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Whatever is in my head on any given day.
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sanctity of human life - pt 2 Jan 21, 2008 6:52 pm
Mood: 113, 682 Views
Sorry! I didn't realize that I'd written too much for the blogs to properly display it. I swear it looked fine right after I posted it, I even read through the entire thing to make sure it was all there. So my apologies to those who read the first part and were left hanging, this is how it ended....

A nurse came out about an hour later with a chair for me. About an hour after that she came out with the birth certificate form. She told me not to give him a throw away name. To name him exactly what I had planned. That it didn't matter if I called him that for 8 hours, or 80 years. She was right. I gave him the name decided on before the child was ever conceived. Our first male child would be named for the n-ex's father who died when he was 15. That's the name I put on the birth certificate.

The nurse also said she would take pictures for me. She told me I may not think I wanted them, but I'd appreciate having them later.

I've told this story many times, mostly on days like yesterday, the Sanctity of Human Life Sunday, or to youth groups. It's at this point in the story that I ask if they'd like to see a picture of this baby. I tell them that I carry his picture with me because he was, and remains, an integral part of my life.

Then I take out a current photo of #1 Son. He is that CMV baby.

When the nurse came out with the photos the pediatrician the n-ex and I had chosen came out with her, smiling. He said we could be relatively sure the child was unaffected. He was 8 pounds 12 ounces, too big for a CMV baby. But, they had no good explanation for why he was unaffected. The virus was still in me, in the placenta and umbilical cord that I released to pathology, but not in the baby. Maybe our blood types were different, but the typing test wasn't covered by insurance and besides, what difference did it make? He was fine.

The doctors continued to watch him for signs of problems. None appeared, and at the age of 5, he was released from observation.

I don't consider this child any more a miracle than any of my other children. I never thought he was damaged. In my heart, I always knew he was fine. The miracle, if there was one, was in the fact that I didn't listen to the Drs.

Everything happens for a reason though.

Eleven years later I unexpectedly got pregnant and was spotting. An ultrasound done to check for problems when I was barely 4 weeks gestated didn't find a baby. They diagnosed me with a blighted ovum. They said the sac had developed, but no baby was inside, and recommended I have a D&C.

The scary thing about this is that we almost did it. Older mom, unplanned pregnancy, problems already - but we didn't. We decided that the baby, if there was one, deserved the same chance we'd given to #1 Son.

I went to a different OB and an ultrasound done exactly a week later found a heartbeat. The radiologist told me that's why they got second opinions on blighted ovums. Sometimes the babies were just too small to see the first time.

Except my first OB didn't tell me that. I think she was more into CYA than TLC when there were problems.

I know that the reason I went through the things that I did with #1 Son was so that the Lizard would be here today. Had I not experienced that I quite likely wouldn't have thought twice about having the D&C. It probably wouldn't have occured to me that the outcome could be any different than what the Dr predicted.

I lost my second pregnancy at 9 weeks gestation due to the CMV. A year later when I got pregnant with Drummer Boy they tested for CMV again and it was dormant. With my last two pregnancies I refused all diagnostic tests except those that looked at blood counts, even though I was 36 when I had the Lizard. I knew it wouldn't make a difference, I had that experience.

I also know that not every woman can make the decision I did. I don't fault someone who terminates a pregnancy when the health of the baby is questionable. I don't condemn those who take the route of abortion in cases of incest or rape. But I don't agree with those who use abortion as a form of birth control. On January 22, 32 years ago, abortion became legal in the United States, and I respect the laws of this country. I just wish this was a right with more regulations on it. I wish it wasn't so easy.

#1 Son.....he's a talented musician, playing trombone since the 5th grade, even marched in the Rose Bowl Parade with the Bands of America Honor Band in 2004, he's won outstanding in Science Fairs, got a perfect score once in a Solo/Ensemble contest, won the Geography Bee when he was in 6th grade, he's gone down south on two spring breaks to clean up hurricane damage, volunteers his time with the Lutheran ministries on his campus, is an RA, studying chemical engineering at Western Michigan with an eye toward saving our non-renewable resources, and he always wins the abortion debate when it comes up - he tells them he wouldn't be there if his mother had believed in abortion.....

....and that's all I want to be heard.
13 Comments
ACK I got truncated Jan 20, 2008 11:14 pm
Mood: 28, 631 Views
It's official, I'm a motormouth of extraordinary proportions. My last entry was in its entirety when I hit "post" - I even checked it to make sure because I was SO long winded - and when I did my before bed check discovered that it got cutoff....without letting anyone know the outcome. This wasn't intentional and I will finish it, but it's too late tonight to get into it. I'm bummed too because it was so well written...if I do say so myself

So...more to you all tomorrow, sorry, have to go to bed.

7 Comments
sanctity of human life Jan 20, 2008 5:52 pm
Mood: 113, 645 Views
This is REALLY long -

I'm not looking to start a debate, I just want to tell a story. What you do with it after you hear it is up to you.......

I have 4 boys, as those who frequent my blog know, but I've been pregnant five times. Nothing too unusual about that. Many have lost children. But this first pregnancy taught me things I'll never forget.

I got pregnant very easily, first try, and wanting to do everything right, I requested a test for toxoplasmosis, a rather innocuous condition that does little to the person who has it, but much to a developing baby. I requested this because you get it from handling cat feces, and being we had cats and I changed their box on many occasions, I didn't want to take any chances. I wanted all the facts, not because I would have gotten rid of the baby, but to be informed.

Because this was an unusual request there wasn't a single test, it was done in a group of tests called TORCH, standing for the other items tested for in it.

At 8 weeks gestation, on my request only, they did the test. When I came back a month later they told me the toxoplasmosis was fine, but something else in that test, the "C" of it - cytomegalovirus, or CMV - was elevated. I was told not to worry about it as many people have this in their blood and it was most likely an old exposure. To be sure though, the test was repeated.

A month after that I came back - now about 4 months pregnant - and was told the levels of CMV were elevated meaning I was exposed during those first 8 weeks of the pregnancy. While this, like toxoplasmosis, does little to the person who has it unless they have an autoimmune disorder, it's a problem to unborn babies. My OB wanted to do something called a spatial blood distribution test that would see how much of the virus I had per cubic inch of blood so they could determine the viability of the baby.

I went to the library after that appointment and looked up CMV. What I found was frightening. It causes the bones to fuse together too soon so the organs don't grow properly and results in the baby being blind, deaf, and neurologically impaired. The oldest living CMV baby on record, at that time, had lived to be 2 but in a persistent vegetative state, on machines and in the hospital, its entire life.

It took three weeks to grow the culture for this test so it wasn't until my next OB appointment, at 5 months pregnant now, that I was told there was too much of the virus in my blood to expect a healthy outcome. My Dr advised termination.

I couldn't do it. Aside from my personal belief on abortion was the fact that this baby was very real to me. I'd heard its heartbeat, felt it move, I loved that baby and I'd never laid eyes on it.

My Dr told me to go home, discuss things with my husband, and see her the next week.

I went home and to my Bible, randomly opened the Psalms, a place I've always gone to when upset, and came onto Psalm 139. In summary it says I knew you before you were born. It talks about God seeing David, the author of that Psalm, in his mother's womb. Knowing the hairs on his head and the days of life. How important he was to God, even at that rather insignificant place of life.

This cemented it for me and when the n-ex came home from work I gave him the bad news, followed with the fact I wasn't going to terminate.

He thought we should listen to the Dr and we had this awful fight about it for the next few days but the bottomline was, that child was in me and I wasn't going to do anything to hurt it.

My Dr had never had a CMV mom decide to keep her baby, she didn't know what to do. She made me sign a stack of disclaimers absolving her of liability and confirming that this was MY choice, then she called in a specialist from Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago who had experience with CMV babies.

I was put on weekly appointments and he was there every week, with one of those old fashioned dopplers to listen to the baby's heart, the one where the stethescope is on a band around his head so he looked like he was laying on my abdomen as he listened to the variances in the baby's heartbeat from week to week. Since the bones fuse together too soon it would cramp the heart and he'd be able to detect the changes in that which would let us know how healthy, or not, the child was.

What I remember most about this man is he was bald and ugly. He would listen for a long time, 10 minutes or better, as I laid there very quiet and still, then straighten and shake his head and tell me how unfair it was to the child to continue to carry it.

But to abort it would be more humane? To me I couldn't play God. I was assured this child would not live to be born, the majority of CMV babies carried out are stillborn. Or if it did survive birth, it would die shortly after.

It was with this knowledge, and the fact I seemed certain to reach my due date, that the n-ex and I got a pediatrician, who himself had a Down's Syndrome child. I figured he would have an understanding others might not if the child lived.

We also put a DNR on the baby letting them know nothing heroic was to be done. They were to feed and keep comfortable but no life saving measures or devices.

Most important to me, is that the baby, if born alive, would be kept with me. My biggest desire was to be with it when it died. I did not want the baby to die alone.

I went into labor two days after my due date. When my water broke there was meconium in it meaning the baby was in distress. Due to the DNR a C-section was not an option, the course of whatever would happen was going to be natural.

I swear there were 30 people in the delivery room and a nurse later said that wasn't far off. All these people wanted to see a live CMV birth, on top of the neonatologist and his team of people who were there to attend to the baby should it be born alive.

I had a boy - it's all I know how to have - and he was, indeed, alive. So much so that the neonatologist and his crew took him away, saying he was breathing, he had to be observed.

I was helpless, strapped to the delivery table - this was in the days before birthing rooms - and unable to do anything but kiss his cheek before they took him away. I didn't even get to touch him.

My mom and dad came to the hospital about an hour later - this was now about 5 in the morning - and my mom, the sweetest, most gentle woman you can imagine - raised holy hell with the nursery to get them to bring my baby to me. My dad said she yelled at them - my mom never yelled. But they brought me my baby.

What sticks with me about that first real time of seeing him is that he was perfect. But of course he would be, the damage would be all internal. I didn't get to hold him long, just a few minutes. He was breathing well, his heart was strong, and he was like a science experiment to the Drs there because of his unusual live CMV status.

My parents had to leave - this was also before the times of direct family being able to stay at the hospital. And the n-ex left. He always left. He can't take the high emotional times, he crumbles.

So there I was, at 7 in the morning, put in a holding room on the maternity floor so that when, not if, but when the baby died I could be transferred to the 4th floor to finish my recovery away from the babies. They figured this would be easier for me and told me to stay put, they'd come and get me if anything happened.

Except I couldn't stay put. My biggest desire, as I said, was to be with that baby when he died, so I stood at the nursery window. There's a section called the isolette that's between the NICU and the regular nursery, and that's where my baby was at. He was surrounded by these Drs and nurses who were poking and proding, and all I could see was a leg or arm every now and then.

My OB saw me standing there and said I was going to get a blood clot and pass out from standing still so I started pacing in front of the window, with my IV pole, waiting.

A nurse came out about an hour later with a chair for me. About an hour after that she came out with the birth certificate form. She told me not to give him a throw away name. To name him exactly w
8 Comments
paths Jan 19, 2008 10:46 am
Mood: 54, 633 Views
I've spent a lot of my life being blind to what I have to do, because I've been doing what I want to do. I could blame my Christian faith on this. As a child of God I could say I'm always right where I'm supposed to be because this is where God placed me.

I'm not saying this isn't true, but when the path a person is on causes pain, and it's not from something like an illness you can do nothing to avoid, but decisions you've made, then maybe that's God telling you that you're on the wrong path.

Near the end of my marriage I'd gotten to the point of physical illness. Not from a germ or condition, just from life.

I left, but that did little to "cure" me because I was still on the wrong path. I was adolescent, let out of a box, making all the wrong choices for what I thought were all the right reasons.

I was lacking honesty with myself, going on feelings instead of facts. To turn that around took a huge effort on my part because face it, we all want to do what we want to do, not what we have to do.

But this have to do thing, it brought my path to this place. Then it brought a person and situation to me that I never would have imagined.

So now I walk a new path, one that has me tempted to rush things along, but I also know that amounts to nothing good. If something is right it stays right....period. It might be hard to wait, but the wait will be worth it if it means that we've walked the path the way we had to, not how we wanted. And life experience has taught me that when you do things the way they should be done, good things come from that.

So here's to Sunday night movie dates, and phone calls, and homework assignments, and e-mails, appointments, and work obligations, and kids, and new car choices, and airline tickets, and noisy pictures, and every eleven weeks, and smiling for no good reason - that anyone else knows, and to following this path, one step at a time, not knowing where it ends, but enjoying the heck out of the adventure.

Ride the waves.
14 Comments
couple #7 - more than puppy love Jan 13, 2008 12:18 pm
Mood: 54, 669 Views
I've been thinking for awhile I wanted to write about this couple, I see so much of how they have to deal with life relating to what's happening to me now. But not wanting to be premature, after all, when I first saw the similarities I hadn't yet met M1KM, I kept this couple to myself.

Well M1KM and I have met, nothing has changed except now I know exactly what I'm missing when he's not here, and even more so I think there's a lesson to be learned from this couple. This would be Drummer Boy (#2 son, my 18 year old - D and his 17 year old girlfriend, Volleyball Girl - VBG.

So what can be learned from two teenagers? Too many teenaged relationships seem to be based on the physical, he's hot, she's a babe, let's see how much we can "learn" from one another. I'm not being naive when I say this isn't the case with DB and VBG, I have it on both his word, and her mother has it on her's, that experimentation and falling in love is not what this is about.

Well, they do say they love one another. They've been together 2 years - actually, about 2 1/2 now - and aside from the fact they're very cute together, and she's a doll, a really sweet girl - they're realistic. They don't spend every waking moment together. The first time I saw this it surprised me a little. The girl DB had dated prior - that would be Drummer Major Girl - wanted to be around him all the time. But he's not like that with VBG. They have separate friends and interests, and do those things as much as they're together.

This last weekend the n-ex stayed with the kids while I was gone. He asked me the next day if something was wrong between DB & VBG because DB didn't ask to go to VBG's house once that weekend. Didn't even seem to care.

So I asked DB who told me they both had things to do, what's the big deal? True! To have separate interests is, as anyone who's followed my blog knows, a big selling point with me. Don't make me your everything, but do let me know I'm important. DB & VBG have that down.

But what I've been able to learn the most in watching them, is patience. DB is senior, VBG a junior. He's awaiting the last of his college applications to come in so he can start deciding where to go, but he's very bright - in the top 40 kids of a class of nearly 500 - I don't doubt he'll get into this last school too. He's going to study pre-med, is looking toward a pediatric speciality, if that should be the route he goes. He has a lot of school in front of him.

VBG is very bright too. She'd like to be a veterinarian, another long haul of intense schooling. So if they should see themselves together in a future, it's not going to happen real soon. Plus they won't be in the same schools. DB is leaning the most toward three schools - Valparaiso, Loyola, and Illinois Wesleyan. She would go to Purdue Lafayette, it's the best veterinarian school out here. None of his main choices, and Purdue, are remotely close to one another.

But they don't necessarily talk about a big future, though at the same time I get the feeling they're no less dedicated to one another. They're taking steps, exactly what I see myself doing with M1KM. They've let the other know they're important, without the need to be around each other constantly. They're affectionate, but unlike other teenaged couples I've been around (as in their friends who are dating) they don't maul one another. As a mom, that makes me feel better about leaving them alone.

But maybe even more important than patience, I've been able to learn something else while watching them. Why fix something that ain't broke?

DB has only dated one other girl. I asked him a few months ago about what would happen to him and VBG when he goes away to school next year. He said nothing different than now, except they won't see each other as much.

So I voiced my motherly concern about him only dating a few girls. Does he think that maybe he should date others? I mean when something is right, it stays right, no matter what.

He actually thought about this then said "why should I? I'm happy."

You can't fight that logic.

I don't know what DB and VBG's future as a couple will bring. They may date for years then marry someone different. Or I may be calling her my daughter-in-law someday. But regardless I think they have their heads screwed on straight and their eyes on what is most important. That when part of a couple, you're also an individual - and, that something worth having, is worth waiting for.
15 Comments
It was all good Jan 7, 2008 12:22 pm
Mood: 54, 838 Views
Aside from a few Friday glitches - like the one where M1KM missed his connecting flight to Chicago and was delayed by two hours, or the one where he didn't know when I said I'd meet him at the gate that meant the place after the checkpoint because I couldn't get into the airport without a ticket and I was thisclose to having the airport page him when we finally connected, or the last one that had me spending $40 in antifreeze just to discover my rear heating line had a leak and we had another 2 hour delay while some nice Greek man named Alex had his "boys" fix my car for me - it was, still, and so very much, all good.

The chemistry created the last four months on the phone and in e-mail was there in person. In fact, he told me it was freakishly easy to transition to the 3D world....and it was. He's a big drink of water, the top of my head reaches just below his shoulder (and I'm not a short woman), but there appears to be no permanent damage from having to look up so much.

We got to see two movies, IN THEATERS.... I should explain, we've been having movie "dates" the last few months, where we rent the same movie and watch it together while on the phone. We've gotten so good we can synchronize it so the movies play the same rate at the same time. But it was a unique pleasure to sit next to him in a theater and see a movie together.

I took him sightseeing to Chicago - a place he'd never seen - and we got to view the city from the 94th floor of the Hancock building, something I haven't done since the 4th grade. We also rode a city bus and the subway - there are no subways where he lives. It was really cool seeing the city through the eyes of a "tourist." I've been here my entire life, I really take this place for granted, so stopping to admire the skyline, or look at the ginormous squirrels, or take pictures of landmarks so familiar to me I forget they're there, brought something unique to being downtown.

We also did Chicago pizza - I've been assured that yes, there is a huge difference between everyone else's pizza and ours. Chicago Italian, and IHOP....had to balance it.

The weather was decidedly Chicago too. We had two seasons since Friday. It was winter then, snow on the ground, barely 30 degrees. Yesterday as we walked the city it turned spring, 57 degrees. Today it's 66.

But after meeting I still can't say I have projections. We have more steps, and a path that now has to do with he and I, but we're two people who who already have lives firmly on certain paths. Incorporating that will be interesting because I don't believe in changing your path. I believe there are things both he and I need to accomplish that have nothing to do with one another, and that those things should not be messed with. I think it asks for trouble to alter or create a new path. There could come a time for that, but not after 4 months and one meeting. And certainly not before the two most important paths we're on as individuals, things started before we ever exchanged a word, are completed.

So what's next? I travel there - most likely the beginning of April. He's seen my world, and now I have to see his.

After that? Chapters in a book that is being written as we live it. Who knows? I said to him this weekend, if anyone would have told me 5 years ago where I'd be today, I would have thought they were nuts! Who knows what that far reaching future might bring?

Steps - one at a time, none missed inbetween, no hopping over any in a rush to get to the next level.

And as a side note that maybe no one but me may think is important, this was a meeting, a chance to know one another, it was not a reason to be any more intimate than what happens when two people share a hotel room and sleep - as in close your eyes and go to La La Land - together. We were both adament on this. Why confuse things? We need to know who this other person is as a person, and as tempting as it may be (as it was) to cross that line, that line stayed firmly intact. I didn't leave him at O'Hare this afternoon disappointed or wishing for more. I left with this huge smile, the memory of what it felt like to be hugged, the knowledge now of what his voice sounds like without the static of the phone, or how his eyes look when he smiles, and not promises of everlasting love....just a promise, to continue this and see where it goes. One step at a time.
28 Comments
...and now less than 2 Jan 4, 2008 5:00 am
Mood: 40, 751 Views
hours that is, before I finally get to see in 3D this sweet man who has been keeping company the last few months in e-mail and on the phone. The best part is, I go to meet my friend. No matter the outcome, I will walk away with that friend.

Or....maybe a bit more.....that remains to be written.
10 Comments
36 hours Jan 2, 2008 6:03 pm
Mood: bejesusly scared, 712 Views
8:30 a.m. on Friday at O'Hare Airport this plane is going to land...well, okay, many planes are going to land because it's the third busiest airport in the country.....but anyway, this plane is going to land and this man is going to get off...yes, I know, with so many planes landing lots of men are going to get off, and women, and children....but one of these men who is going to get off I'm going to recognize because I've seen a lot of pictures of him and I'm going to come face to face with the voice that has been talking to me for 4 months and it scares the bejesus out of me! Not because I'm afraid of him - quite the contrary. Not because I have all these hopes pinned on this meeting. What will be, will be and whatever will be will be good - regardless of the outcome. But because I spent three years becoming this person I am now to get away from the cycle of insanity and I've removed all the fallbacks and security blankets and even threw away that industrial sized bottle of wart remover so I could hide my imperfections and they've all been hanging out, flapping in the breeze, and all he ever says when they show is "it's all good" and you know? This is DANGED scary!!!

Part of me is like a kid at Christmas waiting to see what Santa has left me under the tree. The other part is scared he'll take one look at the 3D version of askimyt and think....man, that picture is so much better than the reality. No, I really don't think that's going to happen. I actually don't know what's going to happen, I'm not projecting. I'm just really looking forward to Friday morning and the rest? We'll make it up as we go along.

This is brand new territory for me. I'm an inveterate planner. I don't leave things up to chance. I want to measure the risks before I make the move. But again...if I want to get something different than I've always gotten, I have to do something different.

Even if it scares the bejesus out of me.

Maybe especially if it scares the bejesus out of me.

More on this later.....
12 Comments
It's Jan 1 - I now officially hate the snow Jan 1, 2008 8:27 am
Mood: 54, 772 Views
All's quiet in the house. #1 Son and Drummer Boy are still sleeping, the Dreamer and the Lizard are still with their dad, and I'm waiting for Chris to call me so we can have our first coffee of the new year and get a head start on solving this year's problems of the world.

Chris and I have been going out for marathon coffee sessions for years. My boys have always wondered WHAT we could have to talk about for so long so much of the time. So I told them we solve the problems of the world and depending on how many problems the world currently has, it could take a long time....or several coffee sessions. We both live in households of men so in all honesty, it's just a way to have some "intelligent" conversation.

Anyway as I sit here enjoying the sounds of silence and contemplating things of great importance to come my way in another 3 days I'm also looking out the front window at more snow!

SNOW!!!!

Not as much as we got a few weeks ago, and it looks wet and slushy which means it will be a pain to shovel.

Snow in December is beautiful to me, snow in January burdensome, snow in February an annoyance, and snow in March just down right wrong.

I'm going back to contemplating 72 hours from now and enjoying the sounds of silence a bit longer.

Happy New Year!
25 Comments
Happy New Year!! Dec 31, 2007 4:20 pm
Mood: 19, 649 Views


Here's wishes to all for a happy, healthy and prosperous new year!!

I'm laying low tonight myself. I haven't done a New Year's party since BC (before children) and honestly? I'm not too interested in them. Maybe with the right person to kiss me at midnight But might have to wait to 2011 for that.

The n-ex took the two youngest. The Lizard has been all over me the last few days. As if it's not stressful enough to have a sick child, I get the Lizard worrying about everything and #1 Son analyzing everyone's actions to make sure they're not sick, and now, I have Drummer Boy upset with me because I won't let him go to Volleyball Girl's house for New Years.

The virus came from her house, knocked out everyone in it - in fact, this is the first day she's been able to eat and have it stay where it's supposed to. We've all been able to stay well and I'd like to keep it that way. He keeps coming upstairs with the phone asking to go. If it were just he and I, that would be one thing. But I have 3 other brothers in this house with him who would be exposed as well. Some things just aren't worth it to me.

Of course he sees it differently, I'm being an alarmist, they washed down their house, it's all okay now.

But you know? It's not so much bringing it back here, it's the obsession of the oldest I just don't care to deal with any longer. The Lizard is with his dad so the clinging he's been doing is alleviated, but I still have #1 Son, and he's still up in arms over things and I have little patience left for this.

I even felt slightly guilty sending the Lizard off with his dad, but I so need the break from it all. He was happy as a clam to be going, they took the XBox 360 with them, he has his favorite penguins, and I know the n-ex wasn't crazy about taking him, but he witnessed the clinging himself after dinner. The Lizard had his arms around my neck laying over me. I told him this happens ALL the time and after the stress of the last few days - mostly brought on by the obsessing of #1 Son - I'd like to breath.

But all things aside, it's still been a pleasant day. The n-ex took the 4 boys bowling so I had a few hours to myself, we had a nice dinner together with homemade cheesecake for dessert, and except for the obsessing interludes from an oldest son who shall remain nameless and a 9 year old who doesn't want to let me go, it's been nice.

I relented to a movie for Drummer Boy with Volleyball Girl and she understands why I don't want him in the house. He knew her niece was sick when he went their Wednesday to exchange Christmas gifts but he's so unfazed by it. Thought like someone who's never had to deal with 4 people with the stomach flu at one time.

But as Volleyball Girl said to me - and as someone else likes to say to me all the time - it's all good.

Happy New Year!!

12 Comments
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some test results are inperfectKJun 27 11:55 am
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the bandaged placeaskimytJun 5 9:05 pm
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I want to know......askimytJun 1 5:52 pm