| Come Hell or High Water |
Jan 27, 2008 6:11 pm
Mood: silly, 866 Views |  | One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!" |
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7 Comments | |
| Can I Take Your Picture? |
Jan 27, 2008 6:08 pm
Mood: silly, 817 Views |  | A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body, would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body. And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too, would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body. And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!" |
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8 Comments | |
| Birds and Bees Talk |
Jan 22, 2008 6:31 pm
810 Views |  | A mommy asked her nine-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong.
"Oh Mom," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech!
and now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got
nothing left to live for!" |
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5 Comments | |
| The Special List |
Jan 22, 2008 6:12 pm
623 Views |  | One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers. That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students who had joined the army was killed. His teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded:"yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot." After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher."We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it." All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists." That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again. The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late. Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.
May Your Day Be Blessed And As Special As You Are |
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4 Comments | |
| The Expert |
Jan 22, 2008 6:03 pm
571 Views |  | An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't
want to try these techniques at home."
“ Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
“ I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,
often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you
try carrying several things at once?'"
“ Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
“ Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make
breakfast. Now I do it in seven." |
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4 Comments | |
| Viagra On A Daily Basis |
Jan 20, 2008 10:06 pm
790 Views | A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all … nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." | |
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6 Comments | |
| Entertaining Angels |
Jan 20, 2008 9:53 pm
Mood: contemplative, 627 Views |  | It was fifty years ago, on a hot summer day, in the deep south.
We lived on a dirt road, on a sand lot. We were, what was known as "dirt poor".
I had been playing outside all morning in the sand.
Suddenly, I heard a sharp clanking sound behind me, and
looking over my shoulder my eyes were drawn to a strange sight!
Across the dirt road were two rows of men,
dressed in black and white, striped, baggy uniforms.
Their faces were covered with dust and sweat.
They looked so weary, and they were chained together with huge, black, iron chains. Hanging from the end of each chained row was a big, black, iron ball.
They were, as polite people said in those days, a "Chain Gang,"
guarded by two, heavily armed, white guards.
I stared at the prisoners as they settled uncomfortably down in the dirt,
under the shade of some straggly trees. One of the guards walked towards me.
Nodding as he passed, he went up to our front door and knocked.
My mother appeared at the door, and I heard the guard ask
if he could have permission to get water from the pump, in the backyard,
so that his “men could have a drink".
My mother agreed, but I saw a look of concern on her face, as she called me inside.
I stared through the window as each prisoner was unchained from the line,
to hobble over to the pump and drink his fill from a small tin cup,
while a guard watched vigilantly.
It wasn't long before they were all chained back up again,
with prisoners and guards retreating into the shade, away from an unrelenting sun.
I heard my mother call me into the kitchen, and
I entered to see her bustling around with tins of tuna fish,
mayonnaise, our last loaf of bread, and two, big pitchers of lemonade.
In what seemed like "a blink of an eye", she had made a tray of sandwiches,
using all the tuna we were to have had for that night's supper.
My mother was smiling as she handed me one of the pitchers of lemonade,
cautioning me to “carry it carefully" and to "not spill a drop."
Then, lifting the tray in one hand and holding a pitcher in her other hand,
she marched me to the door, deftly opening it with her foot,
and trotted me across the street.
She approached the guards, flashing them with a brilliant smile.
"We had some leftovers from lunch," she said,
"and I was wondering if we could share with you and your men."
She smiled at each of the men,
searching their dark eyes with her own eyes of "robin's egg blue."
Everyone started to their feet.
"Oh no!" she said. "Stay where you are! I'll just serve you!"
Calling me to her side, she went from guard to guard,
then from prisoner to prisoner, filling each tin cup with lemonade, and giving each man a sandwich. It was very quiet, except for a "thank you, ma'am," and
the clanking of the chains. Very soon we were at the end of the line, my mother's eyes softly scanning each face.
The last prisoner was a big man, his dark skin pouring with sweat
and streaked with dust.
Suddenly, his face broke into a wonderful smile,
as he looked up into my mother's eyes, and he said,
"Ma'am, I've wondered all my life if I'd ever see an angel, and now I have! Thank you!" Again, my mother's smile took in the whole group.
"You're all welcome!" she said. "God bless you."
Then we walked across to the house, with empty tray and pitchers, and back inside.
Soon, the men moved on, and I never saw them again.
The only explanation my mother ever gave me,
for that strange and wonderful day, was that I
"remember always to entertain strangers, for by doing so,
you may entertain angels, without knowing."
Then, with a mysterious smile, she went about the rest of the day.
I don't remember what we ate for supper, that night.
I just know it was served by an angel. |
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4 Comments | |
| Two Old Ladies |
Jan 19, 2008 9:14 pm
612 Views |  | Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for
some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the
other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the
garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down
dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead! |
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5 Comments | |
| TAKE THIS TEST |
Jan 19, 2008 8:57 pm
Mood: amused, 615 Views |  | Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out.
1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between.
2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together.
4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on...
6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.
7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color.
9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark. |
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7 Comments | |
| ~A Cat, A Dog, And A Fire Truck ~ |
Jan 18, 2008 10:30 am
Mood: silly, 710 Views |  | A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." |
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9 Comments | |
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