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Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified
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Nov 12, 2007 1:20 pm
380 Views
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Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.
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DYING WISH...
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Nov 12, 2007 9:31 am
438 Views
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I want to become a lawyer ...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?”
“It's $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?”
“That's my business! Get me the course!”
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, “One less lawyer..."
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WEDDING CEREMONY
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Nov 12, 2007 9:29 am
353 Views
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Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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VETERANS' DAY 2008
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Nov 8, 2007 1:23 pm
983 Views
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It is the VETERAN , not the preacher,
Who has given us freedom of religion.
It is the VETERAN , not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the VETERAN , not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the VETERAN , not the campus organizer,
Who has given us freedom to assemble.
It is the VETERAN , not the lawyer,
Who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the VETERAN , not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.
It is the VETERAN ,
Who salutes the Flag,
It is the veteran,
Who serves under the Flag, !
ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.
VETERANS KNOW THAT THE OATH OF ALLEGIANCE HAS NO EXPIRATION DATE.
I don't usually suggest that many emails be forwarded, but I'd be EXTREMELY proud if this one reached as many as possible. We can be very proud of our young men and women in the service no matter where they serve.
God Bless them all!!!
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Reasons to Leave work
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Nov 8, 2007 7:53 am
393 Views
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Reasons to leave work
1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I've decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It's a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy's.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out...
10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
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MEMORY TRICK
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Nov 8, 2007 7:41 am
390 Views
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Memory trick
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Ploughing at Night
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Nov 8, 2007 7:39 am
444 Views
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Ploughing at Night
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
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Do Martians Drive SUVs ?
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Nov 8, 2007 7:17 am
434 Views
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How Interesting!
Our telemetry data and research show that OTHER planets in our solar system (Venus, Mars, etc.) are also gradually getting warmer.
Since the Mars Rover operated only on sealed batteries, I think we can rule out the burning of fossil fuels.
Hey Al Gore...EXPLAIN HOW WE CAUSED THAT!
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Paul Harvey on Raising Our Kids
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Nov 8, 2007 6:31 am
447 Views
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Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen!
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only ! way to a ppreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.
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Bodyguard for the GirlieGurl ???
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Nov 7, 2007 10:22 am
438 Views
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Have you noticed that every time Hillary gets her panties in a wringer during a debate, that Bill has to come out the next day denouncing those who asked her whatever question got her into trouble?
Do you suppose that it will ever dawn on those to the left of political center that anyone campaigning to be THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD should be able to hold her own without hubby defending her at every turn?
1) Open Mouth
2) Insert Foot
3) Chew Vigorously
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