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Good Early Morning
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Nov 27, 2009 10:14 pm
Mood: lonely,
28 Views
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I don't have a clue where to begin, but I have to pull myself 'out of this'..at least for 'the girls' sake. It can't be good for them to see me crying all the time. Yet one more payment each month..my town is charging for recycling now! I knew the market was bad right now..but I never imagined THAT bad! It is raining hard here tonight, I can only imagine if this was the S
word shhh! I'm as ready for it as I'll ever be I guess. I bought my $5.00 winter boots at a thrift shop, and my L.L. Bean used winter jacket on e bay. Brandi's right paw/leg..is still not 'right' but she is walking on it some. Monday..if she isn't much improved, I'm calling the vet..but demanding to stay there with her..she comes home with me! The predisone is sooo awful..I can feel it beginning to take my strength again..the other predisone type pill makes me feel like I'm literally on fire..the burning! I've been reading quite a bit, despite my eye(s)..and I highly recommend the following books; conquering FEAR(Living Boldly in an Uncertain World)by Harold S. Rushner..Resilence by Elizabeth Edwards..and Cheating Death by Sanjay Gupta, M.D. Wonderfully interesting reads..all of them. Did you realize if someone appears to be having a heart attack..you need to give them 200 chest compressions without stopping till help arrives? It can save their lives by oxygen being forced into their blood. No mouth to mouth anymore..it wastes too much time and it isn't as effective. The other thing I found interesting is that by freezing our internal organs with packs of ice..they are able to revive people from a coma..heart attack etc; without any severe or long lasting effects to thought, speech etc; Conquering Fear and Resilence had similar ideas in common..coping methods when life gives you 'lemons.' God Bless Elizabeth Edwards..she sure has her share of burdens to bare. Guess I'd better call it a night..goodnight.
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Thanksgiving 2009
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Nov 27, 2009 12:14 am
Mood: worried,
48 Views
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I hope everyone had a nice day..my friend from New York came by wednesday night, and left thursday around 11:30. I didn't want to go back to New York with him(5 hour drive)and turn around and come back the very next day(another 5 hour drive)..if I'm being honest with myself about it..I just didn't feel like going. I've been pretty ill with the sclerma again, so am on high doses of predisone, another drug similar to predisone that they hope I will be able to stay on for at least a year(I worry about the scary side effects it lists). Folic acid..for what? And tomorrow I need to pick up a prescription for a drug that will hopefully keep me from getting pneumonia(while my immune system is 'wiped out) . On top of that the high doses of zoloft, and sleeping pills. That isn't the ONLY reason I didn't want to go..my heart wasn't in it. Well, Brandi was running and jumping and somehow got hurt..her right paw/shoulder area seems to hurt her. I'm worried..but I'll see how she's doing tomorrow. The last two cats I took to the vet died due to incompetence. I think I've about had all the loss I can handle for now. Anyway, the picture is of Brandy, and I'm proud to say i took it. I'm so lonely..lost.. the 'girls' are all that get me through the days. Today was particularly hard..God, how much I miss mom, Neal, Gary, and Bear..I spent the day looking at their pictures..I found some semblance of peace doing that. Yesterday is gone..today is like a nightmare..and I don't see tomorrow. When I was at Dartmouth(hospital) in New Hampshire, for the day, I saw some pretty sad sights..a woman with two steel legs, a young girl(9?)with her head covered in thick white bandages/gauze, cancer patients going for chemotherapy..and it sure changed my perspective about some things..I have no right to complain when there are others so much worse off than I. I won't forget that. My hair is growing back..but it looks alot different..full of waves and thicker looking now. They think it might fall out on the predisone this time too though.Better to lose my hair than my life right now, the 'girls' need me. It's 3:09 in the morning, guess I maybe should go to bed..not too far from Brandy if she needs me though. Sleep well, dream wonderful dreams. 'Night!
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A Depressing Post:(:(:(:(:(:(
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Nov 21, 2009 1:11 am
Mood: sick,
138 Views
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It's 3:28 in the morning and here I am..awake yet AGAIN. There is so much on my mind, so much going on..and I can't say that any of it is good. The sclerma(eyewall infection)is back..alot worse than last November when it started. So..I'm back on the very high doses of predisone..feeling their awful effect once again. I wonder if I will lose what's left of my hair? The docs insist that there is an immune system thing going wrong inside of me, but so far the tests show nothing. Back to the long drives to Dartmouth Hitchcock in West Lebanon, N.H. and the day long visits, as I am seeing a rheumatologist there as well. And of course the predisone is the worst thing I could be on with my full blown diabetes.
The property is still not settled, I need to get a lawyer..which I can't afford. In the meantime the town has raised the property taxes and told me they stay that way until HIS name is off the property. I'm behind on the taxes now, and doubt I will ever catch up.
I'm..'not myself' these days..I cry often, am unable to sleep very much, have this 'racking cough' from the predisone, and frankly..my two beloved cats are all that keep me going..I have to for them..they need me.
D, the man from New York that I met here on FF, still visits twice a month, he has helped me out alot..I would be on the street by now if not for him. He wants us to move to New York..
but I can't..I love him..but I'm not IN love with him. He really has been a GENUINE FRIEND to me. The 'girls' and him are okay with each other, but it isn't the same as when there 'daddy' was here with them.
I'm so lost and lonely..I can't seem to get past HIS betrayal. I alternate between missing him/loving him..and anger/hating what he did. My God! I TRUSTED him so much I quit~claimed my property to him! What does that say about ME?! I don't know a sociopath when I see one I guess.
But you know..what REALLY REALLY hurts the most is not his 'throwing me(us)away'..it is his 'throwing Brigit and Brandi away'..HIS cats he had since kittens before I even came into the picture. I will NEVER EVER come to terms with that.
I realize now that he never loved me OR 'the girls,' he merely stayed with us until he found a new 'victim.'
I stopped looking for HIM when I got a phone call from the police telling me I was not to e mail or google his neighbor(even though she said she would be glad to help). The policeman says.."I guess she just changed her mind." Then WHY did she say she'd help me if I sent her his photo and information?!
I needed to write this, get it out..it's fine if noone reads it.
Take care everyone.
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18
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My Prayer..
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Sep 21, 2009 7:21 pm
785 Views
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dear sweet Jesus
help me i pray
as i drag out of bed
to another lonely day
no 'real life' friends to speak of
on this journey called life
no family to turn to
to help share my strife
i'm sad and i'm lonely
feeling so lost
struggling to hold on
at any cost
there's two little 'girls'
who need me so much
lord please give me strength
i need your sweet touch
lift all my burdens
along with my cares
i just need a break here
please show me you hear
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amazingrace54
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8
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F-R-E-E-D-O-M!!!!
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Sep 10, 2009 11:23 pm
1105 Views
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F-R-E-E-D-O-M!!!! I got in my new(used) 1991 Toyota Corolla today(well..a few hours ago it was)and drove myself to Burlington to spend the day running some errands. Some of you know that I have been without 'wheels' since D. left in December. The sky was the prettiest blue, the sun was shining, and I had a country station(what else?)on..a singing to my hearts content. The song playing happened to be an oldie..Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie..some of you
old timers here might remember that one *wink* Not exactly country
but nice all the same. I hit up all my favorite spots after my errands, and my timing was good. I was able to get the most soft, luxurious, turkish robe(soft pink flowers on a white background)for $3.75, a set of 4 palest blush colored wine glasses for $4.00,
some NEW underwear for .50 cents each, a small handmade pillow that says..'Grandmas are just antique little girls.' It made me chuckle, so now it's setting on my new(used)brass bed. Albeit, little things..inexpensive for sure..but things that I needed, some for the body..and some for the soul. It truly is nice to be a part of society again..I have never taken things for granted, but I have this stronger, more keen, appreciation now..for each second I am granted to partake of this wonderful thing called life.
Ready? Sing along with me.."Bye~bye Miss American Pie" haha!
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20
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Man vs. Squirrel! Pt. 2 of 2
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Sep 9, 2009 2:51 am
1042 Views
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About this time, the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle(maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death): and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face, I
am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out(since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment): so her front end started to drop.
Now, picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally, I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked-sort of.
Spectacularly sort of..so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with yourwindows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder, roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel
grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine.
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded
to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy street corner. I would have returned to 'fess up'(and to get my glove back), I really would have. Really. Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it," anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car, but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood.
I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves and a whole lot of band-aids.
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9
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Man vs. Squirrel! Pt. 1 of 2
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Sep 9, 2009 2:02 am
814 Views
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I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect..
I was on Brice Street-a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it--it was that close! I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle; but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened; and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular.
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag the tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow, he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump, and on amazing impact; he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and rather distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand(the throttle hand)on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for; and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
I screamed in--well, I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death..
To be continued..
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'BOUGHT..'
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Sep 2, 2009 1:17 am
809 Views
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she wonders how her life became 'THIS'
mouth frozen in losses grimace
eyes that are devoid of expression
heart that no longer cares whether it beats
tears that never seem to stop falling
painful realization drowning her in agony
loneliness beyond comprehension
stress is taking its toll
she wiles her days away
seeped in agonizing memories
and what ifs...
beating herself down mentally
over and over..again and again
'BOUGHT..'
for the price of holding loneliness at bay
the 'luxury' of lifes most basic necessities
merely 'creature comforts'
realizing she's not actually so very different
than those that 'prostitute' themselves
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amazingrace54
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17
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Summers Last Blush
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Aug 30, 2009 3:54 pm
695 Views
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summer is having its last blush
rosey skies at dusk hinting
at tomorrows promise of
sun~kissed skies, soft luminous clouds
and gentle caressing breeze
there is an energy in the air
unseen yet palpable
shadows changing as the earth turns
ever so slightly on its continuous journey
nights becoming cooler
daylight losing ground to darkness
'a purpose to every season'
perhaps just being alive
to experience all of this magnificence
is purpose enough..
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amazingrace54
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14
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Washing Is Greener Than Wiping
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Aug 26, 2009 11:44 am
654 Views
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Deep down, we have always known that wiping our rears with dry paper is ineffective; a classic survey showed that half of toilet~paper users spend their days with 'fecal contamination' in their underpants. And yet we continue to mock the bidet, the Frenchest of innovations, as froufrou, risqu'e, de trop. But while personal hygiene is one thing, the future of the planet is another. The average person uses 57 sheets of toilet paper a day;collectively we burn through 36.5 BILLION rolls each year. Tossing all the toilet~paper would save 15 MILLION TREES, 17.3 TERAWATTS OF ELECTRICITY, and more than 473 BILLION GALLONS OF WATER ANNUALLY; the environmental impact on bidets is minimal in comparison. No wonder the Japanese bidet behemoth Toto is gearing up for a massive sales push. When it's hip to be green, ditching the Charmin could actually make a difference. And not only in our(dirty)drawers.
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August 24&31, 2009 issue of Newsweek
written by Andrew Romano
note; I changed the wording so as not to put the focus on any one country in particular.
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