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Country Girl In Bluejeans
  
Things that run through annies little mind.
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Redneck Rules Of Southern Living Dec 17, 2007 2:16 pm
Mood: silly, 601 Views
yeppers i'm back with my redneck humor

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y''all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
5 Comments
3 Shots Dec 16, 2007 2:34 pm
Mood: devilish, 692 Views
Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.

The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then
waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.

The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the
hour until I ran out of arrows."
6 Comments
Settling a cow case Dec 16, 2007 11:10 am
Mood: giggely, 569 Views
2 funny not to post

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
5 Comments
Mother-in-law killed Dec 15, 2007 3:52 pm
Mood: laughing, 651 Views
this is not mine but it is so funny wanted to share

Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
8 Comments
THE REDNECK AND THE INDIANS Dec 14, 2007 5:04 pm
Mood: silly, 691 Views
Two Indians and a redneck were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of
the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooed! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an
answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the
cave. The redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our
custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is
a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The Indian
ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The redneck
wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great
big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, "Hoo, doggie! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood
in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes
and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he
ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED
REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
8 Comments
Redneck Computer Jargon Dec 14, 2007 2:59 pm
Mood: playfull, 581 Views
1. LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
3. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the stove
4. DOWNLOAD: Gittin the farwood off the truck
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gittin the farwood
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from trying to tote too much farwood
7. RAM: Dat thar thing whut splits the farwood
8. HARD DRIVE: Gitting home in the winter time
9. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
10. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
11. BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
12. CHIP:Munchies fer the Tv
13. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
14. MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields
15. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
16. KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
17. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes
18. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn
19. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
20. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
21. PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
22. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'Mon in Y'all"
23. CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun
24. DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger
25. REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you forgot to use the outhouse.
26. MEG: The name of ma girlfriend
27. GIG: A job fer the nights
28. APPLICATION: A bid fer employment
29. PROGRAM: A TV show
30. URSOR: Someone using profanity
31. MEMORY: Sumthin dat you lost with age
32. CD: A bank account
33. COMPRESS: Sumthin you did to the garbage
34. UNZIPED: Whut put you in jail if you did this in public
35. BACKUP: Sumthin dat happened to yer commode
36. CUT: Whutcha did with a pocket knife
37. PASTE: Whutcha did with glue
38. WEB: A spider's home
39. VIRUS: The flu
5 Comments
WHAT WE SAY V WHAT WE MEAN Dec 14, 2007 11:22 am
Mood: silly, 641 Views
What Guys Say and What They Mean

1) "It's just orange juice, try it." ("3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.")
2) "She's kinda cute." ("I wanna bang her til I'm blue.")
3) "I dunno if I like her." ("She won't blow me.")
4) "I need you." ("My hand is tired.")
5) "I had her." ("I had wet dreams about her all week.")
6) "I really wanna get to know you better." ("So we can do what I tell my friends we do already.")
7) "How do I compare with all your other BFs?" ("Is my penis really that small?")
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about." ("You're the only girl that hasn't rejected me.")
9) "I want you back." ("...for tonight anyway.")
10) "We've been through so much together." ("If not for you, I never would've lost my virginity.")
11) "I miss you so much." ("I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.")
12) "No, I don't wanna dance right now." (Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on!")
13) "The break-up should not start for another few hours." ("I wanna have sex a few more times.")
14) "I'm different from all the other guys." ("I'm not circumcised.")

What Women Say and What They Mean

1) "Can't we just be friends?" ("There is no way in hell I am ever gonna let any part of your body touch mine again.")
2) "I just need some space." ("Yea, space without you in it.")
3) "Can you help me with my homework?" ("If I keep whining the fool will do it for me.")
4) "Do I look fat in this dress?" ("We haven't had a fight in awhile.")
5) "No, pizza's fine" ("Cheap bastard!")
6) "I just don't want a BF right now." ("I just don't want you as a BF.")
7) "I dunno; what do you wanna do?" ("I can't believe you don't have anything planned.")
"Come here." ("My puppy does this too.")
9) "I like you but..." ("I just don't like you.")
10) "You never listen." ("You never listen!")
11) "We're moving too quickly." ("I won't sleep with you til I find out if this guy in Bio has a GF or not.")
12) "I'll be ready in a minute." ("I am ready, but I'm gonna make you wait cuz I know you will.")
13) "Oh, no, I'll pay for myself!" ("I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch.")
14) "Oh, yes! Right there!" ("Well, near there; I just wanna get this over with.")
15) "I'm just goin out with the girls." ("We're gonna go out and make fun of you and your friends.")
16) "There's no one else." ("I'm doing your brother.")
17) "Size doesn't count..." ("Unless I want an orgasm.")
3 Comments
REDNECK ASTROLOGY what's your sign Dec 12, 2007 7:50 pm
Mood: silly, 648 Views
Redneck Astrology


Okra December 22 - January 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin January 21 - February 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil February 20 - March 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie March 21 - April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum April 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

Collards June 22 - July 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish July 24 - August 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits August 24 - September 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts September 24 - October 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean October 24 - November 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo November 23 - December 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.
5 Comments
REDNECK DICTIONARY PART 2 Dec 12, 2007 7:30 pm
Mood: 78, 604 Views
AH: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality.
Usage: "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
ARE: (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"
ARTERY: The Study of Paintings
AST: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills.
Usage: "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."
ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate a specific item of desire.
Usage: "Pass me attair gravy, please"
AWL: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts awl in my pickup truck."
BACKUP: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
BAR CODE: Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern.
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARIUM: What you do when CPR Fails.
BAHS: - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
BARD: - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
BIT: A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
BLEEVE: Expression of intent or faith.
Usage: "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."
BOBWAR: - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.
BYTE: What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro
CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
CESEAREAN SECTION: A District in Rome
CHEER: (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer".
COCA-COLA: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world.
Usage: "Ah hear they even sell Coca-cola in Russia."
COLE'S LAW: Thinly shredded cabbage
COLIC: A sheep Dog
CYST: To render aid.
Usage: "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."
DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."
DID: - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
DILATE: To live long
EAR: - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
EVERWHICHWAYS: To be scattered in all directions.
Usage: "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.
FAR: - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
FARN: - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
FAT: - (noun), (verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
FESTER: Quicker
Usage: I'll bet that Leroy is Fester than you are.
FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
FUR: Because of or to indicate possession.
Usage: "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."
GOOD OLE BOY: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order.
Usage: "Bubba's a good ole boy."
GRIYUTS: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits.
Usage: "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
GUMMIT: - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!
4 Comments
Redneck Dictionary Dec 12, 2007 8:30 am
Mood: 13, 813 Views
How to talk redneck in one easy lesson
Aig - What a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - What you set in
Crick - A small stream
Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - What you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - What get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - Hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - Where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - Whats between the hills
Hard - Got a brend new hard
hand Tar - His core blew a tar
Laymun - A sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - What you climb up
Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - What you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - No
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - A light red color
Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - A paper bag or sack
Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
Salit - A green vegetable
Puppet - What the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - You wear it on your fanger
Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - Rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - Small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - A soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho - Tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - A bobbed war fance
Worsh - Go worsh your face
Warter - What you worsh your face in
Yurp - A continent overseas
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