| some test results are in |
Jun 9, 2008 7:21 pm
Mood: cheerful, 219 Views | I had blood work done Saturday to check my cholesterol, sugar, thyroid and a CBC. All came back okay except my cholesterol - which I expected. It's 268, not as bad as the 298 it was 7 years ago. I brought it down then to 166 with diet and exercise and asked my Dr if I could try to do that again before being put on medication. She agreed to wait three months and recheck me.
Wish me luck!  | |
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17 Comments | |
| 17 shades of weirdness |
Jun 8, 2008 5:11 pm
Mood: one of the 17 shades of weird, 197 Views | The n-ex has finally done what I've been asking him to do the last 3 years....he signed the divorce papers. Last Friday. Very uneventful seeing as he waited so long to do this. I was expecting something, I don't know, different.
The Lizard's age was wrong on the petition and the dissolution so we had to sit in the lawyer's office while he ran off new copies. I felt like telling jokes into the silence. But I didn't feel depressed, or empty, or even relieved. I felt....nothing.
We drove there together - part of the 17 shades of weirdness - and when we got into the car the n-ex looks at me and says "that was quick." He's smiling. Smiling? Maybe he's become as happy to have this over as I am, even though he's been letting go much slower. I let go before I asked for the divorce. For me, this is the last nail in the coffin I closed someplace around 1995. That was when I knew he wasn't going to change and I needed to get out. But circumstances kept me there until 2004 when I finally asked for the divorce, and asked him to leave.
So we drove there together. Stopped at McDonald's and bought the kids' lunch. Dropped it at my house then went out to lunch ourselves at Red Lobster.
Three springs ago we were sitting in the same Red Lobster discussing the divorce. Nothing heated. We had purposely gone to a public place to do it in so neither of us would get emotional. Our waitress commented on something the n-ex said and how he was a "keeper" to which he told her what we were doing there. This prompted a discussion aboout her and her first husband who have a amicable divorce, even used the same lawyer. So did the n-ex and I.
Anyway, we've seen that waitress off and on since then because this restaurant became the place we'd go to discuss things. That same waitress was there Friday. She wasn't our waitress, but she saw us and stopped, all smiles, said she had been thinking about us because we hadn't been by in awhile. Asked how we were. We told her we finally signed the papers. She congratulated us.
Thing is, none of this felt weird even though talking about it makes it all seem so odd. But it's how things have been between he and I. Probably a good testament to the marriage.
So all that remains now is I have to file the paperwork at the courthouse. I'm pleading a Pauper's Petition, not wanting to pay the lawyer another $225 to be there with me, plus $480 in court costs, to finish this.
After all this time it came down to less than 20 minutes in the lawyer's office. Then there will be another 10 minutes or so to plead the petition, and maybe 10 more to pronounce me legally divorced. Not even an hour, to officially end 25 years of marriage.
But it's also, finally, over. Not officially in the state of Illinois, they need to have a judge stamp the seal on the paperwork and give me a file number. But getting those papers signed meant the end to me.
My heart let go years ago. I physically removed myself three years ago. Now I can legally remove myself. Maybe this would have all felt different had there not been so many years leading up to it. Maybe it would have felt like something. It doesn't. Not anymore. That went away years ago. All it feels now is one of those shades of weird. | |
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8 Comments | |
| the bandaged place |
Jun 2, 2008 4:26 pm
Mood: thoughtful, 258 Views | "Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you." Rumi
In my marriage there were many open wounds. Large, huge, gapping, festering, infected, wounds. I allowed them to happen. I put the knife in the hands of the n-ex and didn't back away....until it was too late, and the wounds were there.
I did nothing to stop it. Sometimes I got out the Band-Aids and iodine and tried to treat the wounds myself, but I always allowed the wounds to be reopened, and new ones to be inflicted.
Then one day I made him leave. I told him you or me but someone will go. He didn't want to have the kids on his own, so he left.
I got out extra large sized Band-Aids then and a super sized tube of antibiotic cream and figured that was enough. He was gone, I could heal.
Except I kept finding him in other men's clothing. There were smaller knives but they were still there. I still handed them over. I still stood by and let it happen. Sometimes they opened old wounds I thought were healed, sometimes they made new ones. Until the day I discovered my self worth. I lost the fear of being alone. I stood up to the woman in the glass and promised her no one would ever hurt her again.
That was when I got out the needle and thread, and sewed the wounds shut, meticulously, tediously, one by one. I know every stitch personally because each one represents a milestone in my healing.
Last summer I took the last stitch out of the last wound. The thing is, those areas are still sensitive. If anyone has ever had stitches they know what I mean. You can run into what has healed and it still hurts, even though the cut is no longer open.
Naturally the areas of the deepest wounds take the smallest amount of pressure to hurt me. But when any of those areas get pressed against, I recoil. I know how those wounds got there. I know I never asked to be abused but that I also allowed it to happen. You cannot be abused without your permission.
Knowing this, I'm hypersensitive to those things that make me feel I could be standing in line to have someone stamp "welcome" on my forehead and walk all over me again.
I can look at the bandaged place. I've faced the ugliness not just of the relationships, but of myself and how little I had to have thought of me to allow the kind of treatment I got. But I got so good at looking at that place I now find it hard to tear my eyes away and accept what's in front of me.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)
This sweet and wonderful man walked into my life 9 months ago wanting nothing in return except what I was so willing to give. He accepts me. He defines, in my life, right now, what Paul wrote above about love.
But I'm SO afraid sometimes to let it all go. To believe I deserve someone who treats me like this, no agenda, no personal gain, nothing but best intentions.
Of course he admits that he does get something from this arrangement too. I'm not a selfish and self serving wench bag looking for what I can get from a nice guy. He gets treated pretty darned good if I do say so myself. 
But I have to stop looking at the bandaged place. I have to know I'm healed and I don't need to keep looking at the scars of relationships past to know this. There is nothing to compare David against. He's unique and blows everyone else out of the water. He's in a class by himself. So why keep looking at the remnants of what other men have left me with?
Today, along with all the other revelations of things I need to change in my life that's come to me since I got those test results, I will also change this. No more recoiling when those scars get touched. It's inevitable, there are so many of them in so many places it's hard to not touch them. But they're scars, just scars, reminders, not definitions. I don't need to worry about them being reopened, not just because I know to not hand the knives over anymore, but because David wouldn't do that to me.
"The future is today." William Osler | |
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12 Comments | |
| the verdict the graduation and the birthday |
Jun 1, 2008 6:11 pm
Mood: happy, 268 Views |  | Talk about running without a break!! The last few days it's been one thing after another - mostly all good.
The verdict per the test with the prep from hell is that I have a small fat filled umbilical hernia and I'm being referred to a surgeon. I will get two opinions before diving into surgery. I was reading that they can repair some hernias under a local by inserting a mesh into the area where the tear is and letting the body grow around it. I'm hoping for that kind of solution but....
There were a few other issues - one I've since learned is a non-issue. There was some evidence that I might have had a UTI - but they did a test Friday and it came out clear.
I also have a very small mass (just over 1 cm) on my pancreas. Since I have no other signs I could be sick (and pancreas issues make you very sick) the Dr is hopeful it's just a physical anamoly and is sending me for an MRI to make sure. Worse case is that it is of significance but due to the size of it, and the fact I feel fine otherwise, it's been caught early and that's a very good thing.
Then there was Drummer Boy's high school graduation. The letter from the school told us to be there at 5, be seated at 5:45, that the doors would be locked PROMPTLY at 5:55 and the ceremony start at 6. I was a good girl, I did like I was told - and because of that got awesome seats - but at 5:55 the principal gets up to say there are still some people coming in and they were going to wait for them to be seated before starting the ceremony. Why bother to tell us to be there early if you're going to let people in anyway? God only knows!! But I do feel vindicated for because I had those reallyl awesome seats I only got by being there early.
The ceremony was really nice, and we had a mini-graduation party for Drummer Boy and Chris's son - who's in the same class - at my house afterward. In all, a really great night.
Then yesterday was Drummer Boy's 19th birthday. The n-ex had the kids this weekend so Drummer Boy and I had dinner and got him his graduation/birthday present of a laptop. Volleyball Girl came by later with two presents and they watched movies downstairs on his new laptop while I enjoyed the peace upstairs - and David who was on the phone. 
So very busy, but it's been a nice kind of busy. This week both the Dreamer and the Lizard end school and I start summer hours - 4 nine hour days and only 4 hours on Friday. We have a few appointments this week and the paperwork (that would be THE paperwork, the one that makes the divorce final....finally!!!) will be signed Friday. Three and a half years - took long enough!!!!
I hope all of you have had an enjoyable weekend with the same kind of beautiful weather we're getting to have now that the spring decided to be spring and not winter-lite.
Later! |
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10 Comments | |
| I want to know...... |
May 27, 2008 5:15 pm
Mood: glowing...like in the dark, 387 Views | who the medical masochist is that thought in order to see a hernia you have to drink 1300 ml of liquid barium in 2 hours, lay on a table in a dark room with your pants at your knees, and get iodine shot into your veins???
Modern medicine....ah the wonder of it!!
I'm going to blame my sister who, a few weeks ago, diagnosed a hernia on me over the phone. I hadn't thought too much about the pain I've been having on and off for quite some time, because it was never a bad pain, just an annoyance. It was bothering me a little more than usual the day I talked to her and she encouraged me to get it checked out.
Last Thursday the Dr said she felt 5-6 inches of a bulge (please don't go to the same place the n-ex did when I said that to him)  Anyway, for whatever reason, I had to have my ENTIRE GI track illuminated today to look at this bulge.
The test itself was a piece of cake, even the iodine was no big deal, it hardly made anything on me warm, but that liquid barium - YUCK!! I have an ulcer, I've had upper GIs, but the barium for the abdominal CT is different and obviously from the netherworld, it's beyond nasty and you have to drink GADS of it.
But it's over now, and though I can still hear the barium swishing around, I think I'm going to live.
Two more days to see what the verdict is and whether or not I'll need surgery. At this point that's of little consequence, as long as they don't make me drink that barium again for a long long LONG time!!! | |
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22 Comments | |
| what it means to live in Chicago |
May 25, 2008 11:24 am
Mood: silly, 352 Views | ...per Jeff Foxworthy you know you live in Chicago....
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend
If you measure distance in hours
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly"
Being a life long Chicago native, I find these all to be very true. | |
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16 Comments | |
| the annual review |
May 20, 2008 4:40 pm
Mood: cranky, 350 Views | My anniversary with the company I work for was April 28 and we have mandatory reviews every year. HR uses something they call a 360 review where you and your boss review you, but then so does at least one other manager and three peers - two from your department, one outside your department - all who have to have contact with you.
I HATE the 360 review process, but only because of the person who always is asked to review me - the woman who works next to me. She doesn't like me. We have opposite personalities and have clashed in one way or another since shortly after I got there. Worse now is that I supervise - not her (thank GOD) - but the process she does, the input of payables. So she has to deal with me on a supervisory level, which makes her nuts. If I had a dime for every time I had to hear her say something about how I know better, or she has no authority, or something along those lines, I'd be rolling in dimes, that's for sure.
Thing is, this woman uses my review as her sounding board for all the personal things about me she doesn't like. I'm away from my desk too much, my kids call me too much, I type too much - yes, TYPE too much, WTF is that?????
What gets me most about this woman is that she doesn't practice what she preaches. We work for a ministry and she's constantly pulling up Biblical principals and how I don't fit into those - I'm too bold, too loud, too nearly divorced (GASP!!) - not the Proverbs 31 woman, at least not in her eyes.
But she's a gossip. She talks about me at that desk right next to me, while I have my back turned, as if I can't hear her from 15 feet away. She goes to our boss, the head of the department, HR, everyone but ME if she has a problem with me and per those same Biblical principals she pulls up all the time (to those others at her desk mind you, not me), she should be coming to me to discuss these issues.
She's been getting to me more than not lately. Might have something to do with the fact my boss and I went over my review last Friday and he made a comment about how I'm audibly loud and how to her it seems I'm purposely loud to be noticed.
Now granted, our department is beyond quiet. You've heard of church quiet? Well this is morgue quiet. There's no such thing as a private conversation unless it's through e-mail - or you take your cell phone to the hallway.
Anyway, I probably am a bit louder than they are, especially, my boss has said, if I get excited over something.
Well see, the majority of my department is Dutch. Not Dutch like off the boat Dutch, but in ancestory of people who immigrated to the United States years before. But they hold onto their Dutch ideals like a badge of honor. For them being Dutch means they're quiet and respectful and have this code of proper conduct I'd die trying to adhere to. They actually apologize for sneezing - and not because they sneezed on someone. They say "I'm so sorry" when they sneeze - not "excuse me" but sorry. Amazing!! Plus they shove the Dutch stuff down my throat and are constantly telling me how something or another that they do is Dutch.
I'm not Dutch. I'm half German and half Italian but definitely relate more strongly to my Italian half. I'm passionate about everything - happy, sad or inbetween. I love to laugh and have fun and yes, I'm probably audibly loud. It's an Italian thing. We can be very loud people. Get my family together and you can't hear yourself think. I love it!! It's happy noise - not arguing - but laughter, singing, joyful noises.
But now, on top of this laundry list of things this woman faults me for not being (I have a feeling not being Dutch is at the top of that list) something that's probably more my culture than anything else, is being picked on...and written about in MY review that goes into my personnel record.
What a testament to me. Shari is thorough, she takes calculated risks, she follows directions, applies feedback, learns quickly, helps others, makes independent decisions - oh, and she types too much and she's loud. I kid you not - ALL these things are from my latest review.
So excuse me for complaining. Just the mood I'm in right now. Lots of things going on and it's hard to hold onto this spinning merry go round sometimes. But I do thank you for letting me vent.
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11 Comments | |
| mr. wonderful strikes again |
May 14, 2008 6:49 pm
Mood: loved, 466 Views | Being long distance has more than a few drawbacks, as those on this site living through it - like me - know all too well. But there are ways to bridge the gaps beyond telephone calls or e-mails, and David (aka Mr. Wonderfu) seems to find these innovative ways to do it.
Last week he told me about these flowers his boss had brought in that smelled unbelievable. He said he wished he could share them with me but I'm too far away. Have to love a man who can appreciate that stuff.
Well, he mailed me one. I got it today. Sealed in a zip lock bag and still smelling unbelievable. It's a little flat, but that doesn't seem to impair its ability to smell good. The envelope and card he sent all smelled like it, and it's busy smelling up my bedroom as I write this.
But more than the smell, is the thought behind it. He wanted to share something beautiful with me, and didn't let the thousand plus miles stop him. Or think, I'll bring her a flower when we see each other again (in 43 more days!!) He went about making it happen now.
So to that sweet man with the beeping pants who lives in the furnace.....thank you for being Mr. Wonderful and for sharing him with me. | |
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27 Comments | |
| my day with the Lizard |
May 12, 2008 3:06 pm
Mood: content, 400 Views | The Lizard has a bad tooth. The dentist looked at it last week and said the permanent tooth is coming through and because the baby tooth is damaged, it's causing some pain. My dentist is a minimalist, and I appreciate that about him. He said unless it becomes infected let the Lizard decide if he wants it out or not. If he does nothing, it will probably come out on its own in the next 6 months.
Well poor baby! He got up at 3 this morning because it was hurting and didn't get back to sleep until 5:30. Mom didn't either, so when dad's car broke down and he couldn't come out to watch him, mom took advantage to vegetate and it became a mom and Lizard day.
Of course he spent a good deal of it downstairs relishing in the fact the older brothers were at school and he had both computers and all game systems to himself. But he and I also went out to lunch - Wendy's. Then we walked across the parking lot to Target to buy some Anbesol if this should happen again tonight.
He's not one to want to hold my hand anymore, he'll be 10 this year, nearly a man you know but as we're walking in this beautiful spring sunshine and fresh air he tells me it's one of the best days he's ever had.
Sometimes I forget that the smallest most simple things can mean the most to my kids. Lunch at Wendy's alone to discuss all the important things in his life, and a short walk in the sunshine.
We got home and he went back to the computers and games for that last hour until the brothers came home. But when he came upstairs for dinner he hugged me and smiled and thanked me for staying home with him today.
I'm glad I got to do it too. Sometimes I forget that the smallest most simple things with my kids mean the most to me too. | |
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8 Comments | |
| Happy Mother's Day!! |
May 11, 2008 8:08 am
Mood: happy, 435 Views | Good Morning! This end of school year stuff makes it tough to find time to do what I want to do - not just what I have to. Plus with Drummer Boy graduating it's busier than usual. But I wanted to stop by and say Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers - and single dads who have to be moms too - and women who've never given birth but have special relationships with children whether through family, friends, or where ever - YOU make a difference and those kids are darn lucky to have you!!
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14 Comments | |
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