Hot dawg! Hot dawg! Get yer hot dawg here!
|
Posted:Mar 31, 2009 4:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2010 1:12 pm 7218 Views
|
I'm bulk-sized buying.
I'm an economy pack o' man.
Others you may not afford.
Me, you most certainly can.
Not so easy on the eye
But easy on the wallet.
A generous man-sized bargain
Whichever way you call it.
42 and growing.
Your rotund Romeo.
I may not be a salmon mousse
But i am your, "Dawg to go"!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Frinkel T Ferret
|
Posted:Mar 29, 2009 8:55 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2009 7:40 am 7292 Views
|
Hitlers pet ferret, Frinkel T was in fact Jewish and wore a prosthetic foreskin to hide his ancestry. His subterfuge was only uncovered when during a "food dream" he ate his own foreskin (it was made from salami).(Hitler saw the unadorned Frinkel's winkle and declared "Mine Gott in Himmel issen einen juden goosenflanger" and fainted.
Frinkel was saved from execution by Herbal T haggis who parachuted in to Austria on Christmas eve 1943 and disguised as a Christmas pudding infiltrated Hitlers annual fancy dress party (Hitler always liked to dress up as Charlie Chaplin and molest the local prepubescent girls).
Herbal superglued a handle on Frinkel Ts back and simply carried him out of the premises as a fancy handbag.
Okay i'm bored now.
Tata the noo.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Herbal T Haggis.
|
Posted:Mar 28, 2009 5:58 am
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2009 1:45 pm 7726 Views
|
During the war Churchill had a pet haggis called HerbalT.
Haggis are highly intelligent although generally viscious tempered and don't really make good house pets.They can be taught a vocabulary of upwards of 100 words but once they learn the swear words that's pretty much all they use.
Churchills haggis was awarded the Gertrude cross (equivalent to the Victoria cross but only awarded to domestic pets and cattle fer exceptional bravery.Though Saint Bob Geldoff was awarded one fer marrying Paula Yates but that was a simple "error of species" by the ministry of farming, Someone there was convinced Saint Bob was in fact a very large wombat.
HerbalT received his Gertrude fer tackling an assassin who had managed to sneak into Churchills bunker and just as he was about to plunge a knife into the war leader Herbal leapt at the assassins groin and bit. Despite considerable buffeting and being stabbed in the buttockal area Herbals' jaws remained clamped.Even when the assassin yelped "Gott in himmel! Getten offen zee goosenflanger!" , he would not be shifted.
Later when (his vocabulary had greatly improved) he was interviewed by a "journalist" fer the National enquirer Herbal said "I was having a lovely dream about HalleBerryTHaggis and the fecker stood on my tail.
What you lookin at?
You lookin at me?
I don't see anyone else here!
You lookin at me?
I'll bite yer friggin bollix off yea American fecker!"
Anyhoo. HerbalT had a fascinating life and i shall tell you more in later editions no doubt.
Tata the noo.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Haggi Shmaggi.
|
Posted:Mar 27, 2009 5:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2017 12:42 pm 8254 Views
|
Haggi are nocturnal creatures. They are 4 legged mammalian and look like lopsided and fluffy hedgehogs. Either their right two legs or left are considerably shorter depending on which direction their parents travel (sometimes clockwise mothers have anticlockwise bubbles. They just eat them at birth (with a nice chianti)).They are unidirectional and spend their lives travellin either clockwise or anti clockwise round the hill they were born on. If clockwise Haggi meet anticlockwise haggi it's like a scene from "the Godfather" Carnage will ensue and as they have no way of avoiding each other , will continue till only one family survive.(i know it was you Paulie. You betrayed the family!)
They are incredibly easy to catch as all you have to do is stand and wait fer them to run into yer haggi sack so they have become quite a rare sight in the wild and most haggis in the shops is farmed haggi.
Every part of the Haggis is utilised.
We sell the teeth to English dentists.
The tails are fashioned into Merkins.
The toenails are used in the electonics industry as diodes (little joke fer electricians there).
I have barely scraped the surface here and will post more laters.
Famous haggi in history next time i think.(Did you know that Robert the Bruce rode into battle with a wild (it was friggin furious actually) haggis strapped to his head?)
Tata the noo.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Happy as a haddock with a hula hoop.
|
Posted:Mar 26, 2009 7:55 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2022 3:04 pm 7618 Views
|
I have standard answers to standard questions.
How are you is always greeted with.
Happy as a box o fluffy ducks
Happy as a frog in a pond
Happy as a banana in a sundae
Happy as a in a paddock
Happy as a penguin in a fridge
Happy as a carrot in a donkeys bum.
Happy as a ........
Whatever comes to mind.
But never do i say-
I'm okay, could be better.
Life sucks
Not very well really
Lonely
Feck you and the you rode in on.
Why tell people what they don't need to and really don't want to know?
My favourite lately was
Happy as a seal at a disco
the person said "Are seals happy at discoes?"
and i said "I'm sure i read in a magazine about seals clubbing"
Silly and a bit cruel but i made myself laugh out loud.
Thank Gawd at least i find my jokes funny.
Well This ain't gonna win any blogs of the year prizes but i'm as happy as a bear on a bicycle and i just can't be bothered to engage my brain today.
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Everything but you.
|
Posted:Mar 25, 2009 11:12 am
Last Updated:Nov 8, 2011 4:26 pm 7395 Views
|
I have the moon in my tummy
and the stars in my eyes.
Got the breasts of the mountains.
Got the seas' thickened thighs.
Got every day in history
and days before that too.
Got a multitude of playmates
but all i want is you.
I have the fevered dreams of artists
I have where-ever it is your heart is.
Got everything to satiate my ever-growing greed.
But you and i both know,
i ain't got what i need.
I have all the wishes in index files.
I have childrens laughter
and babies smiles.
Got everything.
You know it's true.
Everything
excepting You!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Love love
|
Posted:Mar 24, 2009 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2014 3:47 pm 7824 Views
|
The unloseable game.
In candle-light i see her form.
In shadows she rises and falls.
Beloved in this blessed dorm'.
The masculine urge of nature calls.
Touches, on the point of pressure,
Whispered breath upon my skin.
Pleasure given, returned in pleasure.
A race in which we both shall win.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
I name this land!
|
Posted:Mar 23, 2009 4:14 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2017 12:49 pm 7199 Views
|
-----UNCHARTED LOVER-----
She wore little more than a Freudian slip
'round her slender waist a golden belt
Adorned with a butterfly on each hip.
She had wonderous, sparkling eyes of green
And few places on her body where a man hadn't been,
But she was unexplored to me,
A tropical, mystery-filled desert isle.
I yearned to surround her like the sea
And chart each part, every glorious mile.
I'm Columbus, DeGama, Livingstone.
I want to take her traveling
Just to bring her home.
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
A fishes tale.
|
Posted:Mar 23, 2009 6:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2017 12:50 pm 6605 Views
|
SMALL FISH
When I first caught my sweetheart,
She was a guppy, an elver, a stickleback.
And being too small
I threw her back.
Now.
Now she's a rainbow trout,
A sexy salmon, a dish of a fish.
And I,
Moral-boned idiot,
I threw her back!
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Naming things
|
Posted:Mar 22, 2009 5:56 am
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2014 3:53 pm 7068 Views
|
I cannot remember names.
Because of this i give everyone i meet a nick-name as a sort of aide-memoir.
All the local squids have been re-christened by me.Mostly the nicknames stick and they are going through their lives with a silly monicker.
This is occassionally unfortunate. Banana Jan (was an appropriate name for a little blonde girl).You can imagine what all the boys think it refers to now she's an 18 year old. Likewise fer sticky Nicky (who was tall and thin as a )Poor Scaley Caley (who was accident prone and always had scabby knees and elbows from falling off her bike or whatever).Lord knows what people make of her nick-name.
There's Eariwig Erin and frog-faced Amy, Nicky-big ears,Snickers and on and on.
I wonder if one day i'll be prosecuted fer -abuse.
But the parents don't escape.
There's my neighbour who is 6 foot 7 (you'd love him laydees .Enormously tall , slim and dark) i call him Long Tall Sally (but never to his face) His wife , who i gossip with endlessly and who knows everybodies business, i call her "the oracle.
For years i lived next door to a woman called Charmagne (you'd think i could remember a name like that) I called her QE2 cause when she walked down the path away from you it was like watching a liner going oot to sea. (very big girl was Charmagne).
Even as a i seemed to have been renaming people. I lived next door to a girl called Evelyn, i couldn't say Evelyn (i was only 3 or 4 at the time). Still to this day she is known to everyone as Yoyo.
You might be thinking "How come you escaped the nick naming".
Praise be to Rolf Harris.When i was a small boy he released a song called "Jake the peg" and from then on i was called Jake by my family and friends and now no-one even knows it's not my given name.(well obviously my parents do). Prior to the saintly Rolfs hit i was known as Jackie-duff Because my name is Jack and i was as a small boy shaped rather like a plum duff- round and squidgy.
I could have gone through life as Jackie-duff (i still have an uncle who calls me Jackie, i never know who he's talking to- oh yeah , that's me).
So i'd like you all to join me now in expressing a great big thank you to the saintly Rolf Harris.
Without whom i'd have been a very different man.
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
