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woodlandcreatures
  
stories for old kids
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We da man! Dec 27, 2006 3:45 am
1730 Views
Okay so i've at last had time fer a good old wander round the bloggyverse and Jeez but there's a lot o man bashing going on huh? (One man in particular lol). Well i dunno the facts o that nonsense so i ain't about to join any side.
As fer the notion being touted, that all men are cousins o Forest Gump. I'll say this.
Men are better at everything!lol
Choose any sphere of life where men and wimmen can compete equally and for every "quite good" wumman you name, i'll name you 100 men that are better without the need to pause fer thought.
Men are just better at everything.
Mysogynist old fert ain't i?lol
18 Comments
Jake's Christmas rant. Dec 24, 2006 5:08 am
2014 Views
Some things in my old age cause an instant of bad tempered response.
Cars travelling too fast (Cars generally but that isn't an instant of temper more of an ongoing hate lol).
Loud music.
Teenagers.
Sushi.(In Scottish we have a word for sushi. It's "Bait")
Anything "starring" Whoopi Goldberg (It's not that i particularly dislike her it's just she's never been in a movie that isn't solid gold crap.)
"Celebrities" with no discernable talent (There's just too many of the non-entities to start naming them and let's face it they've done nothing to warrant my notice.)
White men talking "Jive" Yo motha how's ma man? FECK YOU you buffoon!
Idiots on my telly box paraded as experts pointing out the bloody obvious as though it were some significant wisdom.
Life.
lol
What can i say? It's Sunday, it's my rant day.
Laters smelly taters.
23 Comments
Karaoke, cats and kids Dec 22, 2006 4:44 am
1878 Views
Christmas carry okay night .Woohoo.
"You scum-bag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot. Happy Christmas yer arse. I pray Gawd it's our last. The boys of the N.Y.P.D. choir are still singing Galway bay and the bells are ringing out fer Christmas day."
I shall be donning my dancin' and romancin' pants and hoping my antlers catch some vixens eye.lol (Not literally, i really don't wanna poke any laydees in the eye you understand.)

I must be losing weight or at least getting fitter cos since getting my two furry friends i spend most of my time getting up and opening and closing doors fer the little feckers. I tells you it's blinkin cold in me living room when one of them leaves the door open yet again.Even with the heater aimed up me hooter.

Anyhoo, nowt exciting happening here the noo. Or at least nowt i'd care to share lol.

Me Angel daughter phoned yesterday evening sounding suspiciously slurred. I kept my disapproval to meself and made her laugh without trying too hard lol. Oh well i shall just count my blessings and remember what a wild child i was.

enoughsk.
Tata the noo me terrapinoes.
7 Comments
How loverly am i? Dec 21, 2006 3:54 am
2021 Views
How loverly am i?
lol
Maybe not.
But like everyone else i'm reduced to posting in the form of a poll. Isn't ff just wonderful?
Actually i think as blog sites go this is the best format available. All the others have pop ups or are just too big and anonymous and if you get popular you have about 100 comments to reply to each morning. Sounds cool but isn't.Or there's no way to tell who's posted lately and finding blogs you like is a real hit and miss afair and then you have to bookmark the blog on yer pooter if you ever wanna find it again. All in all ff ain't too bad really.So fer a change i ain't complaining lol.There's much to reccomend about our shared little home here i think.And all for free. Now that's the kinda thing that appeals to a Scotty dawg like me.
Yer a big smelly pants really.
i thinks yer gorgeous and i wanna have yer bubbles
if i had a body like that i'd touch myself all day long.
if i had a face like that i'd remove all the mirrors from me house.
"if i had a hammer"
I'm bored now.
lol
23 Comments, 28 votes
Cousin Scott and the Cats tenner. Dec 20, 2006 4:25 am
1663 Views
So i arrived back at my east coast hovel on Sunday night. At 2.30 Monday mornin i was awoken by me new phone chirruping at me (Took me a while to figure oot what the noise was cos i ain't accustomed to it's ring yet). It was my cousin Scott who i haven't seen in over 20 years. "Hi Jake it's yer cousin Scott (See i told you).What you doing?"
"Friggin sleeping m8 it's the middle o the night"
"OH? Well i'm just coming into the toon and i thought i'd drop by if that's okay?"
"Well if yer here you may as well" (I am sohh gracious huh?lol)
Last time i saw Scott he was a gauky, skinny teenager with a face like a pizza and hair he coulda sold to a horse as a prosthetic tail.

The guy that arrived at my door was old, bald as a budgie with alopeacia with an enormous beer-belly. I wouldn't have recognised him if i.... well in any circumstances really.

He reminisced fer a couple of hours, reminding me of things i'd said and done. Told me tales of his travels. His official job description is "roadie". He's been roadie to such luminaries as Ralph McTell "So how can you tell me yer lonely and say fer you that the sun don't shine", Mary Hopkins "those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end" and Jethro Tull (My first born sons middle name is Jethro cos as a young feller i looked a lot like the lead singer o the band . I later looked more like Lee Van Cleef. But that's neither here nor there is it?lol)
He looks and talks like a guy who has drank too much and had too many drugs through his life but he seems happy enough i guess.
Anyhoo he left about 4.30 and i went back to bed.
At 5.30 i was a woken by a furry face being pushed into mine. Fern having an affection attack. She's utterly lovely but i wish she'd have her attacks during the day. Anyhoo i had to make a fuss of her fer quarter of an hour before she'd settle down and go back to sleep.
7.30 i'm awoken by Jack T cat yowling cos he can't see were Fern is (Cos the silly bugger has gone behind the curtain as usual) So i had to get up and open the curtain so he could see where she was. But as i normally rise around that time anyway i just got up and went off on me morning ride. Stuck a tenner in me pocket before i left though as i had no change fer me mornin papers. Checked my pocket a couple of times on my ride cos the trousers i was wearing have a terrible habit of ejecting stuff from me pockets. Finished my ride , got to the local shop, checked me pocket. No tenner. So by this time all the local squids are making their way to school and the chances of me recovering the tenner before one o them spots it and declares Christmas early, are next to nil. But all the same i went and retraced my steps (10 miles of cycling) cos just abandoning a tenner is not in my nature lol. No joy.
All of this twaddle explains why this morning for the first time in a decade i didn't wake up till 10.30 and i feel like i missed half the day (It gets dark here about 3.30p.m.). I know i should be thankful that i can just sleep in any old time i like cos i have no "work" to go to and i am an ungrateful swine. But i haven't had a good moan in ages so you'll forgive me this little gripe huh?lol
Catch yer laters terrapinoes.
7 Comments
Cat people and me squids. Dec 19, 2006 2:33 am
1481 Views
My cats, like my children, seem to have developed the two seperate sides of my conflicting personality.
Jack T Cat like my first-born son, is reticent, shy, nervous around strangers and happy in his own company. He looks like you wouldn't wanna mess with him but in truth he is a big scaredy-pants who startles easily.He's brooding and quiet and secretly gentle.
Fern T Feline like my Angel daughter, is given to bouts of uncontrolable affection, she is enormously loving but not overly fussed who that love is targetted at.She's confident, adventurous, clever and cheerful. She's easy to love. Playful and quirky and completely fearless.

They compliment each other perfectly.

I love them all whole-heartedly.
10 Comments
Back from t' west. Dec 18, 2006 2:22 am
1533 Views
Ahhhhhr. Aharrrr harrrr. ahhhhhhhr.
Ahaaaaaaar.
Jim lad.
Well unsurprisingly i never made it to the isle o Erin but we did get as far as the isle o Arran (which is a very pretty island not many miles from my Angel daughters home village. Turn to page 69 of your Atlas of Scotland, the Woodlands and other mythical lands). I kinda broke my squids toys. They did insist that their respective other 'arfs joined us and both o them were sick as parrots pretty much as soon as they set foot on the old "Dot Marie" and didn't stop throwing up till we put into port at Lochranza. Barely half a days sailing in all lol. Oh well.
Me and the Angel daughter did spend a week or so sailin around the area most days. Her boyfriend is pretty much an ornament or an afterthought as far as she's concerned (I've taught her well lol) and he does as he's told and if he ever does try to assert himself me and the first born do tend to growl at him. Poor guy musta wished he'd stayed at home.
Anyhoo i'm just checkin in to let you all know i'm back and as salty as any old sea dawg can be.
Tata me terrapins.
12 Comments
Look oot world here i come. Dec 2, 2006 7:17 am
2669 Views
Lol three in the afternoon and not a single solitary view of my blog today. How the mighty have fallen huh?lol Last year i was the Christmas number one in the charts and this year i'll be lucky if i scrape into the top ten lol.
Old friends who once stopped by regularly fer a slow motion chat have long since abandoned ship yet still i sail this ship regardless.Time fer a nice long break i think. I've always fancied circumciseing Ireland (Yeah of course i know the word is circum-navigate but that's not silly at all lol). In all my considerable travels i always seemed to head east. The furthest west i guess i've been is the isle o Skye (and being the rightful heir to the throne o Scotland i got my then goilfriend, luscious Lynn to row me across - which will not mean a dang thing to you if you don't know the story of Flora McDonald and Bonnie Prince Charlie but what the hey lol). So anyhoo i figure as my first born has some time off and my Angel daughter has just finished her final prelim' exam i may get the squids and head west fer once. I'd take the maw along too but she's like our sea-fearing captain P and is wary of the briney and all the critters there-in.
So if'n those of you who could give a fig notice an extended absence it's cos i'm off hunting mermaids and guiness and hopefully a storm or two. (Though my sons idea of a good sailing trip is to find the nearest waterside inn and get very drunk whilst talking in a pirate styley. Ahaaaaarrrr and avast yea scurvy landlubbers! so maybe we won't get much further than the first pub lol.
Sees yer when i sees yer.
Tata the noo.
39 Comments
"Stormy weather" Nov 30, 2006 3:39 am
2172 Views
The wind is hurtling round this old toon like it's in a hurry to get somewhere and she just doesn't care what kind of a mess she's making. Leaves everywhere, knocking dustbins down and spilling the contents tither and hither.and the poor trees who can't get out the way are swaying like drunken sailors on shore leave (and their leaves sure leave lol).
I hate windy wether when i'm on land.Cycling into a head-wind is a pain in the botski but when you turn round in the opposite direction and find yer still cycling into a head-wind that's just wrong.
At sea however i love the wind. Joy is sailing in a force ten storm. At sea i'm fearless. I have no idea why but i feel invincible and imortal sailing into the teeth of an angry storm. I love it! The worse the storm the more exhilarated i am. I'm sure in a previous life i really was Captain Jake or a pirate or a ships cat lol Maybe even just a bilge rat. Ratty Jake sounds about right huh?lol
Anyhoo i'm off.
Catch yer laters tarrapinoes.
13 Comments
What side of a chicken has most feathers? Nov 29, 2006 2:00 am
2231 Views
Art is not art simply because someone says it is. An artist is not an artist simply because they say they are any more than a quack is not a surgeon because he once sewed a badge on his pants. Cutting a cow in half or displaying your soiled bed is at the very best a little odd but it isn't art and even the oddness is only in the fact that anyone would actually beleive that it is art.Untalented snake-oil peddlers and arts hangers-on would like us all to beleive that everything in life is art. NO it isn't! Real artists had no need of artifice, they didn't require us to change the rules of art to include them. Ask yourselves. "In a hundred years from now will any modern artist be remembered"? The truth is that people will laugh at the idea that Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin and their ilk were ever seen as anything but talentless con artists rather than genuine artists.Finally people are begining to admit that Picassos paintings are a monumental joke.Andy Warhol? What are you guys on? He's not an artist, he's a bagman for the art world separating the naive from their money in exchange for worthless tat.The fact that these people have no artistic ability should be a clue to the art world that their drivel is mindless and worthless.
Well that'll do fer the noo. I'm all ranted oot really.
Tata me terrapinoes.
Ooo
The answer to my initial question is.
The outside.
Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
8 Comments
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