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ACUTE BLONDENESS
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Feb 3, 2007 8:50 pm
Mood: silly,
689 Views
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Now, please don't go ballistic on me if you're a natural blonde. I know that there ARE som intelligent blondes out there, but you must admit that SOME types of activities DO seem to run more commonly among the blonde population.
For those of you of whom I speak (and you probably DON'T know who you are)then I'LL - TYPE - THIS - VERY - SLOWLY - IN - CASE - YOU - CAN'T - READ - VERY - FAST.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A You know they are out there but people have reported sighting UFO's
Q: Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
A: Under 17 not admitted!
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
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THE WAY KIDS SEE IT
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Feb 3, 2007 9:59 am
Mood: amused,
719 Views
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NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
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WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
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Feb 3, 2007 9:55 am
Mood: adventurous,
694 Views
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen.
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2
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GRANDMAS - GOTTA LOVE
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Feb 3, 2007 9:50 am
Mood: bouncy,
715 Views
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Grandmas - Gotta Love 'Em!!!
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro
station in DC:
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on
the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined."
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you
care about the children of Iraq?'
The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Honey, my father died in
France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in
Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and
bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella
up your a** and open it. ' "
~God Bless America~ & Grandmas
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2
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR A NEW HAIRDO
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Feb 3, 2007 9:35 am
Mood: contemplative,
715 Views
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR A NEW HAIRDO
10) Attending the Star Trek Fanvention as a Klingon warrior
9) Dying it silver-gray at age 28 so strangers will compliment you on how good you look for your age
8 ) Shaving your head and wearing a tan turtleneck for the sexual imagery
7) Home permanent disaster
6) You're on the 144th day of a 14-day beauty plan
5) You can't resist a sale, and the drug store was closing out generic brand peroxide at 3 for $1
4) It was either that, or eat 14 quarts of double fudge rocky road
3) You actually BELIEVE the hype about blondes having more fun
2) You found his little black book, so you gave him a reverse mohawk while he was sleeping
1) You're ready to post a new profile picture
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1
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Emoticons? How about buttICONS
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Feb 3, 2007 9:06 am
Mood: crazy,
747 Views
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We all know about those little emoticons that represent a smile
: ) or :~ )
or a frown
: ( or :~ (
So, how about some buttICONS?
(_!_) A regular butt
(__!__) A fat butt
(!) A tight butt
(_*_) A sore butt
{_!_} A swishy butt
(_o_) A butt that's been around
(_x_) Kiss my butt
(_X_) Leave my butt alone
(_zzz_) A tired butt
(_E=mc2_) A smart butt
(_$_) Money coming out of his butt
(_?_) A Dumb butt
Don't look now, bloggers, but you've just been mooned by broadcastdeejay.
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2
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KEEPING OCCUPIED
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Feb 2, 2007 10:25 pm
Mood: devious,
723 Views
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown
and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to
him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said
"Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.....
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1
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THE GIFT EVERY MAN WANTS
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Feb 2, 2007 10:07 pm
Mood: crazy,
560 Views
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THE GIFT EVERY MAN WANTS
If you can't make out the pic, controls read:
OFF
MUTE
(GIVE ME)
BEER
\bsexo?\b
FOOD
MASSAGE
SLEEP
REMOVE CLOTHES
SHOP
CLEAN
LEAVE
SAY YES
SAY NO
boobS+
boobS-
PMS OFF
STOP NAGGING
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OIL CHANGE Instructions for MEN and WOMEN
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Feb 2, 2007 9:56 pm
Mood: amused,
741 Views
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Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of Oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
Trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
Oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
Tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28 ) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38 ) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total -- $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
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WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES
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Feb 2, 2007 9:41 pm
Mood: cheerful,
722 Views
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WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES ...
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer
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To link to this blog (broadcastdeejay) use [blog broadcastdeejay] in your messages.
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