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The Problems of an Attorney
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Jun 5, 2007 8:26 am
560 Views
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THE PROBLEMS OF AN ATTORNEY
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get
a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night is this to be getting home? Where
have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a
long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic
remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
the rear of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP?!"
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All things Must Pass?
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Jun 1, 2007 1:56 pm
677 Views
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Subject: Little Johnny
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.
The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
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JOHNNY'S AT IT AGAIN!
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Jun 1, 2007 1:39 pm
Mood: amused,
578 Views
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Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running h is hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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BAPTIST COWGIRL
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May 31, 2007 4:48 pm
591 Views
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A blonde cowgirl, who is visiting Tennessee from Texas, walks into a
bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes
back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we
drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one
for myself.
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes
in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall
silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains,
"it's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had
to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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1
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THE 2008 VOTE - What Support!!!
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May 25, 2007 3:24 am
Mood: devious,
650 Views
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I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for months. Please, keep it going!
To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the
rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire list.
1. Bill
2.
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3
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THIS IS A BIT SCARY!!!
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May 22, 2007 6:16 pm
Mood: shocked,
825 Views
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Allah or the Lord Jesus Christ?
This is very interesting and just a bit scary ...
The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United
States , especially in the minority races!!!
______________________________________________
Allah or The Lord Jesus Christ? ... By Rick Mathes
Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for
maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there
was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic,
Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam
gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video.
After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please,
correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of
Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world
and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are
assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the
definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he
replied, "Non-believers! "
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of
Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they
can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that
of "a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar."
He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John
Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley
ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in
heaven!"
The Imam was speechless!
I continued, "I also have problem with being your 'friend' when you and your
brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a
question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order
for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am
going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.
Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training
seminar were Not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and
exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.
In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. To elect the
President! I think everyone in the U.S . should be required to read this,
but with the Liberal justice system, liberal me dia and the ACLU, there is no
way this will be widely publicized.
Please pass this on to all your e-mail contacts.
This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in
prison ministry.
The Man who walks with God always gets to his destination.
If you have a pulse you have a purpose.
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I'VE DONE MY DUTY
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May 22, 2007 11:11 am
690 Views
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I've tagged my four bloggers. (But, NO...I'm not telling who! Read the blogs and find out.)
My five items about myself that I posted for them are:
1. You can ask me absolutely ANYTHING about RMS Titanic, and I will give you at least a "94" answer.
2. My IQ was charted at 142 by the fourth grade. I spent most of my adult life as a radio personality. Go figure!
3. I can qualify with ANY type of firearm with a perfect score of 250 out of 250.
4. I am a master amateur chef, and worked my way through part of my High School years at a cooking job.
5. I've been a practicing artist all my life. My dad started me doing charcoal landscapes at age 5. I paint, draw, and earn some income painting signs.
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MAKING A BABY
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May 20, 2007 7:39 pm
Mood: amused,
766 Views
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MAKING A BABY... There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" <>
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
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WRITE IT ON YOUR ENVELOPE
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May 20, 2007 7:34 pm
Mood: angry,
789 Views
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WRITE IT ON THE BACK OF YOUR ENVELOPES or front!
WE THINK THIS A GREAT IDEA. WE'LL START WRITING IT ON THE FRONT OF OUR ENVELOPES, TOO!
You may have heard in the news that a couple of Post Offices in Texas have been forced to take down small posters that say
"IN GOD WE TRUST ,"
The law,they say,
is being violated.
Anyway, we heard proposed on a radio station show, that we should all write
" IN GOD WE TRUST "
on the back of all our mail. After all, that's our National Motto, and it's on all the money we use to buy those stamps. We think it's a wonderful idea.
We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed.
! If you like this idea, please pass it on and DO IT. The idea of writing or stamping!
" IN GOD WE TRUST "
on our envelopes sounds good to us. WE'RE HAVING A STAMP MADE TOO!
It's been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, we have a very hard time understanding why there's such a mess about having
"In God We Trust !"
on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance.
Could it be that WE just need to take action and tell the 14% to "sit down and shut up"?
If you agree, pass this on, if not, delete!!!
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3
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FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
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May 20, 2007 7:30 pm
Mood: annoyed,
707 Views
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FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one
yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control their guns.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25.. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
27. Malpracticing doctors kill millions more people world wide than
legitimate gun owners kill.
IF YOU AGREE: PLEASE PASS THIS 'REFRESHER' ON TO 10 (OR MORE)FREE CITIZENS
If you disagree: God help you when civilization breaks down, no one else will be able to.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason
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