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Expressions
  
Whatever is in my head on any given day.
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work frustrations Dec 3, 2007 5:08 pm
Mood: frustrated, 650 Views
I have a boss who possesses no vision. I am a person who has much of it.

I've been told the "holding back" as it were, of my career aspirations the last 4 years, was due to the CFO. I was told he didn't trust me, it was blamed on the CFO's assistant, who I know found me something of an upstart from the get go. My boss told me she's mostly afraid of me. I don't have the same demure, stand back and wait for it to come to me work demeanor. I go out and get it. She waited 25 years to get promoted to management. TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!! That'll be the day I stick around someplace that long waiting to be noticed and rewarded.

Well the CFO left in June, retired. We got a new CFO who immediately recognized I was under used and began revamping my position.

Something happened though two months into that. I don't know what, exactly, but I started getting reins put on me. I've thought from the conversations the new CFO has had with me that maybe there's some grooming getting done. New guy in command often means new positions.

But see, I didn't really get a new position, per say. I ran accounts payable - all entry, check/wire/EFT processing, filing, reconciling, etc. I also did all the accounting training for the building, am responsible for the 30+ non-Accounting employees who use our software, and am the go to for the Microsoft programmer who customized the accounting software.

Well the new guy came in, they took the entry, etc from my desk and gave it to another employee but I still supervise those functions. I verify all the invoices/requests for payment before she inputs, correct coding, check back up, exchange rates (we're international), and the like.

Then I was given online bill payments, foreign currency trading, policy and procedure draft writing, and just last week, the OFAC/911 compliance software to check our oversea's contacts.

I went to my boss last Friday and asked to have my job grade level re-evaluated given my new responsibilities. He doesn't feel it's necessary. He said he sees what I do as still falling within the scope of accounts payable. He also thinks I'm compensated fairly for my responsiblity level.

It's true, aside from the payroll clerk, who holds the distinction of Senior Accounting Clerk, I'm the highest paid person he oversees. I also checked my salary on Career Builder and I'm just above median range for the town I work in. I also have excellent benefits and the place is very family friendly, which is something I sorely need right now with this single motherhood adventure I embarked on 3 years ago.

I don't see the harm in re-evaluating me though. The worse that will happen is HR will come back and say I'm still accounts payable and the rest of what was added to my job falls within that description. But he won't do it. He said it's not up to him, but the CFO anyway, who has not given him permission to re-evaluate any of the Accounting positions.

I'm frustrated....again....nothing new for me and this job. I was so frustrated 2 years ago I almost quit. I don't want to run the place, I don't want a fancy title, but I'd like to get out of the box they built around me. I'm one of those people who looks at a wheel as says "how can we make it rounder." I've come up with several improvements and advances since I started there, not to mention the entire purchase order program is half my doing - the other half belonging to the Inventory Control Manager who worked on it with me and the MS programmer.

I've never tooted my own horn. Last Friday was the first time I "dared" to go to my boss and say I think my job needs to be looked at. Even if he threw me a carrot, gave me some indication of what direction my job might go in during the next year, that would be better than feeling I'm going a mile beyond what's expected for nothing.

But - he has no vision. I guess this means I have to talk to the CFO but he's in Indonesia and won't be back until the 17th.

So until then I must remain frustrated and hope, once the CFO is back and we can talk, that he has a little more vision than my boss. Or at least a carrot to throw me.
8 Comments
How Long Have You Been Blogging? Nov 28, 2007 4:09 pm
1193 Views
Not just blogging on this site, but altogether, any sites, any reasons. Online diaries can be included if they're interactive like a blog.
Less than 6 months
6 months - 1 year
1 - 3 years
3+ years
I don't blog, I just come here to read
32 Comments, 24 votes
watch out what you wish for Nov 26, 2007 6:13 pm
Mood: joyful, 734 Views
I hesitate to say too much, not because I don't want to share....geez!! I'm the original motormouth, more like I don't know when to shut up! But because I still desire a degree of privacy in some areas, despite the personal nature of what I've sometimes written.

Ever hear that James Blunt song..."You're Beautiful"? It's about a man who sees a woman who he knows is "the" one, but also knows she'll never be his.

I got an e-mail three months ago from someone on this site and the tone of it made me think of that song. He talked of having noticed my picture, specifically my eyes, and said something very sweet about how we lived too far away (1100 miles) and that it was too bad, because he'd like to see my eyes in person.

He didn't make any moves so to speak. Didn't talk about ever exchanging another e-mail. He said his piece and walked away but that song, not the words, just the general feeling of that song, stayed with me.

So I wrote him back, said we could be friends, what harm is there in that?

And so it began...and so it remains. No agenda, no projections, no plans aside from what can be done in the immediate future. We're on the same chapter and page, moving at the same pace, each happy to have their own lives and to ride the waves, as he so aptly puts it, and see where it all goes. Best of all, he is NOT in love with me!! Not to say we could never fall in love but see, that takes time, the falling part, it comes after knowing one another, not after exchanging a few month's of e-mails, IMs, letters, and phone calls. And he feels the same way, which is a wonderful thing because it takes the pressure off and allows us to just know each other in the exact way we need to.

He's also great with communication, which is a big deal to me. But I never said that, it's just how it's been. Getting something without having to mention it is a real bonus.

In 39 days we'll meet face to face and at that time we'll get to see, so to speak, if what seems to be developing in all this electronic communication has any depth. Or if it's going to just be a nice place to visit.

So I can say finally learning my lessons, coming to a familiar place but with a new sense of honesty, being open to all possiblities, most especially the fact that the someone special for me may not be driving distance away - but at least he's in this country, which is closer than some here are experiencing. Well, it's all paid off and if nothing more than a season in my romantic life comes from this, I'm better off for having known him. And if more comes from it? Then I am very fortunate indeed.

I've asked him to not post to my blog, and he's a sweetie so he's respected that. So no trying to figure out who he is At some point I'll expand, or he'll post something to his own blog that will connect the dots. For now I'm kind of enjoying holding this close and having a silly smile sometimes for no reason that makes people wonder if my meds have been upped.

After the rollercoasters, lies, disappointments, and just downright oddities that have crossed my path in the last three years, I may have gotten exactly what I wished for.

But more on that later......
14 Comments
online man #4 Nov 25, 2007 2:27 pm
Mood: happy, 747 Views
So - I had all this knowledge about myself - right? You would think that could lend to me making better choices?

Online man #4 - casual Bob, came to me from another site. He had a great sense of humor, was separated, like me, and, I discovered when we started talking, also on an endless path to ending his marriage.

We had a lot in common, the biggest thing being that neither one of us wanted to have a serious relationship. But we agreed that having someone to date, to have fun with, to enjoy one another's company with no agendas, well, that would be nice.

I pre-warned him about my one date wonders. He laughingly said I could be a commercial for someone to NOT come to the site we were on. So I rather expected he would also be a one date wonder too. And when we went out for the first time, he shook my hand after dinner and said it was great meeting me and we'd talk, I figured I was right.

But that night he sent me an e-mail with the 10 reasons why he shouldn't ask me out again including things like he had decided to give up women - all jokingly said. At the end he did ask me out, and the second date became a third, became a regular thing.

My membership on the other site, that I was paying for, was due to expire and I decided to not renew. I wasn't serial dating any longer, casual Bob was the only guy I was seeing, and I knew he could just up and leave but that was okay with me...really. I had finally left that part behind and wasn't interested in finding another so why continue to pay?

I told him I wasn't renewing my membership. I figured since he was still there he'd see I'd just disappeared and I wanted him to know. He got weird about it, even though I said I didn't expect him to stop seeing other women, I understood casual dating, I was fine with it.

He started making dates then making excuses at the last minute to cancel. Then he disappeared for a week. He had been really good with communication and I figured this meant he'd found the next best thing and was done with me.

But then he sent me an e-mail that said "remember me?" and we started talking again. Turned out he was seeing another woman but she became a bunny boiler (over possessive) and he was back. We went to dinner and I asked him if he was going to disappear on me again. He said he couldn't guarantee that.

This should have been hint enough for me to shake his hand, say we could remain friends, but that dating was out of the question. I didn't want to be anyone's convenience person. I'm worth more than that.

But I didn't do it. I didn't fall all over myself communicating with him or making myself available, but I also didn't speak my mind.

So he continued to have golf dates that ran too long, kid's activities that happened on the days he knew I was free, dinners with friends, and races - he's a runner and he does this competitively - but there I was, at the ready when he wanted to go out.

Then, he disappeared again. So I'm a little dense, it takes me more than one try sometime to get things right. But I got it right the second time.

When he reappeared, and I rather felt he would, and when he asked me at the last minute to meet him for a drink and I did, I said to him then what I should have said the first time.

I told him he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company, but friends was the best we could be. I don't like being put on the back burner, and just because I don't (can't) be married again right now, doesn't mean if someone is seeing me I don't expect to feel there is a little priority put on getting together. That I shouldn't be that person to call when he had no one else to "play" with tonight. Or when there was a few minutes while waiting for his golf buddy, dinner buddy, or while driving to one of his kids' activities. None of that would bother me if there was some forethought given to spending time with me. But there wasn't. He was only available to me when nothing more pressing was on his plate.

So after this I finally felt as if I had things right. I not only knew what I wanted, but I could recognize, AND speak up when things weren't going the way I wanted them to.

But I'm also still married. I'd glazed over this before, but fact is, this part of my life not being over is important.

Plus I'm not a body perfect Barbie Doll. I have a few extra pounds on me, though I'd been less than upfront with that when I set up profiles before. Those who see me face to face don't consider me overweight, but I don't fall into the "average" category.

Well I know dating sites can be subjective. Having those few extra pounds can make someone discount me before getting to know me. I see profiles from men that quite often state he (and shes do this too) want someone fit or athletic to "keep up with me." Not being able to keep up with someone might be true of one who weighs 400 pounds, but I'm far from that, just not fit or atheltic in build.

So I came here in August with a new set of eyes, a new set of standards, a very honest profile and thought I'd see what this would get me. Maybe not a ton of e-mails and dates, but maybe someone real.

Watch out what you wish for.....
18 Comments
lessons learned Nov 24, 2007 3:12 pm
Mood: contemplative, 606 Views
The three men I wrote about, they all taught me something. To not trust so blindly, to speak up when something isn't right, to leave when my head is telling me to. I didn't become jaded or disillusioned, I looked for the lesson, as I have tendency to do when life doesn't deal me the cards I need and the person across the table from me has all four aces. I look to see what I learned, then, try to learn how not to repeat it.

This is where therapy helped. I have a fantastic therapist. She never judged, never tried to direct where I was going, but she did question, make me examine myself and situations, and asked me to answer some very hard questions.

She also had me do something that helped me see the difference between want and need. She asked me to write out every trait I'd like to have in a man. Then the following week she had me pick out the 20 most important - in no order. Then the 10 most important of those - also in no order. Those 10 are partially listed in my "dealbreakers" post, and they are my needs - the things I should not compromise on. The next 10 are my wants, and what I should try to get. The rest of that list? Icing - nothing that should make or break a relationship - and those are preferences.

So I had this knowledge of myself that came full circle late spring. I now had a picture of what I needed, wanted and desired. I was stronger, felt better about myself, I had fully begun living this new chapter in my life.

But I was a serial dater - chain smoking boyfriends as one has so astutely labeled it. I never let myself be alone. In nearly 3 years of being without the husband, I didn't have time where I was "between" guys. I made sure of it. As soon as I knew one was not what I wanted, or something was fizzling out, I started to look for another.

The list of victims in this litany of men is the stuff fiction is made of. One date wonders: The guy who - dam, wouldn't you know it? But just today someone quit and he has to start traveling for his job, bad time to start a relationship. Or the one who just found out they were doing layoffs at his job the day before and wasn't in the mood to date...though he was still in the mood to stay on that site. The one who had no spark to take it to the next level. The one who showered me with so much attention I couldn't breath. The one with no chemistry. The one with the 4 dates to s*x rule - needless to say he never made it to date #2. And my favorite - the guy who cried over the menu at a restaurant. Cried....real tears - the choices were overwhelming him...and I wish I could say I was over exaggerating or making this one up. Unfortunately, no.

It was after him, which was in April, that I thought - time to get off this merry go round. Time to concentrate one person. Use this new found knowledge of myself. Stop getting stuck in the same traps. Stop the serial dating and give myself time to know, and maybe be disappointed by or hurt over, just one guy. Roll the dice and take my chances, without thought of rolling the dice again.

And that led me to online man #4.
4 Comments
online man #3....cont'd Nov 21, 2007 6:28 pm
Mood: thoughtful, 806 Views
This is a bit long, but I didn't want to break it up again so I left it in one piece......

There was the red flag with the CPA's drinking, but that wasn't really much of an issue after those two times he got drunk. He never got to that point again, and though he could tolerate a large amount of alcohol, he would be relatively unaffected by it.

Then there was the red flag with his undermedication. I semi-understood that. My mom hated her medication too and would go on and off of it because of the side effects. So I scoured the Internet for natural remedies, sent him links to websites, talked to a natrapath pharmacist at a health food store in town, and was supportive and understanding.

Subtly though, things began to change.

He had been married, for nearly 10 years, and was recently divorced. She left him because of the mental illness, just gave up. Or so that was how he explained it to me. And even being able to intellectualize that I was only hearing one side of the story, during the times I'd been around her she had tendency to roll her eyes and sigh and comment on how crazy he was, so I put more weight on his explanations.

There were no kids. He was so intent on not passing on the bipolarism he had a vasectomy when he was 30. But they had joint property holdings in MI and he wouldn't be fully rid of her until all the property was developed, sold, and the profits split between them.

The market there had been slow but in July last year there was on offer on one of the houses he'd built. She started hanging around more - nagging him actually about what needed to be done with the house to get it sold. She wanted her money, she was down to her last $25,000 and this made her nervous. THIS, I heard from her. The woman is a work of art, that's for sure.

He changed the longer she was around. He said she put him off balance, she had never been good for him. He only married her because it was what everyone expected them to do but he had cheated on her almost from the week after the honeymoon. It was part of why they divorced, she couldn't take the wandering any longer.

He stopped answering my e-mails. Familiar, eh? But he said he couldn't concentrate. He was off the Lithium completely now, drinking as form of medication, and said he didn't think the Paxil was working any longer because he was getting lower and lower.

I witnessed a full blown manic episode at the beginning of August. His ex had called his parents because of how he was acting. She thought he needed to be hospitalized again. He seemed fine to me, a little nervous, but I didn't think he needed to be in the hospital.

She planned an intervention. Got his parents out from MI where they live to meet with him. His dad has his power of attorney and has right to commit him if he feels it's necessary.

He had me wait in the office we had been using while he talked to his parents, and when he got there he was all over the place mentally and emotionally. He told me to leave, he was no good for me. He had said this once before and all it did was get me angry. I wanted to decide what was right for me and I stayed, despite his warnings that things would get worse.

He said he was only hanging around life to get his obligations filled. He was going to make sure the rest of the property sold and his ex got her share, and he was going to take care of me and my boys. He wanted to buy us a house because my landlords were jacking me around. He had even been looking at property. But he said as soon as that was all done he would disappear.

Then a week later, on a regular night we always saw one another because it's the night my kids are with their dad, he didn't call to confirm where we were going to meet. We always went out for dinner on those nights but I heard nothing. I knew he had a zoning meeting for some local property and figured he was tied up. I tried his cell phone off and on in the afternoon - nothing. At 4, when I knew he would be back from the meeting no matter how long it ran, I tried his townhome and the line was busy.

So after work at 4:30 I headed toward Chicago figuring he must be home, but I kept getting a busy signal when I tried to call. About 5 miles or so from his house the phone rang and his ex picked up. She didn't have keys, so I figured he had to be there, but she said he wasn't. The back door was opened and it was how she got in, then his mother called so she was talking to her. But she didn't know where he was.

I went to the office and waited - for three hours. Calling his cell phone off and on, leaving messages, and finally, giving up, I went home.

But I couldn't sleep. At 6 the next morning I was on the road, in a pouring rain, driving out to Chicago. I went back to the office and thought to wait until about 8:30 or so then go to his house. He had a client visit that day, a place he went to twice a month to do their payroll and balance their check books. I couldn't imagine he would blow them off. Then again, I couldn't imagine he would have blown me off either so what did I know?

This should have been warning enough. I should have left then, but I didn't. He talked to me that day, said he had a mental blackout the afternoon before, something I'm familiar with again because of my mom. He, like my mother was, is prone to hallucinations. He said he had been at the zoning meeting, had dropped his phone and broke it - he did wind up with another - and the next thing he knew he was on the train and it was 1 in the morning.

I continued with him though. I believed he would find his way past things. I supported him, encouraged him to take his meds, and wondered if his ex had been right back in August and he did need to be hospitalized. Any time we were to meet I'd be on pins and needles waiting to see if he would show. It was really no way to live in a relationship.

He was also sick during this time. It seemed to be the stomach flu at first, but he didn't totally get over it. It would come and go and knock him out when it happened.

On the first Wednesday in October a year ago, when he was supposed to meet me that evening, he called to say he was sick again and was going to take a nap. When I didn't hear back at 5, as I was supposed to, I called him. He sounded horrible, said he had to rest, would talk to me the next day.

But he never did. So I called that night and again his ex answered his townhouse phone. She said he had just left for MI, the closing on that house was to happen and he had to fix something before the people would sign the paperwork.

I wondered why she was there and he wasn't, but I didn't ask. Later I would find out he had been there, but didn't want to talk to me so she lied for him.

In fact, it wasn't until March of this year that he talked to me again. By then I had given up hearing from him. There had been nothing but silence since that Wednesday in October. But late in March I got a call on the business phone line, that had been forwarded to my cell phone from the start, from a mortage company wanting to verify his employment with the S corp with me.

I didn't want any more communication with him. I wanted all ties to be cut and in fact, was surprised the business line was still operational. I called his cell phone, had to look up the number from an old phone bill because I had erased all of his information from my phone, and left a message.

He didn't call back. But two days later I was intent on talking to him, putting this all to rest, so I called again, and surprisingly, he picked up. He said it was time to talk to me.

We wound up talking for 3 hours. He told me he had purposely backed out of my life. He was no good for me and knew it and because of my tenacity, my inhuman ability to just keep forgiving and pushing forward with him, he got me out of his life the only way he knew it could work - he ignored me.

He said it was the hardest thing he had ever done. He told me he loved me, in a way he had never loved anyone before, and if ever a relationship would work, it would be with me.

But he couldn't let that happen. He said I deserved better. Then he told me about the blackout in November, getting arrested in December and commited for three weeks, how he was back on the meds, and his life was evening out.

This was in March.....tax season.

He e-mailed me several times during March and April. In one of those he mentioned a medication I hadn't heard of so I looked it up to discover it's used in the treatment of cancer. He admitted to having testicular cancer. It was discovered in December when he had been commited and he was undergoing treatments for it. The Drs felt hopeful he would fully recover but it was why he had been sick those last few months with me.

The last time we spoke was May. There's a storage unit with my name on it, the last surviving piece of anything from my time with him. The rest has been dissolved. I got a notice about a late payment and called him. Again we talked for several hours, but he was different. Tax season was over, and so were the meds. I asked about this and he admitted to only being fully medicated during tax season because that's when he makes most of his money from the CPA work, and with the dwindling real estate market where he had invested, he really needed that cash.

At one time I thought I was nothing more than a reaction to a manic episode with him. But I don't feel like that anymore. I do believe the things I felt for him, from him, with him, were real. But they were also ethereal. It was not of this world, nor anything that could survive outside the small place he and I created for it.

The box, it's how I used to refer to his relationship with me. It was like we had this box for the two of us, and the rest of life went on around this box. But a few times a week we would get together and take the top off the box, jump inside, and close ourselves in.

So I can say I once had everything I wanted. Everything. But it lacked some very important components of what I needed.

Knowing what I needed though is something that didn't fully come to light until July of this year....and after online man #4.
24 Comments
online man #3 Nov 20, 2007 7:47 pm
Mood: sad, 753 Views
So okay Misty, you're right, mistake can only be used if I didn't learn anything, and I learned a lot, from each of these men, so I'm changing my word. They're men, not mistakes.

I didn't really know myself as I was making my way through the land of Internet dating. I didn't know who I was or what I truly needed from a man. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be accepted and loved and cherished - warts and all. I was in therapy, making discoveries, but not yet to the place I am now. This was almost 2 years ago. I was in the wrong place to find what I needed - but what I needed was something I didn't come to a true definition of until this summer.

#3 came into my life a year ago during tax season. He's a CPA, has his own shingle, and there's an importance to the fact we met during tax season, because it's only during tax season that he's capable of interpersonal relationships. But I didn't know that at the time.

I met him on the sister site. He wrote a very long, well thought out, beautifully constructed e-mail to me where he claimed to be my male counterpart. He talked of all the similarities between us - and there were alot. But I wasn't buying it. I knew the pharmacist was a player and I was on the look out for other players.

My response was somewhat challenging and not very warm. I didn't expect to hear back from him, but did, and something in that second e-mail struck a chord with me. So I wrote back and we continued this most of the day.

The following day I asked him if he would take the correspondence off the site. I wasn't a paying member and could only send a certain number of e-mails in one day. I gave him the e-mail I used for that sight only, and in response I got an e-mail from him, not from some free online e-mailing service, but from his home internet account. It also had his first and last name on it, that, upon checking it with the online yellow pages, I discovered to be exactly where he had told me he lived, and with a listed phone number.

He was having a dinner party that night for some friends and sent me short, conversational type e-mails all night as he found reasons to be downstairs in his townhome to check my response and send me one of his own.

Over the next few weeks we became very close. So close that I told the pharmacist about the CPA and that I wanted to concentrate on him so I didn't think it was a good idea we continued to see one another. He was very cool about it, not angry, upset, but rather understanding. He hugged me, said he'd always be my friend, and to look him up again if things with the CPA didn't work out.

There was nothing the CPA and I couldn't talk about. We had this bald honesty that led to him listing his 10 bad traits to me one day in e-mail. At the end of the list was the fact that he suffered from severe depression, but he was on medication and it had saved his life.

I didn't consider this a strike, I understand mental illness, I was raised with it through my mother who was manic depressive. Besides, this man accepted me in the way I wanted to be accepted, there was nothing he wasn't willing to give me, I cherished him.

He's not particularly good looking. By his own admission he's a cross between Howdy Doody and David Letterman. Not that bad, really, but definitely not the kind of guy who would stop women in their tracks. To me though, he was gorgeous. His intelligence and sense of humor, the way he looked right into me with these beautiful green eyes, the way he listened when I talked, like gold was pouring from my mouth, well all of that made him an Adonis in my eyes.

It was after I was hooked, beyond hooked really, that the other side of his severe depression was revealed. He drank, quite a bit, but he seemed able to hold it without problem. Though a few months into getting to know him the drinking became more pronounsed. There was an incident where I wound up having to limp his car home (a stick shift I didn't know how to drive) because he was incapable of driving himself. Then the following week he was several hours late calling me from when he had said he would, and obviously drunk. I was concerned that this man who I was falling quite hard for was an alcoholic, and I had no idea what to do with that.

The next day he called and said the drinking was a form of self medication. He wasn't just depressed, he was bipolar. He took Paxil for the lows and Lithium for mood stabilizing, but he hated the Lithium and only took it when he had to. He treated it like aspirin - feel a little bipolar today, better take a Lithium.

Maybe I should have run. But I didn't. I couldn't. Aside from understanding this, I also thought I could handle it. I was the one with my mom during her bad times with her illness. I knew bipolarism in a very personal and intimate way. I was sure I could handle it and besides, I thought he was worth it. Actually, at the time, I knew he was worth it.

He's very well off. A CPA by trade who harbored this desire to build houses and had invested money a few years before he met me into some real estate in MI that had paid off big. He only kept his clients on for sentimental reasons and did minimal work with them. He lived in a half million dollar townhome in Chicago, drove a BMW he had paid cash for, loved to eat and took me to some of the best restaurants in the city and outlying areas. He bought me the laptop I'm writing this blog with, even signed a loan for my oldest son so he didn't have to leave his school.

I couldn't believe my good fortune. Maybe this was the payoff for the years of crud I put up with in my marriage. I started to push my estranged husband to sign the paperwork - something he had been, and continues, to stall on doing. I didn't want to marry the CPA, he didn't want to marry me either, but we wanted to be more fully in one another's lives.

I even introduced him to my kids, though not as a love interest. We worked around that because, well, I wasn't divorced yet. I'm not supposed to have boyfriends. So he made me his business partner, a venture he was serious about pursuing. I have an accounting background - 20 years of it. I'm good at A/R & A/P, I can run circles with a general ledger, know fund accounting like the back of my hand. He needed someone like that he could hand his clients to so he could concentrate on the general contracting.

He made us an S corp in the state of IL. Refurbished some office space he owned with a lawyer who was a business partner in one of his land ventures. We had dreams of working this together. I'd leave the job I was at (the one I'm still at today) and make a go of this business with him.

.............

I had a feeling writing about this one would run long. So there will be a part 2.
14 Comments
online mistake #2 Nov 19, 2007 8:43 pm
Mood: contemplative, 780 Views
This disappeared from my blog about an hour after I posted it so....let's see if it makes it now.

Learning a bit about my romantic tendencies in therapy, and out to prove that all men weren't abusive jerks in one way or the other, I joined a dating site. It was the sister site to FF and I chose that because I was still married. Separated, knew I would be divorced, but I didn't know how my separated status would add up on a traditional dating site. So I went where I thought I would be better accepted.

I met a few interesting guys, nothing too great, until October two years ago, when this guy e-mailed me - articulate, obviously intelligent, and very interested in me. He asked me a lot of questions, seemed genuinely interested, and also offered much about himself too. So it wasn't one sided.

He was online at odd hours though, that at first made me question if he was married, but I found out he was a pharmacist who works for a chain so he has rotating hours, and some late nights.

I found this out because I got sick at the end of October that year with something the doctors never fully diagnosed and that caused me to miss a month of work. During this time I talked to the pharmacist alot. I was on during the day before he went to work, or later at night when he got home. He'd leave me off line messages when we missed one another and was very sweet and attentive. He didn't push to meet me either, or even to talk on the phone. He was content getting to know me slowly, and I liked that.

When we did meet, almost 2 months after we first started talking, there were literal fireworks. I'd never had that kind of physical reaction to someone before. He kissed me in a parking lot and the lights went off where we were standing. Obviously some programmed thing, but it seemed fitting given all the electricity between us.

This started an intense physical relationship that was just as emotionally bonding. He told me a month later he'd never say he loved me, it was way too soon for that, but that I was someone very important in his life and a priority to him. He also gave me a $200 watch for Christmas, said I was worth it, sent me long e-mails, showered me with phone calls, called me babe, sweetheart, and sexy. Let's top this with the fact he's very good looking - blond hair, blue eyes, killer smile. He runs marathons so he has a great body. He had all the moves in all the right places, this was (seemingly) the whole package.

I was guarded, having learned a little of myself in therapy, and didn't want to jump too fast. I waited, held off, didn't immediately give into the path he was taking us on, but after almost 4 months relented. I gave in to what I was feeling, even deleted my profile on the site to devote myself entirely to him. Then about a week later he told me in IM one night that we may not be able to talk to each other as much as we'd like, but to know that I was very important to him and that he loved me very much.

Then the communication changed. The e-mails stopped being responded to, he'd say he was too busy and didn't get online. The regular Sunday night IMs were gone. The calls dwindled, and sometimes it would be two or three days between them. I suspected he was seeing someone else and asked him but he told me to not be silly.

But when he'd talk to me about the other women he'd known before, the number began to change, or he'd start talking in the present tense, like it was something that just happened. I didn't question, I figured if he wasn't going to tell me the truth there was nothing I could do to make him. But I had this deep need to know what was going on so I signed up on the site again, different name, no picture, blurred the lines of where I lived, how old I was, even my education, and watched him.

Sure enough, when he was too busy to respond to my e-mails because he wasn't online, or when the Sunday night IMs weren't happening, he was on the site, it showed him there.

But did I say anything? NO!! Not even when he sent an e-mail to that profile I had created to watch him with saying the EXACT thing to that profile person he had no idea was me, that he had said to me in the first e-mail back the October before.

I decided he wasn't really the person I thought he was, but didn't stop seeing him, didn't corner or confront him. The physical and emotional bonding was hard to walk away from, even though I knew it wasn't good for me. Instead, I went looking for that person to give me what I wanted. I began answering the e-mails that came to my inbox there and then I met......online mistake #3.
26 Comments
online mistake #1 Nov 18, 2007 1:57 pm
Mood: contemplative, 683 Views
When first separated - three years ago this month - I spent a lot of time online. It's when I stopped watching TV. I became absorbed in this online world, it was my escape from the realities surrounding me and all the fears of being alone.

Not on a dating site, not even remotely close to a dating site, but in another onlne community, I met a man. He was very intelligent, but something of a trouble maker on the message board that was part of this website. He would start arguments, post something controversial that would at first get people flaming him, but in a short amount of time, he'd maneuver the argument so that these people were now fighting with one another. Then he'd stand back and watch.

I saw this happening over the course of a week's time and couldn't figure out why these people couldn't see what he was doing. So I stepped into one of the arguments to say - HEY! Don't you people see he's playing you?

Well this started a war of words, and minds, between he and I that ended with me inadvertantly agreeing to chat with him online.

To explain how that happened would take too much blog space and isn't important. What is important is that he captured my heart. He said everything I had been dying to hear for years from a man. He cherished me. He could finish my sentences. He threw out hearts and flowers and romance. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found him.

I saw some inconsistencies, but I forgave them. I wanted, so very desperately, to have someone talk to me as he was, I let a lot go.

He lives 450 miles from me in OH and fool that I was, I traveled there to see him. More than once. He never came here. He had plenty of excuses and reasons, and I, in that desperate emotional state - though one I NEVER would have admitted to being in - did all I could to be close to him and wrap those great emotional feelings around myself.

A few months into this I started to question things that didn't line up. I'd ask, and he'd get defensive, or stop talking to me, and well - that desperate emotional theme here - I would drop the subject because I didn't want to lose the positive aspects of his attentions.

Eventually it became too much. I started to see similarities between him and my estranged husband. He was emotionally abusive, if not in the same way, but nonetheless, he was doing to me the exact thing the estranged husband did - and like with my marriage, I was putting up with it.

I hung on for two more months after I came to this realization, but it was for a purpose. I needed to prove myself right about the lies I knew he was telling me. Once I had all the ducks in a row I confronted him, online in an IM, and, as expected, he denied.

But he didn't totally go away. Disappeared for a few months but by the start of the next year he was back again, wanting me back, and I, still the fool, began to entertain thoughts of doing that.

A cool head prevailed. I stopped talking to him, and he eventually got the hint.

Overall, I jumped too fast. I too willingly believed someone's words without making sure first that his actions matched. My love parched heart soaked it all in, like a dry sponge, but there was a wolf in the sheep's clothing. When I looked back later at this relationship, there wasn't much hiding the wolf, but I didn't want to see that. I chose to see only what I wanted.

I also went into therapy at the end of that relationship because I didn't want to make the same mistake again. I didn't want to find my estranged husband in different clothes, with more money and a better job. I wanted someone who would love and respect ME.

But I'm stubborn and it takes me a few tries to get things right sometimes.

Coming soon...online mistake #2
10 Comments
couple #6 - the anniversary dance winners Nov 17, 2007 9:36 am
Mood: content, 721 Views
Last night I went to the wedding for the daughter of a co-worker. After all the traditional "first" dances, the DJ asked for all married couples to come to the dance floor for an anniversary dance. Then he called out certain years of marriage and those that fit that had to go to the edge of the dance floor. He started with those married less than 24 hours - ha ha - and kept going up every five years. At the end a couple married 48 years was left, and the newly married couple was asked to dance with them.

I know that couple, quite well. The she of the pair works next to me, Marguerite. I supervise payables and she's the input, so we work closely. Also, having desks across from one another, we're privy to a lot of the other's lives.

Marguerite didn't like me too much when I started. We have very different personalities, I'm not Christian Reformed, and I took the place of someone she liked very much who took a job in another department. But over the last 4 years she and I have formed a wary alliance.

Just yesterday we were discussing what makes a happy marriage - must have been because of the impending wedding we were to attend that evening. Naturally it's different for all because we're all individuals, but along with the usual things like love, devotion, dedication to one another, the ablity to forgive and honesty, she told me she truly believed it was having some like interests, and some different.

She and her husband, Andy, do a lot together. There are family outings, weekend trips, church functions, time with friends, they're always on the go - and they're both 70! But she was telling me yesterday she thinks knitting has saved her marriage. She said many times when Andy was involved in something she had no interest in, like the positions he's always held on school boards or in their community, she stays home and knits. She said she thinks if she didn't do that, and was faced with either sitting home feeling bored and resenting him not being there, or to her, worse, having to go to those meetings and certainly die from boredom, there would have been a lot more friction in their household.

She was a nurse, but life situations led her to where she is now - no place close to nursing - though she's always kept in touch with her nursing school friends. Twice a year they get together for a weekend....no significant others involved. Marguerite sees this as Andy's time to knock around the house, do what he wants, and spend time alone with their grown children who all live close by.

They've also weathered much as a couple, as any two who are married that long, and raised 4 children, would. But even when angered, as I've seen her with him, there's this lift to her voice, an exasperation maybe, but not fire. Like when he had 50 pounds of mulch delivered to their driveway without telling her, then took a month to get rid of it all. She was clearly unhappy, made even more so when he called her shortly after that delivery and asked her to come home early one afternoon when it was going to rain to help him finish something. She refused, called him "dear" as she always does, and didn't once raise her tone or say a nasty word, but with great respect told him, in not so many words, he made his bed, he has to lie in it.

After she hung up and the person who works across the cubicle from her gave some laughing retort about putting Andy "in his place" she said she wasn't at all. She added that there were times she got involved in things he wanted nothing of either, this is just how it is when you're married.

I don't know what Andy and Marguerite were like when they were younger. I don't know if there was this great passion and overwhelming desire, or if they were always this peaceful, respectful, devoted couple. But I think they're a great example of how to live with someone for nearly half a century.

After their anniversary dance they came back to the table and someone asked Andy what the secret was to his long marriage. He said Marguerite always lets him have the last word in any argument and that word is: "yes dear."

I think a sense of humor helps too.
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