| BUBBA CLAUS |
Dec 23, 2007 11:34 am
Mood: silly, 483 Views |  | and his pick up lines lol
Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
Care to see my twelve-inch elf?
I've got something special in the sack just for you!
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my favorite toys run on batteries ...
Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it ...)
I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Scr3w the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
I got your stocking stuffer right here! |
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4 Comments | |
| HIGHT -TECH REDNECK |
Dec 23, 2007 11:10 am
Mood: amused, 469 Views |  | You May Be a High-Tech Redneck if...
1. You post squirrel recipes on a website.
2. You've ever bought beer online.
3. You write to Hewlett-Packard to sponsor a NASCAR team.
5. You've modeled your new 'Daisy Dukes' for a webcam.
6.You have a celphone headset for your fishing boat.
7.Your robot dog is named 'Bubba'.
8. You paid more for your computer than you did for your house.
9. You subscribe to the chewing tobacco newsgroup.
10 .Your windows wallpaper is the confederate flag.
11. Your IM lists are "Hunting buddies" and "Mama'n them".
12. Your ringtone is a Hank Williams song.
13. You changed beauty shops because they didn't offer websurfing under the hair driers.
14. You modified your gunrack to hold a rifle AND your laptop.
15. You help install a wireless hotspot zone in your favorite Honky Tonk.
16. You've ever called Graceland to tell them their webcam was down.
17.You have your monster truck magazine collection on CD-ROM.
18. You've ever been to a computer show wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt.
19. You've used your shoe's spike heel to pry out a DVD that was stuck in the player.
20. Your ISP's office is on a gravel road.
21. You sent your husband an Ecard of Dolly Parton on the first day of deer season.
22. You have John Deer stickers on your mouse.
23. You wrote a really cool flash animation that involves Jack Daniels.
24. You've ever emailed a digital photo of your new tattoo.
26. You know the GPS coordinates of your deer stand and duck blind.
27. You've used a locking CD case to close a bag of salsa chips.
28. You've ever spilled moonshine on your Blackberry.
29. You wired your grandma's outhouse with broadband just for giggles.
30. You've ever painted a URL on an overpass. |
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3 Comments | |
| Oh For a Fur Coat |
Dec 20, 2007 2:21 pm
508 Views |  | Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show
the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes
in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir
that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the man returns. The store owner is
outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in
your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!" |
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5 Comments | |
| Barracks and Soldiers |
Dec 20, 2007 2:11 pm
500 Views |  | woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me ma'am, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffel
bags" |
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4 Comments | |
| A Teachers Comeback |
Dec 18, 2007 8:55 pm
Mood: silly, 555 Views | A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's
it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the
room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand." | |
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7 Comments | |
| Hissie Fits and Conniptions |
Dec 18, 2007 10:17 am
533 Views |  | Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption ... and, that you don't "HAVE" them ... you "PITCH" them.
Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is...as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is NOT a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'! )
Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or twenty miles.
Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," or the first name of someone, or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines" ... and, when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put a hundred true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful ... that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food and, that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'" ... you know that you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it ... We do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And, a true Southerner knows that you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart". and, go your own way, unbothered, without even honking. |
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5 Comments | |
| Redneck Rules Of Southern Living |
Dec 17, 2007 2:16 pm
Mood: silly, 561 Views |  | yeppers i'm back with my redneck humor
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y''all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. |
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5 Comments | |
| 3 Shots |
Dec 16, 2007 2:34 pm
Mood: devilish, 661 Views | Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.
The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then
waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.
The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the
hour until I ran out of arrows." | |
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6 Comments | |
| Settling a cow case |
Dec 16, 2007 11:10 am
Mood: giggely, 543 Views | 2 funny not to post
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." | |
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5 Comments | |
| Mother-in-law killed |
Dec 15, 2007 3:52 pm
Mood: laughing, 624 Views | this is not mine but it is so funny wanted to share
Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" | |
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8 Comments | |
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