Ten Commandments of Love
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Posted:Jan 3, 2008 3:12 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2008 2:44 pm 6274 Views
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1. I am thy Main Squeeze;
thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain,
nor badmouth me behind my back.
3. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy.
Or else.
4. Honor MY mother and father.
THINE are too damn weird.
5. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
7. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom,
nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
8. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
9. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze,
nor or , nor stereo, nor BMW.
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A Husband's Moment of Realization
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Posted:Jan 2, 2008 5:27 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2008 3:19 pm 3802 Views
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side... You know what?"
“ What dear?" She asked gently.
“ I think you bring me bad luck."
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Redneck 911 Call
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Posted:Jan 2, 2008 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2008 3:19 pm 4057 Views
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A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
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How Dog's Feel About Human's
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Posted:Jan 2, 2008 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2008 3:19 pm 3832 Views
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1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG !!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet....
8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
9. sweaters... Have you noticed the fur? Sheesh!
10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home!
11. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
13. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
14. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the VISIBLE fence problem!
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ANNIE
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Posted:Jan 1, 2008 7:52 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2008 3:20 pm 4927 Views
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This is my favorite song in all the world. John Denver's first marriage was to Annie Martell of Sleepy Eye, Minnesota. Annie was the subject of his much-beloved hit "Annie's Song", which was written by Denver during a hike in a state park near New Ulm, Minnesota. . I think it is probably the most beautifull love song ever written.
Annies Song
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
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NEW WORDS
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Posted:Jan 1, 2008 7:30 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2008 10:12 am 3794 Views
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The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:
1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.):
The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.
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TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS
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Posted:Jan 1, 2008 7:23 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2008 10:13 am 4199 Views
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TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS
WHILE PLAYING GOLF AND/OR
TAKE A LEAK IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay our of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long,
please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!...
while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.
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WILD AND FREE
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Posted:Jan 1, 2008 7:15 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2008 10:13 am 3677 Views
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There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis.
So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with the cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied: "Look at that--
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
And when I got to be 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
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PLEASE DON'T DRIVE
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Posted:Dec 31, 2007 2:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2008 10:13 am 3626 Views
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signs when a woman should call it a night
You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.
You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someones ass and honestly believe that you could do it too.
In your last trip to pee you realize that you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
You start crying and tell everyone you see that you love them soooooooo much.
There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.
The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.
The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it look exotically sexy.
You seem to think that it's a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping cart.
You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
You fail to notice the toilet lids down when you sit on it.
Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
You're soooooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
You begin leaving the buttons open on your fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink
You take your shoes off because you really believe its their fault that your having problems walking straight.
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A Bit Of Trivia
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Posted:Dec 30, 2007 10:27 am
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2010 10:08 am 3877 Views
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Just something different. I will post the answers in the first comment, for those that would like to try and answer these. Please have fun.
1. What is the largest lake in the world?
2. what is the deepest lake in the world?
3. What is the capitol of Australia?
4. What is the highest waterfall in the world?
5. What 2 states in the US have diamond mines?
6. Who was the first American woman in space?
7. Where does the running of the bulls take place?
8. What was the first country to give women the right to vote?
9. What is the most densely populated country in the world?
10. Who was the only American president to have been a King?
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