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JEWISH FIREFIGHTERS
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Feb 2, 2007 9:38 pm
Mood: bitchy,
694 Views
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One night outside a small town, a fire started
inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The
alarm went out to all fire departments for miles
around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the
scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the
plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret
files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as anotherfire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer
fire company composed mainly of Jewish,
ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek, newer engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all
sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
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Crisco? CRISSSSSSSCO???
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Feb 2, 2007 9:32 pm
Mood: hyper,
666 Views
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A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crisssssssco
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3.
The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"
The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk.
"What do you call her at home?"
Lard \bass\b
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The Unprepared Pharmacist
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Feb 2, 2007 3:41 pm
Mood: amused,
813 Views
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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6
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR NOT POSTING A PHOTO
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Feb 1, 2007 10:14 pm
Mood: amused,
861 Views
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My recent post on profiles drew a few comments about reasons why some post no photo. And so:
TOP 10 REASONS FOR NOT POSTING A PICTURE
10) Your features haven't learned the importance
of teamwork
9) They've never been developed. The photo lab technicians are afraid to be alone with them in the darkroom.
8 ) You are constantly mistaken for a celebrity...SHREK
7) You figure the government has enough photos posted of you...in Post Offices nationwide.
6) You don't want the other six wives in Utah to spot them on the web.
5) Your boss's title begins with "The Right Honorable Reverend..."
4) You were elected to public office last November
3) Three words: America's Most Wanted
2) You've been dating Lorena Bobbitt for the last 6 months
1) REALLY CHEAP toupee / bad hair day
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5
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Untrue Rumors About These Sites - Success or Failure?
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Feb 1, 2007 12:02 pm
Mood: annoyed,
959 Views
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Having been around here a month now, I'm amazed at the preponderance of self-bestowed "pity parties" around here. 95% of the whiners, complainers, and grumblers are male members of the species (and at least 3% have their particular species designation in question).
These malcontented misfits want to call everyone's attention to their total lack of success, not in just "hooking up", but in their inability to even attract attention by way of emails and responses.
THEIR PROBLEMS ARE OBVIOUS! Most of these dissatisfied members write in a fashion that belies their ever proceeding beyond the level of 3rd grade English. How big a surprise can it be that, outside of those with a severe "mothering complex", MOST women aren't drawn in hoards to men that come across as nine years old? This deficiency manifests itself in three forms.
1) SPELLING - What on God's Earth is the excuse for every third word being misspelled, when there's a spell check program for every post? (For those of you about whom I'm writing, it's the little ABC icon to the bottom right.)
2) CAPITALIZATION - Guys, try the big key marked "SHIFT" at both ends of the keyboard. I't great for capital letters for things like beginning sentences and proper names. Try it some time.
3) PUNCTUATION - I read a run-on sentence on a discussion board yesterday that was the equivalent of a chapter of "War and Peace" with 27 commas.
In addition, there's such a thing as personality. Some of the comments, questions, and replies have all the personality of a lug wrench and are as interesting as a plate of cold spaghetti.
If you're not attracting attention, then how about trying these few SIMPLE tips:
1) Write your OWN profile. Don't point and click from those damned canned lines like you were picking items from a Chinese menu.
2) Answer ALL your profile items. Items showing "Prefer Not to Say" are a red flag that say you WANT to lie, but you don't feel like being CAUGHT lying until as late as possible.
If you're married, SAY SO! There are plenty of women willing to see married men. I've hooked up with two of them in the last 3 weeks. There's ALWAYS someone whose into what you are, unless your thing is putting on a demonstration with a Shetland Pony. (Those folks are over on ALT dot com.)
3) Answer the additional questions to let potential partners know more about you. Plus, it gets you extra points to use as you wish.
4) Unless there's a really good reason (like you're married, or have been mistaken in public as a celebrity...Shrek!) then post a picture. Profiles with pics just get MORE views. It's just a fact of life.
If you need help, then ASKING in a sincere manner on the discussion boards can find you a ton of friendly and willing members who may have some really good advice. Just DON'T WHINE. Tantrums are for 3 year-olds.
Now, let's pull on our BIG BOY underpants and get out there and MEET someone.
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