|
The Lowest Form of Humor?
|
Oct 7, 2007 7:45 pm
413 Views
|
Puns Are The Lowest Form of Humor
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
What Your Boss REALLY Means...
|
Oct 4, 2007 4:48 pm
493 Views
|
Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
|
You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
|
Oct 4, 2007 4:44 pm
493 Views
|
You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
*You sleep with your eyes open
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward
*You lick your coffee pot clean
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
*You can jump-start your car without cables
*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
*You don't sweat, you percolate
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
|
LESSONS LEARNED BY A PARENT
|
Oct 4, 2007 4:42 pm
417 Views
|
Lessons Learned By a Parent
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass right through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
This Season's Pet Term: POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
|
Oct 4, 2007 8:32 am
506 Views
|
This year's contemporary term is:
Political Correctness.
Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and the mainstream
media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
|
CANDY DISPENSER
|
Oct 3, 2007 3:50 pm
466 Views
|
Candy Dispenser
While I was visiting my niece one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.
As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.
"I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
MINIMUM WAGE EARNER
|
Oct 3, 2007 3:47 pm
457 Views
|
Minimum Wage Earner
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
THE IRISH APPLICANT
|
Oct 3, 2007 3:45 pm
418 Views
|
Murphy applied for an engineering position ...
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Southern Football versus Northern Football
|
Oct 3, 2007 3:42 pm
463 Views
|
A MUST READ for all you Southern Football fans.....how true this is!!!!
Differences between college football games in the North and South
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. (Who IS Sylvia Plath?)
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand the I-formation
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani, Hilary Clinton
SOUTH: John Heisman, Bobby Dodd, and Paul "Bear" Bryant
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class
Game Day:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. Just follow the crowd of people.
On game day, one of the most amazing structures ever built by man becomes the state's third largest city
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH !!!
|
Oct 2, 2007 11:20 am
465 Views
|
Home Depot customer
My Friends, I give you -
THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!
This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.
The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.
The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver.
While the plywood and 2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains - are you ready for this? - 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.
They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.
And these people VOTE.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
To link to this blog (broadcastdeejay) use [blog broadcastdeejay] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
35
|
41
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
