgic, 553 Views |  | Invasion of Normandy
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Battle of Normandy)
This article is about the first few weeks of the Invasion of Normandy (D-Day). The first day of the landings are covered in more detail at Normandy landings.
Operation Overlord
Part of World War II
Assault landing one of the first waves at Omaha Beach as photographed by Robert F. Sargent. The U.S. Coast Guard caption identifies the unit as Company E, 16th Infantry, 1st Infantry Division.
Date June 6, 1944 – mid-July 1944
Location Normandy, France
Result Decisive Allied victory
Belligerents
Flag of Australia Australia[1]
Flag of Canada Canada
Flag of France Free France
Flag of New Zealand New Zealand
Flag of the Netherlands The Netherlands
Flag of Norway Norway[2]
Flag of Poland Poland
Flag of the United Kingdom United Kingdom
Flag of the United States United States
Flag of Germany Germany
Commanders
Flag of the United States Dwight Eisenhower
(Supreme Allied Commander)
Flag of the United Kingdom Arthur Tedder (Deputy Supreme Allied Commander)
Flag of the United KingdomBernard Montgomery (21st Army Group, Ground Forces Commander in Chief)
Flag of the United Kingdom Trafford Leigh-Mallory (Air Commander in Chief)
Flag of the United Kingdom Bertram Ramsay (Naval Commander in Chief)
Flag of the United States Omar Bradley (U.S. 1st Army)
Flag of the United Kingdom Miles Dempsey (British 2nd Army)
Flag of Nazi Germany Gerd von Rundstedt (Oberbefehlshaber West)
Flag of Nazi Germany Erwin Rommel (Heeresgruppe 
Flag of Nazi Germany Friedrich Dollmann (7.Armee Oberkommando)
Strength
1,000,000 (by July 4)[3] 380,000 (by July 23)[4]
Casualties and losses
United States: 1,465 dead, 5,138 wounded, missing or captured;
United Kingdom: 2,700 dead, wounded or captured;
Canada: 500 dead; 621 wounded or captured;[5]
Total:10,264 Nazi Germany: Between 4,000 and 9,000 dead, wounded or captured[6][7]
[show]
v • d • e
Battle of Normandy
Neptune – Tonga – American Airborne Landings – Sword – Juno – Gold – Omaha – Utah – Pointe du Hoc – Brécourt Manor – La Caine – Perch – Carentan – Villers-Bocage – Cherbourg – Epsom – Charnwood – Jupiter – Goodwood – Atlantic – Verriéres Ridge – Spring – Cobra – Bluecoat – Totalise – Lüttich – Tractable – Falaise – Brest – Paris
[show]
v • d • e
West European Campaign
(1944-1945)
Normandy - Dragoon - Paris to the Rhine - Bulge - Nordwind - Blackcock - Colmar Pocket - Battle of Central Europe - German capitulation
[show]
v • d • e
Western Front (World War I
France - Maastricht - The Hague - Fort Eben-Emael - Afsluitdijk - The Netherlands - Battle of Zeeland - Dunkirk - Britain - Dieppe - Normandy - Dragoon - Siegfried Line - Market Garden - Aintree - Scheldt - Hurtgen Forest - Aachen - Bulge - Colmar Pocket - Nordwind - Central Europe - German capitulation
The Invasion of Normandy was the invasion and establishment of Allied forces in Normandy, France during Operation Overlord in World War II. It covers from the initial landings on June 6, 1944 until the Allied breakout in mid-July.
It was the largest seaborne invasion at the time,[8] involving over 850,000 troops crossing the English Channel from the United Kingdom to Normandy by the end of June 1944.[9]
Allied land forces that saw combat in Normandy on June 6 came from Canada, Free French Forces, the United Kingdom, and the United States. In the weeks following the invasion, Polish forces also participated and there were also contingents from Belgium, Czechoslovakia, Greece, and the Netherlands.[10] Most of the above countries also provided air and naval support, as did the Royal Australian Air Force,[11] Royal New Zealand Air Force and the Royal Norwegian Navy.[12]
The Normandy invasion began with overnight parachute and glider landings, massive air attacks, naval bombardments, an early morning amphibious landing and during the evening the remaining elements of the parachute divisions landed. The "D-Day" forces deployed from bases along the south coast of England, the most important of these being Portsmouth.[13]
Contents
[hide]
* 1 Allied preparations
* 2 Planning of the Invasion
* 3 Codenames
* 4 Allied Order of Battle
o 4.1 D-Day
o 4.2 Subsequent days
o 4.3 Naval participants
* 5 German Order of Battle
o 5.1 Atlantic Wall
+ 5.1.1 Divisional Areas
+ 5.1.2 Adjacent Divisional Areas
o 5.2 Armoured reserves
+ 5.2.1 Army Group B Reserve
+ 5.2.2 OKW Reserve
* 6 Landings
* 7 Allied establishment in France
* 8 Assessment of the battle
o 8.1 German leadership
* 9 War memorials and tourism
* 10 Dramatizations
* 11 References
o 11.1 Bibliography
o 11.2 Notes
o 11.3 Further reading
* 12 External links
Allied preparations
Eisenhower speaks with 1st Lt. Wallace C. Strobel and Company E, 502d Parachute Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division on the evening of June 5, 1944.
Eisenhower speaks with 1st Lt. Wallace C. Strobel and Company E, 502d Parachute Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division on the evening of June 5, 1944.
Main article: Normandy Campaign#Allied Preparations
The objective of the operation was to create a lodgement that would be anchored in the city of Caen (and later Cherbourg when its deep-water port would be captured). As long as Normandy could be secured, the Western European campaign and the downfall of Nazi Germany could begin. About 6,900 vessels would be involved in the invasion, under the command of Admiral Sir Bertram Ramsay (who had been directly involved in the North African and Italian landings), including 4,100 landing craft. A total of 12,000 aircraft under Air Marshal Sir Trafford Leigh-Mallory were to support the landings, including 1,000 transports to fly in the parachute troops; 10,000 tons of bombs would be dropped against the German defenses, and 14,000 attack sorties would be flown.[14]
Some of the more unusual Allied preparations included armoured vehicles specially adapted for the assault. Developed under the leadership of Maj. Gen. Percy Hobart (Montgomery’s brother-in-law, and an armoured warfare specialist), these vehicles (nicknamed Hobart's Funnies) included "swimming" Duplex Drive Sherman tanks, the Churchill Crocodile flame throwing tank, mine-clearing tanks, bridge-laying tanks and road-laying tanks and the Armoured Vehicle, Royal Engineers (AVRE)–equipped with a large-caliber mortar for destroying concrete emplacements. Some prior testing of these vehicles had been undertaken at Kirkham Priory in Yorkshire, England. The majority would be operated by small teams from the British 79th Armoured Division attached to the various formations.
U.S. soldiers of the 2nd Ranger Battalion march through Weymouth, a southern English coastal town, en route to board landing ships for the invasion of France.
U.S. soldiers of the 2nd Ranger Battalion march through Weymouth, a southern English coastal town, en route to board landing ships for the invasion of France.
Planning of the Invasion
Allied forces rehearsed their roles for D-Day months before the invasion. On April 28, 1944, in south Devon on the English coast, 638 U.S. soldiers and sailors were killed when German torpedo boats surprised one of these landing exercises, Exercise Tiger.[15]
In the months leading up to the invasion, the Allies conducted a deception operation, Operation Fortitude aimed at misleading the Germans regarding the date and place of the invasion.
There were several leaks prior to or on D-Day. One such leak was the crossword that came out in The Herald and Review six days before the beach landings were to take place. Some of the answers consisted of Overlord, Neptune, Gold and other key terms to the invasions; the US government later declared that this was just a coincidence. Through the Cicero affair, the Germans obtained documents containing references to Overlord, but these documents lacked all detail.[16] Double Cross agents, such as Juan Pujol (code named Garbo), played an important role in convincing the German High Command that Normandy was at best a diversionary attack. Another such leak was Gen. Charles de Gaulle's radio message after D-Day. He, unlike all the other leaders, stated that this invasion was the real invasion. This had the potential to ruin the Allied deceptions Fortitude North and Fortitude South. For example, Gen. Eisenhower referred to the landings as the initial invasion.
Codenames
The Allies assigned codenames to the various operations involved in the invasion. Overlord was the name assigned to the establishment of a large-scale lodgement on the Continent. The first phase, the establishment of a secure foothold, was codenamed Neptune. According to the D-day museum:
"The armed forces use codenames to refer to the planning and execution of specific military operations. Operation Overlord was the codename for the Allied invasion of northwest Europe. The assault phase of Operation Overlord was known as Operation Neptune. (...) Operation Neptune began on D-Day (6 June 1944) and ended on 30 June 1944. By this time, the Allies had established a firm foothold in Normandy. Operation Overlord also began on D-Day, and continued until Allied forces crossed the River Seine on 19 August 1944."[17]
Allied Order of Battle
D-day assault routes into Normandy.
D-day assault routes into Normandy.
D-Day
The following major units were landed on D-Day. A much more detailed order of battle for D-Day itself can be found at Normandy landings.
* British 6th Airborne Division.[18]
* British I Corps, British 3rd Infantry Division and the British 27th Armoured Brigade.
* Canadian 3rd Infantry Division, Canadian 2nd Armoured Brigade
* British XXX Corps, British 50th Infantry Division and British 8th Armoured Brigade.[19]
* 79th Armoured Division
* U.S. V Corps, U.S. 1st Infantry Division and U.S. 29th Infantry Division.[18][20]
* U.S. VII Corps, U.S. 4th Infantry Division.[20]
* U.S. 101st Airborne Division.[20]
* U.S. 82nd Airborne Division.[21][20]
The total number of troops landed on D-Day was around 130,000[22]-156,000[23]
Subsequent days
The total troops, vehicles and supplies landed over the period of the invasion were:
* By the end of 11 June (D + 5), 326,547 troops, 54,186 vehicles and 104,428 tons of supplies.[24]
* By June 30th (D+24) over 850,000 men, 148,000 vehicles, and 570,000 tons of supplies.[25]
* By July 4th one million men had been landed.[26]
Naval participants
Main article: Normandy landings
Large landing craft convoy crosses the English Channel on June 6, 1944.
Large landing craft convoy crosses the English Channel on June 6, 1944.
The Invasion Fleet was drawn from 8 different navies, comprising 6,939 vessels: 1,213 warships, 4,126 transport vessels (landing ships and landing craft), and 736 ancillary craft and 864 merchant vessels.[18]
The overall commander of the Allied Naval Expeditionary Force, providing close protection and bombardment at the beaches, was Admiral Sir Bertram Ramsay. The Allied Naval Expeditionary Force was divided into two Naval Task Forces: Western (Rear-Admiral Alan G Kirk) and Eastern (Rear-Admiral Sir Philip Vian).
The warships provided cover for the transports against the enemy—whether in the form of surface warships, submarines, or as an aerial attack—and gave support to the landings through shore bombardment. These ships included the Allied Task Force "O".
German Order of Battle
The number of military forces at the disposal of Nazi Germany reached its peak during 1944. Tanks on the east front peaked at 5,202 in November 1944, while total aircraft in the Luftwaffe inventory peaked at 5,041 in December 1944. By D-Day 157 German divisions were stationed in the Soviet Union, 6 in Finland, 12 in Norway, 6 in Denmark, 9 in Germany, 21 in the Balkans, 26 in Italy and 59 in France, Belgium and the Netherlands.[27] However, these statistics are somewhat misleading since a significant number of the divisions in the east were depleted; German records indicate that the average personnel complement was at about 50% in the spring of 1944.[28]
A more detailed order of battle for D-Day itself can be found at Normandy landings.
Atlantic Wall
Main articles: Atlantic Wall and English Channel
A map of the Atlantic Wall.
A map of the Atlantic Wall.
Standing in the way of the Allies was the English Channel, a crossing which had eluded the Spanish Armada and Napoleon Bonaparte's Navy. Compounding the invasion efforts was the extensive Atlantic Wall, ordered by Hitler in his Directive 51. Believing that any forthcoming landings would be timed for high tide (this caused the landings to be timed for low tide), Rommel had the entire wall fortified with tank top turrets and extensive barbed wire, and laid a million mines to deter landing craft. The sector which was attacked was guarded by four divisions.
Divisional Areas
The following units were deployed in a static defensive mode in the areas of the actual landings:
* 716th Infantry Division (Static) consisted mainly of those 'unfit for active duty' and released prisoners.
* 352nd Infantry Division, a well-trained unit containing combat veterans.
* 91st Air Landing Division (Luftlande – air transported), a regular infantry division, trained, and equipped to be transported by air.
* 709th Infantry Division (Static). Like the 716th, this division comprised a number of "Ost" units who were provided with German leadership to manage them.
Adjacent Divisional Areas
Other divisions occupied the areas around the landing zones, including:
* 243rd Infantry Division (Static) (Generalleutnant Heinz Hellmich), comprising the 920th Infantry Regiment (two battalions), 921st Infantry Regiment, and 922nd Infantry Regiment. This coastal defense division protected the western coast of the Cotentin Peninsula.
* 711th Infantry Division (Static), comprising the 731th Infantry Regiment, and 744th Infantry Regiment. This division defended the western part of the Pays de Caux.
* 30th Mobile Brigade (Oberstleutnant Freiherr von und zu Aufsess), comprising three bicycle battalions.
Armoured reserves
Rommel's defensive measures were also frustrated by a dispute over armoured doctrine. In addition to his two army groups, von Rundstedt also commanded the headquarters of Panzer Group West under General Leo Geyr von Schweppenburg (usually referred to as von Geyr). This formation was nominally an administrative HQ for von Rundstedt's armoured and mobile formations, but it was later to be renamed Fifth Panzer Army and brought into the line in Normandy. Von Geyr and Rommel disagreed over the deployment and use of the vital Panzer divisions.
Rommel recognised that the Allies would possess air superiority and would be able to harass his movements from the air. He therefore proposed that the armoured formations be deployed close to the invasion beaches. In his words, it was better to have one Panzer division facing the invaders on the first day, than three Panzer divisions three days later when the Allies would already have established a firm beachhead. Von Geyr argued for the standard doctrine that the Panzer formations should be concentrated in a central position around Paris and Rouen, and deployed en masse against the main Allied beachhead when this had been identified.
The argument was eventually brought before Hitler for arbitration. He characteristically imposed an unworkable compromise solution. Only three Panzer divisions were given to Rommel, too few to cover all the threatened sectors. The remainder, nominally under Von Geyr's control, were actually designated as being in "OKW Reserve". Only three of these were deployed close enough to intervene immediately against any invasion of Northern France, the other four were dispersed in southern France and the Netherlands. Hitler reserved to himself the authority to move the divisions in OKW Reserve, or commit them to action. On June 6, many Panzer division commanders were unable to move because Hitler had not given the necessary authorisation, and his staff refused to wake him upon news of the invasion.
Army Group B Reserve
* The 21st Panzer Division (Generalmajor Edgar Feuchtinger) was deployed near Caen as a mobile striking force as part of the Army Group B reserve. However, Rommel placed it so close to the coastal defenses that, under standing orders in case of invasion, several of its infantry and anti-aircraft units would come under the orders of the fortress divisions on the coast, reducing the effective strength of the division.
The other two armoured divisions over which Rommel had operational control, the 2nd Panzer Division and 116th Panzer Division, were deployed near the Pas de Calais in accordance with German views about the likely Allied landing sites. Neither was moved from the Pas de Calais for at least fourteen days after the invasion.
OKW Reserve
The other mechanized divisions capable of intervening in Normandy were retained under the direct control of the German Armed Forces HQ (OKW) and were initially denied to Rommel:
Four divisions were deployed to Normandy within seven days of the invasion:
* The 12th SS Panzer Division Hitlerjugend (Brigadeführer Fritz Witt) was stationed to the southeast. Its officers and NCOs (this division had a very weak core of NCOs in Normandy with only slightly more than 50% of its authorised strength[29]) were long-serving veterans, but the junior soldiers had all been recruited directly from the Hitler Youth movement at the age of seventeen in 1943. It was to acquire a reputation for ferocity and war crimes in the coming battle.
* Further to the southwest was the Panzerlehrdivision (General major Fritz Bayerlein), an elite unit originally formed by amalgamating the instructing staff at various training establishments. Not only were its personnel of high quality, but the division also had unusually high numbers of the latest and most capable armoured vehicles.
* 1st SS Panzer Division Leibstandarte SS Adolf Hitler was refitting in Belgium on the Netherlands border after being decimated on the Eastern Front.
* 17th SS Panzergrenadier Division Götz von Berlichingen (General major Werner Ostendorff) was based on Thouars, south of the Loire River, and although equipped with Assault guns instead of tanks and lacking in other transport (such that one battalion each from the 37th and 38th Panzergrenadier Regiments moved by bicycle), it provided the first major counterattack against the American advance at Carentan on June 13.
Landing supplies at Normandy
Landing supplies at Normandy
Three other divisions (the 2nd SS Division Das Reich, which had been refitting at Montauban in Southern France, and the 9th SS Panzer Division Hohenstaufen and 10th SS Panzer Division Frundsberg which had been in transit from the Eastern Front on June 6), were committed to battle in Normandy around twenty-one days after the first landings.
One more armoured division (the 9th Panzer Division) saw action only after the American breakout from the beachhead. Two other armoured divisions which had been in the west on June 6 (the 11th Panzer Division and 19th Panzer Division) did not see action in Normandy.
Landings
Main article: Normandy Landings
The build-up of Omaha Beach: reinforcements of men and equipment moving inland
The build-up of Omaha Beach: reinforcements of men and equipment moving inland
Allied establishment in France
The Allied invasion plans had called for the capture of Carentan, Saint-Lô, Caen, and Bayeux on the first day, with all the beaches linked except Utah, and Sword (the last linked with paratroopers) and a front line 10 to 16 kilometres (6–10 mi) from the beaches. In practice none of these had been achieved. However, overall the casualties had not been as heavy as some had feared (around 10,000 compared to the 20,000 Churchill had estimated), and the bridgeheads had withstood the expected counterattacks.
Once the beachhead was established, two artificial Mulberry harbours were towed across the English Channel in segments and made operational around D+3 (June 9). One was constructed at Arromanches by British forces, the other at Omaha Beach by American forces. By June 19, when severe storms interrupted the landing of supplies for several days and destroyed the Omaha harbour, the British had landed 314,547 men, 54,000 vehicles, and 102,000 tons of supplies, while the Americans put ashore 314,504 men, 41,000 vehicles, and 116,000 tons of supplies.[30] Around 9,000 tons of materiel were landed daily at the Arromanches harbour until the end of August 1944, by which time the port of Cherbourg had been secured by the Allies and had begun to return to service.
Assessment of the battle
La Cambe German war cemetery
La Cambe German war cemetery
The Normandy landings were the first successful opposed landings across the English Channel in nine centuries. They were costly in terms of men, but the defeat inflicted on the Germans was one of the largest of the war. Strategically, the campaign led to the loss of the German position in most of France and the secure establishment of a new major front. Allied material weight told heavily in Normandy, as did intelligence and deception plans. The general Allied concept of the battle was sound, drawing on the strengths of both Britain and the United States. German dispositions and leadership were often faulty, despite a credible showing on the ground by many German units. In larger context the Normandy landings helped the Soviets on the Eastern front, who were facing the bulk of the German forces and, to a certain extent, contributed to the shortening of the conflict there.
Although there was a shortage of artillery ammunition, at no time were the Allies critically short of any necessity. This was a remarkable achievement considering they did not hold a port until Cherbourg fell. By the time of the breakout the Allies also enjoyed a considerable superiority in numbers of troops (approximately 7:2) and armoured vehicles (approximately 4:1) which helped overcome the natural advantages the terrain gave to the German defenders.
Allied intelligence and counterintelligence efforts were successful beyond expectations. The Operation Fortitude deception before the invasion kept German attention focused on the Pas de Calais, and indeed high-quality German forces were kept in this area, away from Normandy, until July. Prior to the invasion, few German reconnaissance flights took place over Britain, and those that did saw only the dummy staging areas. Ultra decrypts of German communications had been helpful as well, exposing German dispositions and revealing their plans such as the Mortain counterattack.
Allied air operations also contributed significantly to the invasion, via close tactical support, interdiction of German lines of communication (preventing timely movement of supplies and reinforcements—particularly the critical Panzer units), and rendering the Luftwaffe ineffective in Normandy. Although the impact upon armoured vehicles was less than expected, air activity intimidated these units and cut their supplies.
Despite initial heavy losses in the assault phase, Allied morale remained high. Casualty rates among all the armies were tremendous, and the Commonwealth forces had to create a new category—Double Intense—to be able to describe them.
German leadership
German commanders at all levels failed to react to the assault phase in a timely manner. Communications problems exacerbated the difficulties caused by Allied air and naval firepower. Local commanders also seemed unequal to the task of fighting an aggressive defense on the beach, as Rommel envisioned. For example, the commander of the German 352nd Infantry Division failed to capitalise on American difficulty at Omaha, committing his reserves elsewhere when they might have been more profitably used against the American beachhead.
The German High Command remained fixated on the Calais area, and von Rundstedt was not permitted to commit the armoured reserve. When it was finally released late in the day, any chance of success was much more difficult. Overall, despite considerable Allied material superiority, the Germans kept the Allies bottled up in a small beachhead for nearly two months, aided immeasurably by terrain factors.
Although there were several well-known disputes among the Allied commanders, their tactics and strategy were essentially determined by agreement between the main commanders. By contrast, the German leaders were bullied and their decisions interfered with by Hitler, controlling the battle from a distance with little knowledge of local conditions. Field Marshals von Rundstedt and Rommel repeatedly asked Hitler for more discretion but were refused. Von Rundstedt was removed from his command on June 29 after he bluntly told the Chief of Staff at Hitler's Armed Forces HQ (Field Marshal Keitel) to "Make peace, you idiots!" Rommel was severely injured by Allied aircraft on July 16.
The German commanders also suffered in the quality of the available troops. Sixty thousand of the 850,000 in Rundstedt's command were raised from the many prisoners of war captured on the Eastern Front.[31] These "Ost" units had volunteered to fight against Stalin, but when instead unwisely used to defend France against the Western Allies, ended up being unreliable. Many surrendered or deserted at the first available opportunity.
Given the Soviets' later domination of Eastern Europe, if the Normandy invasion had not occurred there might conceivably have been a complete occupation of northern and western Europe by communist forces, a contention which is supported by Stalin's statement that the Allies introduced their social system as far as their armies could reach. This is an opinion heavily disputed by the fact that Stalin requested a prompt Western invasion several times during the Teheran Conference and accused Churchill of not supporting the operation.
Alternately, Hitler might have deployed more forces to the Eastern Front, conceivably delaying Soviet advance beyond their pre-war border.[32] In practice though, German troops remained in the West even in the absence of an invasion. |
| |
|
2 Comments | |
| 100 FUN WAYS TO PHONE A PIZZA ORDER |
May 30, 2008 2:32 pm
Mood: amused, 432 Views |  | 100 FUN WAYS TO PHONE A PIZZA ORDER
100 FUN WAYS TO PHONE A PIZZA ORDER 1.If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Newt Gingrich. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one-inch pizza. 87. Order term life insurance. 88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 92. Engage in some serious swapping. 93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 97. Order a steamed pizza. 98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "You let me last time." |
| |
|
4 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (quietman6706) use [blog quietman6706] in your messages. |
|
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
1
|
21
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
