| BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE |
Jul 17, 2008 9:17 pm
Mood: worried, 209 Views | BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet:
CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet:
CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE: a. Glass empty.
b.
You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE: You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE: a.
Mouth not open
b.
Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
SYMPTOM: Floor Blurred
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer
SYMPTOM: Floor moving
CAUSE: You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE: Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender If staff is gone,
grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.
Run!
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him
SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE: You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer
SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.
Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE: a.
You're in jail
b.
You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.
Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
SYMPTOM: You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE: You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit.
Do not accept offers for backrubs
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE: The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE: Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar | |
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0 Comments | |
| funnys |
Jul 16, 2008 5:28 pm
Mood: crazy, 221 Views | DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
(or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself"
-----------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
----------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
-----------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-----------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
-----------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care. | |
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1 comment | |
| hello everyone |
Jul 16, 2008 12:02 am
Mood: sympathetic, 221 Views | hi . i invited what i thought was a nice young Lady to join me as a friend . you all know i am only here for friendship . well she seems to have it in her tiny little mind that the only reason any man is here is sex . what a crock . i sent a nice message back to her . if this is what is in her mind maybe this is the only reason she is here . i guess i will not talk any more to people i dont know . no names but i will say this . she is NOT a verry nice person .
PEACE and LOVE to all my FRIENDS .
steve
my mood is for who ever gets stuck with this sweet Lady | |
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2 Comments | |
| NEVER JUDGE |
Jul 14, 2008 7:18 pm
238 Views | Subject: Never judge someone
'Some people!' snorted a man standing behind me in the
long line at the grocery store.
'You would think the manager would pay attention and
open another line, 'said a woman. I looked to the
front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw
a well dressed, young woman, trying to get the machine
to accept her credit card. No matter how many times
she swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it.
'It's one of them welfare card things. Damn people
need to get a job like everyone else,' said the man
standing behind me. The young woman turned around to
see who had made the comment. 'It was me,' he said,
pointing to himself.
The young lady's face began to change expression.
Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the
counter and quickly walked out of the store. Everyone
in the checkout line watched as she began running to
her car. Never looking back, she got in and drove
away.
After developing cancer in 1977 and having had to use
food stamps; I had learned never to judge anyone,
without knowing the circumstances of their life. This
turned out to be the case today.
Several minutes later a young man walked into the
store. He went up to the cashier and asked if she had
seen the woman. After describing her, the cashier told
him that she had run out of the store, got into her
car, and drove away.
'Why would she do that?' asked the man. Everyone in
the line looked around at the fellow who had made the
statement. 'I made a stupid comment about the
welfare card she was using. Something I shouldn't
have said. I'm sorry,' said the man.
'Well, that's bad, real bad, in fact. Her brother was
killed in Afghanistan two years ago. He had three
young children and she has taken on that
responsibility. She's twenty years old, single, and
now has three children to support,' he said in a very
firm voice.
'I'm really truly sorry. I didn't know,' he replied,
shaking both his hands about.
The young man asked, 'Are these paid for?' pointing to
the shopping cart full of groceries. 'It wouldn't take
her card,' the clerk told him.
'Do you know where she lives?' asked the man who had
made the comment.
'Yes, she goes to our church.'
'Excuse me,' he said as he made his way to the front
of the line. He pulled out his wallet, took out his
credit card and told the cashier, 'Please use my card.
PLEASE!' The clerk took his credit card and began to
ring up the young woman's groceries.
Hold on,' said the gentleman. He walked back to his
shopping cart and began loading his own groceries onto
the belt to be included. 'Come on people. We got three
kids to help raise!' he told everyone in line.
Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast
moving belt. A few customers began bagging the food
and placing it into separate carts. 'Go back and get
two big turkeys,' yelled a heavyset woman, as she
looked at the man. 'NO,' yelled the man. Everyone
stopped dead in their tracks. The entire store became
quiet for several seconds. 'Four turkeys,' yelled the
man. Everyone began laughing and went back to work.
When all was said and done, the man paid a total of
$1,646.57 for the groceries. He then walked over to
the side, pulled out his check book, and began
writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near
the front of the store for a writing surface. He
turned around and handed the check to the young man.
'She will need a freezer and a few other things as
well,' he told the man.
The young man looked at the check and said, 'This is
really very generous of you.'
'No,' said the man. 'Her brother was the generous
one.'
Everyone in the store had been observing the odd
commotion and began to clap. And I drove home that
day feeling very American.
We live in the Land of the free, because of the
Brave!!! Remember our Troops of Yesterday and Today!!!
A great example of why we should be kind and patient.
Kindness is the language the blind can see and the
deaf can hear.
May God's many blessings continue
to be with you - ALWAYS!!!
MAY THIS KEEP GOING....
IT WILL OPEN A LOT OF EYES,
HOPEFULLY HEARTS,
AND KEEP SOME MOUTHS SHUT. | |
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4 Comments | |
| The Bathtub Test |
Jul 14, 2008 4:17 pm
Mood: not shour, 212 Views | >
> The Bathtub Test
>
>
>
>
> It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
>
> 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
>
> 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
>
> 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
>
>
>
> DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE | |
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2 Comments | |
| PEACE |
Jul 14, 2008 2:40 pm
Mood: grateful, 188 Views | hello everyone . i just want to say thank you to all of you who come to visit from time to time . it is nice to know there are still some people out there that say things and stand by what they say .
it is sad to know there are some that say the words but dont meen them .
take good care of yourselves . i love all my friends .
stay safe be happy .
PEACE and LOVE always | |
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1 comment | |
| no good |
Jul 7, 2008 11:03 am
Mood: disappointed, 212 Views | Do NOT
buy Pepsi in the new can
Subject:
DON'T BUY PEPSI IN THE NEW CAN!
Don't
buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new
'patriotic' can
coming out with pictures of
the Empire State Building , and the
Pledge of
Allegiance on them.
However,
Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge,
'Under
God.'
Pepsi said they didn't want to offend
anyone.
In
that case, we don't
want to offend anyone at
the Pepsi corporate office, either!
So
if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not
be offended
when they don't receive our money
that has the words
'In
God We Trust' on it.
HOW
FAST
CAN
YOU
FORWARD
THIS
ONE? | |
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0 Comments | |
| 911 calls |
Jul 6, 2008 11:29 am
Mood: earthy, 240 Views | Subject: FW: 911
>
>
> BELIEVE it or not - These are REAL 911 Calls!
>
>
> Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
> Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
> house on the corner.
> Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
> Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
>
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
> Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
> and cheese sandwich .
> Dispatcher : Excuse me?
> Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
> table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
> taken a bite out of it.
> Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
> Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
> of it!
>
>
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
> Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
> an eleven on it.
> Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
> Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
> Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
> thing.
> Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
>
> My Personal Favorite!!!
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
> Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
> minutes apart
> Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
> Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
>
> And the winner is ..........
> Dispatcher: 9-1-1
> Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
> Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
> Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
> Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
> Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
> Caller: No
> Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
> breathing?
> Caller: Running from the Police. | |
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2 Comments | |
| POOR GUY |
Jul 3, 2008 3:07 pm
Mood: hungry, 204 Views | Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'...........
BOB's burial is on Friday. | |
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1 comment | |
| yup |
Jul 2, 2008 9:35 am
Mood: content, 204 Views | COLORADO Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of COLORADO to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, smart ass.... Show him your card!!' | |
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1 comment | |
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