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APPROACH TO BAGDAD
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Sep 8, 2007 8:28 pm
391 Views
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Approach into Baghdad by a Marine Corps C130 pilot.
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There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots, and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties.
It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf--hotter than a rectal thermometer. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight and blacker than a Steven King novel. But its 2006, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology - namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.
Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can't polish a turd?
At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat's ass.
But I've digressed. The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn't bet my pink butt on that theory, but the approach is fun as hell, and that's the real reason we fly it.
We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts.
It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herc to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the "Ninety / Two-Seventy."
Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing. "Flaps Fifty! Landing Gear Down! Before Landing Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat pooping on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the Nags, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at my steely eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am ... "Where do we find such fine young men?"
"Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat.Now it's all aim-point and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there are no lights, I'm on NVGs its Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all suprisingly, I grease the Goodyear's on brick one of runway 33 left, bring the throttle to gtound idle and then force the props to reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air.
The huge, one hundred forty-thousand pound, lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let's see a Viper do that!
We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts. It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam's home.
Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder Beretta 92F 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then I thank God I'm not in the Army.
Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's probably some truth there, too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this hole. Hey copilot how's 'bout the 'Before Starting Engines Checklist."
God, I love this job!
Semper Fi!
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THE BRONZE RAT
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Sep 8, 2007 8:20 pm
374 Views
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The Bronze Rat
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.
Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like,
life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so
striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze
rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring
it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the
rat and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and
began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting,
so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of
blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began
squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look
around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the
millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and
faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the
bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water
after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner,
"You're bringing it back !"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you
want for that little bronze Mexican over there.
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Welcome to America - TENJOOBERRYMUDS
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Sep 6, 2007 10:25 am
497 Views
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By the time you read through this
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS...)
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right
in with the growing trend!!
The following is a telephone exchange between
a hotel guest and room-service:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin!
Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
RS: "Owl July den?"
G: ".....What??"
RS: "Owl July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry... scrambled, please."
RS: "Owl July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I... don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes?
Owl bow Anglish moppin we bodder ?
G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it!
You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?!?"
G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy... tea... meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem,
Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy..rye ??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."
G: "You're welcome."
and Welcome to America
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A riddle for today...
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Sep 6, 2007 10:16 am
436 Views
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A Riddle For You:
What gets longer when pulled:
Fits between the b00bs :
Inserts neatly in a hole:
And works best when jerked:
Scroll down to find the answer......
A SEAT BELT
you pervert!!!
BUCKLE UP and pass it on
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Cop versus Little Girl
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Sep 5, 2007 8:30 pm
588 Views
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"Cop Vs Little Girl" ---- A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did Santa bring it to you?"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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WHY Women are Crabby
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Sep 5, 2007 8:23 pm
643 Views
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Why Women Are Crabby
(Author Unknown)
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding mounds, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having s*x for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little. And send it to seven men you know that can take it.
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Woman 1 - Man 0
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Sep 5, 2007 8:14 pm
601 Views
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A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed and
squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says 'I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not
only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42 year old arse?'
'Your name never came up' she replied. Woman 1 - Man 0
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A Riddle for You...
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Sep 5, 2007 5:39 pm
676 Views
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Here's a riddle for the true intellectuals.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?---(see below)
Don't look down
Don't look down.
Don't look down!
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HONOR 9-11 PROPERLY.
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Sep 4, 2007 4:06 pm
471 Views
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Get your flag ready for 09/11/2007
Please join us in this FLY THE FLAG campaign and PLEASE forward this Email
immediately to everyone in your address book asking them to also forward it.
We have a little less than one week and counting to get the word out all
across this great land and into every community in the United States of
America.
If you forward this email to least 11 people and each of those people do the
same ... you get the idea.
THE PROGRAM:
On Monday, September 11th, 2007, an American flag should be displayed
outside every home, apartment, office, and store in the United States. Every
individual should make it their duty to display an American flag on this
sixth anniversary of our country's worst tragedy. We do this honor of those
who lost their lives on 9/11, their families, friends and loved ones who
continue to endure the pain, and those who today are fighting at home and
abroad to preserve our cherished freedoms.
In the days, weeks and months following 9/11, our country was bathed in
American flags as citizens mourned the incredible losses and stood
shoulder-to-shoulder against terrorism. Sadly, those flags have all but
disappeared. Our patriotism pulled us through some tough times and it
shouldn't take another attack to galvanize us in solidarity. Our American
flag is the fabric of our country and together we can prevail over terrorism
of all kinds.
Action Plan:
So, here's what we need you to do:
(1) Forward this email to everyone you know (at least 11 people). Please
don't be the one to break this chain. Take a moment to think back to how you
felt on 9/11 and let those sentiments guide you.
(2) Fly an American flag of any size on 9/11. Honestly, Americans should fly
the flag year-round, but if you don't, then at least make it a priority on
this day.
Thank you for your participation. God Bless You and God Bless America!
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To link to this blog (broadcastdeejay) use [blog broadcastdeejay] in your messages.
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