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LET US REMEMBER...Doughboy Memorial
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Feb 10, 2007 9:12 am
Mood: contemplative,
702 Views
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was
buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to
pay their respects including Mrs.butterworth, Hungry Jack, and the
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the
eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much
he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Personal observations:
Upon his death, he left his family quite a lot of bread. In fact, they were just rolling in dough. Financially, he always was able to rise to the occasion. It just goes to show that if you get off your buns, you can have your cake and eat it too. In lieu of flours, donations are requested.
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THE THREE SURGEONS
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Feb 9, 2007 6:40 pm
Mood: amused,
766 Views
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Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
"The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's a$$. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator in New York!......
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5
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MAMMOGRAM PRACTICE
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Feb 8, 2007 11:35 am
Mood: devious,
718 Views
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... just in case you were wondering ....
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam
and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and
around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door
as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time
wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to
slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment
with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
AND, just a thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems st art with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a
mammogram!!!!!!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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4
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WHAT DADDY DOES
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Feb 7, 2007 3:10 am
Mood: amused,
734 Views
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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men
and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.
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2
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Living Life Backwards is Better
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Feb 7, 2007 3:07 am
673 Views
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LIVING LIFE BACKWARDS
I want to live my next life backwards. Here's why:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case
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0
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TOP 10 SONGS FOR A CYBER-DATE
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Feb 6, 2007 9:41 pm
Mood: amused,
723 Views
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Music is considered all-important to set the mood for romance. With cyber dating all the rage, what songs are appropriate?
TOP 10 SONGS FOR A CYBER-DATE
10. Far Away (Carole King)
9. Telephone Line ( ELO )
8. Operator (Jim Croce)
7. Wichita Lineman (Glen Campbell)
6. Sleeping Single in a Double Bed (Barbara mandrell)
5. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry (Hank Williams, Sr.)
4. Knock Three Times (Tony Orlando and Dawn)
3. Point Me In the Direction of Albequerque (Partridge Family)
2. Do You Know the Way to San Jose? (Dionne Warwick)
1. I Left My Heart in San Francisco (Tony Bennett)
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Jesus and the Burglar
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Feb 5, 2007 9:44 am
Mood: devious,
1369 Views
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Jesus and the burglar
A burglar broke into a house one nig ht. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he
shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came
to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed ... "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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BOY'S CONFESSION
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Feb 4, 2007 1:10 pm
Mood: devious,
723 Views
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BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
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BEFORE AND AFTER - What a Difference A Day Makes
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Feb 3, 2007 9:00 pm
Mood: devious,
751 Views
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THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had
while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also
present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty
farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around
his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted
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2
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QUESTIONS THAT DEMAND AN ANSWER
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Feb 3, 2007 8:55 pm
Mood: relaxed,
761 Views
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1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes out its butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have thesame tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18. Why do men have nipples, they really serve no purpose...or do they?
19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
LIVE WELL...LAUGH OFTEN. LOVE MUCH!!!
Are you still singing the alphabet song?
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