| Things Not To Say To A Cop |
Jan 3, 2008 3:33 pm
Mood: silly, 583 Views |  | ...but I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Aren't you one of the Village People? |
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4 Comments | |
| The Most Important Body Part |
Jan 3, 2008 3:21 pm
Mood: thoughtful, 596 Views |  | My mother used to ask me what is the most important part of the body.
Through the years I would take a guess at what I thought was the correct answer.
When I was younger, I thought sound was very important to us as humans, so I said, "My ears, Mommy."
She said, "No. Many people are deaf.
But you keep thinking about it and I will ask you again soon."
Several years passed before she asked me again.
Since making my first attempt, I had contemplated the correct answer.
So this time I told her, "Mommy, sight is very important to everybody, so it must be our eyes."
She looked at me and told me, "You are learning fast, but the answer is not correct because there are many people who are blind."
Stumped again, I continued my quest for knowledge and over the years, Mother
asked me a couple more times and always her answer was, "No.
But you are getting smarter every year, my child."
Then one year, my grandfather died. Everybody was hurt. Everybody was crying.
Even my father cried. I remember that especially because it was only the second
time I saw him cry.
My Mom looked at me when it was our turn to say our final good-bye to my Grandfather.
She asked me, "Do you know the most important body part yet, my dear?"
I was shocked when she asked me this now. I always thought this was a game between her and me. She saw the confusion on my face and told me, "This question is very important. It shows that you have really lived in your life. For every body part you gave me in the past, I have told you were wrong and I have given you an example why. But today is the day you need to learn this important lesson."
She looked down at me as only a mother can. I saw her eyes well up with tears. She said, "My dear, the most important body part is your shoulder."
I asked, "Is it because it holds up my head?"
She replied, "No, it is because it can hold the head of a friend or a loved one when
they cry. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometime in life, my dear. I only
hope that you have enough love and friends that you will always have a shoulder
to cry on when you need it."
Then and there I knew the most important body part is not a selfish one.
It is sympathetic to the pain of others.
People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did .
But people will NEVER forget how you made them feel. |
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4 Comments | |
| Ten Commandments of Love |
Jan 3, 2008 3:12 pm
Mood: silly, 555 Views |  | 1. I am thy Main Squeeze;
thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain,
nor badmouth me behind my back.
3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy.
Or else.
4. Honor MY mother and father.
THINE are too damn weird.
5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
7. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom,
nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze,
nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW. |
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4 Comments | |
| A Husband's Moment of Realization |
Jan 2, 2008 5:27 pm
Mood: silly, 604 Views |  | A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side... You know what?"
“ What dear?" She asked gently.
“ I think you bring me bad luck." |
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4 Comments | |
| Redneck 911 Call |
Jan 2, 2008 5:21 pm
Mood: giggly, 594 Views | A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?" | |
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6 Comments | |
| How Dog's Feel About Human's |
Jan 2, 2008 5:10 pm
Mood: amused, 549 Views |  | 1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG !!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet....
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
9. Dog sweaters... Have you noticed the fur? Sheesh!
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home!
11. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
13. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
14. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the VISIBLE fence problem! |
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5 Comments | |
| ANNIE |
Jan 1, 2008 7:52 pm
Mood: romantic, 659 Views | This is my favorite song in all the world. John Denver's first marriage was to Annie Martell of Sleepy Eye, Minnesota. Annie was the subject of his much-beloved hit "Annie's Song", which was written by Denver during a hike in a state park near New Ulm, Minnesota. . I think it is probably the most beautifull love song ever written.
Annies Song
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again | |
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5 Comments | |
| NEW WORDS |
Jan 1, 2008 7:30 pm
Mood: weird, 531 Views |  | The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:
1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.):
The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole. |
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5 Comments | |
| TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS |
Jan 1, 2008 7:23 pm
Mood: giggly, 482 Views |  | TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS
WHILE PLAYING GOLF AND/OR
TAKE A LEAK IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay our of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long,
please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!...
while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes. |
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5 Comments | |
| WILD AND FREE |
Jan 1, 2008 7:15 pm
Mood: devious, 432 Views |  | There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis.
So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with the cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied: "Look at that--
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
And when I got to be 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat." |
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5 Comments | |
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